Rejection

A month ago, my life was great. I had two companies fighting for me, a guy that I had been deeply missing visiting me, and a set of plans as to what to do after graduation.

I don’t really have anything now.

I was sitting in a review session yesterday, excited out of my mind to take my last EVER final. And I got this email I didn’t expect. “While we were impressed with your background, we decided to go in a different direction…”

My eyes widened. That was the company I had a FOURTH interview with. I had banked on working for them, staying in Boston forever. My. dream. job.

My eyes well up in the classroom. I swallow. I text my dad the email.

And he makes me smile.

Alexander-Graham-Bell-Quotes-2“Don’t worry too much about this. Your grandfather once told me this quote. *When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us*. 

He was right. There is a company who has shown interest in me that I have been ignoring and I think I will give them a shot.

I also started to think about my love dilemma.

It was applicable there too. I focused too much on my “closed door” (Prince Player) that I failed to see the open door (Scientist). And I don’t think I can ever get Scientist back.

But as my dad said after we talked for a bit, “You learned. And that’s what’s important”.

Indeed.

xoxo. S.

Advertisements

Uncertainty

Have you ever been in uncertainty? How did you cope?cf26080b4bc5bf320fd707b876c0abe0

I have been in uncertainty for about a month now. April and May was supposed to be fun. Two months of festivities due to graduation and my hard work.

Unfortunately, it has been nothing but uncertainty.

In love…

The day I saw “Prince Player” last, I went to the gym to release my anxiety. I go faster and faster and faster on the treadmill as my mind becomes flooded with confusion.

I was his “lovebug”.

For six years, we witnessed each other’s ups and downs.

We always believed in each other.

I see a hand on the tredmill.

It’s my friend Gigi.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP! YOU ARE GOING WAY TOO FAST!” she says.

I stop and gasp for air.

“I need to go home” I tell her. I go home and stare at the ceiling. I wonder how player and I ended up here (as mentioned in the last post).

The next day, when I seek player’s attention and realize isn’t coming back, I go out. And the very unexpected happens. I re-connect with a graduate student (let’s call him *Scientist* because that is what he does for a living) I met a while ago.

I’m angry, sad, and hurt over “Prince Player”. But Scientist and I hit it off. We schedule a date for the week and I am nervous.

Much to my surprise, I actually enjoy my time with him. For a mechanical engineering PHD student, he certainly has a lot of charm. I ask him when his birthday is. He mentions a date in October.

“Oh you’re a Libra! Phew” I say.

“Nope. Scorpio” he says.

My eyes widen. “OH MY GOD. NO!” I say.

We both laugh.

“I can’t” I say on account of Prince Player being a Scorpio.

“Hey, I’m one of the good kind!” Scientist says.

I smirk. “I hope so.”

He walks me home. He has heard all about the Prince Player story.

“After that happened. I bought a 6 pack of Insomnia cookies” I said embarrassed.

“Oh my god. I bought one of those this past weekend too!” he says. And I laugh no longer feeling embarrassed.

We talk some more. I talk about how nervous I am, dating again. “Hey, I am on a mission to prove to you I am a good Scorpio” he says. I laugh “Okayyyy”.

When we reach my place, he kisses my cheek. “This was so much fun! We definitely have to do this again”. I smile.

I lay on my bed once I reach my apartment. It’s strange because, I felt sad. Scientist could never replace Prince Player.

And it was even more strange because, although I didn’t feel any romantic feelings for Scientist- I had this strange happy feeling inside of me. One that I haven’t felt in a long time.

The next morning I woke up for my early morning class, I was happy and full of energy. I wasn’t tired and irritable as I usually was.

I should have noticed the signs that I actually liked Scientist. But I just thought I was happy from having a nice night out instead of being in my room moping.

Which is why when he asks me out again a few days later, I didn’t say no.

And then he kissed me.

And that’s when I had to let it go.

“I’m too overwhelmed right now, I need space” I say.

“I feel that” he says.

When he leaves I feel terrible.

The next morning I wake up. And feel even more terrible. Because Scientist has shown nothing but love to me and I pushed him away because he was nothing like Prince Player.

I tell Scientist we should talk. He agrees and we set up another date.

This date goes very well in terms of I have gotten over the “Prince Player” situation and can fully focus on the Scientist. Finally Scientist and I are on the same page, both of us like each other and admit we enjoy our time together.

And then he says he has to tell me something. I laugh, unafraid, because I have so much experience with Prince Player telling me things I didn’t want to hear. Surely whatever Scientist had to say wouldn’t be that bad.

“I have dated two girls from your Masters program.”

My jaw drops.

And then he says their names. Fuck. I know both of them.

I. can’t. do. this. I mumble about how uncomfortable this makes me.

“Look. I get that you see them all the time, and it could be awkward,  but you are graduating in a month” Scientist says trying to comfort me.

Yea… true. But what he doesn’t know is this is like the Prince Player situation from 5 years ago. Except Prince Player didn’t tell me. And Scientist dated these girls in the past, not when he was seeing me.

“Do you need space?” Scientist asks.

“No. no. no. Just- no” I say on account of I asked for space last time and I regretted it.

“No more dating girls from my program, ok?” I say.

He smiles. “Noted” he says.

We talk it out some more and he leaves. I shake my head. Why does things like this always happen to me? I see both of the girls at an event the next day. I smile politely and speak like a lady like I don’t know their history.

But I eventually get over it. Scientist seems to be a nice guy, and the past is the past. Right?

Except. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Because. He hasn’t asked me out since then.

Uncertainty.

And I still haven’t heard from “Prince Player”.

Uncertainty.

In job hunting…

I reached the third round of interview for my favorite company. I was so sure they wanted to hire me and I would have an offer by now, all set by graduation. But I haven’t heard a thing- and instead of staying in Boston, I am returning home to Texas.

Two years ago I was complaining I had too many offers and couldn’t decide. I would kill to be in that position right now. Having too many offers is better than having zero.

Uncertainty.

Tonight I close my eyes again and just wonder how I got here. A bright girl with big hopes and dreams, but now broken and unsure what to do. My gut says if I be patient, the answers will come to me in time for graduation. But that’s just my gut.

Uncertainty.

xoxo. S.

Almost is Never Enough Part 2

*Written a few weeks ago, continued from Almost is Never Enough

I close my eyes and think about how player and I got here.

I think about my freshman year of college, I was always- waiting. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school, and I just couldn’t do to the very difficult major I was pursuing. Being with player and other friends was my only source of happiness during that time.

But, player wasn’t always around. He would say he would visit, and I would wait and wait and finally text him to check on our plans, only to have him cancel.

This is what happened in Boston too.

I stare at the ceiling as I wait for him. My eyes wet from tears. I ask God to give me a sign that there is still something left of me and player.

But instead, I got a sign that there definitely wasn’t. I cry and cry and cry. I waited two years for this moment.

Yes, player was sick. But. It would have been nice to grab a coffee with him before he left.

When his weekend here concludes, I wonder if he made it back to Chicago okay.

I don’t even get that information.

I close my eyes and think of our happy moments amongst the bad.

There was that time I thought I failed Microbiology and I thought I would have to re-take it for the third time. He held me and said “it’s okay”. And only a few weeks later, I found out I got into graduate school and he said “see babe, I told you everything will be okay!”

There were those times he walked me home. I felt so safe. 

There were those times he would randomly text “Hi” and I would wonder what was up and he would say, “I miss you <3”

I sigh. I look at the wine he gave me as a gift. I pour myself a glass. And then another one.

I lay back in bed and close my eyes.

What the hell was I doing?

I am Shaz.

I am strong.

I am smart.

I am beautiful.

I am a month away from graduating from a top 10 graduate school. I won’t let my broken heart get to me like it did 5 years ago.

xoxo. S.

Almost is Never Enough

I always waited for the day “Prince Player” and I would reunite. Like actually reunite. I loved seeing him in the bakery when I went to visit Chicago a few months ago, but the time was not enough. And I felt my heart feel empty.

Which is why I was excited when I found out he was coming to Boston. This was it. Finally, after two long years, I could hold one of my favorite people again.

“You guys are like a Nicholas Sparks movie” my mother once said about us. Meh. Not really.

Anyways, the week leading up to his visit was crazy. I had an event every day and assignments due. But still, I got my hair done, I got my nails done, I got ready! I couldn’t believe the day was finally here.

I had a long day the day before he visited, but I couldn’t sleep. I was just so excited.

Finally, the sun rises and I notice I have a text from him. He was almost here!

I quickly get ready and wait.

And finally he was here.

I see, him smirk, the way, he always smirked at me. And. I die inside.

I’m overwhelmed with joy inside.

We catch up on what’s been going on in our lives, and it is just like old times.

Except it isn’t. I see an empty stare in his eyes.

I know that look. I myself  had that look a hundred times. It is a look of anxiety and worry.

“Is everything okay?” I ask him.

He looks away. “Mhm, just nervous about the conference”. He says.

I understand. He was in Boston for a conference, just like I was a few years ago when I first visited Boston. We all remember how anxious I was!

Anyways, I tell player not to worry. And that I will check in with him from time to time. And I’ll see him later that night.

So we get on with our days. I go to school and player goes to his conference. When we reunite later in the evening, I’m excited to catch up with him more. We go to one of my favorite restaurant’s.

We talk about some memories from college and our favorite musicians. He mentions he no longer likes pop music, except maybe Ariana Grande. I like her too. I ask him what his favorite song by her is. He says it’s “Almost is Never Good Enough” and gives me that smirk he does. And I give it back. Because of course that is his favorite song.

But, something still isn’t right. He hasn’t said anything about me.

Where is our chemistry. Where are our happy memories from knowing each other for 6 years. Where is my “Prince Player”.

I feel sick. My gluten allergy is acting up and interrupts my thoughts.

“If you’re not feeling well we could go…” Prince Player says.

I smile and shake my head. There’s player. Caring and kind.

When we finish our meals, we head back to my place. I lay down next  to him.

“Um. I’m feeling tired” he says.

“Sorry” he says getting up.

“Oh no it’s fine” I say. My heart hurts. It’s like I’m a ghost.

I can’t do this. I need to sleep. I turn off the lights and lay down turning my face.

“Good night!” Player says.

“Good night” I say trying not to reveal my sadness.

In the middle of the night, I feel sick to my stomach. I vomit and feel crummy. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten gluten.

I go back to sleep and wake up early. I feel physically and mentally crummy. I am supposed to workout with my trainer later in the morning, but I cancel it on account of the circumstances.

Player is up and about getting ready for his conference. He no longer looks nervous, but seems to have a cold. Still, he says he will be by in the evening so we can hang out.

I nod and stare at him.

We give each other a kiss. And he heads out.

I should have known, he would not be coming back to see me.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

I Am Woman (Part 5)

Ok don’t panic, just an hour and a half last of health accounting class. I can do this.

Fuck me. Who was I kidding? I made the poor decision of going off of birth control. And now I am sitting in a hot, uncomfortable, graduate school night class. Excessively bleeding. Terrible cramps. Ready to vomit.

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

I have been on these pills for SIX years. These pills helped me be a normal woman. Regular periods, rarely vomit, manageable cramps.

Oh yea. I was thinking, I want to have a kid someday. And I don’t think it’s safe to be on birth control for this long so I might as well “practice” being off the pill.

I am an idiot. 1) I am not having a kid anytime soon. 2) The Kardashians were on birth control pills for a long time and they all had (or are going to have) babies!!!

As soon as class ends, I try to rush home. Not only do I have a 30 minute commute, I have to pick up tampons. The cold 20 degree weather outside does not help. As soon as I get home, I put my hair in a bun. I know what my next 15 minutes will be. VOMIT. Ahhh!!!! I lay on the bathroom floor.

I vow. Never to go off of these pills, unless it is time to have a child.

I get up off the floor. Thank goodness I have no class tomorrow I thought. But how am I going to deal with this pain? I look at the Advil on my counter. “No painkillers” the doctor said.

Ok well. She forgot about my monster cramps. I tell myself I’ll just have two today. And two the next day if needed. That’s it.

I take the Advil and sleep a solid 8 hours. I wake up and something feels very wrong. I lift up my sheets.

a2648563ab471221258516acae390056--hilarious-quotes-so-funnyBLOOD EVERYWHERE. I jump. My poor bed sheets. My poor Victoria’s Secret pajamas. I slept with a tampon AND pad for goodness sake what gives!

Jesus no wonder why I’m anemic.

I shower and then I go to CVS. I buy a box of overnight pads because clearly the other ones are not working. And the cashier is the same woman as the day before!! Lord, she must think I have a serious issue. But, then, the dude cashier who is overly flirtatious comes to ring me up. I give him my pads and look down. Ugh.

I come back home and watch Real Housewives of New Jersey. I drink some soup. That’s what I’ve been having for the past three days :0

I converse with some of my guy friends. I wonder if “Prince Player” or Yassin ever had girlfriends who had monster periods like me. Gasp. Why am I thinking about Yassin’s past girlfriends? Why am I putting Yassin in the same category as “Prince Player”?? It’s because he’s showing all the signs “Prince Player” showed when he was interested in me.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship right now because of that other guy” I told him in reference to my last partner who emotionally abused me.

“I understand” he said.

But that conversion was 6 months ago.

Gasp. It is so like fate to have Yassin move back to Boston just as I am graduating. But I don’t like Yassin in the way. He’s just a great pediatrician who loves children as much as I do.  But I like how he always checks up on me and supports my work around sexual assault.

And what about “Prince Player” jesus.

I close my eyes. I think way too much on my periods.

xoxo. S.

A Letter to Meghan

Today I am writing to our friend Meghan at Hey Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Do you know, that you are my longest regular reader after Paul? Your first comment on my blog was in January of 2014 when you said “Ben and Jerry are the two best people to turn any bad day around! Hope your week gets better ! ❤ another struggle college kid”.

Hahahaha! I was talking about how I was having a stressful day and I had my then favorite Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor to cheer me up (it was called “Scotchy Scotch Scotch” which was a limited edition). I sadly don’t eat Ben and Jerry’s anymore. I’ve been very serious about my gluten-free diet and am trying gluten-free desserts. It’s going pretty well.

When you first appeared on my blog, I loved you because we are so similar. We both have dogs who both have our hearts, we both majored in a Sciences degree in college, and we are both currently working in a lab making people’s lived better!

We have also battled hardships in anxiety and love. I know you talked about these lately on your blog.

You are my only reader who told me my letter can be about anything I want, including me telling you about my day or even making up a story! Well, here’s the thing Meghan. You may have read in my last post that I had a few crappy days lately.

And I’ll tell you why. It’s actually really silly. And personal. But since you and I are similar, I feel you may understand.

So as you may have read in my the post before my last post, ever since my last relationship- I have been really scared to enter a new one. And everyone around me is in a relationship. You see, even my parents who have had troubles in their marriage just celebrated their 30th anniversary on Tuesday. And then, my brother announced that he may possibly be moving to California soon. We asked why. He said it’s because his girlfriend (OF 8 YEARS) got into grad school there and he is thinking about proposing when she is done!!!

“See, your brother has someone. Don’t you want someone?” my mom asked.

Ugh. And that just upset me.

It’s not like I haven’t been trying. I have pushed myself and been on a few dates since that last relationship. But none of them have been that great.

In fact, my last date was with a nice med student from Harvard right. And he actually said something…not so nice to me. I told my mom about it so she can leave me alone.

And you know what she did??? She told my dad!

Meghan, let me tell you about my father. I am my father’s only daughter. If anyone says anything/does anything mean to his daughter, he is upset.

And let me tell you, he was.

I was livid. My mom wasn’t supposed to tell him. That was supposed to be a secret between me and her.

I was wondering why my dad kept asking me “everything okay?” whenever I call him. And this is why.

Sigh. So yes. I don’t even need to get started about all my friends in relationships. Okay not all of them are in relationships, but my close friends are.

And no I’m not saying I’m jealous, I’m saying I hate when they intrude into my life and ask me about my love life.

Listen Meghan, I don’t know if you ever felt this way, but- I’m doing me. For the first time in my life.

I used to be the most successful woman in my family, now I am the most successful in all of my family. I am the only one that will have a Master’s, the only one to go to a top 10 school, the first one to pop on Google when we type our family last name, and the first female to work in politics. In my family.

So…why must I have someone? Yes, it would be nice. But right now, I’m doing great without one.

You’ve wrote about love on your blog, so I thought you would understand 🙂

I know that if you lived close to me, we would probably be the best of friends ❤  I can’t wait to read your posts about baby showers, bachelorettes parties, your dating life, moving updates and the medical marijuana debate!!!

Love,

Shaz

Since I Left

It’s been one year and one week since I left Chicago.

Maybe that’s why Prince Player and I have been talking. When we spoke a week ago, I thought, it was just him checking up on me. But for once, he’s been responding to my funny snapchats and my musings about my coffee addiction. It’s like old times. Like really really old times. Like when we first met old times.

“Did you finish the ticks report?” Jesus. I nearly drop my phone.

It’s Tony. My colleague in the health department. I am using my snack break to chat with player.

“No not yet” I say smiling at my phone.

“Who are you messaging?” he asks.

“The one that got away” I say dramatically.

I tell him a little bit about me and player and how we had to say goodbye when I left for Boston a year ago.

“So aren’t you technically the one that got away?” he asks.

My eyes widen. “NOOOOO. No. No. No. Well yes. But. I’m still here. He’s taken!”

“Ah. Must be rough” Tony says.

I sigh. “He’s happy. Happier than I could have ever made him. And that is all that matters” I say.

“Are you happy?” Tony asks.

Am I? “Yes! Of course I’m happy. I go to a good school and am working my dream job. I have a family who adores me and a roof over my head. I am happy” I say.

“Okay” Tony says shrugging. “We better get going. We have a 3:00 with the couple.”

I nod. In my new job, for one of my projects I’ve been working with teens and college students dealing with anxiety, ADHD, and depression. One client has brought in her boyfriend. She’s upset that he is choosing to move on from her during this time and seeing other people.

“Do you think it’s easy for me? You’re always sad! I don’t like seeing you like this. I ask you how you feel and you just sit there” the boyfriend says.

“Because I have anxiety! Do you know what it’s like? And then you go and do this and it’s not helping one bit!” the girlfriend says.

“But I always check up on you. I may not want to be in a relationship with you right now, but I’m always here. No matter if we’re together or not” he says.

I sigh. This all sounds familiar.

When I apologized to player a few months ago for the role my anxiety and my ADHD played in our relationship, I didn’t mean it. But, since I left Chicago, I have matured a great deal. And I can see things that were invisible before. Such as, although player’s choices were not something I agreed with, it is understandable he felt the way he felt. We ignore the partners of mental health victims a lot.

I close my eyes. Yes, player made me sad sometimes. *Ahem* cue How my last year college turned out to be like my first year of college (Pretty, Part 2). But I know he didn’t mean it. Or at least didn’t mean it in the way I thought he meant it. and most importantly.  with the exception of our freshman year, he always checked up on me after a fight. Always. He could have walked away like all the other guys did. But he didn’t. He always checked up on me. He always believed that I could mature and be tough one day.

Oh my god. I owe player a real apology. I take my phone back out when the couple leaves.

I tell player I have something to say. He responds immediately asking what’s up.

I explain a little bit about my project at work. And how it made me realize how much he was there for me over the past few years even though it probably wasn’t easy for him considering the way I was acting. And that I have matured a great deal since I have left, and that I’m sorry if I let my oversensitivity kick in and made him feel like the bad guy.  I just liked him in my life and I didn’t want to lose him. And that it means the  world to me that we were able to overcome our past and we can still check up on each other. Finally, I thank him for never giving up on me. Thanks to him and my friends who were there for whichever occasion I had a meltdown, I am alive and more successful than I have ever been.

I sigh and press send. He opens it immediately. It’s okay if he doesn’t respond I say to myself. It must be a lot to take in.

But he does respond! And ever so kindly.

He thanks me and says that’s really nice. That it takes a lot of maturity to admit something like that. And that I shouldn’t put it on myself, because we both played a role. He admits that he didn’t handle things maturely and that he just cares a lot about our friendship and he has a bad was of showing that sometimes. Finally, he says thank you for caring about him.

I smile. This is what I always liked about me and player. We just get each other.

We continue talking and on Saturday, he sends me a picture of my old apartment! He says he hasn’t been there in a long time.

Yea no kidding. Since I left.

I asked if it’s giving him memories.

He said yes.

:/

We continue chatting through the weekend and today. Today, I went to Chipotle for dinner and snapped a pic. He sent me a pic of his dinner that he made himself. IT LOOKED GOOD.

“I’ve acquired some skills since you left :)” he says.

I laugh. “It seems like you acquired everything after I left lol” I say.

“Haha that’s true” he says.

Wow. “It’s like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right.”

I sigh. I have cried twice in a Chipotle over a guy. He’s not gonna be number three.

“You only lost one thing when I left” I say.

And he doesn’t respond.

Sigh.

“You may be one thing, but you are a BIG thing” Sidekick reminds me.

Sigh.

Welp. Prince Player and I will just have to be like Dean and Rory.

No, Dean was not a smart boy. Player is really smart.

Player and I will have to be like Jess and Rory.

No, Jess was a really bad boy. Player is not..well never mind he isn’t Jess.

Player and I will have to be like Logan and Rory.

No, Logan was annoying. Player is not.

Why am I even making Gilmore Girls references?

It is very obvious that, we are always gonna be like Alicia Florrick and Will Gardner. Two workaholics. Two very smart, passionate, funny, wine loving people.

tumblr_mxgvngtUQR1r78u25o2_400

tumblr_mxgvngtUQR1r78u25o3_400

 

 

 

 

I also have a mother that’s as quirky as Alicia’s mom 🙂

xoxo. S.