Dating After Emotional Abuse

“Do you have a dating life right now?”

This is what “Prince Player” asks me after I tell him The Big Sick reminded me a little of the way he and I was.

I frown. Only “Prince Player” can ask me that question and get away with it.

Hmmmm. Does hanging out with a guy once and never talking to him again count?? No I don’t think it does.

“No lol. Why?” I ask.

“I was just curious lol. I haven’t heard anything about that part of your life for a while” he says.

Ah. Of course. I’m sure my readers thought the same thing.

And here is why. The last guy, “K”, was emotionally abusive. And I didn’t know it. I missed all of the red flags.

Today, I am here to write share some of those red flags. Because I don’t want anyone to stick around for it like I did.

#1: When he found my birth control

K: “Shahz, what are these?”

Me: *grabs them from his hand* “Give me those, those are my birth control pills”

K: “But you told me you don’t have sex!”

Me: “I don’t. Those are to control the cramps and vomiting that happen every month when I get my period”

K: “Yea right you expect me to believe that? I have never heard of that excuse”

Me: *about to cry* “Then you clearly don’t know enough about them”

K: *gets angry* “What was that you just said?”

#2: When he saw my selfies with my best friend Jeanette

K: “Who’s this chick in all your Snapchats?”

Me: “My best friend Jeanette….”

K: “Is she a good girl?”

Me: *confused* “What?”

K: “I want to make sure you are hanging out with good people”

Jeanette is working on her Master’s with me. And works as a pharmacy tech. This guy had nothing near that. Really??

#3: When I hired a person trainer to help me with the weight gain my auto-immune disorder caused me this past year

K: “Seriously? Can’t you just watch Youtube videos instead?”

Me: “Um. I have more serious issues than that.”

K: “How would you feel if I had a personal trainer??”

Me: “I would be happy that you are taking care of your body and proud of the fact that you are working so hard!”

K: *laughs mockingly* “How much do you pay this guy?”

My personal trainer is gay.

#4: When we were cooking dinner and he opened a jar and accidentally got the contents all over my white walls

Me: *terrified that management is going to fine me for this, starts wetting a towel and wiping furiously* “Hey, can you help me with this?”

K: *tries for a second* “Ugh. I never had to clean a thing in my life. Just stop babe. I’ll hire a maid”

I agreed on a count of the mess he made was so bad and it stuck to the walls.

Those stains stayed there for two weeks. No word from him about the “maid” he promised to clean up the mess HE made.

Me (texting): “Hey. Can you please send that maid you said you were getting? Inspections are soon, and I don’t want to get fined”

Him (texting back): “Shahz wtf? Every time we go out, I take you to a nice fancy restaurant. On the rooftop. $100 meals. And you are upset about this??”

Wait what? He did that once. And may I say, people buying you expensive things/taking you nice places after they were mean to you- that’s emotional abuse.

Me: “Sorry”

I ended up hiring a maid myself. I saw an ad for one in my building. It was a guy’s cleaning company. I live alone in my apartment and was anxious about having a male stranger in my place, but it was my only choice. He had the most affordable rate.

Thankfully, he was a nice guy. He tried cleaning it and said the stains are so bad it won’t come out, and it will have to be painted.

My jaw dropped. But he offered to paint it for me and he did. $100 out of my savings. Gone.

And that was it. This happened right before Valentine’s day. I told “K” I took care of it and asked him if we will be taking me out for Valentine’s day. He said yes, and never showed up.

That is when I sent this text: “You know what. I can’t do this anymore. I’m loyal, I’m beautiful, and I’m smart. I deserve someone that will cherish that. Not someone that will make me beg and wait for his attention.”

And when he doesn’t respond, because he thinks he has more power than me, I decide I have more power. And I block him. On my phone, Snapchat, Facebook, and WhatsApp.

I haven’t had a “dating life” since.

Sure, I’ve been on several dates since then. But they haven’t lasted more than a week.

Because I am terrified.

After I realized what I had gone through was emotional abuse, I felt stupid.

I am better than this. I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I come from a good family.

This does not happen to girls like me. Girls like me don’t stay in relationships like this.

I should have known.

But I didn’t. I didn’t listen to my mom or brother who were the first people to notice “K’s” strange behavior.

And I feel bad.

I don’t want to declare a “dating life” until I have gone out with someone for more than 6 weeks. That’s my new rule.612923_xYm2zZKs

I am not sad. I am not hurt. I just want time.

The sad part about all of this is, these were just 4 incidents. There was an incident every time I saw him.

To many of you, I am like a little sister or daughter. The purpose of this post was not to make any of you sad or upset. It is so that you and anyone you love can understand the signs of emotional abuse. Because I missed those signs. And if people talked about it more often, I wouldn’t have.

With love,

Shaz

Thanks to My Guy Friends

I owe my guy friends a huge thank you for helping me get my sanity back.

After reaching out to my guy friends on Tuesday night, I woke up yesterday morning feeling great. Even the guys who weren’t able to answer their phone late Tuesday night actually called back yesterday morning to check up on me. I FELT SO LOVED.

In the midst of all the random calls and texts, my phone rang. I asked myself “Who could that be?” as everyone who I called already returned my call. IT WAS HEART!!!! And what do you know, all my readers and male friends were right…he just got a new job and has been working non-stop. Well no wonder… we had an amazing conversation. He said he’s been missing me like crazy and wouldn’t stop thinking about me. I said I felt the same way! He asked me if I was free, sadly I had class and work 😦 He’s not free on Thursdays anymore. We have decided to see each other on Tuesdays. Fridays if Tuesdays are not possible. Tuesdays are a rather awkward time for me as it is somewhat the beginning of the week and I have a lot of work for Wednesday. But what Heart said sticks to me, “A moment with you on any day, is better than not having a single moment with you for weeks”.

It’s hard to believe that a man actually likes me. But it sure does feel nice 🙂 And if he ever leaves me, I will go cry to my guy friends ❤

xoxo. S.

The Perfect Guy Award- Dave from “The First Time”

the first timeHello reader!

Welcome to my new segment- The Perfect Guy Award 🙂 I’ve been watching all these movies lately, and I can’t help but wish some of these guys will jump out of that movie screen and into my life.

So I will give an “award” to these guys, inspiring my female readers and myself to keep looking for “him”…and my male readers to learn a little something 🙂

So. This week’s award goes to “Dave” (played by Dylan O’ Brien) in The First Time. He is such a sweetie. A normal conversation between the him and a girl just spark one night and they build an instant connection. When he doesn’t get her numbi fell in loveer after such a night, he goes as much to find her home number and call her there. Although she has a much older boyfriend, he still fights for her and makes her believe in her dreams. Even after she treats Dave so poorly, he is still the one that picks her up and comforts her when she needs him. And. He is so smooth…you better watch those love scences in the movie reader. The way he cuddles her and talks to her is amazing. I could go on but it’s not the same as seeing it! Watch it 🙂

xoxo. SassPrincess.

What My Freshman Year of College Taught Me

Can’t believe it. Seems like just yesterday I walked through these doors all nervous and excited about the new chapter in my life. And with that, this year brought many struggles and joys ❤ Time sure does fly by fast! Here’s what I learned 🙂

#1- Don’t give into guys quickly. You may think you’ve found “the one” after one month of getting to know this sweet guy, but beware. As the months go on, he’ll meet other girls and continue his “exploration”. So please wait longer than a month, maybe even two.

things happen for a reason#2- Don’t regret things. Things happen for a reason. You’re young and independent now. If you slip up and do something stupid, you know never to do it again. It’s okay to make mistakes, life didn’t come with a handbook.

 

 

no matter how#3- Show your face. Did you wake up feeling like hell after he dumped you last night? Put on some yoga pants, cute hoodie, and some lipstick and go to class anyway. He is not worth your grade or LOVE. It’s his loss! Once you get home, you can put your headphones on and slip away from the world if you want to. Or, you can find your girlfriends and eat/drink. Whichever works best for you! 😉

#4- Blessing or a Lesson? If a guy hurts you, don’t automatically start planning his revenge. It sucks, I get it. But there are always misunderstanding or reasons we never think about when they dump us. Even if they don’t have an excuse, understand God put them in our life for a reason. He was either a blessing that helped you find a part of yourself that you’ve never seen before, or he was a lesson teaching you to never a) become like him b) date someone like him again.

#5- Smile. Smile to your barista, cafeteria workers, and janitors. You’ll probably know these guys for four years. They work long hours, brighten their days with a smile and small talk.

#6- Get to know your cute guy neighbors. This is a must. When you can’t those jars open, you want them to be there!

#7- Have “comfort food” hidden somewhere! Whether it’s finals, a break-up, or PMS- you need chocolate! And other things for that matter…But beware, roommates steal these things like no other. Hide them under your bed in some decorative shoebox or something.

#8- Be active. Take use of the campus’s gym. Exercise gets you blood pumping and makes you feel happier.

#9- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You may be in college, and expected to be all independent, but come on. We all need somebody. So if you’re struggling, find someone and ask for help.

be who you are#10- Don’t let anyone change you or  your morals. If you come to college not wanting to get loose or participate in things like alcohol/drugs, don’t. The people who try to make you do it, aren’t worth it. I can honestly tell you that with a roommate that smoke and came home drunk almost every night, a shy girl like me was able to stand up to her and fight for my morals. You can do it too! 🙂

xoxo. SassPrincess.