What do all my readers do?

I’m back at school and the first week of school blahs have kicked in.

Why did I move to Boston?

Why did I choose to go to grad-school?

Why did I decide to take this class?

The person that got to deal with it is my significant other.

I cried as soon as I saw him.

“Oh come on. It’s only been a few days since I last saw you” he says hugging me.

True. He did come see me as soon as I landed a few days ago and that was perfect. One of our best interactions I would say. Which is exactly why my tears have nothing to do with him.

“It’s not you!” I say crying.

“What is it then?” he asks.

I stay quiet for what seems like an eternity.

“I don’t like it here” I say quietly staring out my window.

He raises his eyebrows. “You don’t like Boston?” he asks surprisingly. “I thought you loved it. That’s why you moved here”

“I do. But like. I was this big deal in Chicago. Everyone knew who I was. And now. I am a nobody” I say sadly.

He sighs. “Did someone piss you off?” he asks.

“No” I say laughing.

“Then why are you suddenly feeling like this?”

“I’ve felt this way for a long time. I tried to tell you!”

He hugs me. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch it before. Next time, you need to stop me and tell me you really need to talk”.

I smile. “Okay”.

sometimes-you-just-have-to-give-yourself-the-pep-talk-3023443“As for the situation. It happens Shahz. When you want to be successful, you need to move to new places and you need to meet new people and you need to do new things. It’s a big part of growing up. You are already amazing, but you know you’re here, and you’re trying to do big things and in like a year and a half- you’ll have a Master’s. And then if it’s still bad, you can decide where to go next”.

I rest my head on his shoulder.

And it got me thinking.

I don’t know what some of my readers do. Like what do you do for a living? Do you work? What do you do? Are you still in school? What do you study?

Comment below!

I think my reader demographics are important 🙂

xoxo. S.

My 23rd birthday, finals, and then some

For as long as I have been alive, I rarely had school on my birthday. And never have I ever had a final on my birthday. Falling only a few days before Christmas, it was never a possibility. Well. Until now. Hooray grad school!

On my 23rd birthday I had my hardest final. Epidemiology and Biostatistics. And the day after that, I had my second hardest…Law :0

At least thinks between me and “K” were good. Since our last fiasco, “K” really improved. He began texting everyday, even if it was just to say “Good morning beautiful”. I would wake up happy. So I was able to concentrate on everything again.

I spent all weekend reviewing for the finals. And then, Monday came. It didn’t even feel like a birthday.

Bright and early in the morning, I got a lovely text. From “K” ❤

“Happy birthday beautiful. Kill that exam. You’re so special I could write a whole paragraph. But why do that when I can say it all to you? Reservations tomorrow at (insert one of the best restaurant in Boston!) 9:00. I’ll pick you up. See you then.”

I smile and get out of bed. Other friends begin to text nice wishes. I get dressed and run to Starbucks. While at Starbucks, it’s “Prince Player’s” turn. He says happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here to celebrate with me. Aw.

My classmates wish me as well. One of them even texted “For your birthday I got you cold weather and one of the toughest finals! No take-backs”. Oh I loved the sympathy ❤

I grab my coffee and turn my phone off. It was time to use the last two hours I had before the exam to study! When it’s time to head out, I do a quick prayer and make it a wish to pass this class.

An hour later, I begin the exam- and I know shit. Absolutely nada. Oh. My. God. Whatever I studied, was definitely not on there! Oh no. I tried my best and after 3 hours, I was done.

So I commute back home and grab Qdoba and a chocolate cake. Hey, “K” was taking me out the next day anyway so I could celebrate for reals then. I quickly eat and begin to study for my next exam. Law. My second hardest. I study and study and around midnight I decide it’s time to call it a day.

When I arrive at the testing center, I continue to go through my flashcards. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But I go in, and holy moly. I KNOW EVERYTHING! I finished it in one hour!

Phew. At least that made me feel better. And at last, it was finally time to celebrate my birthday!

First, I decide to take a quick nap since the exam was so early in the morning. Then I shower and do my nails. “K” tells me he’s on his way. Good. I put on my dress and heels. An hour later, he arrives.

He smiles at me. “Happy birthday, you look beautiful”.

“Thanks” I say holding his hands in mine.

In the car he plays a beautiful song. I look at him and smile.

It’s “Happy Birthday” by Kygo and John Legend.

“Beautiful, beautiful, no other name
I knew from the moment you came
I’ve seen in your eyes the dawn of a day
Where nothing will ever be the same”

“Ooh, I wanna dance with you
Ooh, I’ll promise to stand for you
I’ll do anything for you
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Tonight, my love all I want
I wanna sing for you
Yeah, I’ll sing for you
Happy birthday, baby
Happy birthday to you”

We have always bonded over music. And he always chooses the right song. I lean back into my seat and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. My first birthday where I’m not single.

We arrive at the restaurant and it is very fancy. There are ceiling to floor glass windows with a view of the skyline, and the hostess knows exactly where to take us when “K” says his name.

Oooo. Wow.

We sit down and “K” orders us the wine we had on our first date. He lets me order filet minion and it is delicious.

15894868_971331169669386_1582989894823656681_nI love it. And I like him so much. But my stomach churns. I start thinking a million thoughts. I’m sad to leave him for a month. I’m going to get a lot of crap about this from my Mom when I go home. And why am I thinking about “Prince Player”? I wish I was sitting in a restaurant like this with “Prince Player”. My eyes widen when I realize I just though that.

“You okay?” “K” asks.

I snap out of it. I hold his hand, “Yea this view is just amazing baby.”

He nods. And we are ready for the check. I peak at it. Holy moly. It’s over a $100!! Jesus. This one must really like me.

We head out and reach my place. Everything is great and lovely, and after an hour, “K” has to leave. When “K” clearly told me that on my birthday, he would stay with me for a while.

It must have been something I did or said.

“What’s your deal?” I ask.

“What’s your deal?” he asks.

I go over to him.

He says something that I don’t like him mentioning. I look down. Of course. That’s why he’s leaving so soon. He’s upset.

But he hugs me. And says bye.

I’m so confused.

No wonder why I never had a boyfriend during my birthday, I didn’t want them to ruin it!!

How can we leave each other like this? Winter break was going to be weird.

But at last, after a week and a half of ignoring each other. I finally spoke to him. And we had another disagreement. Although, we told each other we would take some time to ourselves to think about our relationship and hopefully reconcile when we see each other in person again, we continued texting each other and things have been better.

Which is good because things were about to get really ugly.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

The Trials of Love

(also known as Dating Part 8, continued from Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries) Just look at this spin-off series.

I wake up Thursday feeling miserable. I have this issue with “K”, law class, and a keynote to practice for. I have a broken phone, and also, no cute outfit to wear for my keynote.

I prioritize. First, I tell myself that “K” has told me we are going out tomorrow and I won’t have to think about that until tomorrow when my speech ends. Okay great. Next, I go to law class. Done. Then, I go to this person I found on Yelp to get my phone fixed. $75 gone out of my pocket, but I have my phone back. Okay done. Then, I call an Uber and go to Macy’s.

Alright. So that begins the dress shopping issue. Why is it. That. There are not enough choices for petite girls?? I try on dresses for THREE HOURS. And I have an incredibly hard time. The employees are just as exhausted as I am, wanting to go home after a long day. So finally, as I was about to give up. I find a cute little dress!

Okay great. It’s 9:30. So I come back home and begin practicing. But I’m dead tired and still have homework to do, so I finish my homework and go to sleep. I promise myself I will wake up early in the morning and practice my speech.

So I do. I wake up nervous, but excited. I’m making a keynote for goodness sake.

I Facetime with my mom and practice. I snap some pictures to “K”, but he doesn’t respond a lot. So I go to class. In class, my whole cohort is aware I’m making the speech and they let me practice with them and all of them wish me good luck ❤

Finally, after class, it is show time. I put on my cute dress, pumps, and perfume.

I look out in the crowd and I panic. So many people. To add even more pressure, the two performances before me get standing ovations.

Fuck. Finally it’s my turn. The organizers hug me and tell me I got this. I think about the mandatory workshops and speech training I went to for this and what a big honor this is.

And I give that speech.

No standing ovation, but hey, I think I did pretty damn good for a girl with ADHD and anxiety. And I did get lots of applause and compliments.

All I want to do now is lay in K’s arms.

But it is 9:00. And I have no word from K.

I call him. It goes to voicemail.

What the fuck. Finally, I get a call from him. 30 minutes later.

“Hey….” he begins.img_1282

“Hey what’s going on?” I ask.

“I’m so sorry. I had to do something for my dad. Are you mad?” he says.

“Oh. Um. No. I’m not mad. Can you still come and see me?” I ask.

“I mean yea but it will be like 1:00 by the time I get around there and it’s raining” he says.

He’s right. It is pouring like crazy. It’s not a good night to go out anyway.

“I see. Um okay. Well this is really complicated” I say.

He laughs. “You know how busy I am. You knew what you were getting into” he says.

I don’t believe this. No I didn’t! He never warned me about this before we began dating, i was me that warned him saying that dating me is “like walking on eggshells”. But he didn’t care. No wonder because he is the one messing up, not me.

I roll my eyes. “Do you just want to do tomorrow then?” I ask.

“Yea. We can do lunch and nap afterwords!” he says as if he was hoping for me to suggest it.

I laugh. “Yea that sounds good”.

“Shahz…I’m going to Cancun next week” he says.

“Uh huh yea you told me. About all those women you’ll be around. I’m not nervous” I say unsure why he’s bringing it up again.

“You’re not?” he asks. What the fuck. Why is he asking this again? This is the same guy that said “I don’t think I’ll ever be with someone as good as you. I want to be with you” a week ago.

“No…should I be?” I ask.

“You really need to hold your liquor. God Wednesday night” he says changing the subject.

Goodness. He ignores my question and says that. I am so confused. Is he mad at me? MISERY #4.

We continue talking, confirm the plan, and say goodnight. I’m not in the best mood anyway because of my speech and all the rain, but I am a little disappointed. I take off my heels and dress.

I wake up the next morning excited. Still raining but oh well. I shower and get dressed. The clock strikes the time he is supposed to be here and I receive a text. Not an “I’m here text” but a “Hey babe! Can we reschedule to 9”? text. MISERY #5.

Okay like I know he’s busy.

So I change out of my dress and go work out. I try to do some homework. I take my own nap.

And I begin getting ready again. I’m all dolled up by 8:30. And I wait. And I wait. I send him a snap. When he doesn’t open that and it is 10:00, I call him, it goes to voicemail.

You have got to be kidding me. 2 strikes. MISERY #6.

img_0190So I order a pizza and watch The Good Wife and go to bed. On Sunday, the last day of my weekend, I wake up to no explanation from him.

I hope that he will send me a long apology text and show up at my doorstep like he did the last time he had two strikes.

But my intuition tells me that won’t happen.

When he continues not to say a word and it begins distracting me, I send him a text.

My phone blows up with three messages an hour later.

“I messed up”.

“I’m sorry”.

“Mental breakdowns on repeat”.

Ah and there it is. He could have just told me. Does he know what’s like to sit in your outfit, makeup, and heels waiting 3 times in a row? But I’ve had these breakdowns before and know what it’s like. You don’t want to talk to anyone during this time.

unnamedSo I tell him,”It’s okay. Take your time love.”

Even though. Something. Is. Definitely. Not. Okay. Here.

That is our last bit of communication. We don’t talk after that or anything today. I have a feeling we won’t talk for a while.

And so now begins the trials of love.

Can I really do this?

Do I really want to do this?

xoxo. S.

Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries)

(also known as Dating Part 7)

By the time “K” left, it was 3 am. A six hour date. Wow, that’s one for the books. “K” told me I should always text him, even if I’m just thinking of him.

So on Sunday morning, I do just that. We tell each other we miss each other already. “K” suggests he come see me that night. Whoa, it’s been less than 24 hours. And I have to do a coding assignment for class anyway. I tell him we should wait. It’s too soon, and the coding assignment took 9 hours! He seems upset, I am too. He ignores me.

But then on Monday, I get two exciting news that I share with him. One is that my presentation I was nervous about? I got an A+ and….the Professor loved it so much she wants to share it with the Dean and possibly  all of the university!!!! “K” tells me he is proud of me and I deserve it. And that I shouldn’t have been nervous at all. As if things could not get any better, I find out that I won a speech writing contest in our program and was asked to make the KEYNOTE :0 This past Friday. Holy moly, I was on fire.

So on Monday, we are both in great moods. “K” suggests we go out again on Tuesday or Wednesday. I pick Wednesday on account of I have a group project on Tuesday. Thank goodness I did that, that group project took all night :0

So Wednesday comes and I am super excited. I am running errands all over the place, handling multiple things at once when I…drop my iPhone (MISERY 1). I hold in my breath and pick it up. Fuck. It is broken. I have dropped my phone like 100 times, it never broke, till now. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I try using it, it works but the shattered glass cuts my finger. Okay that’s not safe. I use my iPad and text “K” and my parents. “K” laughs and says I should take it to Apple. He is an app developer and thinks he knows everything about iPhones (he kind of does for the most part). But from my experience, all Apple does is make me broke. So I research some repair shops. And I find one. I make an appointment for Thursday.

Okay so Wednesday. I get ready, my mom asks if I’m watching the debate. Shoot, I was so excited for the date, I forgot! Oh well. (Thanks for updating me Paul!) I put on my black pencil dress and nude heels.”K” calls saying he will be a little late so I watch a little bit of it. Finally, 30 minutes later he shows up.

I see him in my lobby. Wait what? Why isn’t he outside in his car waiting for me?

He hugs me, “Wow you look amazing”.

I raise my eyebrows as I hug him back. “I thought we were going out”.

“Yea we are. Um. But can we just go up and talk first?” he asks.

For some reason, I’m thinking “K” is saying that because he missed me  and wants to be in private for a bit.

“We can do that later” I say laughing.

“No we really need to talk. 20 minutes” he says.

And again for some reason, I don’t pick up that he needs to literally “talk” to me.

Because as soon as we get back to my place. He sits down. And says. “I got a big offer in San Francisco” (MISERY 2).

I feel my entire world collapse. I get off his lap.

“What?” I ask.

“This company. Offered us a big deal to buy my company and work with me. It’s a pretty big offer. Lots of money”.

I think I’m about to puke.

“How about a ‘congratulations’ Shahz?”

I swallow. “Congratulations baby. I’m proud of you”.

“Oh my god Shahz don’t cry. I have this thing if people start crying I begin crying too!”

I still stand facing the door.

“Hey come here” he says.

I walk away instead. “K. You know we connected this past week. And after all that. You’re leaving!”

“Have you heard of a thing called long distance relationship , Shahz?”

I laugh “No way. I’m not good with that”.

He pulls me back onto his lap. “Look Shahz. I haven’t accepted it yet. I’m still thinking about it. There are a lot of reasons for me to stay here. My family is here…and a lot of other people who are important to me are here” he says looking into my eyes.

This leads to him kissing me. And me kissing him.

“Are you going to say no to the San Fransisco offer now?” I ask laughing.

“Mmmm what’s San Fransisco again?” he asks with his nose touching mine.

He asks if I still want to go out, I say yes considering I need a drink after what he told me. We drive their in silence.

He makes a comment about it. I hold his hand and squeeze it.

When we get to the bar, we order beers and talk. He finishes his quickly. I only have half, and I am tipsy.

“Shahz really? You’re not going to finish it?”

I don’t know if he said that because I wasted his money or because I can’t handle liquor well” :0

I shrug. I bring up the fact that our relationship seems to be getting serious, and he…brings up the fact that we should consider taking our intimacy to the next level (MISERY 3).

14681805_914754628660374_3608875807356949159_nI suddenly become un-drunk. “I told you I don’t do that… plus we just met” I say.

“Yes and I understand. But you also just said we are about to be in a serious relationship and I think that is a part of a serious relationship” he says.

I put my face in my hands. “God I didn’t expect us to get this far. I didn’t even want to go out with you at first remember?” I say.

“Oh so now you’re saying you didn’t want all this?” he says.

I grab his arm. “No no no. That’s not what I’m saying. But you’re moving to San Fransisco and-“.

“Can you stop saying that? It isn’t even official yet!” he says.

I swallow. And nod.

“We should go” he says.

He puts his arm around me and we walk out. But I feel he is mad at me. But he kisses me on the cheek outside. I still think he’s mad at me.

He drives me back home. We are silent again. He points it out.

I sigh. “It seems we’re different” I say.

“Yea…”he says.

We get to my place and although we were planning to hang out, he says. “Babe, I think I’ll just leave it here. You obviously have a lot of thinking to do”.

But me, being so scared of being alone, plead with him to stay. So he parks his car and comes up.

“I should get going…” he says after a short while. “I have to drive back and don’t want it to be too late” he says.

I pull him closer. “Just spend the night. You’re tired. You shouldn’t have to drive another hour”.

He kisses my cheek. “It’s tempting. But I have to wake up early in the morning though. But hey. How about Friday? We can go out and come back here and have that sleepover” he says.

I smile. That would be a nice way to celebrate (or mope over) my keynote speech.

“Sounds good.”

He grabs his jacket. “Think about everything I said okay?”

I nod. Little did I know, there was going to be a lot of thinking 😦

xoxo. S.

Third Time’s A Charm

(Also Known as “Dating Part 6”)

So after being stood up by “K” twice, I knew he must have one hell of an awesome date planned for us. Boy he did.

When 9:00 came and I got no notification he was here, I panicked. But at last, at 9:03, I got the call that he was outside.

And there he was outside waiting for me in his car.

I smile and get in his car, “Hey” I say.

His jaw drops. “Oh my god. Hi. Can I just” he hugs me “touch you to make sure you’re real”.

I burst out laughing.

One of our friends introduced us to each other and we haven’t seen each other in person till now.

I put on my seat belt. “Where we going?”

“I ‘m taking you to this French bar that has the most amazing wine” he says pulling out of my street.

“Sounds good” I say.

We instantly connect and talk about lots of things.

When we get to the bar, we sit down and he orders us both a glass of Pinot Noir.

As we wait, he can’t stop staring at me.

“You look like a (insert my full name that means Princess) right now”.

I smile.

“Your lips, just fall perfectly on your face” he says.

I laugh.

“God when you laugh, you look like a million bucks babe” he says.

I smile.

We talk and we talk. We connect so much I tell him about my ADHD.

He is surprisingly very understanding.

“That’s part of the reason I freaked out when you didn’t answer my messages” I say.

“That will never happen again. I promise” he says.

So he explains he was having a mental breakdown, his company’s server crashed and the car accident all messed up his mind.

“Like I was sitting there. Looking at my server. With my phone in one hand opening all your snaps. And I was like “should I respond? should I?” but I was freaking out Shahz” he says.

I shrug. “You could have just told me. I have a mental breakdown every other day” I say.

“See. Well now I know you have ADHD and you would understand. At the time I was so embarrassed” he says.

As we continue to connect, we talk about how he is younger than me.

“Oh my god. I am a cougar!” I say.

“If you’re a cougar, I’ll be your cub. But you’re only like a year or so older so we don’t qualify” K says laughing.

He continues making jokes and I feel all this blood rush up my cheeks.

“You are blushing so much right now” K says.

I look away and smile. It is very hard to make me blush because of my skin tone but he knows how to do it.

After the wine, I get hungry. So “K” asks for the check and pays. We decide we will walk and find a place. “K” holds my hand as we walk.

The only place that looks open in P.F Changs. “That’s my dad’s favorite restaurant. We go there every time we have to celebrate something” I say laughing.

“K” looks at me. “You wanna go there?” he asks.

Wow. P.F Changs for a first date. I think my dad would love him.

So we go to P.F Changs and the hostess gives us a gigantic booth. We sit on opposite sides and “K” looks at me for one second when he says, “I can’t sit this far away from you”. I laugh.

I order my favorite, honey chicken.

As we wait for our food. “K” and I talk about our families. He has a crazier family than mine. I didn’t even know that is possible. Finally, he wants to know about my family.

Fuck.

I don’t normally tell a guy about my parents on our first date (let alone ever), but “K” seems like he wants to be in a serious relationship with me. And if that’s the case, he should know.

I hold his hand for support. He holds it back.

And I tell him.

He doesn’t even flinch. And is very understanding.

“So that’s why I’m scared of serious relationships” I say.

He looks into my eyes. “I’d never do that to you, Shahz” he says.

“I know you wouldn’t” I say smiling.

Our food arrives and we eat and continue talking.

When we’re done. The waitress asks if we would like dessert. He gestures to me.

“Um yes” I say.

“Great, I’ll bring you the menu” the waitress says.

I look at “K”. “Am I making you broke right now? I don’t have to have dessert” I say.

He shakes his head and kisses me on the cheek. “No I want you to have what you want”.

I could just collapse ❤

So I order the cheesecake and we split it.

At one point, he take the fork with cheesecake and puts it in my mouth. Oh my gosh. I have never been so romanticized. “I think we need the check” I say as I feel myself blushing harder.

“Yea, you’re right” K says laughing.

I reflect on what an amazing night I just had. I felt like a Queen. Could this really be it? Is it12553016_753650241437481_251180493271500687_n good for me to have a relationship right now? I’m studying for my Master’s and I don’t want it to be a distraction.

Our fortune cookies arrive.

“Oh my god, I wonder what these could possibly say” I say laughing.

I open mine and burst out laughing.

“What?” K asks.

“Don’t mistake your next opportunity as a distraction” I say laughing hard.

“You see?” K says.

“Yea. That will be a story to tell our kids. Open yours!” I say.

He does and takes one look and closes his eyes and laughs.

“Oh my god what?” I ask.

“You are in for a long journey with a friend” he says.

We both laugh and head out. He takes me for a drive around the city. When it’s time to say goodbye, a weirdly good song is playing in his car.

I ask him what it is.

“You like it?” he asks smiling.

“No” I say lieing.

“It’s ‘I see fire’ by Ed Sheeran. I only have it because it’s from Lord of the Rings” he says.

“Do you see fire in me?” I ask.

He smiles and nods.

And then he kisses me. And then that kiss turns into another. And then three. And then 4. And then 100.

Many songs with the most appropriate lyrics play.

And then “All of Me” by John Legend starts playing.

“Ugh. Now it’s that one song that reminds everyone about their past relationships” K says.

I laugh and look at him. “Or…a new one” I say.

He kisses my hand.

Yes. I’d like to hope. This is it. And third time’s a charm.

But maybe. Not.

xoxo. S.

Eggshells

I must say the past week has been crazy stressful with an exam everyday, paper due every other day, and a presentation.

brisgeAnd my heartbreak over “Y” doesn’t really make things better. I will never understand why he abruptly stopped talking to me after one of the most amazing night’s ever. Oh well. His loss.

Other guys tried to come into my life, but they were all nothing compared to him. They weren’t respectful or caring like “Y” was. I message “Prince Player” for advice. We talked earlier in the day, but I needed to hear from him again.

I tell him a little bit about the situation.

“Don’t spend any time on them” he says.

I could die. People used to tell me the same thing about him!

And then he says, “I’ve changed a lot. I think it would be different if you were still here”.

I’m puzzled. “What would you do differently?” I ask.

“I would take you out on actual dates instead of that booty call thing we always did” he says.

My jaw drops.

I waited 4 years. 4. Y.E.A.R.S. For him to say that.

My heart beats fast. Why. Why now? When I’m gone?

How many times I gave a performance that got a standing ovation, and he wasn’t there to see my show. How many times I had to go to a ball, and he couldn’t be my date. How many times I wanted to discuss something serious with him, but I couldn’t. How many times he took pictures with other girls and posted it on social media, but not with me.How many times I wanted to wear a cute outfit and go out with him.

How many times I wanted to be that girl, but I wasn’t. Because we didn’t have that kind of relationship.

I swallow. Unbelievable.

Since we’re on the topic, I ask him about something that’s been bothering me.

“Do you still think I’m a princess?” I ask.

“No. I don’t think I ever did” he says.

“Then why did you call me that?” I ask.

“I guess I always just felt like I was walking on eggshells with you”.

I stare at my phone.

Eggshells. Eggshells.

My motivational talk about my ADHD I’m known for giving is called “Walking on Eggshells”.

But.

What the fuck does “Prince Player” mean by it? I ask him.

“Part of me was waiting for the day you would say ‘Look. I think I expected things that you didn’t’. And you showed that to me in various ways, but you didn’t say it”.

I swallow. I tell myself to be calm.

He is partially right. He is actually 95% right about it.

I tell him today will be the day I say it. And I do.

“Okay. I’ll say it today. Look. I think I expected things that you didn’t. I was raised on one value and one value only. Loyalty. I believe in it, and it doesn’t seem like you do and that’s totally fine. I shouldn’t be upset about it. It’s your life, and you should do what makes you happy. My version of happiness is different than your version of happiness. What makes you happy, is not what makes me happy. And I should have known better” I say.

It really was unreasonable for me to get as depressed as I did over his deciding to be with other women. It is his right and his choice to do so.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me <3” he responds.

I tell him he should have just told me that instead of calling me “princess”. As that comment really hurt me.

He says he doesn’t know why he did that and I laugh over how upset I was over it to find out he really didn’t mean it.

But then I stop realizing when I realize he still doesn’t know my side of the story. So I tell him.

“But look. This isn’t one sided. I’m not upset about what you did, I’m upset I had to find out from my enemies than from someone I love dearly!”I explain.

And I end it with “So that was me walking on eggshells with you”.

He thinks he had to walk on eggshells? Please.

I think about my friends showing me tweets “Prince Player” made to other girls or pictures tumblr_ltceiuxjpz1r0z3hjo1_500he posted with them.

I think about all our mutual friends saying bad things about him, but I would sit there and defend him and stay loyal to him.

Only to find out, what I found out.

For the love of god he can hook up with as many women he wants to. But having to hear that from those girls themselves or my enemies? I think I deserve better than that.

He just won’t get it. Well, maybe he does. Because after that, he’s always been very open with me. As I was with him. But still.

As I want to finally go out on that date with him, I’m glad I left.

Because part of me believes. Things would still be the same. And not much would be different.

Yet. I tell him he should come visit Boston one day.

He may not have been a great friend, but he was a good lover. He did make efforts to change throughout our relationship or whatever it is we had. And I miss him.

When we’re finished talking, I look down at my dress and heels.

A tear drop runs down my face.

Oh no. What “Prince Player” said was a good thing. Why am I crying?? I have a party to get to!

I get a call from Mr. Photography dude.

“Yasmeen says the board got denied funding. Use your connections and help them!”

I can’t even think. “Not now. Tell her I’ll call her later”.

“Shahz. What’s wrong?” he asks.

I begin taking off my heels. I lay in my bed. “Nothing”.

“Didn’t you have a party to go tonight?”

I lay on my pillow. “Yea but I’m not going” I say.

“Which guy did you talk to?” he asks.

I begin laughing. “What?”

“Every time you don’t want to go out it’s because of a guy!” he says.

“Player” I say.

“Go figure” he says.

“It was good. It wasn’t bad” I say.

“Then why do you sound sad?” he asks.

I stare at the ceiling. “I’m just thinking about what could have been” I say.

“Well stop. Because it wouldn’t have been!” he says.

“How do you know?” I ask laughing.

“Fate. You wrote about it on your blog remember?”

Oh yea. “How about what could be?”

“If it’s meant to be it will be. Speaking of which. Go to that party. You may meet some cute boys!”

I roll my eyes and put my heels back on.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

A Note to All the Current Men In My Life

  1. “Y”- How dare you? I have a “Dear Diary” kind of night with you. We have just about everything in common. We balance out each others negative qualities. You tell me about all these things you can’t wait to do with me. And you…leave me. After you made the plans… YOU. With no excuse. Not even a text. Oh. It’s your loss sweet pea. A girl like me won’t stay solo for long.
  2. “The Cellist”- I’m glad you’re back in my life. It’s only been what, 2 weeks? Yea. So I may have overreacted about what happened on our second date. I missed you every fucking day my shuttle went past your school and I saw all those cello players. I couldn’t listen to a single song because all of them had cellos in them.So yea we both said some things we regret. And now. We’re going to try again. But I need to be sure you’re not into me just because of my looks. So. There’s that.
  3. “Prince Player”- For once, I just love you. Thank you for being there for me thesefullsizerender3 past few weeks. Responding to my “how I survive grad school” Snapchats. And telling me about all the stuff you miss about me. And admitting your wrongs. And being there for me on crappy Saturday nights where my latest prince won’t show up on my doorstep :/ I think about you during those times. I’ll be looking at my Skyline remembering how you and I used to stare at the one in Chicago together. And how we’d always fight but it was just so magical when we made up ❤ And how you saved me from a lot of future heartbreaks because I know my limits.
  4. “Heart”- Leave me alone. I see you watching my stories, something you never do, until after I left. You had your chance. Quiet a few chances I must say. And you treated me like I was nothing special. You are a Sagittarius like me and you know that’s not okay.
  5. “Mr. Photography dude” and “Sidekick”- I love you both so much. Thanks for watching my back even though I’m far from you and being there to listen to my date fails. And knocking sense into my brain when I’m too blinded by feelings.
  6. Brother- It really bothers me that you don’t talk to me. I just went out on a date with  a guy just like you. An engineer that’s also an INTJ. I talked non-stop about you. I could imagine him being your brother-in law. But it didn’t work out. Anyways. Stop ignoring me. I know we don’t agree on anything. But. You’re my bro. You were my first best friend. I know we’re both busy and have opposite schedules, but let’s Skype sometime.
  7. Dad- I really miss you dad. Did you hear? I met a Libra. He’s just like you. Except I know him in a romantic way, so…it’s different. And also Sagittarius’s are super compatible with Libra’s so I’m excited. Like I met a Taurus and even though we’re not compatible astrologically, we were pretty compatible. And he treated me way better than the Libra. He’s an engineer too. And he lives next to us in Houston! You would have loved him. But he left me so…I’m seeing the Libra. He’s nothing like that lovely Taurus. But I feel more like myself around him. I don’t feel high maintenance. I can dress up and he calls me beautiful a 100 times. He responds to my texts in a timely manner. I feel like the Taurus thinks I am high maintenance. And he never checks up on me. Anyways the Libra’s birthday is only 4 days from yours. I wish I could come up and surprise you, but…it’s just so hard dad. I have all these quizzes, presentations, papers, and group stuff every week. Like during undergrad, I’d have one week where I didn’t have anything. It’s not like that here. There’s always something. On the bright side, my health is very good. I’m not sure my B-12 levels are good yet because I’m still tired, but I’m okay for the most part.

Yesterday my mom told me about all these things she bought. It was all…my favorite things. I tell her it’s really funny that she is remembering me, considering when I was home for the summer, she thought I was a brat :0 And then she told me, “Remember that song? ‘Only know you love her when you let her go’?” Oh yea. I do.

I wonder how many people feel that way about me right now.

Dating Part 5

“You see! This is why I was nervous!” I tell Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick on Skype.

“Okay calm down. How long has it been since you texted Y?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Yea we’re calling the dude Y now because I’m not happy…

“Um like 24 hours! And hello! I should not be the one texting him to make sure we’re still on. Ugh you see. This is the same thing that used to happen with Prince Player! But he would actually text back you know” I say falling on my bed.

I’m so mad. I worked hard all week so I can go out on my date.

“That’s what you get for cheating on player” Sidekick says.

I give him a look. “I’m not cheating on him. He isn’t mine. He never was. He doesn’t want to be. I just spoke to him by the way”.

Thursday nights have officially become my hard nights because I’m really used to going out that night. In undergrad, I had Fridays off and would start my weekends on Thursdays. But now I have one of my hardest classes on Fridays and I have hours of homework  on Thursdays.

This week’s assignment included analyzing my MBTI results from last week. Obviously I sent a pic to “Prince Player” because we discussed it the last time we saw each other. And he responds saying that he’s an ENFP too!

Oh my god. I always had a hunch that he was. Sometimes, he gets me in a way that a lot of people don’t. And I get him.

I remind him we talked about this on our last day together and he was like an INFJ or something.

But now he’s an ENFP.

I tell him I must have changed him ❤

He agrees and tells me he misses me.

I get sad. “I miss you too. I really miss you during times like this” I typed back as I wrote my essay.

“Me too. Remember on our last day I told you I like quick goodbyes…? Well. I feel it now” he responded.

Well then. About time. I always knew. That he would one day regret that we didn’t spend hours together on our last day. But oh well, what’s done is done.

I stare at the heels I wore last Saturday night.

14141721_876905802445257_5059560458876112988_nWhat a day that was. How could Y act like it was nothing.

“Just give it time. He has a full time job and school. He may be catching up on sleep or something” Mr. Photography dude says.

“He better have one hell of an excuse. Or I’m moving on” I say.

Reason #2 of why I don’t date. I HATE waiting. Hate it.

xoxo. S.

Nervous

(continued from A Cinderella Story and Nice Guys. ***that post has hit the roof with many views :0)

“Stop, haram” I say laughing.

He steps back. “Um yea I think we’re way past that point” he says smiling.

“Alright well. Get the fuck outta here before my mom drags my butt back home” I say.

He laughs.

I look down. “So…I’ll see you next weekend?”

He looks down too. “Yea…it’s going to be a long week”.

“How are we going to do this? You live 45 minutes away from me and we can only see each other once a week” I say.

He leans into me. “We’ll see how it goes”.

“Okay…call me when you get home”. He says he will and we say our goodbyes.

I call my mom, and then I call Yasmeen.

“TELL. ME. EVERYTHING” she demands.

I lay on my bed like a teenager who just had their first kiss.

“It was amazing Yasmeen. It was like one of the best days of my life. After all the crap that’s happened to me these past few months, he is exactly what I need! He loves sweets like me. He loves animals like me. He’s liberal like me. He loves taking long walks and kayaking like me. He loves to spoil me.  He. Well he has the opposite personality traits of me, but I think we can balance each other out ya know?”

“Wow. He seems like a good fit for you” she says.

“I know. I think we held hands for hours. He wasn’t like other guys who take advantage of me” I say.

“Awww Shaz. I’m so happy for you!”

“There’s just one little problem” I say.

“How could there be a problem?” she asks.

“I don’t know I’m nervous. He works 9-5 and then has class 6-9:45. EVERY DAY. Which means I can’t see him until the weekend. I can’t even talk to him until then either because he doesn’t like checking his phone while he’s at work/school, which is hello, all the time except Saturdays and Sundays. Like what if there’s an emergency and I wanna talk to him?”

“If there’s an emergency, call me. You know, “Heart” and player don’t seem like they were ever there for your emergencies” she says.

I sigh. “Yea but. I don’t think I ever had that relationship with them” I say.

“Well just. See how it goes. Maybe as things settle down for both of you, you can see each other more” she says.

I turn around in my bed. “Yes but that’s the thing. It’s not gonna settle down. It’s going to get really cold here soon and snow. I know for a fact he will not be commuting to see me in that weather!” I say.

She laughs. “Just breathe. See where it goes. If it’s meant to be, it will happen” she says.

“Oh there’s another problem” I say.

“Oh yea, what is it?” she asks.

“HE’S SO NICE” I say.

“Oh my god. When has that ever been a problem?”

“Uh remember I told you about “Prince Player”? He was so nice. And then you know that thing happened. Remember? So I said I would watch out for guys that seem ‘too nice’?”

“Well he never took you out on an actual date. Yusef did” she says.

Ouch. But true.

I sigh. “Okay, you’re right”.

“Did you tell him about the ADHD and anxiety?”

My jaw drops. “Oh no. I can’t. Not yet anyway.”

“It’s okay you don’t have to”.

“Well it’s a big part of me. I will eventually” I say.

When I’m done talking to Yasmeen, I get the call that he’s reached home safe. We go to sleep, and I wake up feeling happy.

This has not happened after a date in a long time.

Wow.

unnamedThe rest of the week goes by slow as he said it would. I got a C+ on my first Math assignment. And I have no idea what is happening in my Law class. My other 3 classes are going well, but these two are making me nervous.

I also went to bed at 7 am this week. Because of homework. I am soooo tired. I don’t know how I can work at this point, but I do need a job to help pay for tuition. It is also making me…nervous.

I need these nerves to stop.

xoxo. S.

A Cinderella Story and Nice Guys

(this can also be referred to as Dating Part 4)

So after moping about “The Cellist”,things just kept going downhill. My classes got way harder. My health is weird again and I need to find a good doctor. And lastly, my mom has to have surgery 😦

I have never checked my phone so many times in one day.  I hoped and hoped “The Cellist” would respond to my text. Of course, he never did.

“Stop Shahz. A girl like you doesn’t have to wait around for anyone” Mr. Photography dude said.

He was so right. Just as I was feeling like crap, I met Yusef. Notice I’m using his real name! (Because he’s a normal person like me and not famous like “The Cellist”.)

Yusef is an engineer doing his Master’s at a nearby college. And. He’s Muslim! My mother would be so happy.

We bonded over the fact that our families are both in Houston and we are here for grad school. And that he’s an engineer and both my brother and dad are too. And. That we both have the biggest sweet tooth ever. Literally! I never met a guy that loves sugar as much as I do. So he asked me out. I said okay. He said he wishes he could see me sooner, but is only free during the weekend. I say that’s actually perfect for me.

So Saturday comes. And I am rushing to get ready. Because earlier in the day, I was applying for jobs. And I also had to go to the gym. I didn’t realize the gym was so far away so by the time I got back…I only had 30 minutes to get ready! Eep!

I don’t know how I did it but I managed to shower, shave, do my hair, and makeup in that time. I put on my favorite pink wrap around dress and heels.

I get a notification that a package has arrived for me. I wonder what it could be. It’s my Shakira perfume! Thank goodness. It’s like a sign from God that I should be absolutely perfect for Yusef. I spray it quickly.

When he texts saying he’ll be late. Okay good. That gives me more time to make sure everything is on point. When I’m done, I sit down to read Paul’s Canadian in Cleveland post. I missed so many of your guys’s post while grad school started. If that happens again, can you guys shoot me a quick comment being like “Hey Shaz. You missed this. Check it out. Love you- bye”? Okay great. Anyways, as I’m about to respond and write Paul a nice comment as us bloggers do, my date arrives 🙂 (Don’t worry Paul I left you a comment when I got back!)

So I go downstairs. He  hugs me and says it’s good to see me. He’s not hot like “The Cellist” but he is cute. And it doesn’t feel so uncomfortable when he hugs me.

“So are you ready for an adventure?” I ask.

He laughs, “Yea. Lay it on me”.

I wanted to go to this bakery all the Bostonians have been talking about. It’s a long walk though. I wanted to make sure he was okay with it. He’s a Taurus like my brother. They aren’t usually good with things like this lol. But he’s okay with it.

So we walk and we talk.

He says he’s concentrating in Management and I say I am too! We talk about how we both had to do a Myers-Brigg Personality Test this week.

“Oh my god let me guess” he says.

I laugh. “Go”.

“Well you’re definitely an E” he says.

“That is right”.

“S?” he guesses next.

I take a breath and wink. “Oooo no”.

“You’re an N? Really? Wow. Okay so next. F?”

I smile. “Yup”.

“And then…P?”

I look at him. “Damn you’re good!”

So then I guess his. INTJ. “Fuck, we’re almost polar opposite” I say laughing.

He laughs “Is that going to be a problem?”

“Mmmm you’re T is going to be bad. I’m an F. Which means you’re a Thinker and I’m a Feeler. I feel very deeply let me tell you” I say.

He’s also a Taurus. Every astrology book says that Taurus’s and Sagittarius’s are not compatible. But I’ll have to solve that puzzle myself.

He laughs. “I’m a huge nerd when it comes to this stuff”.

I could just hug him. “Believe me, me too” I say.

So we arrive at the bakery. I’m so happy to see his eyes light up like mine when we see the sweets. We make small talk with the cashier about how we can’t decide. I wonder if she can tell if this is our first date. Well, he decides on his treat. I take a while longer. But he is so patient. And I wonder why both he and the cashier are waiting for me to decide. And I remember, it’s so he can pay ❤ So I quickly decide. He pays and we sit down.

We talk about our families, our cultures, our religion, and our past relationships.

“Look. I think our religion can be so strict at times. I think as long as you’re a good person, you should be able to do what you want” he says in pertaining to dating and alcohol.

“Agreed” I say. “Why am I getting the vibe that you think I’m a prude?” I ask smiling.

He laughs. “Sorry. My last Muslim girlfriend was”.

I laugh. “Trust me. I am not”.

We stay quiet for a while.

“I’ve never had a Muslim boyfriend before” I say.

“Really?”

I nod. We talk more about our previous relationship. I tell him about “Prince Player”.

He laughs after I’m done with the story. “That sounds so scandalous”.

I laugh even more.

He says he wants to leave. I get so sad thinking our night is over, but, it was only beginning 🙂 He just meant he was tired of sitting. So was I. So we walked around the city and stumbled upon this beautiful giant fountain where everyone was watching the water fall.

We sit there and talk some more. And I find out. That he too had a yellow labrador retriever, with almost the same name as my yellow labrador retriever!! We freak out over that common fact too.

The fountain goes down. So we get up and walk again. As we walk, he puts his arm around me. He feels what I’m feeling. I feel it. When I see this lake with benches around it, I suggest we sit again.

So we do. His hands are interlocked in mine. And we hold it on my thigh.

Couples walk past us but it’s just us sitting on the benches.

He is so red from blushing.

14055133_871861526283018_4708553009968455201_n

“Sorry. It’s just been so long. Since I’ve been with someone like you” he says looking away.

I put my around him and smile. “It’s okay”.

He laughs to himself. “I’m so used to being a nice guy. And you know. Nice guys finish last”.

I rest my chin on his shoulder. “Yea, but they get the best”.

He shakes his head and laughs.

And he looks into my eyes.

I am not. About to be the girl that begins making out with a guy on the lake.

I turn my face away and see my phone light up.

“Fuck”.

“What?” he asks panicked.

“It’s almost midnight! Shit!” I get up.

“What? So? Do you have to be somewhere?”

I sigh. “No. It’s just. I’m supposed to call my mom. You know Arab moms. They want to know where we are. And I forgot to call her because I was getting ready for you. Fuck”.

He laughs. “Oh my god. Yea let’s go”.

I grab my purse. “This is like Cinderella. I gotta go. And next thing you know- I’m going to run and leave my shoe behind-”

“-and then I’m going to go around to every girl in Boston wondering which girl the shoe belongs to and is my Princess” he finishes.

I could just die. A guy that gets my Princess references. I smile and we hold hands all through the walk home.

When we see my apartment building I stop talking.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“That’s my place. But. I don’t want this night to end” I say. “Look at all these couples holding hands and making out” I say.

He laughs. “I know”.

I bite my lip. “Okay. So. Here’s what we can do. We can quickly go up to my place, and you’ll kiss me goodnight. Or we can say goodbye and I’ll see you next weekend”.

He laughs. “I can’t believe you’d even give me a choice”.

Shit. “Oh my god you’re right. Sorry. Yea I’ll see you next weekend” I say.

He takes my hand back. “Wait Shahz no. Of course I’ll go with you”.

I smile. No way. When we get to my place he looks at me. I kiss him. And he kisses back.

He smiles. “I guess you were right”.

“About what?” I ask my nose touching his.

“Nice guys get the best girl” he says.

No kidding.

(to be continued).

xoxo. S.