My Heart is Hurting Part 2

I still feel the same. Why does it hurt so bad. I think about my other heartaches.

“Prince Player”. “Heart”. “Scientist”. My fiancee.

It gives me comfort that the biggest heartache wasn’t him, it was “Prince Player”. I stop smiling when I realize how long it took me to get over Prince Player. And when I realize how much closer this one and I were.

It doesn’t matter that I have been hurt before. And some were worse then this. This wound is still fresh, and thus hurts a lot more at the moment.

Where did I go wrong. I continue to think this. As I help a patient. As I mitigate COVID-19 policies. As I work my butt off in this pandemic.

It’s so hard.

All the memories, they appear like a movie in my head.

Often times when I lay in bed I glance at the empty space next to me. I do it because he used to spend a lot of time there.

Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night. With a cramp or feeling too cold and having to adjust the temperature. I’ll want to look over to see him sleeping, but then again I instantly remember. 

I think about all the fun times.

Us going shopping on weekends.

Our little after work dates with our favorite take out at my house or our favorite bar where we became regulars.

Our sleepovers. 

Singing country music together.

Watching romantic comedies.

Him telling me seeing me is always the highlight of his week.

Just the way he made me feel.

And then one day, he didn’t feel that way anymore.

Today I spoke to “Prince Player”. He didn’t respond to me a few months ago when I told him I was sick and hasn’t said a word since then. I told him today that it made me sad.

“I’m doing me” he says.

I sigh. I’m still there for my friends in emergency when I’m doing me 😦

My health is better now at least. The treatment the doctor put me on has fixed almost all of the issues my PCOS caused over the last few months.

I have also lost half the weight I gained during the time I was sick. I have a hard time losing weight so the fact that I was able to shed these pounds despite all the stress I had makes me feel really proud of myself. I am technically at a very healthy weight now but I am planning to lose the rest just to be back at what I was before.

img_9979I don’t know about everything else 😦 One day my heart won’t hurt anymore. I know it. And one day this pandemic will be over so I and all the other essential workers can breathe ❤

xoxo. S.

I Am Woman (Part 3)

continued from yesterday’s post

I drank a bottle of Gatorade last night and hoped I felt better in the morning. I really wanted to make it today’s meeting about infectious diseases in refugees (one of my favorite populations!)

I wake up at 7:00. I feel so fatigued but I get up. Okay, the pain is not too bad. And I don’t feel nauseous. So far so good. As I get ready, I feel it in my back.

Ugh. I walk over to CVS and buy a heatwrap. The only way I can survive today is by wearing that.

When I get back, I am right on time to leave. I call an Uber. It says it will take 10 minutes to arrive. Then Uber pool, which is supposed to be cheap, is actually $10. Seriously. I should have hit cancel right then and there. I keep refreshing, and suddenly there is no wait time. But an arrival time. I get confused. And I realize…THAT SOMEONE ELSE TOOK MY RIDE! I hit cancel immediatly and quickly request another Uber.

I can’t believe it. Now I am 20 minutes late. And I got charged for the ride SOMEONE ELSE took. My new Uber driver gets me and everything is going well. Until we have to up another passenger. Who lives in a gated area and the security guard won’t let us in but the driver is so stubborn in picking up this passenger. This passenger finally comes out. Good lord. People can afford to live in a gated area where everyone has to go through security first should NOT be taking an Uber pool.

Now I am 30 minutes late. I sigh. I finally reach the state department and everyone is there. The two epidimiologists have began speaking, I spot my friend and colleague Susan and I wave. She gives me a sympathetic smile.

In the middle of the seminar, I feel really sick.

I get a text from Susan. “You don’t look well. I’ll give you a ride home.” Thank god. My Boston friends, are a lot more sympathetic than my Chicago friends were.

When the seminar ends, the Epidimologists asks if we’ll be staying for lunch. A few people say yes. Susan says “I have to go” and winks at me. Aw.

When we are out of everyone’s sight, she puts her hand on my arm. “Jesus Shaz. YOU WENT WHITE AT THAT MEETING. I was so nervous!”

I laugh.

“Seriously you lost all color. Does this happen every time?” she asks.

I frown and smile at the same time. “Yea”.

She makes a sad face. We have a nice ride home. She tells me about her date with a new fella and how she showed him a picture of us and he pointed to me and said “she looks like a model”. And Susan said “I know. You should see what she looks like in person”.

Wow. That is so sweet considering today I looked and felt like a pregnant whale.

I tell Susan hopefully I will feel better in time for our team bonding this weekend.

When I get home, I work on stuff for my boss and I finish early around 1:00. Ahh finally, a rest. On Sunday, I’ll have to get a head start on my three upcoming deadlines…but I’ll worry about it then 🙂

And your letters. Paul says I shouldn’t rush, but there’s so many ideas in my head I can’t wait!!

xoxo. S.

Worth It 

“Are you excited?” Mr. Photography dude asks when I answer my FaceTime call this morning.

“For what?” I ask rubbing my eyes.

“A month from now…you’ll have moved and officially be a resident of Boston!!!” he says.

Oh. Yea. That.

It’s crazy. I still can’t believe it. I tell him.

He tells me to believe it already. That I deserve this. To be happy.

Then Sidekick pops in for a bit. He updates me on his new awesome job and asks me the same questions.

“Any word from player?” he wants to know.

My eyes widen. I’ve been so caught up with the move, any time I think about how much I miss him or anyone else, I just think about something related to the move.

“No actually” I say.

“That’s sad. Considering how close you two were last summer” he says.

I laugh. “He said he talked to me then because he was ‘lonely’ remember? I’d rather him talk to me because he wants to” I say sadly.

“Oh yea I forgot all about that!” he says.

“Yea. I’d totally do last summer again though. Because this summer was lame” I say.

“You’d rather be working 16 hours a day 7 days a week?” Mr. Photography dude says getting back on the screen.

I have flashbacks of teaching my students Chemistry and Physics and watching them 24/7. And not being given a day off. Even when I was sick. “Oh yea. No I guess not”.

Sidekick shakes his head. “She means that talking to Prince Player every night after work was worth it fool” he tells Mr. Photography dude.

He rolls his eyes and looks at me. “Let it go.”

“Trying” I say.

I hear the doorbell ring so I hang up. There’s a package for me! I’ve been ordering a lot of stuff to take with me to Boston. This package happened to be from Famous Footwear.

I pulled out my new black pumps. They looked great!

My mom tells me to go put on a dress so she can “see how well the pumps go” with it.

So I do. I wear my favorite maroon hourglass dress I wear to events I make speeches at. I put on my new pumps and walk down the stairs.

My mom’s eyes widen. “Wow!! You look amazing honey!!”

I smile and agree. We gush over how 5 feet 1 inch me is suddenly 4 inches taller and look so beautiful.

As I strut and keep talking to myself in the mirror, I notice her staring blankly at me.

“Mom?” I turn to her.

“Huh? What?” she asks snapping out of whatever she was thinking.

I laugh. “Are you okay mama? You look like you’re thinking about something”.

She shrugs it off like its no big deal.

This is so unlike her. She’s always open with me. What is she hiding from me. “What is it?”

She continues to look me up and down. “I was thinking. I was thinking my daughter is so stunning and smart, and she settles for men that don’t want commitment and little jobs that don’t pay her enough” she says.

My jaw drops. This past year, she’s been depressed and hasn’t shared a lot of her feelings.

I didn’t know if I should be happy that she opened up or sad that she feels the way she does.

I close my mouth. “How do you know that mom? About the guys?”

She looks me dead in the eye. “I’m your mom” she says.

And then we stare at each other and begin laughing.

She looks at me and sighs. “Promise me you will find someone nice in Boston. And you get a job that pays well and gives you enough credit for what you do. Because you’re worth it“.

My heart melts. “I’ll try” I say.

FullSizeRender(2)It’s crazy how my summer, the last summer I’ll ever get to spend doing nothing is almost over. It’s crazy that I just got my diploma and I still can’t believe I graduated 2 months ago. Its crazy how expensive rent is in Boston. It’s crazy how many loans I have to take for tuition. Its crazy, how I may have to work a lot even though I have 5 classes to take my first semester. It’s crazy that I still can’t let anything about college go. It’s crazy how a lot of things I hope happened during undergrad, didn’t.

Who knew, that relocating would drive you crazy. I hope this move is worth it.

xoxo. S.

A strange week …in love and work

I wanted romance this summer but definitely not at my internship…

It has been yet another crazy week with the kids. As if things couldn’t get any crazier…yesterday I got a text. It was from a co-worker who is also an RA. This guy is an awesome friend, no more no less. His text started out by asking why I’m up so late. And then it went into him telling me about an update for work. And then all of a sudden, he spits out “Hey you want to hang out sometime?”

Uhh…What? What? Why oh why do I lead people on without meaning it 😦 Nooooo I do not want to hang out. I am trying to get over “Heart” and trying to get back whatever it is I had with “Prince Player” and enjoy our last year together! Plus, this guy is my colleague…at a place where we work with kids…it wouldn’t look right!

I didn’t respond to the text. I’m nervous. I see this guy at our daily morning staff meetings, breakfast, lunch dinner, and during our weekend duties. What have I gotten myself into :0

Things had actually been going well this week. The other day, right as my long night shift was ending, I got a message from “Prince Player”.

“Hi” it says.

My eyebrows raise. “Hi!” I type back.

I wait patiently. I see the notification for his response message and my supervisor walks in. I politely chat and wait until he leaves.

I open up player’s message. “I miss you <3” it says.

He what?!? 🙂 ❤ My heart started beating fast.

I type back that I miss him too. And then I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

But he never responded :/

Oh well. It was good to get assurance from him I guess. Of course “Heart” still hasn’t spoken to me.

“Tell me again why you get more excited about player’s messages more than ‘Heart’s?” Mr. Photography dude says on Skype.

we were goood togetherI roll my eyes. “BECAUSEEEEE. Heart keeps treating me like the plague and telling me to get over him while player actually acknowledges his actions and his own feelings for me and treats me like a human being!”

He nods.

We hang up and I watch “The Good Wife”. It was a cute episode where Alicia and Will get back from a fancy event and Alicia tells Will, “We were good together”. Oh I miss those moments with player ❤ Sometimes.

xoxo. S.

I Don’t Really Like My Internship…

There. I said it.

My worst nightmare has come true. I have become unfond of my internship of being an RA and TA at a highly prestigious university. This internship was my dream job, and now… not so much.

I’ve been hiding it from everyone around me. But last night, after I put all my kids to bed, I put myself to bed and I couldn’t stop crying.

I never get “alone” time. I am on my feet 6am to 11pm. And everyday, something terrible happens. A student in class will ask me a question I can’t answer, a student in the dorm will get mad at me for telling him/her to keep it down, oh and the worst- I will be asked to run an errand as I nap during my 30 minute daily break.

Today, right before I put my kids to bed, I got a few minutes to call my family. Even finding time to do that has become a challenge. Especially today when my supervisor asked me to run some medication to a dorm right before midnight. Uh, that wasn’t in my job description…

Anyways, I called them. And for the third day in a row, my mom asked if I liked my job.

Finally today, I flipped. “Mom. I don’t know many people who would like a job they had to work from 6am to 11pm. I teach class until 3:00. And then 3:00 to 11:00 I have to make and supervise all the students activities/study sessions. 7 days a week. Unless I get a day off. Which I only get every 3 weeks. Would you enjoy this?”

“I totally agree with you. I knew it!” she says. “Don’t do this summer job again next year. Just don’t.”

For once I agreed with her. Even “Heart” texted yesterday asking if I was free. Was I? No. By the time I texted back, he was busy and I was too sleepy. By the time I have time to call anyone at night, be it him, my friends, or my family- I’m so tired I can’t even think. I can’t even respond to what they’re saying. I’m falling asleep. They waited all day to talk to me….and I’m irritable?

That’s not how I want things to be 😦

xoxo. S.

Getting Dumped On Valentine’s Day- And other awful weekly musings….

Hey reader,

I wish I could tell you I had a super awesome week. But I didn’t 😦

I can’t really tell you I got “dumped” because I did tell you in my previous post that I’m single haha. So we’ll just call this guy a “friend” because I don’t know what else to call him. But after not hearing from him for 5 weeks, I asked him to explain what is going on in our “flirtationship”.

flirtationshipThinking he has just been busy all these weeks, and the fact that it was Valentine’s Day, I thought he would choose this day to finally come to my door step and give me those chocolate hearts and teddy bears and claim his love for me. But he did the exact OPPOSITE. And I’ll spare you the details and I’ll just say we are not in this “flirtationship” anymore. And he had to choose Valentine’s Day of all days to break this news to me. I miss his love already, and words can’t really express how I feel at the moment so I will just move on to the next weekly musing.

Why must things be like this. I know things will get better soon, or I hope they do. We’ll be positive, because that’s what princess’s do. They have big hearts, they cry their eyes out, and walk to work/class the next morning like nothing is wrong.

Love you reader. Thanks for reading. xoxo. S.