I’m Good :)

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since my last year of college begin. Aside from working, taking 5 classes, and studying for the GRE- it was a really memorable time. In love and friends.

I still remember what “Prince Player” said during our first fiasco this year. “This is so small! There are more important things than our relationship!” I was sad that day. I didn’t know what he meant. To me, people and the relationships I have with them are everything.

But on Tuesday, as I sat in the doctor’s office, I knew. That player was right. There were more important things!

Such as being 22, young, and happy, and finding a lump right before you’re about to move to a new city and accomplish the dream you worked so hard for.

I breathe in and out. I think about the day before. On Monday, my dad took me to my favorite restaurant. He doesn’t really like the place, but I do. When we were done, he put his arm around me and smiled, “Are you happy?” he asked. I sigh. “Of course Daddy”. My whole family knew I was anxious and tired of being sick, they were doing small things to cheer me up.

My mom told me everyone was praying for me.

“You told grandma and all my aunts?” I ask.

“Well gosh Shahz. I had to let it out. It’s hard for me too you know” she says.

I squeeze her hand. “I know, how did they take it?”

She shakes her head. “Not good. You know, they were all excited for you. And then this. We’re all disappointed”.

I hug her. “It’s all going to be okay, mama”.

***FullSizeRender(4)

I’m nervous Tuesday. All the classical music playing in the office is not calming at all. I start praying again. I tell God that if I’m okay, I’ll take better care of myself. I’ll stop doing things I don’t want for people. I won’t push myself beyond my limit. I’ll stop staying up for guys that don’t want me the way I want them. I won’t-

“Shaz?”

I stop praying.

Dr. Hart, the radiologist has arrived. I breathe.

“So yes. The lump is still there, I could feel it. But I don’t see anything on the ultrasound. Your platelets were high as Dr. Clark said, so maybe your body was just fighting off an infection. It is fading. I don’t see any cause to take it out. Just keep an eye on it and keep taking ibuprofen three times a day”.

I’m so happy I could cry. Bless. Bless. Bless.

The nurse fills out the paperwork.

“You’re leaving for Boston Monday right?” she asks.

I smile and nod.

“Good luck! We’ll be rooting for you!” she says.

I smile even bigger and thank her. I am so blessed.

I find my mom and tell her the good news. She smiles bigger than I do. “Let’s go buy some things for you to take to Boston!”

“Can I have like 5? I have a few calls to make…” I say.

She gives me a look. I smile at her. “Ah” she says winking.

After calling my dad and brother, I call Mr. Photography dude. “I’m good” I say.

“Oh thank god. Yasmeen and I were worried sick during the training!” he says.

I laugh. So I call Yasmeen next. “I’m good” I say again.

“I am so so happy for you love! Thank goodness” she says.

I smile. And then I call my mentor. He recently got his MPH and knows how important it is to me.

“Yes!!! Thank goodness! See, I told you that you had nothing to worry about!”

I smile and go find me mom.

“Now you gotta call my family and dad’s family” she says.

Oh goodness. She calls her mom (my grandma) first and hands the phone to me.

“Oh my gosh Shahz! You gave us all a scare didn’t you?” she asks.

I laugh. “Grandma. I told you not to worry about me!”

“How am I supposed to not worry about you? You were my first granddaughter! My baby! I love you, Shahz”.

Aw. I speak with my aunt (from dad’s side) next. She has a history of this issue and knows the pain.

“Thank god Shahz. Now that that’s over. Try to de-stress and relax now. Please” she says.

FullSizeRender(3)I promise her I will. And then I promise myself.

I shop a little and go to dance class.

When I get home, I think a lot about the promise I made to God. About being better to myself. I’m going to do it this year for sure.

Any self-care tips? Comment below!

Thanks to all of my readers for being supportive this past week. The e-mails I got from you, comments you left me, all of it, kept me going. I truly believe all our positive thoughts is what helped me feel better! I love you all, with all my heart. Boston here we go!

xoxo. S.

The Chapters of My Book

“Dad says you have to get something surgically removed?”

My eyes widen. My brother knows now??

So it’s been a crazy few weeks. When I went in for my physical last week, the Vitamin B-12 and D deficiency was not the only thing that was found. I had a lump. In the best part of my body. I didn’t say anything because Dr. Clarke said it’s fine and nothing to worry about.

But it still kept hurting. Really badly. Like the day before yesterday, my parents were gone all day, and it was just me and my dog. I was sleeping all day because that’s the only thing that keeps the pain away. I woke up to find her, laying on my chest, on top of the lump, right where it hurts. And she looked at me with sad eyes. Like she knew. Something that should not be there, was there.

First, I called Yasmeen. Yasmeen’s mom is a nurse. They said I have to go back to the doctor, even if I already saw her last week and she said it was nothing. So, I called the doctor’s office immediately. They said they would be able to see me the next day (yesterday).

“Back so soon huh Miss Shaz?” Dr. Clarke says smiling.

“Yes Dr. Clarke. I think the lump got bigger” I say.

“Now Shaz. I told you it is possible that may happen. You are going through a lot in your life right now. You are about to move to a whole new city and about to start grad school. That could be causing your hormones to go up an down. Causing this lump. But if you think it has changed, I’d be happy to take a look” she says.

I try not to roll my eyes. “Yes, please”.

She pokes around. “Okay so yes you are right. It is definitely different than what I felt last week”. She takes out a little book that has notes and a ruler attached to it. She does a measurement. “Yup. I would think that is cystic. I’m going to need for you to go get an ultrasound. If it is problematic, you will need to get it out. Now that’s going to be very uncomfortable. And then you will need 4-6 weeks recovery time”.

What? What the fuck? How could she say that all like it’s no big deal???

I try not to cry. “I’m leaving for grad school is a week and a half.”

“Right. I’ll get Stacey to schedule an appointment with the hospital for you” Dr. Clarke says and leaves.

My jaw drops. What? What happened to “you’re moving and starting grad school? it’s probably just hormones?”

I breathe in and out. I hear Nurse Stacey calling different hospitals and spelling my last name. She comes in a few minutes later. “The soonest I could get you in was next Tuesday. Make sure when you go, you bring someone with you” she says.

“Okay” I say sighing.

I go back to the car where my mom is waiting. I start crying.

“Oh my god what? What is it? Shaz?”

I tell her everything.

“God help us” she says. “How will you go to Boston now?”

“I don’t know” I say sadly.

When we arrive my dad is in his office, finishing up some work.

“Go” my mom says.

I shake my head. As strong as my dad is, he can’t take news like this. He will act like he can, and then he’ll get sad and keep it all bottled up in side.

“Shaz has the lump a size of a marble. It grew from last week. She needs an ultrasound, the soonest they could get was next week. She has to get it taken out if it’s bad. They will do it right then and there. She will need 4-6 weeks recovery time.”

Yes. Thank you mom.

My dad stays quiet. “Are you serious? They couldn’t get her in sooner? Do they know she is leaving in a week and a half?”

We all stay quiet. And my dog comes and stand next to me. I pet her.

“Yes they do. I don’t know how she can go to Boston if they have to do the procedure” my mom says.

“Oh she won’t be going” my dad says shaking his head.

“What are you talking about? She has to! She has orientation and school” my mom says.

“I think her health is much more important than orientation and school. They will understand a medical emergency” my dad says.

I stand in shock. “Or. Maybe. It’s nothing. And they won’t even have to take it out!” I say piping up.

They stay quiet. So I go outside to get some fresh air. How did this happen to me? Bad things aren’t supposed to happen to good people. Did I mention I have severe anxiety and ADHD?

I hear them talking inside.

“Maybe she shouldn’t go to her dance class today. She should take some rest” my mom says.

“Let her dance! She needs to relax after getting news like this” my dad says.

I laugh to myself. My parents are cute.

“Shaz…” I hear my dad calling from inside. Oh god. I know that tone. He wants to talk about something.

“Oh. There you are. I was looking for you” he says with a cigar in his hand. He stands next to me near the lake.

“Don’t be scared. These things happen” he says.

I hide behind him. Crying is a major sign of weakness in his side of the family.

“I just can’t believe it’s happening now” I sniffle.

life-is-like-a-bookHe laughs. “Welcome to life. The chapters in your book, are not always going to go the way you want them too.” You know I had a lump too right? It was right as I was coming to America. I had two small children. I was the CEO of a company. I had to have it surgically removed. I hurt for 6 weeks, and I survived” he says.

I cry some more. “I’m not as strong as you” I say.

He puts his arm around me. “No. You are stronger”.

“Think about the good things. You don’t have anyone to take care of. And we have good insurance. So if something happens, you can stay with us and we will watch you until you feel better. And our insurance will take care of the procedure. There are many people that don’t even have those luxuries” he says. He’s right.

“I requested next week off. I was requesting off anyway to spend time with you before you go. So if you need anything, I’ll be there” he says.

Well that’s nice. He hasn’t really been able to be there when I had serious health issues in the past.

“And if not. We can watch movies all week!” he says. I laugh.

He goes back inside and I call Yasmeen.

Wallah. This is terrible. We’ll be praying for you” she says.

“If they put a knife or needle in my boob, I ain’t going to school” I say staring out into the lake.

“Oh my god! Stop! Don’t say that. Just hope that it’s good. You had lumps before right?”

“Yea but the doctor would immediately say it’s fine. This is the first time she needs an ultrasound!” I say.

“Okay..well what about cysts? You’ve had a cyst before right? And it went away on it’s own?”

I think back. “Yes. Yes I did. But that one was fine. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as this one” I say.

“Okay. Well 80% of lumps are nothing anyway” she says.

I laugh. She’s right. I go to my dance class. My upper body hurts so much more than usual. I pass out as soon as I get home.

The call from my brother awakes me. “Dad says you have to get something surgically removed?”

“Yes uh well hi to you too” I say. Then I sigh. My brother was always the weaker one of in these situations. He just bought his own place and got a new job. I don’t want to upset him.

“Look it’s fine. It’s most likely nothing. But if it is, they have to take it out” I say.

He seams sad. “I see. Well either way. I know this lump or whatever is pretty uncomfortable for you and mom and dad aren’t coming to help you move in. But I can fly in if you need me” he says. That’s nice of him. I tell him he should. And I go back to sleep.

This morning, I wake up well rested. But aching. I get a phone call from Mr. Photography dude.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asks.

I rub my eyes. “Nothing” I say.

“You know all about the drama with the new executive board right?” he asks.

“Yep” I say.

“Well Yasmeen says I shouldn’t stress you out with it because you have a lot of serious things going on. What does she know that I don’t?”

I feel like he’ll find out anyway. So I tell him.

“Holy shit” he says.

I take out my iPad and look at my snapchat to distract myself. I haven’t been on it lately because of everything going on. I see one of player’s stories. “When you leave yo girl’s house” the caption reads with a 5am filter.

“Oh my god! You’re not gonna believe what player just posted!” I say changing the subject.

“Oh my god Shaz. Stop. He’s probably just messing around. FOCUS. Focus on your issue!” he says.

“Right” I say putting my iPad down.

“When did you meet him anyway?” Mr. Photography dude asks me.

“The first week of school” I say.

He laughs. “I rest my case. You’ll meet someone new the first week in Boston!” he says.

“I might not even be there for the first week” I say.

“No don’t say that!” he says. “Remember what you wrote on your blog last week? About being resilient? Be resilient, woman!”

He’s right. It’s time to be the strongest I have ever been. In this chapter of my book.

xoxo. S.

 

Maybe I Am Special (Decided)

On Wednesday, after I cried my eyes out for the third time in a row this week, I walked downstairs to get a snack from the vending machine. I couldn’t tell if I was upset about school. My club. My friends. Making a decision about where I want to go to school. My family. My therapist. Or what my roommate asked about me and “Prince Player”.

Since I was already downstairs, I decided to check the mail. What came in the mail…changed everything. My official acceptance packet to BU ❤

After the initial happiness, I go to bed. I have dreams of me telling everyone and sitting in a BU class. When I wake up around 7 on Thursday morning, I have this weird intuition. That I WANT to go to BU. I really do. It’s the 10th best school in the country, it is a beautiful campus, I love the program- that’s it, that’s where I have to go.

I text Mr. Photography dude and go back to sleep.

Three hours later, he calls me. “Get up. We’ve got Dunkin!” He informs me that Sidekick and him are on their way. I rub my eyes. “What…it’s like 10 in the morning” I say.

“Yes. And that is a normal time people wake up at. Come on! Today is Shaz day! You decided habibti!!!!”

I laugh and start getting ready. When they arrive, Mr. Photography dude places the lattes down. “Alf mabrook, you deserve to go there” he says hugging me. Sidekick too.

“Okay so after this, you go on off to you’re class, and then we’re going out!” he says handing me tickets to something.

“What’s this?” I ask reading it.

“It’s a wine tasting class! I got free VIP tickets because I did a photo shoot for the guy teaching it. Actually, the guy knows you too!”

My eyes get wide. “Who?” I ask.

“Will! He gave me a free ticket, then I asked if my friend can come. And he said no. But then I randomly said your name- and he said, “Oh my god Shahz! No way! YES OF COURSE! I know her!”

I raise my eyebrow. I have no clue who he’s talking about. But hey, a $50 wine tasting class for free? I’ll take it.

So after they leave…and before I have to get going to class…I call my mom. I take a deep breath.

index“Mom. Do you remember that day I failed that Science test? In 8th grade? And the teacher returned it with the comment “Scientist?” on i, mocking me…claiming I can’t be a Scientist?” I ask.

Habibti…I forgot all about that. You never told me why he wrote that. How dare he! You are brilliant!”

“Exactly. He was wrong, Mom. And I have decided…that I’m going to BU. And I’m going become the best damn Scientist anyone has ever heard of”.

My mom begins crying and calls my dad. “She’s going to BU!!!! Our baby’s going to Boston!!! She decided!!!!” she yells, cries, laughs- I can’t even comprehend what she’s doing. “Well. No surprise there” my dad says with as smile in his voice.I laugh.

After class, Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick come back. It is time to make things Facebook official.

Mr. Photography dude takes a picture of me holding my acceptance packet.

“What should I write as the caption you guys?” I ask.

They look at each other. “Honestly. I think you should write that story about what your Science teacher said!” Sidekick says.

I shake my head. “Oh my god guys no. That is so personal” I say.

“Well maybe it’s time you get personal. People don’t see that side of you often…” Sidekick says. Mr. Photography dude nods.

So I do. I post the photo Mr. Photography dude took with a story of the Science teacher who claimed I couldn’t be a scientist and how I am now going to get pursue my MPH at BU.

And we leave for the wine tasting.

“Damn Shahz! Your post is already blowing up with likes!” Mr. Photography dude says.

I shake my head. “Shut up. I know people that get more” I say.

“Hey what have I told you about comparing yourself?” Mr. Photogaphy dude asks.

I laugh. When we get to the wine tasting class, I see a familiar face. I look closer. He hugs me. “SHAZ!!!!!” he says.

Oh. my. god. Will! It’s Will from my middle school science class!!!!!!!

“What are you doing here? Ya genius I thought you graduated early and were going to business school or something” I say hugging him back.

“I do” he says. “At Chicago Booth…” Well damn, Will did good. That is one of the best Business schools in the country. He looks at Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick. “This was the sweetest girl at our school. I always wondered what happened to her” he says.“She was something special”.

“She still is! Did you hear her big news?” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Of course! How could I not! Our whole school is talking about it!!!!” he pulls out his phone. “Look at all the people from (insert my former Middle school’s name) who liked it!” he says.

I smile. My eyes well up. Holy cow. Will begins pouring us glasses of wine. “Seriously. I always knew this girl would go places. Everyone knew her as beauty and brains. Can’t believe it. Shaz. Leaving us for Boston” Will says shaking his head.

I hang onto Will. “Stop. Look who’s talking. Mr. Chicago Booth! What are you doing teaching wine classes anyway?” I ask.

“Hey I gotta pay my tuition somehow don’t I?” Will says.

We laugh and raise our glasses. “To Shaz” Will says. I smile. “To all of you, for having my back in times of doubt” I say back.

We clink our glasses and sit through the class. In between, my Facebook is blowing up with likes, comments, and private messages.

I’m surprised to see one particular like. Not even a like but a “love”.

“Holy crap Will! Come here!” I say during a break.

He comes to me. I show him my phone. “Remember this guy? Bobby?” I ask.

“Yea. Popular guy. Busted for smoking pot Sophomore year. Why?” he asks.

I smile. “He was my Chemistry lab partner….” I say.

Will’s jaw drops. “Oh my god!!! The one who called you pretty and you were so flattered because he was popular and what not. Yea he always flirted with you. I think he liked you because he was a bad boy and you were a sweet girl” he says.

I smile and nod. Bobby, my Chem lab partner from high school, who I crushed on all semester during that class “loved” my news ❤ I would always tell Bobby about my passion for science and teaching. I’ve had no form of communication with  him for 6 years. Until now. Bobby hasn’t forgotten me! My favorite lab partner still remembers me ❤ I felt so special.

I wonder why my inbox is blowing up so much. I open it. Some people say congratulations. Some people ask my to make my post public so they can share :0 I roll my eyes at Mr. Photography dude. He looks at my phone. “Just tell them no. That this is personal. You’re flattered they want to share it but it’s personal” he says.

I’m excited to see my old friends have messaged me. Including big friends I lost touch with like Steven and Evan. When Steven and I begin talking, he says, “I always knew you would do big things. You are very special Shahz”.

It all made me smile ❤ As we were leaving, Will gives us a wine bottle to take home- as a congratulations present. It is so sweet.tumblr_n4pzcmDgNu1tpvwyho1_500.gif

When I get home. I feel so complete. I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life.

And then. I remember all the people I have to start saying goodbye to. Crap.

xoxo. S.

I Wanted to Be Special (My ghost phone, my person, my sanity)

I think Tuesdays should be eliminated from the week. Sometimes Mondays, Sometimes Wednesdays- but definitely Tuesdays. There was a time, when I was 19, I looked forward to Tuesdays. I got to see my wonderful then boyfriend- “Heart”. I just could not wait for Tuesday to appear.

But yesterday. And today. Was a nightmare.

It all began when I went to see my therapist. Our last session together. She wanted to take the last 20 minutes to discuss “how I was feeling that my sessions with her are ending”. I was happy, I told her that I have grown a lot as a person since I started seeing her and I’m fine. Since we established that, I decided to talk to her about another issue. She interrupts and says- “I think we should use this time to discuss how our sessions are ending and how you feel about that.” My jaw dropped. As a patient, I think I can decide what I want to talk about. And did I not just say…that I was fine with it? But I repeat my very simple statement I made before, and she stares at me for the rest of the time. I could not have gotten out of there fast enough. She wishes me well and I give her my best fake smile.

In a few minutes, my next hurdle will begin. My club meeting. My board pulls me aside to critique the board members I have chosen for next year. They don’t approve and start belittling everyone I chose :0 So as a good president- I tell them I respect their opinions, and would love to see who else they can find for these positions. They all stay silent. And finally conclude that they don’t know anyone else and suddenly agree that I chose a good board. Then they compliment each other and what a great job THEY did this year. Mr. Photography dude looks at me, and then back at my board, “Guys, I think we owe it to our President. She picked up all our shit when we couldn’t. Which was a lot of times.” So then they acknowledge me.

I step outside a few minutes later.

He follows me. “Don’t let them get to you. You don’t have time for that. You have Boston and your research study to worry about! Go home!” he says.

We hug and I do what he asks. Except when I get home, I can’t do anything. I feel sick. I feel anxious that all these people that once supported me, now don’t look at me the same.

As if things can’t get any worse, I see “Heart’s” name on my phone. It looked like he was calling me. I began saying “hello”. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited that he was calling me because it had been a really crappy day and it would have been nice to talk to a familiar person that knows me better than anyone else….

But then. I realize. That my phone is actually calling him….What the absolute heck?? My phone randomly dialed him! Oh shit. I instantly end the call.

And I text him. I tell him that I think I “buttdialed” him and am super sorry. But then, my phone calls some else!!! So I text “Heart” again and tell him that I actually have a ghost phone. He laughs and says it’s fine and I should get it fixed.

Ugh. I hope he doesn’t think I called him on purpose and using the “ghost phone” thing as an excuse. It really did call him!

We talk a bit about our clubs, he invited me to a few of his events and then we say goodnight. I get really sad thinking about the way we used to be, and what could have been.

A tear drop rolls down my cheek. How could I ever have lost the one person that saw the best in me.

Today I wake up empowered for it to be a good day. People are going through more serious things. I talked to a few of my classmates I’m doing my Senior Research Study with, and holy crap. One was in a car accident, one just lost a friend to suicide over the weekend, and one chopped off his finger while cooking!

I felt so bad for getting worked up about my stuff. My little mental issues are no where near as bad as what these guys went through this week.

“So are you good? Or did you have a crappy week too?” my classmate asks smiling.

I smile back. I didn’t have the heart to explain that my problems were mostly emotional.

When I got back from class, my roommate decided to randomly ask “Does your person know you’re moving to Boston?”

Wait what.

2 things.

Who said I have decided to go to Boston?

Who is my person? And then my eyes widen. She means “Prince Player”.

Oh. my. god. I politely answer, “No I don’t think he does”….and begin to get ready for Heart’s event and night class.

When I get to “Heart’s” event, Mr. Photography dude pulls me aside.

“Let’s leave” he says.

I raise my eyebrows. “Why?” It’s a busy day and I have night class in 50 minutes, but, I feel like I have to show “Heart’s” club support.

“You look like you’re about to cry” he says.

Well that’s not a lie. We walk outside.

He asks me why I look like I’m about to break.

I tell him what my roommate just said. “Yea so? Fuck that. It was just a question.” he says.

“He’s not my person. Never was, never will be” I say sadly.

“Don’t you mean, you’re not his person? Never was,never will be?” he asks laughing.

baa2a6cd3c1bb22eb058066669e6c059I look at him sadly and nod.

He shakes his head. “Okay whoa that was a joke! You don’t believe it do you?”

“It’s true” I say.

“So what if it is? He can still be your person even if you aren’t his” he says putting his arm around me.

I feel the wind blow through my hair. “It isn’t fair” I say.

We look away. I turn to him after a while.

“Will you miss me when I leave?”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Don’t even ask me that. You already know how I feel about it” he says.

“Do you think he will miss me?” I ask.

He looks down. “Yea…but I think he’ll miss a lot of girls when they leave” he says.

I want to cry, but I don’t. “And that’s the unfair part” I say. “I wanted to be special” I say letting my shoulders drop.

I shake my head. “How could she even suggest he was my person? We never went to restaurants. We never went to the movies. We never did anything outside of our places!!!!” I say irritated.

He shakes his head. “Yes but you guys had plenty of other important moments. Who cares where you talk. It’s about the conversation, not where. You are special. Won’t you miss a lot of other guys when you leave?” he asks.

I laugh. “Not the way I’ll miss you, Sidekick, player, and “Heart”!” I say. “You guys were all uniquely special to me” I say smiling.

“You’re special to a lot of people too. I promise. Remember what “Heart” said?” he asks.

I look down and smile.

“We will all miss you. You were a friend to us all” I say remembering.

“See this is why I advocate for you and him. I think he gets you better than player” he says laughing.

I sigh. Night class was about to begin and I get going. After night class, I can’t do anything. My anxiety is causing me to break and I am so burnt out from all my senior projects, I ask my professor for an extension on my homework assignment that was due tonight.

I don’t know why I let what others say (or don’t say) make me feel…unspecial.

xoxo. S.

Decisions, decisions

“Well, it’s up to Madame President.” Everyone turns to me.

I suck in my cheeks. Why. Must. I. Make. The hard. Decisions.

I’m not even over my weekend yet!

Last Friday: “Yea, we can do that next week” Player said smiling at me.

lunalovegood115-1589894_640_352My eyes widen. There’s a next week? :0 Christ. Last time we were together, player said, “We’ll do that next time. If there even is a next time….” implying he didn’t want one (and we didn’t, until now).

I smile. Oh that made me happy. I think. I shake it off. I don’t want my wild imagination to get ahead of me. Player leaves quickly. It’s good because he was tired and I had my flight in the morning.

I barely slept because of all the nerves. And then, I woke up in between feeling sick. I oversleep and end up missing my flight :/ Thankfully, I catch the next one and make it to my interview in time. It goes pretty well and I loved the campus.

Back to reality.

My board is waiting on me to make a decision on who I would like to pass my presidential role to and who else I want on next year’s executive board.

I swallow. “I need a minute” I say.

They all look at each other. I raise my eyebrows (implying I mean business!). They shrug and pack up their belongings.

Mr. Photography dude stays. They look at him. “What. I’m practically her assistant!”

I laugh and wait until they leave.

I bury my face on the table when everyone’s gone.

“So?” Mr. Photography dude says poking me after I didn’t move for 2 solid minutes.

“I can’t do this” I say.

“You better do this” he says.

“Why do I suddenly have to make all these decisions??” I ask. “Do I want this person to be President, or do I want that person to be President? Do I go to BU, or do I not go to BU? Do I trust player and try to patch up whatever it is we had with the time we have left. Or do I not-?” I start listing off all my questions.

Mr. Photography dude spits out his gum. “I’m sorry. What was that last one? About player?” he asks.

Sidekick walks in. “Yea what about player?”

“Where did you come from?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Sidekick points outside the door. “There”. I laugh at him. “They said you guys are deliberating in here. I didn’t know it was about player!” Sidekick says getting excited.

“We weren’t…” Mr. Photography dude says glaring at me.

“Well hell I want to. Did you guys hang out after your meeting last night?” he asks pulling up a chair.

I look at Mr. Photography dude and gape. “How-?” I begin.

“Oh please. I know you had one of your meetings last week. That’s why you couldn’t hang out with us. And I know what happens after those meetings” he says winking.

I smile and try to hide my laughter.

Mr. Photography dude glares at me and gasps. “Oh no way…no way. You did didn’t you? That’s why you missed your flight the next day!”

I roll my eyes. “You guys the security lines at O’hare are madness. It was going out the door. Keep in mind I was also feeling very sick-” I begin.

“I told you not to eat all that gluten” Mr. Photography dude says.

Sidekick looks like he won the lottery. “I knew it. She saw him!” He looks at Mr. Photography dude, “pay up” he says.

My eyes widen. Mr. Photography dude slips $10 to Sidekick and shakes his head at me. “I was rooting for you”.

My jaw drops. “You guys made a bet???” I ask.

“We’ve been betting all year. You’re making me broke!” Mr. Photography dude says.

“And you’re making me rich” Sidekick says pulling out his wallet.

I laugh and roll my eyes. “Why Shahz. Why. You deserve better” Mr. Photography dude says.

I sigh. “I’m leaving soon. For good. I want to see him as much as possible before I go. Just like you guys. It’s simple” I say.

“Yea but we’re good people” he says.

“Player’s a good person too” I say as I take off my heels that kill. “Be happy for me” I say grabbing his arm.

He shrugs. “It’s all good until you pose like this” he makes an angry face “and this at my photo shoots because you’re pissed at something he did”. I laugh. “Or when you show up to one of these meetings and you’re not the badass President you are because you’re pissed at something he did.” I laugh.

“Did you guys decide on President yet?” Sidekick asks. He has gotten off his high of me talking to player again.

I look at Mr. Photography dude. They both look at me. “What? This club is my baby. I gotta hand it down to someone who will take good care of it!” I say.

“Trust princess. Trust” Mr. Photography dude says organizing the applications of our top choices in front of me.

I choose an application. “This one” I say. Mr. Photography dude raises his eyebrows. “Mariam?” he asks. I nod.

“She’s not committed” he says biting his lip.

I sigh. “I know. But. She’s the only one that wants to specifically be president. Everyone else is open to any position” I say shrugging. “When she’s president, she will learn commitment”.

After deliberating for another hour, I choose 3 more board members. It is nice to see all the applications in a row. I made a decision!!!

When I get home. My dad has a question for me. “So did you decide about Boston?”539049756

Yikes.

And if you’re faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

xoxo. S.

Some Days I Have Very Bad Days, Some Days I Have Very Good Days

Some days I have very good days, some days I have very bad days. Some days I realize the situation with me and player is good, some days I don’t. Some days I enjoy being a mini politician, some days I don’t.

On Thursday, I didn’t think about any of the “some days I don’t”. Because. Thursday. Was an unreal day. Thursday as I was moping about my horrible Monday and Tuesday, and getting over my “normal” Wednesday, and preparing for a busy Thursday of meetings after class- I got an email.

I almost fainted. Boston University accepted me!!!!!!! The 10th best MPH school in the country!!!! Before I have a panic attack from good news, I call my parents and text Mr. Photography dude.

My parents were so happy, but we we were all disappointed by the fact that it costs 5 times as much as all the other school I got into 😦

“Look Shahz. If I were you, I would go for it. Think of it as an investment. I will help you. You get a job, and I will help you with the rest if this is where you want to go. Don’t let money be a factor in your decision” my dad said.

I shake my head. I can’t believe it. I can’t even believe my dad would help me. It’s expensive, and extremely far (5 hours of a flight) from him!

My mom was not as supportive. “You can go to a school here in Texas for 1/5th that price. If you go to Boston, you will need to get a job and start paying your undergrad loans immediately on top of your tuition”.

Lovely. I hang up the phone. “CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I’m not surprised at all to be honest you-had-the-power-all-along-my-dear-quote-1<3″ Mr. Photography dude has responded to the news.

“You know what this means right?” he asks as soon as I call him.

“What?” I ask him laughing.

“You can leave ‘Prince Player’ and all them behind!!!!”

I laugh. “What are you talking about?” I ask.

“A few months ago! Remember what you said? I said the chances of ‘Prince Player’ being with some other girl has the same chances of  you getting into an Ivy league! And you said, ‘Hey. If I get into an Ivy league and he’s with someone else…. I’m leaving!” he says.

I almost start crying from laughing to hard. I can’t believe I ever said that. “But Boston is not an-” I start saying.

“Don’t even Shahz. It is so damn close to being an ivy and you know it! Hey, you could go up to Harvard and MIT since they’re so close and find your husband there!” he says.

I laugh even more. I tell him the news about the price.

“Holy…shit. Well. That’s the price you have to pay for an excellent education right? Maybe it could be an investment” he says.

I sigh. “If I go there. I will have to be a research assistant, a waitress, and hell even a STRIPPER!” I say.

“That’s okay some girls do that to pay for their tuition” he says.

I’m on my rug from laughing to hard.

Oh boy. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t believe it. I am so proud of myself, so excited about this, but…I have no idea how I could ever fund it 😦

The next day I have a dream that player wrote me a letter saying “CALL ME”. And then, in that dream, I got so busy- I never did. Is this some weird freaky sign telling me something or what.

On Saturday, I get the news that it is time to pass my Presidency to someone else as I am graduating soon. Holy. Moly. Where has the time gone?? I grab my phone to tell Harris, but then I remember the dilemma. That was also part of my irritation last week. WHY IS HARRIS NOT BEING UPFRONT WITH ME ABOUT LOVE AND POLITICS. Also, some people don’t like the fact that he is n798f28173ca032e972deee70bf752042ot President anymore- because I am a woman. And he is a man. Are they nuts. I can do anything Harris can do, perhaps better.

Some days I have very bad days, some days I have very good days.

xoxo. S.

Another Acceptance (All is up in the air- in love, school, and politics)

On Tuesday night, I had yet another anxiety attack. It was when I was going to sleep, all these thoughts rushed over me, and I just couldn’t breathe. It was 4 am.

This happens once a week as I try to fall asleep. I think about my past, my future, and the My-biggest-fear-is-that-eventually-you-will-see-me-the-way-I-see-myself..jpgnow. I grieve on the past and get scared of the future. It is a really annoying 30 minutes. I wait for it to pass, and when it finally does, I am asleep.

So Wednesday morning I was expecting nothing but to carry on with another day. But when I woke up, I was in for a real surprise. I open up my email as I do every morning, and I see  a huge WELCOME! email.

I click on it and my jaw drops. Texas A and M University, has accepted me.Why the heck was I having an anxiety attack the night before??? The 25th best Public Health school in the country has accepted me.

After the initial shock and excitement, I remember why. I applied for my parents. Colorado was my dream school, but because A and M is better (and closer) my parents had me apply there. I had no clue I would get in…

So. It was time to call my family. They don’t pick up at first, my mom texts saying that my dad is in a call. I obviously want to tell them together so I wait and text my dad saying I have big news to tell him and he needs to put a rush on his call (even if it’s work) because this news is very big news.

A few minutes later, they call back.

“Soooo….Congratulations?” my dad says as soon as I pick up the phone.

I laugh. “How did you know??” I ask.

“Please. My daughter will not call me at 9 in the morning telling me to hang up my conference call for no valid reason” he says laughing. “So tell us. What school?”

I smile and take a deep breath. “Texas A and M”.

I almost have to mute the phone. My dad starts hollering and my mom starts screaming.

“Mabrook (Congratulations) baby. We knew you could do it” my mom says.

“Way to go Shaz. See now you can move up to Texas and be close to us” my dad says once he has processed the news.

Oh boy. My eyes sting. I never expected to get in…I feel like Texas A and M might be too overwhelming for me. It is a new place, new city, 50,000 people- I just don’t know.

“So why are you so quiet Shaz are you not happy?” my dad asks.

“I am…it’s just…now I have to go there don’t I” I ask.

“What do you mean?” my dad asks.

“I had my heart set on Colorado” I say crying.

I could hear both of them sighing in the background. “Look. No you obviously don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. But seeing Texas A and M has a better program and also one of the best schools in the country overall, I just think it is more logical” my dad says.

I stay silent. “Am I right or am I wrong Shaz?” my dad asks.

“Yes….” I lie.

“Look it’s up to you. We won’t pressure you. You’re an adult” my dad says. “And you still have more schools to hear back from!”

Oh that’s right. He is absolutely right. So we discuss next steps and before they hang up, my dad says, “Keep up the good work”.

Holy. Shit. My dad never says that. And he never said it to me, that’s for sure.

I update my Snapchat followers on the news, sad that I won’t have “Prince Player” congratulating me this time. Not that it matters. I ask Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick if they are free, and when they say they are, I tell them to meet me at the bakery 🙂

Mr. Photography dude kisses me on both cheeks “Alf mabrook!” (1,000 congrats) “Why are you so humble when it comes to your intelligence? You act like you don’t know much but here you are, holding acceptances to the best schools in the country!”

I laugh. Sidekick hugs me, “Congrats”. Each of us get a frosted cookie and sit down. We joke about the fact that I’m going to gain a few pounds before graduation if I get more acceptances.

“So you really are leaving huh?” Sidekick asks.

I nod. “Yea…guess so”.

We stay silent.

This is sad. But, exciting at the same time.

It’s sad because I imagined my last quarter to be as exciting as I can make it. I wanted 12144665_779553258847179_2251013384211725091_nto see my friends as much as possible and smile every chance I get. But it’s hard seeing all my friends because a) “Prince Player”, “Heart”, and I all fell apart b) and then my non-romantic friends are busy with their new jobs/planning their own future. 

And in the midst of all this, it’s exciting because I can get away from the place that gave me a lot of heartache. I know I wrote all about the lovely memories I had here, but sometimes, these anxiety attacks remind me that life wasn’t so happy here.

“Have you talked to player” Mr. Photography dude asks reading my mind.

“Nope. Not since the day he walked out” I say.

“How about Harris?” he asks.

I think to myself. “Oh shit… I haven’t really spoken to him either” I say.

“Was the last time you spoke to him that day we went dress shopping?” Sidekick asks.

“The day after player and I had our mishap? Oh yea. What the fuck. Something must be bothering these Scorpios!” I say.

They laugh. “I’m serious guys. I get why player is ignoring me. He hates me. And that is fine. But Harris? What is wrong with him?? I message him everyday!” I say.

Mr. Photography dude puts his cookie down, “Um. Why are you messaging him everyday?”

I suck in my cheeks. “I’m…curious…”

“About what…” Mr. Photography dude asks.

“I need to know why he resigned” I say.

“Uh huh. Are you sure you’re not curious about how much he loves you” Mr. Photography dude asks.

My jaw drops. “Shut up. He’s 10 times better than me and he knows it” I say.

“That’s a lie” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Have you heard his voice? He is like the best Arabic singer around! He performs every weekend…” I say.

“And you? Have you seen the way you move? You are a skilled dancer. That’s why you guys go perfectly go together!” he responds.

I sigh. “It’s not about that. He’s just smart. Strong. Loyal. Quiet- keeps things to himself. Just better than me overall” I say.

Both of their jaws drop. “It’s almost like you were talking about yourself… You guys are like identical. That’s why he gets you!” Sidekick says.

I think to myself. The day before our last big event (before Harris resigned) I had a lot of work to get done in preparation for the day. During our prep meeting- our board wanted to go to an event, but I didn’t. I wanted to finish up our stuff. The only person that got through to me was Harris, who closed my laptop and said, “Yallah. Let’s have fun. I’ll help you finish this later”.

Harris always had my back. Always jumped to my defense. Always made sure of my e585921269f082ab0ed35be98734e8d2schedule before planning dates. Brought out the real me (which isn’t easy to do).

Damn I miss my VP. I need to get that Harris back!! I didn’t mean to take his position :0

Later that night, my mom told me how my dad was grinning ear to ear at work all day. I smile to myself. My dad has never been this proud of me. But, if I choose the grad school he wants me to go to, will I regret it? After thinking for a bit, I decide I want to fly to both schools one weekend and take a look. And I’ll be damned, much to my mom’s diasaprooval of me walking around by myself, my dad agreed!

In the midst of the celebration, my crying the night before caught up to me. I got a terrible cold and am currently sick 😦 I truly believe that when you are under a lot of pressure- you can get sick. Thankfully, after drinking lots of grape juice and soup- I’m slowly getting better 🙂

I just wish that everything that’s up in the air would come down already so I can graduate in peace.

How my first quarter of my last year ended

Well readers, that flew by so fast. I can’t believe my first quarter of my last year in college is over!

In Academics:

In the midst of finals- I wanted to keep blogging but just could not :/ I think all my finals except Microbiology went well. I guess I’ll be retaking it next quarter :0 But I expected it. It was my hardest science classes out of the 4 I took this quarter and constantly depressed me.

I am proud of myself for not completely losing my mind as I took 5 (all science) classes this quarter. I am also proud for keeping up with them even with my TA job, my Vice Presidents duties, and volunteering. I hope I can do better in Microbio next quarter.

quotes-about-motivational_16775-1I am taking a class over winter break. I am also *eep* taking the GRE on Monday (another reason why I have been so absent here!). Sometimes, I wish I accepted my undergraduate school’s offer to continue my graduate studies. All my friends have graduated early and have their “next steps” figured out. But I try not to compare myself and keep moving forward ❤ More about GRE pressures in the “In Family” section.

In the Flight Back Home:

I used my time in my three hour flight to catch up on sleep that I missed during finals week. When I finally woke up in the middle of the flight, everything was blurry. I couldn’t see or hear anything. I thought I was going to throw up. “Excuse me I feel sick” I mumbled out literally jumping over the passengers sitting next to me. I stumbled to the bathroom. This was so strange, I have been traveling on planes all over the world since I was a baby! What was happening?!? One flight attendant gave me a sympathetic smile and I quickly opened the “Vacant” bathroom (thank god) and squeezed myself in. I take many deep breaths. Rapidly. Okay. That was better. My eye sight came back and I can suddenly hear things again. I stay in the bathroom for about 10 minutes. As a Health Sciences major, I am very used to diagnosing and treating myself. I ask the flight attendant for some water when I come out. I walk back to my seat, I have a migraine but I do feel better. I kindly apologize to the people who were sitting next to me and they asked me if I need anything. “Oh I’m fine! I have no idea what just happened!” I say. My mom says it’s time to get my blood work done again :0

In Family:

My Grandma from my Dad’s side is visiting. I always prayed she would come to the U.S one day, literally maybe since I was 10 I have been praying. And finally, she is here for my birthday, Christmas, and New Year. Grandma brings so much peace into my house. With my anxiety over the GRE, and my dad causing me to have even more anxiety as he pressures me to study-my Grandma is there to tell him to “chill”. I have no idea how I will take two classes and apply to grad schools over break with all this pressure and me wanting to spend time with my Grandma!

“Habibti, everything will be okay. I’ll take care of your dad. You study and we’ll start hanging out once the GRE is over” she said dropping off some chai.

I love Grandma’s chai ❤ She also makes empanadas. Speaking of which :0

In love:

Coming to you soon 😉 A very long, lovely, story that will have to wait until I’m done with the GRE! Stay tuned 🙂

I hope all my readers had a fantastic Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for all of you who keep me sane ❤

xoxo. S.

I Don’t Really Like My Internship…

There. I said it.

My worst nightmare has come true. I have become unfond of my internship of being an RA and TA at a highly prestigious university. This internship was my dream job, and now… not so much.

I’ve been hiding it from everyone around me. But last night, after I put all my kids to bed, I put myself to bed and I couldn’t stop crying.

I never get “alone” time. I am on my feet 6am to 11pm. And everyday, something terrible happens. A student in class will ask me a question I can’t answer, a student in the dorm will get mad at me for telling him/her to keep it down, oh and the worst- I will be asked to run an errand as I nap during my 30 minute daily break.

Today, right before I put my kids to bed, I got a few minutes to call my family. Even finding time to do that has become a challenge. Especially today when my supervisor asked me to run some medication to a dorm right before midnight. Uh, that wasn’t in my job description…

Anyways, I called them. And for the third day in a row, my mom asked if I liked my job.

Finally today, I flipped. “Mom. I don’t know many people who would like a job they had to work from 6am to 11pm. I teach class until 3:00. And then 3:00 to 11:00 I have to make and supervise all the students activities/study sessions. 7 days a week. Unless I get a day off. Which I only get every 3 weeks. Would you enjoy this?”

“I totally agree with you. I knew it!” she says. “Don’t do this summer job again next year. Just don’t.”

For once I agreed with her. Even “Heart” texted yesterday asking if I was free. Was I? No. By the time I texted back, he was busy and I was too sleepy. By the time I have time to call anyone at night, be it him, my friends, or my family- I’m so tired I can’t even think. I can’t even respond to what they’re saying. I’m falling asleep. They waited all day to talk to me….and I’m irritable?

That’s not how I want things to be 😦

xoxo. S.

Healing….in teeth and love

What a crazy few days 😦

Healing from emergency wisdom teeth surgery and coming back to school at the same time has been no joke. Today marks one entire week of having to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled out.

I knew something wouldn’t go right when the surgeon and nurse said “You’ll be okay! There’s people who ate a steak the next day!” Not true. I can’t even eat a grape.

Take my advice everyone, get your wisdom teeth out when you’re 18 and young. Don’t wait until you’re 20 and your teeth have bigger problems and wisdom teeth surgery makes things worse!

I walked outside for the first time in 4 days today. After moving in Saturday, I have refused to leave my place (my face was huge and I’m still slurring my words). All my friends have been kind enough to visit and drop off get well gifts. I had 15 visitors so far! I felt so popular ❤ Until today. Today, I had training for that teaching job. And this was not something that I wanted to excuse myself out of. So I woke up, showered, made myself look as good as a model- and went. My face looks cb6a7ffcfe8a3728a12e55aa0c59469cnormal now anyway. And well, I must have forgotten that “Prince Player” would be there! Because really, whose face did I see first? His. And what do you know- he’s a heck of a lot popular than I am. Every single time I got a chance with him- someone would interrupt. In the end I just gave up and texted my friend Sam.

Sam came to visit Sunday and gave me some info about “Heart”. My worst day of healing (Friday), Sam had bumped into “Heart” at a party. “Heart” told Sam, “Hey man. See that girl right there, I’d get with her.” And Sam asked about me. To which “Heart” asked “Who?” several times. And Sam repeated over and over again until “Heart” finally said “OH! You mean Shahz? Dude she’s crazy. Yea we probably made out a few times…but hey she’s nothing.” HOW. COULD. HE. I’m glad Sam waited until my teeth pain was manageable to tell me this. Because then I just shrugged it off and I assured Sam, “Oh well. He was just probably drunk. He always comes back to me.” And Sam said “Okay” to make me feel better. But today I messaged “Heart” as we were planning to see each other this week, and he never responded. So maybe he did mean what he said. And I am sad. These men never change do they? 😦

What the heck readers? Weren’t we the ones that were expecting an amazing welcome back from both of these men after See You Later (To the Men of Sophomore Year). I guess Fall is their season and Spring must be mine. Because both of these players currently have more people in their “circle” than I do while I was totally owning Spring.

Last night, I had this crazy dream that my mom found out about the men in my life. She said, “we need to talk”. My god I was so scared I thought it actually happened! I think if she found out, she’d be dissapointed that I let the men in my life treat me the way they do.

I hope everything heals fast. My teeth and my heart 😦

xoxo. S.