Readers, did you notice something? I have been posting every day since my blogiversary. And I expect to continue doing so until I get a job! Blogging again has made me remember how much many of you want to read my words and how much I love connecting with all of you.
Today, I’d like to share the poem that has been keeping me going these past few months. It is from the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, Harold Bloomfield, and Peter McWilliams. I highly recommend it if you ever lose someone or something important to you.
continued from One of the Only Good Memories I Have From California
So I continued working my really busy job, and spoke to Scientist either early morning before I went to work or over the weekend. It was so romantic. I so badly wanted him to visit. As luck would have it, he had to come by for a business trip just a few days before I moved out of San Francisco! I was so excited. The reason why things didn’t work out between us in Boston was 50% me and 50% him. 50% me because when we first began seeing each other, I felt overwhelmed by him. He was so kind and I just couldn’t believe it after being mistreated by so many guys. By the time I realized he was not “too much” for me and actually “perfect” for me, he was too busy.
Which is why we were both excited to make things right in San Francisco. The day before we met up, I was in a rush. I had to work on a pre-assignment for a job interview I had and I had to pack, but when the next morning came and I was sleep deprived- I just didn’t care. I put on my favorite California dress and my Issac Mizrahi perfume that I know Scientist loves. I hopped on a train and took it to the city. And hour and a half later, I get out at the train station. I look at all the signs and directions on my phone trying to figure out where I am and how to get to Scientist’s place.
What the heck. Who would know me in San Francisco? I turn around.
IT’S SCIENTIST!!! *I want to imagine I throw myself on him* but what happened was more like I quickly put my arms around him and whispered in his ear, “Oh my god…*Scientist*”.
And he puts his arms around me too and gives me a big kiss on my cheek just the way I love it.
“What are you doing? Were you on the same train as me?? I thought you would Uber out here!” I say laughing.
Scientist rolls his luggage “I’m watching out for the environment” he says smiling. I laugh. He is so cute.
“Have you eaten?” he asks as we try to find the place he is staying at.
“Umm no…but I’m not really hungry” I say on account of just being with Scientist makes me feel full.
“Well I’m starving!” Scientist says. We laugh and drop off Scientist’s things. He takes my hand in his and we walk around for a bit and he finds a beautiful restaurant. We order drinks and catch up for a bit.
“So how exactly did your parents find this guy?” Scientist asks.
“Well you know, when I was younger I lived in this ethnic community in Chicago. These communities are populated in different parts of the U.S and each of them has this organizer right. Well the organizer in Chicago knew the organizer in San Francisco. She has been trying to find a girl for this guy for years because his family is sad he’s single and his brother in law fixed her up with a job so she thinks she owes it to them. Well, she originally called the organizer in Chicago to check if this other girl in the community would be a good fit for the boy…and that is where I came in. Because the organizer in Chicago said, *No. That girl is nothing but trouble. Very disrespectful and definitely not a good match for that boy. But hey, I know this other girl Shaz. I’ve known Shaz since she was little. She was known as a writer in our community and is so good to everyone and just got her Master’s blab blah blah* and thus- the rest is history” I tell him.
“Right” he says. I sigh. “And then you guys just didn’t work out huh?” he asks.
“Well. You know, he called me stupid. And I just wasn’t going to stand for that behavior” I say.
He shakes his head and it’s time for us to order food. He orders a delicious fish sandwich and chips. My ex-fiance didn’t like fish, I like that Scientist does. Fish and chips is probably one of my favorite foods on this planet. I order a truffle mac and cheese.
“I thought you weren’t hungry” Scientist teases smiling at me.
Ok well he made me hungry! We talk some more, we laugh some more, and we eat when our food arrives.
When we’re done eating I get my purse to pay. “What are you doing?”Scientist asks taking out his credit card.
“I am getting my credit card!” I say. “No” he says. “I rarely come up to San Francisco. It’s on me” he says putting his credit card down. Now I kiss his cheek.
After paying, we have a nice walk back to his place. I am so happy with him.
When we reach his place he looks at me. He holds my face and kisses me. I kiss back and turn away. He grabs me and I am suddenly on his lap, but facing away from him.
“So. What happened in Boston?” I say smiling at him. He smiles lightly, I can see he is under some lovespell I didn’t mean to put on him!
But he answers. “Oh Shaz. Listen, I was traveling around that time. And I ended up texting you after you left because I felt so bad. I was like I never told Shaz bye”.
Aw. I like that Scientist actually felt bad and thought of me. I go back to him.
“And now we’re here. So let’s pick up where we left off” I say turning back towards him. “I like this dress” he says smiling. Aw, that makes me feel good.
“Me too. It’s very California-y” I say. “It is very California!-y” he confirms. He touches my hair “I like your new highlights” he says. Again I melt. “I notice these things” he says smiling.
I smile even bigger. “I know you do, it’s one of the many things I love about you” I say.
And it’s true. My ex-fiance never complimented my dresses or my new hair. But Scientist did. And that’s why he just felt right for me.
He wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my neck. And I’m happy, that at least one good thing happened in San Francisco.
When it’s time for me to go, I look at him. “So..what now?” I ask.
He sighs. “Well. Let’s figure out where we will both be working next” he says.
I nod. “Usually I’m very clingy. But there are so many things that are uncertain now so, I think that’s a good idea” I say.
We agree and I return home to pack.
We did continue to talk, but not in the same romantic way we were talking before. Gosh, I kind of hope Scientist didn’t find someone new. I mean it’s ok if he did, but he was just right for me. Giving me one good thing to remember about San Francisco 🙂
Ok, so for those of you readers who wanted a funny/normal Shaz/happy story, here you go! I never did update you guys on what happened with the “Scientist”. The new guy I met a few days after Prince Player left me.
For those of you who remember please skip to the next post. For those of you just joining us, I am so sorry! Here is what you missed: I had a college lover we like to call “Prince Player”. Half of this blog used to be about him. When I graduated college, I decided to go to graduate school- in a different state. So we began seeing other people. But we always did like each other in a way, so when we were both single a few months before graduate school ended- I visited him in Chicago where we went to college, and he visited me once in Boston where I was going to graduate school. Long story short, when he visited me in Boston, it was clear he didn’t have the same feelings I did and it was time for me to meet someone new. A few days later was when I met “Scientist”. Scientist made me happy. He was classy, smart, and loved my sense of humor. Oh and he runs a blog too! Anyways, both Scientist and I got super busy towards graduation time and we ended up…losing touch. Scientist stayed in Boston, and I moved back to Texas to live with my family because I didn’t have a job yet. And obviously, when I moved back to Texas is when my parents tried to arrange my marriage. The day before I met my future ex-fiance is the day Scientist decided to text me and apologize for not getting together before I left. Oh my lord. I quickly said it’s fine and put my focus on my ex-fiance, it didn’t seem like Scientist was really trying to re-enter my life anyway.
Except we did keep talking occasionally. And Scientist suggested he could visit… And by then, my ex-fiance and I were in a very committed relationship. I told Scientist. Scientist was very mature and wished us the best. I continued my romance with my then fiance and moved out to this hometown. And obviously that is when things fell apart. A few days later when Scientist commented on one of my social media platforms- I updated him on my new single status.
“Oh no baby, what happened?” he messaged back.
And that is where it all began again!
DON’T MISS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! One of the Only Good Memories I Have From California (Part 2)
A month ago, my life was great. I had two companies fighting for me, a guy that I had been deeply missing visiting me, and a set of plans as to what to do after graduation.
I don’t really have anything now.
I was sitting in a review session yesterday, excited out of my mind to take my last EVER final. And I got this email I didn’t expect. “While we were impressed with your background, we decided to go in a different direction…”
My eyes widened. That was the company I had a FOURTH interview with. I had banked on working for them, staying in Boston forever. My. dream. job.
My eyes well up in the classroom. I swallow. I text my dad the email.
And he makes me smile.
“Don’t worry too much about this. Your grandfather once told me this quote. *When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us*.
He was right. There is a company who has shown interest in me that I have been ignoring and I think I will give them a shot.
I also started to think about my love dilemma.
It was applicable there too. I focused too much on my “closed door” (Prince Player) that I failed to see the open door (Scientist). And I don’t think I can ever get Scientist back.
But as my dad said after we talked for a bit, “You learned. And that’s what’s important”.
Have you ever been in uncertainty? How did you cope?
I have been in uncertainty for about a month now. April and May was supposed to be fun. Two months of festivities due to graduation and my hard work.
Unfortunately, it has been nothing but uncertainty.
The day I saw “Prince Player” last, I went to the gym to release my anxiety. I go faster and faster and faster on the treadmill as my mind becomes flooded with confusion.
I was his “lovebug”.
For six years, we witnessed each other’s ups and downs.
We always believed in each other.
I see a hand on the tredmill.
It’s my friend Gigi.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP! YOU ARE GOING WAY TOO FAST!” she says.
I stop and gasp for air.
“I need to go home” I tell her. I go home and stare at the ceiling. I wonder how player and I ended up here (as mentioned in the last post).
The next day, when I seek player’s attention and realize isn’t coming back, I go out. And the very unexpected happens. I re-connect with a graduate student (let’s call him *Scientist* because that is what he does for a living) I met a while ago.
I’m angry, sad, and hurt over “Prince Player”. But Scientist and I hit it off. We schedule a date for the week and I am nervous.
Much to my surprise, I actually enjoy my time with him. For a mechanical engineering PHD student, he certainly has a lot of charm. I ask him when his birthday is. He mentions a date in October.
“Oh you’re a Libra! Phew” I say.
“Nope. Scorpio” he says.
My eyes widen. “OH MY GOD. NO!” I say.
We both laugh.
“I can’t” I say on account of Prince Player being a Scorpio.
“Hey, I’m one of the good kind!” Scientist says.
I smirk. “I hope so.”
He walks me home. He has heard all about the Prince Player story.
“After that happened. I bought a 6 pack of Insomnia cookies” I said embarrassed.
“Oh my god. I bought one of those this past weekend too!” he says. And I laugh no longer feeling embarrassed.
We talk some more. I talk about how nervous I am, dating again. “Hey, I am on a mission to prove to you I am a good Scorpio” he says. I laugh “Okayyyy”.
When we reach my place, he kisses my cheek. “This was so much fun! We definitely have to do this again”. I smile.
I lay on my bed once I reach my apartment. It’s strange because, I felt sad. Scientist could never replace Prince Player.
And it was even more strange because, although I didn’t feel any romantic feelings for Scientist- I had this strange happy feeling inside of me. One that I haven’t felt in a long time.
The next morning I woke up for my early morning class, I was happy and full of energy. I wasn’t tired and irritable as I usually was.
I should have noticed the signs that I actually liked Scientist. But I just thought I was happy from having a nice night out instead of being in my room moping.
Which is why when he asks me out again a few days later, I didn’t say no.
And then he kissed me.
And that’s when I had to let it go.
“I’m too overwhelmed right now, I need space” I say.
“I feel that” he says.
When he leaves I feel terrible.
The next morning I wake up. And feel even more terrible. Because Scientist has shown nothing but love to me and I pushed him away because he was nothing like Prince Player.
I tell Scientist we should talk. He agrees and we set up another date.
This date goes very well in terms of I have gotten over the “Prince Player” situation and can fully focus on the Scientist. Finally Scientist and I are on the same page, both of us like each other and admit we enjoy our time together.
And then he says he has to tell me something. I laugh, unafraid, because I have so much experience with Prince Player telling me things I didn’t want to hear. Surely whatever Scientist had to say wouldn’t be that bad.
“I have dated two girls from your Masters program.”
My jaw drops.
And then he says their names. Fuck. I know both of them.
I. can’t. do. this. I mumble about how uncomfortable this makes me.
“Look. I get that you see them all the time, and it could be awkward, but you are graduating in a month” Scientist says trying to comfort me.
Yea… true. But what he doesn’t know is this is like the Prince Player situation from 5 years ago. Except Prince Player didn’t tell me. And Scientist dated these girls in the past, not when he was seeing me.
“Do you need space?” Scientist asks.
“No. no. no. Just- no” I say on account of I asked for space last time and I regretted it.
“No more dating girls from my program, ok?” I say.
He smiles. “Noted” he says.
We talk it out some more and he leaves. I shake my head. Why does things like this always happen to me? I see both of the girls at an event the next day. I smile politely and speak like a lady like I don’t know their history.
But I eventually get over it. Scientist seems to be a nice guy, and the past is the past. Right?
Except. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Because. He hasn’t asked me out since then.
And I still haven’t heard from “Prince Player”.
In job hunting…
I reached the third round of interview for my favorite company. I was so sure they wanted to hire me and I would have an offer by now, all set by graduation. But I haven’t heard a thing- and instead of staying in Boston, I am returning home to Texas.
Two years ago I was complaining I had too many offers and couldn’t decide. I would kill to be in that position right now. Having too many offers is better than having zero.
Tonight I close my eyes again and just wonder how I got here. A bright girl with big hopes and dreams, but now broken and unsure what to do. My gut says if I be patient, the answers will come to me in time for graduation. But that’s just my gut.
*Written a few weeks ago, continued from Almost is Never Enough
I close my eyes and think about how player and I got here.
I think about my freshman year of college, I was always- waiting. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school, and I just couldn’t do to the very difficult major I was pursuing. Being with player and other friends was my only source of happiness during that time.
But, player wasn’t always around. He would say he would visit, and I would wait and wait and finally text him to check on our plans, only to have him cancel.
This is what happened in Boston too.
I stare at the ceiling as I wait for him. My eyes wet from tears. I ask God to give me a sign that there is still something left of me and player.
But instead, I got a sign that there definitely wasn’t. I cry and cry and cry. I waited two years for this moment.
Yes, player was sick. But. It would have been nice to grab a coffee with him before he left.
When his weekend here concludes, I wonder if he made it back to Chicago okay.
I don’t even get that information.
I close my eyes and think of our happy moments amongst the bad.
There was that time I thought I failed Microbiology and I thought I would have to re-take it for the third time. He held me and said “it’s okay”. And only a few weeks later, I found out I got into graduate school and he said “see babe, I told you everything will be okay!”
There were those times he walked me home. I felt so safe.
There were those times he would randomly text “Hi” and I would wonder what was up and he would say, “I miss you <3”
I sigh. I look at the wine he gave me as a gift. I pour myself a glass. And then another one.
I lay back in bed and close my eyes.
What the hell was I doing?
I am Shaz.
I am strong.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am a month away from graduating from a top 10 graduate school. I won’t let my broken heart get to me like it did 5 years ago.
I always waited for the day “Prince Player” and I would reunite. Like actually reunite. I loved seeing him in the bakery when I went to visit Chicago a few months ago, but the time was not enough. And I felt my heart feel empty.
Which is why I was excited when I found out he was coming to Boston. This was it. Finally, after two long years, I could hold one of my favorite people again.
“You guys are like a Nicholas Sparks movie” my mother once said about us. Meh. Not really.
Anyways, the week leading up to his visit was crazy. I had an event every day and assignments due. But still, I got my hair done, I got my nails done, I got ready! I couldn’t believe the day was finally here.
I had a long day the day before he visited, but I couldn’t sleep. I was just so excited.
Finally, the sun rises and I notice I have a text from him. He was almost here!
I quickly get ready and wait.
And finally he was here.
I see, him smirk, the way, he always smirked at me. And. I die inside.
I’m overwhelmed with joy inside.
We catch up on what’s been going on in our lives, and it is just like old times.
Except it isn’t. I see an empty stare in his eyes.
I know that look. I myself had that look a hundred times. It is a look of anxiety and worry.
“Is everything okay?” I ask him.
He looks away. “Mhm, just nervous about the conference”. He says.
I understand. He was in Boston for a conference, just like I was a few years ago when I first visited Boston. We all remember how anxious I was!
Anyways, I tell player not to worry. And that I will check in with him from time to time. And I’ll see him later that night.
So we get on with our days. I go to school and player goes to his conference. When we reunite later in the evening, I’m excited to catch up with him more. We go to one of my favorite restaurant’s.
We talk about some memories from college and our favorite musicians. He mentions he no longer likes pop music, except maybe Ariana Grande. I like her too. I ask him what his favorite song by her is. He says it’s “Almost is Never Good Enough” and gives me that smirk he does. And I give it back. Because of course that is his favorite song.
But, something still isn’t right. He hasn’t said anything about me.
Where is our chemistry. Where are our happy memories from knowing each other for 6 years. Where is my “Prince Player”.
I feel sick. My gluten allergy is acting up and interrupts my thoughts.
“If you’re not feeling well we could go…” Prince Player says.
I smile and shake my head. There’s player. Caring and kind.
When we finish our meals, we head back to my place. I lay down next to him.
“Um. I’m feeling tired” he says.
“Sorry” he says getting up.
“Oh no it’s fine” I say. My heart hurts. It’s like I’m a ghost.
I can’t do this. I need to sleep. I turn off the lights and lay down turning my face.
“Good night!” Player says.
“Good night” I say trying not to reveal my sadness.
In the middle of the night, I feel sick to my stomach. I vomit and feel crummy. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten gluten.
I go back to sleep and wake up early. I feel physically and mentally crummy. I am supposed to workout with my trainer later in the morning, but I cancel it on account of the circumstances.
Player is up and about getting ready for his conference. He no longer looks nervous, but seems to have a cold. Still, he says he will be by in the evening so we can hang out.
I nod and stare at him.
We give each other a kiss. And he heads out.
I should have known, he would not be coming back to see me.
(to be continued)