A Letter to Meghan

Today I am writing to our friend Meghan at Hey Meghan

Dear Meghan,

Do you know, that you are my longest regular reader after Paul? Your first comment on my blog was in January of 2014 when you said “Ben and Jerry are the two best people to turn any bad day around! Hope your week gets better ! ❤ another struggle college kid”.

Hahahaha! I was talking about how I was having a stressful day and I had my then favorite Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor to cheer me up (it was called “Scotchy Scotch Scotch” which was a limited edition). I sadly don’t eat Ben and Jerry’s anymore. I’ve been very serious about my gluten-free diet and am trying gluten-free desserts. It’s going pretty well.

When you first appeared on my blog, I loved you because we are so similar. We both have dogs who both have our hearts, we both majored in a Sciences degree in college, and we are both currently working in a lab making people’s lived better!

We have also battled hardships in anxiety and love. I know you talked about these lately on your blog.

You are my only reader who told me my letter can be about anything I want, including me telling you about my day or even making up a story! Well, here’s the thing Meghan. You may have read in my last post that I had a few crappy days lately.

And I’ll tell you why. It’s actually really silly. And personal. But since you and I are similar, I feel you may understand.

So as you may have read in my the post before my last post, ever since my last relationship- I have been really scared to enter a new one. And everyone around me is in a relationship. You see, even my parents who have had troubles in their marriage just celebrated their 30th anniversary on Tuesday. And then, my brother announced that he may possibly be moving to California soon. We asked why. He said it’s because his girlfriend (OF 8 YEARS) got into grad school there and he is thinking about proposing when she is done!!!

“See, your brother has someone. Don’t you want someone?” my mom asked.

Ugh. And that just upset me.

It’s not like I haven’t been trying. I have pushed myself and been on a few dates since that last relationship. But none of them have been that great.

In fact, my last date was with a nice med student from Harvard right. And he actually said something…not so nice to me. I told my mom about it so she can leave me alone.

And you know what she did??? She told my dad!

Meghan, let me tell you about my father. I am my father’s only daughter. If anyone says anything/does anything mean to his daughter, he is upset.

And let me tell you, he was.

I was livid. My mom wasn’t supposed to tell him. That was supposed to be a secret between me and her.

I was wondering why my dad kept asking me “everything okay?” whenever I call him. And this is why.

Sigh. So yes. I don’t even need to get started about all my friends in relationships. Okay not all of them are in relationships, but my close friends are.

And no I’m not saying I’m jealous, I’m saying I hate when they intrude into my life and ask me about my love life.

Listen Meghan, I don’t know if you ever felt this way, but- I’m doing me. For the first time in my life.

I used to be the most successful woman in my family, now I am the most successful in all of my family. I am the only one that will have a Master’s, the only one to go to a top 10 school, the first one to pop on Google when we type our family last name, and the first female to work in politics. In my family.

So…why must I have someone? Yes, it would be nice. But right now, I’m doing great without one.

You’ve wrote about love on your blog, so I thought you would understand 🙂

I know that if you lived close to me, we would probably be the best of friends ❤  I can’t wait to read your posts about baby showers, bachelorettes parties, your dating life, moving updates and the medical marijuana debate!!!




Since I Left

It’s been one year and one week since I left Chicago.

Maybe that’s why Prince Player and I have been talking. When we spoke a week ago, I thought, it was just him checking up on me. But for once, he’s been responding to my funny snapchats and my musings about my coffee addiction. It’s like old times. Like really really old times. Like when we first met old times.

“Did you finish the ticks report?” Jesus. I nearly drop my phone.

It’s Tony. My colleague in the health department. I am using my snack break to chat with player.

“No not yet” I say smiling at my phone.

“Who are you messaging?” he asks.

“The one that got away” I say dramatically.

I tell him a little bit about me and player and how we had to say goodbye when I left for Boston a year ago.

“So aren’t you technically the one that got away?” he asks.

My eyes widen. “NOOOOO. No. No. No. Well yes. But. I’m still here. He’s taken!”

“Ah. Must be rough” Tony says.

I sigh. “He’s happy. Happier than I could have ever made him. And that is all that matters” I say.

“Are you happy?” Tony asks.

Am I? “Yes! Of course I’m happy. I go to a good school and am working my dream job. I have a family who adores me and a roof over my head. I am happy” I say.

“Okay” Tony says shrugging. “We better get going. We have a 3:00 with the couple.”

I nod. In my new job, for one of my projects I’ve been working with teens and college students dealing with anxiety, ADHD, and depression. One client has brought in her boyfriend. She’s upset that he is choosing to move on from her during this time and seeing other people.

“Do you think it’s easy for me? You’re always sad! I don’t like seeing you like this. I ask you how you feel and you just sit there” the boyfriend says.

“Because I have anxiety! Do you know what it’s like? And then you go and do this and it’s not helping one bit!” the girlfriend says.

“But I always check up on you. I may not want to be in a relationship with you right now, but I’m always here. No matter if we’re together or not” he says.

I sigh. This all sounds familiar.

When I apologized to player a few months ago for the role my anxiety and my ADHD played in our relationship, I didn’t mean it. But, since I left Chicago, I have matured a great deal. And I can see things that were invisible before. Such as, although player’s choices were not something I agreed with, it is understandable he felt the way he felt. We ignore the partners of mental health victims a lot.

I close my eyes. Yes, player made me sad sometimes. *Ahem* cue How my last year college turned out to be like my first year of college (Pretty, Part 2). But I know he didn’t mean it. Or at least didn’t mean it in the way I thought he meant it. and most importantly.  with the exception of our freshman year, he always checked up on me after a fight. Always. He could have walked away like all the other guys did. But he didn’t. He always checked up on me. He always believed that I could mature and be tough one day.

Oh my god. I owe player a real apology. I take my phone back out when the couple leaves.

I tell player I have something to say. He responds immediately asking what’s up.

I explain a little bit about my project at work. And how it made me realize how much he was there for me over the past few years even though it probably wasn’t easy for him considering the way I was acting. And that I have matured a great deal since I have left, and that I’m sorry if I let my oversensitivity kick in and made him feel like the bad guy.  I just liked him in my life and I didn’t want to lose him. And that it means the  world to me that we were able to overcome our past and we can still check up on each other. Finally, I thank him for never giving up on me. Thanks to him and my friends who were there for whichever occasion I had a meltdown, I am alive and more successful than I have ever been.

I sigh and press send. He opens it immediately. It’s okay if he doesn’t respond I say to myself. It must be a lot to take in.

But he does respond! And ever so kindly.

He thanks me and says that’s really nice. That it takes a lot of maturity to admit something like that. And that I shouldn’t put it on myself, because we both played a role. He admits that he didn’t handle things maturely and that he just cares a lot about our friendship and he has a bad was of showing that sometimes. Finally, he says thank you for caring about him.

I smile. This is what I always liked about me and player. We just get each other.

We continue talking and on Saturday, he sends me a picture of my old apartment! He says he hasn’t been there in a long time.

Yea no kidding. Since I left.

I asked if it’s giving him memories.

He said yes.


We continue chatting through the weekend and today. Today, I went to Chipotle for dinner and snapped a pic. He sent me a pic of his dinner that he made himself. IT LOOKED GOOD.

“I’ve acquired some skills since you left :)” he says.

I laugh. “It seems like you acquired everything after I left lol” I say.

“Haha that’s true” he says.

Wow. “It’s like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right.”

I sigh. I have cried twice in a Chipotle over a guy. He’s not gonna be number three.

“You only lost one thing when I left” I say.

And he doesn’t respond.


“You may be one thing, but you are a BIG thing” Sidekick reminds me.


Welp. Prince Player and I will just have to be like Dean and Rory.

No, Dean was not a smart boy. Player is really smart.

Player and I will have to be like Jess and Rory.

No, Jess was a really bad boy. Player is not..well never mind he isn’t Jess.

Player and I will have to be like Logan and Rory.

No, Logan was annoying. Player is not.

Why am I even making Gilmore Girls references?

It is very obvious that, we are always gonna be like Alicia Florrick and Will Gardner. Two workaholics. Two very smart, passionate, funny, wine loving people.







I also have a mother that’s as quirky as Alicia’s mom 🙂

xoxo. S.


I Am Woman

Although every week of grad school is hard, this one proved to be a challenge.

Thank you, Aunt Flo.

I knew my period would happen during a busy week. I knew the worst of cramps would happen on my most important day, Thursday. A.k.a presentation day.

I felt it about to begin on Tuesday night. My dad and I were just having a debate. I argued that women get paid less, he argued that this is because guys do not get “maternity leave” or “monthly things”. I rolled my eyes and told him these are things we as women cannot control! “Yes, you can. You can control pregnancy!” he said. I laughed. We debated for a solid hour, and my dad said, “Look. These are thing I noticed as global head. I hope you, are productive in your workplace regardless of life events, and get the pay you deserve”.

And just then, I felt a cramp. I immediately texted my research partner about looking over our work and making the necessary adjustments in our section so I can submit it (before my period  gets me unconscious). He never responds.

IMG_6103Wednesday, I arrive a few minutes late to my morning class because I spend some time making coffee. Having a period and B-12 deficiency is the worst, it’s like close to being dead. Thankfully, the class is really interactive and I stay awake. The whether has gotten really nice and everyone is wearing cute outfits. I look at mine. It is for cold weather, I don’t have any warm weather clothing that is professional. During my commute home, I order some clothes and shoes. I have 2 hours to rest before I have to go to night class. This class dragged on and on. But finally, it ended. When I get home, it’s time to prepare for my presentation and my cramps get really bad. I practice as much as I can and I allow myself to go to sleep at 2.

When I wake up the next morning at 8, I am cramping so bad. I breathe. It is presentation day- 10% of my grade, I can’t miss! I can’t wear the suit I planned to because it pinches everywhere I ache. I wear one of my dresses. Very professional and cute. I look in the mirror and wonder how I will make it through 2 meetings, 1 presentation, and  a 3 hour class.

But somehow, I make it to my morning. It is a brief 1 minute, great. I have time to relax before my presentation begins. I tell myself I am crampy, tired, and sick and that it’s okay not to be a perfectionist today, that if I just make it through and do my best- I will be happy with myself.

It’s presentation time and I do pretty good. When I sit down, my two friends compliment me. “Oh, you pronounced a word wrong and I almost died” my friend Jeanette says.

“Oh my god. Uninhabitable?” I asked. I knew. I practiced all night.

She nods. I was so close to passing out I didn’t even notice I slipped up.

“Fuck” I say.

But I keep my promise. I let it go. I can’t be a perfectionist every single day. Especially on a day like this. I am proud I showed up and gave my best work.

The class is interesting. We talk about refugees, my favorite topic. But I have these horrible cramps that come and go. “Are you sure you don’t want to go home?” my other friend Gigi asks. I nod. “I have my planning meeting after class” I say. “Yea but you’re sick…” she says.

I sigh. “I’ll be fine. I don’t have class tomorrow so I’ll pass out when I get home”.

Class finally ends after what seems like an eternity. I meet with my group. One girl is very annoying and out of the loop because she never comes to our meetings, another girl rarely acknowledges me by name. But. It ends in a quick 25 minutes and I am happy about that.

Outside, there are therapy dogs. One looks exactly like my dog and rest his nose on my lap. I could cry. Hormones and dogs my god ❤

I get on the bus to commute home and stop at CVS. I pick up tampons, Almond Joy, and ice cream.

I pass out as soon as I reach home and wake up at 9:00 in the evening. Wow. I really need my B-12 medicine. I send an e-mail to my doctor about the B-12 mess up the company she sent my prescription to caused and how I haven’t had a supply in 3 weeks and feel like I’m going to die.

Right about now I start missing everybody. Especially “K”, “Heart”, and “Prince Player”.IMG_6109

I grab a mini white chocolate Magnum ice cream and call “Mr. Photography dude”.

“Oh hey stranger” he says picking up.

“I’m sorry” I say.

“How have you been?” he asks. “Alright. Not good now though” I say.

“Why?” he asks.

“Cramps” I say.

“Ouch. Which guy are you missing the most right now?” he asks. I laugh hard. He knows me so well.

“All of them” I say. “You don’t need them” he says.

“K used to take me out for steak and cheesecake when I had cramps!” I say.

“Really? We live in the 21st century. You could order those stuff in if you wanted!” he says.

“Yea but. I liked being spoiled” I say.

He laughs. “Of course you do”.

We discuss some updates and he tells me to feel better.

I begin working on my Law paper due on Saturday.

On Friday, my second day of cramps, my research partner has FINALLY decided to respond. He is very apologetic. I look through our document, absolutely nothing has changed. He has made no corrections/additions. I fix all the errors. “Sorry. I didn’t know what you meant” he says in response. I roll my eyes. At least he likes the corrections and I can submit it.

Today I work on my Law paper as it is due. I keep falling asleep due to my obnoxious health issues. I have received a response from my doctor who says she spoke with IMG_6114the company and is having them ship me my medication as soon as possible and how she is also upset the company did not address this issue sooner. I sigh. I am so exhausted.

Finally, I am done with my paper and submit it. Or at least I thought I did. I never got a receipt, and the dropbox closed. Oh no. I email it to my professor, who clearly said she will not be accepting emailed papers.

I close my eyes. I am woman. And this, is not easy.

xoxo. S.

Filter credit goes to Snapchat.

My 23rd birthday, finals, and then some

For as long as I have been alive, I rarely had school on my birthday. And never have I ever had a final on my birthday. Falling only a few days before Christmas, it was never a possibility. Well. Until now. Hooray grad school!

On my 23rd birthday I had my hardest final. Epidemiology and Biostatistics. And the day after that, I had my second hardest…Law :0

At least thinks between me and “K” were good. Since our last fiasco, “K” really improved. He began texting everyday, even if it was just to say “Good morning beautiful”. I would wake up happy. So I was able to concentrate on everything again.

I spent all weekend reviewing for the finals. And then, Monday came. It didn’t even feel like a birthday.

Bright and early in the morning, I got a lovely text. From “K” ❤

“Happy birthday beautiful. Kill that exam. You’re so special I could write a whole paragraph. But why do that when I can say it all to you? Reservations tomorrow at (insert one of the best restaurant in Boston!) 9:00. I’ll pick you up. See you then.”

I smile and get out of bed. Other friends begin to text nice wishes. I get dressed and run to Starbucks. While at Starbucks, it’s “Prince Player’s” turn. He says happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here to celebrate with me. Aw.

My classmates wish me as well. One of them even texted “For your birthday I got you cold weather and one of the toughest finals! No take-backs”. Oh I loved the sympathy ❤

I grab my coffee and turn my phone off. It was time to use the last two hours I had before the exam to study! When it’s time to head out, I do a quick prayer and make it a wish to pass this class.

An hour later, I begin the exam- and I know shit. Absolutely nada. Oh. My. God. Whatever I studied, was definitely not on there! Oh no. I tried my best and after 3 hours, I was done.

So I commute back home and grab Qdoba and a chocolate cake. Hey, “K” was taking me out the next day anyway so I could celebrate for reals then. I quickly eat and begin to study for my next exam. Law. My second hardest. I study and study and around midnight I decide it’s time to call it a day.

When I arrive at the testing center, I continue to go through my flashcards. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But I go in, and holy moly. I KNOW EVERYTHING! I finished it in one hour!

Phew. At least that made me feel better. And at last, it was finally time to celebrate my birthday!

First, I decide to take a quick nap since the exam was so early in the morning. Then I shower and do my nails. “K” tells me he’s on his way. Good. I put on my dress and heels. An hour later, he arrives.

He smiles at me. “Happy birthday, you look beautiful”.

“Thanks” I say holding his hands in mine.

In the car he plays a beautiful song. I look at him and smile.

It’s “Happy Birthday” by Kygo and John Legend.

“Beautiful, beautiful, no other name
I knew from the moment you came
I’ve seen in your eyes the dawn of a day
Where nothing will ever be the same”

“Ooh, I wanna dance with you
Ooh, I’ll promise to stand for you
I’ll do anything for you
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Tonight, my love all I want
I wanna sing for you
Yeah, I’ll sing for you
Happy birthday, baby
Happy birthday to you”

We have always bonded over music. And he always chooses the right song. I lean back into my seat and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. My first birthday where I’m not single.

We arrive at the restaurant and it is very fancy. There are ceiling to floor glass windows with a view of the skyline, and the hostess knows exactly where to take us when “K” says his name.

Oooo. Wow.

We sit down and “K” orders us the wine we had on our first date. He lets me order filet minion and it is delicious.

15894868_971331169669386_1582989894823656681_nI love it. And I like him so much. But my stomach churns. I start thinking a million thoughts. I’m sad to leave him for a month. I’m going to get a lot of crap about this from my Mom when I go home. And why am I thinking about “Prince Player”? I wish I was sitting in a restaurant like this with “Prince Player”. My eyes widen when I realize I just though that.

“You okay?” “K” asks.

I snap out of it. I hold his hand, “Yea this view is just amazing baby.”

He nods. And we are ready for the check. I peak at it. Holy moly. It’s over a $100!! Jesus. This one must really like me.

We head out and reach my place. Everything is great and lovely, and after an hour, “K” has to leave. When “K” clearly told me that on my birthday, he would stay with me for a while.

It must have been something I did or said.

“What’s your deal?” I ask.

“What’s your deal?” he asks.

I go over to him.

He says something that I don’t like him mentioning. I look down. Of course. That’s why he’s leaving so soon. He’s upset.

But he hugs me. And says bye.

I’m so confused.

No wonder why I never had a boyfriend during my birthday, I didn’t want them to ruin it!!

How can we leave each other like this? Winter break was going to be weird.

But at last, after a week and a half of ignoring each other. I finally spoke to him. And we had another disagreement. Although, we told each other we would take some time to ourselves to think about our relationship and hopefully reconcile when we see each other in person again, we continued texting each other and things have been better.

Which is good because things were about to get really ugly.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

On Fire

On Monday, I get two exciting news. One is that my presentation I was nervous about? I got an A+ and….the Professor loved it so much she wants to share it with the Dean and possibly  all of the university!!!! “K” tells me he is proud of me and I deserve it. And that I shouldn’t have been nervous at all. As if things could not get any better, I find out that I won a speech writing contest in our program and was asked to make the KEYNOTE :0 This past Friday. Holy moly, I was on fire.

And then Wednesday comes. I am running errands all over the place, handling multiple things at once when I…drop my iPhone (MISERY 1). I hold in my breath and pick it up. Fuck. It is broken. I have dropped my phone like 100 times, it never broke, till now. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I try using it, it works but the shattered glass cuts my finger. Okay that’s not safe. I use my iPad and text “K” and my parents. “K” laughs and says I should take it to Apple. He is an app developer and thinks he knows everything about iPhones (he kind of does for the most part). But from my experience, all Apple does is make me broke. So I research some repair shops. And I find one. I make an appointment for Thursday.

So much for being on fire!

xoxo. S.


I must say the past week has been crazy stressful with an exam everyday, paper due every other day, and a presentation.

brisgeAnd my heartbreak over “Y” doesn’t really make things better. I will never understand why he abruptly stopped talking to me after one of the most amazing night’s ever. Oh well. His loss.

Other guys tried to come into my life, but they were all nothing compared to him. They weren’t respectful or caring like “Y” was. I message “Prince Player” for advice. We talked earlier in the day, but I needed to hear from him again.

I tell him a little bit about the situation.

“Don’t spend any time on them” he says.

I could die. People used to tell me the same thing about him!

And then he says, “I’ve changed a lot. I think it would be different if you were still here”.

I’m puzzled. “What would you do differently?” I ask.

“I would take you out on actual dates instead of that booty call thing we always did” he says.

My jaw drops.

I waited 4 years. 4. Y.E.A.R.S. For him to say that.

My heart beats fast. Why. Why now? When I’m gone?

How many times I gave a performance that got a standing ovation, and he wasn’t there to see my show. How many times I had to go to a ball, and he couldn’t be my date. How many times I wanted to discuss something serious with him, but I couldn’t. How many times he took pictures with other girls and posted it on social media, but not with me.How many times I wanted to wear a cute outfit and go out with him.

How many times I wanted to be that girl, but I wasn’t. Because we didn’t have that kind of relationship.

I swallow. Unbelievable.

Since we’re on the topic, I ask him about something that’s been bothering me.

“Do you still think I’m a princess?” I ask.

“No. I don’t think I ever did” he says.

“Then why did you call me that?” I ask.

“I guess I always just felt like I was walking on eggshells with you”.

I stare at my phone.

Eggshells. Eggshells.

My motivational talk about my ADHD I’m known for giving is called “Walking on Eggshells”.


What the fuck does “Prince Player” mean by it? I ask him.

“Part of me was waiting for the day you would say ‘Look. I think I expected things that you didn’t’. And you showed that to me in various ways, but you didn’t say it”.

I swallow. I tell myself to be calm.

He is partially right. He is actually 95% right about it.

I tell him today will be the day I say it. And I do.

“Okay. I’ll say it today. Look. I think I expected things that you didn’t. I was raised on one value and one value only. Loyalty. I believe in it, and it doesn’t seem like you do and that’s totally fine. I shouldn’t be upset about it. It’s your life, and you should do what makes you happy. My version of happiness is different than your version of happiness. What makes you happy, is not what makes me happy. And I should have known better” I say.

It really was unreasonable for me to get as depressed as I did over his deciding to be with other women. It is his right and his choice to do so.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me <3” he responds.

I tell him he should have just told me that instead of calling me “princess”. As that comment really hurt me.

He says he doesn’t know why he did that and I laugh over how upset I was over it to find out he really didn’t mean it.

But then I stop realizing when I realize he still doesn’t know my side of the story. So I tell him.

“But look. This isn’t one sided. I’m not upset about what you did, I’m upset I had to find out from my enemies than from someone I love dearly!”I explain.

And I end it with “So that was me walking on eggshells with you”.

He thinks he had to walk on eggshells? Please.

I think about my friends showing me tweets “Prince Player” made to other girls or pictures tumblr_ltceiuxjpz1r0z3hjo1_500he posted with them.

I think about all our mutual friends saying bad things about him, but I would sit there and defend him and stay loyal to him.

Only to find out, what I found out.

For the love of god he can hook up with as many women he wants to. But having to hear that from those girls themselves or my enemies? I think I deserve better than that.

He just won’t get it. Well, maybe he does. Because after that, he’s always been very open with me. As I was with him. But still.

As I want to finally go out on that date with him, I’m glad I left.

Because part of me believes. Things would still be the same. And not much would be different.

Yet. I tell him he should come visit Boston one day.

He may not have been a great friend, but he was a good lover. He did make efforts to change throughout our relationship or whatever it is we had. And I miss him.

When we’re finished talking, I look down at my dress and heels.

A tear drop runs down my face.

Oh no. What “Prince Player” said was a good thing. Why am I crying?? I have a party to get to!

I get a call from Mr. Photography dude.

“Yasmeen says the board got denied funding. Use your connections and help them!”

I can’t even think. “Not now. Tell her I’ll call her later”.

“Shahz. What’s wrong?” he asks.

I begin taking off my heels. I lay in my bed. “Nothing”.

“Didn’t you have a party to go tonight?”

I lay on my pillow. “Yea but I’m not going” I say.

“Which guy did you talk to?” he asks.

I begin laughing. “What?”

“Every time you don’t want to go out it’s because of a guy!” he says.

“Player” I say.

“Go figure” he says.

“It was good. It wasn’t bad” I say.

“Then why do you sound sad?” he asks.

I stare at the ceiling. “I’m just thinking about what could have been” I say.

“Well stop. Because it wouldn’t have been!” he says.

“How do you know?” I ask laughing.

“Fate. You wrote about it on your blog remember?”

Oh yea. “How about what could be?”

“If it’s meant to be it will be. Speaking of which. Go to that party. You may meet some cute boys!”

I roll my eyes and put my heels back on.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

A Note to All the Current Men In My Life

  1. “Y”- How dare you? I have a “Dear Diary” kind of night with you. We have just about everything in common. We balance out each others negative qualities. You tell me about all these things you can’t wait to do with me. And you…leave me. After you made the plans… YOU. With no excuse. Not even a text. Oh. It’s your loss sweet pea. A girl like me won’t stay solo for long.
  2. “The Cellist”- I’m glad you’re back in my life. It’s only been what, 2 weeks? Yea. So I may have overreacted about what happened on our second date. I missed you every fucking day my shuttle went past your school and I saw all those cello players. I couldn’t listen to a single song because all of them had cellos in them.So yea we both said some things we regret. And now. We’re going to try again. But I need to be sure you’re not into me just because of my looks. So. There’s that.
  3. “Prince Player”- For once, I just love you. Thank you for being there for me thesefullsizerender3 past few weeks. Responding to my “how I survive grad school” Snapchats. And telling me about all the stuff you miss about me. And admitting your wrongs. And being there for me on crappy Saturday nights where my latest prince won’t show up on my doorstep :/ I think about you during those times. I’ll be looking at my Skyline remembering how you and I used to stare at the one in Chicago together. And how we’d always fight but it was just so magical when we made up ❤ And how you saved me from a lot of future heartbreaks because I know my limits.
  4. “Heart”- Leave me alone. I see you watching my stories, something you never do, until after I left. You had your chance. Quiet a few chances I must say. And you treated me like I was nothing special. You are a Sagittarius like me and you know that’s not okay.
  5. “Mr. Photography dude” and “Sidekick”- I love you both so much. Thanks for watching my back even though I’m far from you and being there to listen to my date fails. And knocking sense into my brain when I’m too blinded by feelings.
  6. Brother- It really bothers me that you don’t talk to me. I just went out on a date with  a guy just like you. An engineer that’s also an INTJ. I talked non-stop about you. I could imagine him being your brother-in law. But it didn’t work out. Anyways. Stop ignoring me. I know we don’t agree on anything. But. You’re my bro. You were my first best friend. I know we’re both busy and have opposite schedules, but let’s Skype sometime.
  7. Dad- I really miss you dad. Did you hear? I met a Libra. He’s just like you. Except I know him in a romantic way, so…it’s different. And also Sagittarius’s are super compatible with Libra’s so I’m excited. Like I met a Taurus and even though we’re not compatible astrologically, we were pretty compatible. And he treated me way better than the Libra. He’s an engineer too. And he lives next to us in Houston! You would have loved him. But he left me so…I’m seeing the Libra. He’s nothing like that lovely Taurus. But I feel more like myself around him. I don’t feel high maintenance. I can dress up and he calls me beautiful a 100 times. He responds to my texts in a timely manner. I feel like the Taurus thinks I am high maintenance. And he never checks up on me. Anyways the Libra’s birthday is only 4 days from yours. I wish I could come up and surprise you, but…it’s just so hard dad. I have all these quizzes, presentations, papers, and group stuff every week. Like during undergrad, I’d have one week where I didn’t have anything. It’s not like that here. There’s always something. On the bright side, my health is very good. I’m not sure my B-12 levels are good yet because I’m still tired, but I’m okay for the most part.

Yesterday my mom told me about all these things she bought. It was all…my favorite things. I tell her it’s really funny that she is remembering me, considering when I was home for the summer, she thought I was a brat :0 And then she told me, “Remember that song? ‘Only know you love her when you let her go’?” Oh yea. I do.

I wonder how many people feel that way about me right now.

Dating Part 5

“You see! This is why I was nervous!” I tell Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick on Skype.

“Okay calm down. How long has it been since you texted Y?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Yea we’re calling the dude Y now because I’m not happy…

“Um like 24 hours! And hello! I should not be the one texting him to make sure we’re still on. Ugh you see. This is the same thing that used to happen with Prince Player! But he would actually text back you know” I say falling on my bed.

I’m so mad. I worked hard all week so I can go out on my date.

“That’s what you get for cheating on player” Sidekick says.

I give him a look. “I’m not cheating on him. He isn’t mine. He never was. He doesn’t want to be. I just spoke to him by the way”.

Thursday nights have officially become my hard nights because I’m really used to going out that night. In undergrad, I had Fridays off and would start my weekends on Thursdays. But now I have one of my hardest classes on Fridays and I have hours of homework  on Thursdays.

This week’s assignment included analyzing my MBTI results from last week. Obviously I sent a pic to “Prince Player” because we discussed it the last time we saw each other. And he responds saying that he’s an ENFP too!

Oh my god. I always had a hunch that he was. Sometimes, he gets me in a way that a lot of people don’t. And I get him.

I remind him we talked about this on our last day together and he was like an INFJ or something.

But now he’s an ENFP.

I tell him I must have changed him ❤

He agrees and tells me he misses me.

I get sad. “I miss you too. I really miss you during times like this” I typed back as I wrote my essay.

“Me too. Remember on our last day I told you I like quick goodbyes…? Well. I feel it now” he responded.

Well then. About time. I always knew. That he would one day regret that we didn’t spend hours together on our last day. But oh well, what’s done is done.

I stare at the heels I wore last Saturday night.

14141721_876905802445257_5059560458876112988_nWhat a day that was. How could Y act like it was nothing.

“Just give it time. He has a full time job and school. He may be catching up on sleep or something” Mr. Photography dude says.

“He better have one hell of an excuse. Or I’m moving on” I say.

Reason #2 of why I don’t date. I HATE waiting. Hate it.

xoxo. S.


(continued from A Cinderella Story and Nice Guys. ***that post has hit the roof with many views :0)

“Stop, haram” I say laughing.

He steps back. “Um yea I think we’re way past that point” he says smiling.

“Alright well. Get the fuck outta here before my mom drags my butt back home” I say.

He laughs.

I look down. “So…I’ll see you next weekend?”

He looks down too. “Yea…it’s going to be a long week”.

“How are we going to do this? You live 45 minutes away from me and we can only see each other once a week” I say.

He leans into me. “We’ll see how it goes”.

“Okay…call me when you get home”. He says he will and we say our goodbyes.

I call my mom, and then I call Yasmeen.

“TELL. ME. EVERYTHING” she demands.

I lay on my bed like a teenager who just had their first kiss.

“It was amazing Yasmeen. It was like one of the best days of my life. After all the crap that’s happened to me these past few months, he is exactly what I need! He loves sweets like me. He loves animals like me. He’s liberal like me. He loves taking long walks and kayaking like me. He loves to spoil me.  He. Well he has the opposite personality traits of me, but I think we can balance each other out ya know?”

“Wow. He seems like a good fit for you” she says.

“I know. I think we held hands for hours. He wasn’t like other guys who take advantage of me” I say.

“Awww Shaz. I’m so happy for you!”

“There’s just one little problem” I say.

“How could there be a problem?” she asks.

“I don’t know I’m nervous. He works 9-5 and then has class 6-9:45. EVERY DAY. Which means I can’t see him until the weekend. I can’t even talk to him until then either because he doesn’t like checking his phone while he’s at work/school, which is hello, all the time except Saturdays and Sundays. Like what if there’s an emergency and I wanna talk to him?”

“If there’s an emergency, call me. You know, “Heart” and player don’t seem like they were ever there for your emergencies” she says.

I sigh. “Yea but. I don’t think I ever had that relationship with them” I say.

“Well just. See how it goes. Maybe as things settle down for both of you, you can see each other more” she says.

I turn around in my bed. “Yes but that’s the thing. It’s not gonna settle down. It’s going to get really cold here soon and snow. I know for a fact he will not be commuting to see me in that weather!” I say.

She laughs. “Just breathe. See where it goes. If it’s meant to be, it will happen” she says.

“Oh there’s another problem” I say.

“Oh yea, what is it?” she asks.

“HE’S SO NICE” I say.

“Oh my god. When has that ever been a problem?”

“Uh remember I told you about “Prince Player”? He was so nice. And then you know that thing happened. Remember? So I said I would watch out for guys that seem ‘too nice’?”

“Well he never took you out on an actual date. Yusef did” she says.

Ouch. But true.

I sigh. “Okay, you’re right”.

“Did you tell him about the ADHD and anxiety?”

My jaw drops. “Oh no. I can’t. Not yet anyway.”

“It’s okay you don’t have to”.

“Well it’s a big part of me. I will eventually” I say.

When I’m done talking to Yasmeen, I get the call that he’s reached home safe. We go to sleep, and I wake up feeling happy.

This has not happened after a date in a long time.


unnamedThe rest of the week goes by slow as he said it would. I got a C+ on my first Math assignment. And I have no idea what is happening in my Law class. My other 3 classes are going well, but these two are making me nervous.

I also went to bed at 7 am this week. Because of homework. I am soooo tired. I don’t know how I can work at this point, but I do need a job to help pay for tuition. It is also making me…nervous.

I need these nerves to stop.

xoxo. S.

A Cinderella Story and Nice Guys

(this can also be referred to as Dating Part 4)

So after moping about “The Cellist”,things just kept going downhill. My classes got way harder. My health is weird again and I need to find a good doctor. And lastly, my mom has to have surgery 😦

I have never checked my phone so many times in one day.  I hoped and hoped “The Cellist” would respond to my text. Of course, he never did.

“Stop Shahz. A girl like you doesn’t have to wait around for anyone” Mr. Photography dude said.

He was so right. Just as I was feeling like crap, I met Yusef. Notice I’m using his real name! (Because he’s a normal person like me and not famous like “The Cellist”.)

Yusef is an engineer doing his Master’s at a nearby college. And. He’s Muslim! My mother would be so happy.

We bonded over the fact that our families are both in Houston and we are here for grad school. And that he’s an engineer and both my brother and dad are too. And. That we both have the biggest sweet tooth ever. Literally! I never met a guy that loves sugar as much as I do. So he asked me out. I said okay. He said he wishes he could see me sooner, but is only free during the weekend. I say that’s actually perfect for me.

So Saturday comes. And I am rushing to get ready. Because earlier in the day, I was applying for jobs. And I also had to go to the gym. I didn’t realize the gym was so far away so by the time I got back…I only had 30 minutes to get ready! Eep!

I don’t know how I did it but I managed to shower, shave, do my hair, and makeup in that time. I put on my favorite pink wrap around dress and heels.

I get a notification that a package has arrived for me. I wonder what it could be. It’s my Shakira perfume! Thank goodness. It’s like a sign from God that I should be absolutely perfect for Yusef. I spray it quickly.

When he texts saying he’ll be late. Okay good. That gives me more time to make sure everything is on point. When I’m done, I sit down to read Paul’s Canadian in Cleveland post. I missed so many of your guys’s post while grad school started. If that happens again, can you guys shoot me a quick comment being like “Hey Shaz. You missed this. Check it out. Love you- bye”? Okay great. Anyways, as I’m about to respond and write Paul a nice comment as us bloggers do, my date arrives 🙂 (Don’t worry Paul I left you a comment when I got back!)

So I go downstairs. He  hugs me and says it’s good to see me. He’s not hot like “The Cellist” but he is cute. And it doesn’t feel so uncomfortable when he hugs me.

“So are you ready for an adventure?” I ask.

He laughs, “Yea. Lay it on me”.

I wanted to go to this bakery all the Bostonians have been talking about. It’s a long walk though. I wanted to make sure he was okay with it. He’s a Taurus like my brother. They aren’t usually good with things like this lol. But he’s okay with it.

So we walk and we talk.

He says he’s concentrating in Management and I say I am too! We talk about how we both had to do a Myers-Brigg Personality Test this week.

“Oh my god let me guess” he says.

I laugh. “Go”.

“Well you’re definitely an E” he says.

“That is right”.

“S?” he guesses next.

I take a breath and wink. “Oooo no”.

“You’re an N? Really? Wow. Okay so next. F?”

I smile. “Yup”.

“And then…P?”

I look at him. “Damn you’re good!”

So then I guess his. INTJ. “Fuck, we’re almost polar opposite” I say laughing.

He laughs “Is that going to be a problem?”

“Mmmm you’re T is going to be bad. I’m an F. Which means you’re a Thinker and I’m a Feeler. I feel very deeply let me tell you” I say.

He’s also a Taurus. Every astrology book says that Taurus’s and Sagittarius’s are not compatible. But I’ll have to solve that puzzle myself.

He laughs. “I’m a huge nerd when it comes to this stuff”.

I could just hug him. “Believe me, me too” I say.

So we arrive at the bakery. I’m so happy to see his eyes light up like mine when we see the sweets. We make small talk with the cashier about how we can’t decide. I wonder if she can tell if this is our first date. Well, he decides on his treat. I take a while longer. But he is so patient. And I wonder why both he and the cashier are waiting for me to decide. And I remember, it’s so he can pay ❤ So I quickly decide. He pays and we sit down.

We talk about our families, our cultures, our religion, and our past relationships.

“Look. I think our religion can be so strict at times. I think as long as you’re a good person, you should be able to do what you want” he says in pertaining to dating and alcohol.

“Agreed” I say. “Why am I getting the vibe that you think I’m a prude?” I ask smiling.

He laughs. “Sorry. My last Muslim girlfriend was”.

I laugh. “Trust me. I am not”.

We stay quiet for a while.

“I’ve never had a Muslim boyfriend before” I say.


I nod. We talk more about our previous relationship. I tell him about “Prince Player”.

He laughs after I’m done with the story. “That sounds so scandalous”.

I laugh even more.

He says he wants to leave. I get so sad thinking our night is over, but, it was only beginning 🙂 He just meant he was tired of sitting. So was I. So we walked around the city and stumbled upon this beautiful giant fountain where everyone was watching the water fall.

We sit there and talk some more. And I find out. That he too had a yellow labrador retriever, with almost the same name as my yellow labrador retriever!! We freak out over that common fact too.

The fountain goes down. So we get up and walk again. As we walk, he puts his arm around me. He feels what I’m feeling. I feel it. When I see this lake with benches around it, I suggest we sit again.

So we do. His hands are interlocked in mine. And we hold it on my thigh.

Couples walk past us but it’s just us sitting on the benches.

He is so red from blushing.


“Sorry. It’s just been so long. Since I’ve been with someone like you” he says looking away.

I put my around him and smile. “It’s okay”.

He laughs to himself. “I’m so used to being a nice guy. And you know. Nice guys finish last”.

I rest my chin on his shoulder. “Yea, but they get the best”.

He shakes his head and laughs.

And he looks into my eyes.

I am not. About to be the girl that begins making out with a guy on the lake.

I turn my face away and see my phone light up.


“What?” he asks panicked.

“It’s almost midnight! Shit!” I get up.

“What? So? Do you have to be somewhere?”

I sigh. “No. It’s just. I’m supposed to call my mom. You know Arab moms. They want to know where we are. And I forgot to call her because I was getting ready for you. Fuck”.

He laughs. “Oh my god. Yea let’s go”.

I grab my purse. “This is like Cinderella. I gotta go. And next thing you know- I’m going to run and leave my shoe behind-”

“-and then I’m going to go around to every girl in Boston wondering which girl the shoe belongs to and is my Princess” he finishes.

I could just die. A guy that gets my Princess references. I smile and we hold hands all through the walk home.

When we see my apartment building I stop talking.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“That’s my place. But. I don’t want this night to end” I say. “Look at all these couples holding hands and making out” I say.

He laughs. “I know”.

I bite my lip. “Okay. So. Here’s what we can do. We can quickly go up to my place, and you’ll kiss me goodnight. Or we can say goodbye and I’ll see you next weekend”.

He laughs. “I can’t believe you’d even give me a choice”.

Shit. “Oh my god you’re right. Sorry. Yea I’ll see you next weekend” I say.

He takes my hand back. “Wait Shahz no. Of course I’ll go with you”.

I smile. No way. When we get to my place he looks at me. I kiss him. And he kisses back.

He smiles. “I guess you were right”.

“About what?” I ask my nose touching his.

“Nice guys get the best girl” he says.

No kidding.

(to be continued).

xoxo. S.