A Letter to My Ex On His Birthday: “Because You Loved Me”

This is probably the toughest post I have had to write since the poem called “Fake”. You know about that one, don’t you darling? After that one broke my heart, you came along. And I have never been the same.

Today is a day I thank God.Your simple presence always lit up my day. Exactly one year ago, as I was wishing you a happy birthday, we declared our like for each other. I still remember you telling me that you’re going to call me “Eyes” because I help you see. And then I told you that I’m gonna call you “Heart” because you keep me alive and beating. We promised each other our like wouldn’t turn into love. But we both broke it. We fell is love so fast. And you know what? I had never been happier.

The few months before I met you was a pain. I found out that the guy I was with before you hooked up with one of my close friends 😦 I was humiliated. I felt used and stupid. I was diagnosed with ADHD and my treatment caused hospitalizations, weight loss, and depression. And as I confided in you, my dad wasn’t being so nice to my mom. I felt like I was good for nothing.

Then there was you. I was dancing at that party one night, I saw you staring at me like I was…something amazing. I walked over to you with all of these bruises over my heart. I was perfect in your eyes, you took me in immediately and showed me a way. Every day after that, we talked and you inspired me to keep moving forward. Little by little, I revealed my bruises to you and you still looked at me like I was an angel or something.

Any problem I had, you would rub my shoulders and tell me what I could do about it. My bruises kept fading away. I have never felt so strong. You were always so brave. You had problems of your own, but all I could do was hold you against my chest and tell you “everything will be okay” and that I’ll pray for you.

I don’t know if my heart will ever be the same. Don’t worry, I will continue to see other guys (if they even want to see me). I know you want me to be happy. Is it selfish for me to say, I hope you’re not seeing anyone else? Yea, I think so. But still. I miss you. I will for a while. My world is a better place, because you loved me. Have a wonderful birthday, may all of your wishes come true ❤

xoxo. No longer your eyes (or soul).

A Letter to “Heart”: When I Get Sad…

love pic 8Dear “Heart”,

It’s been almost five weeks since I last saw you. Did you know it’s our one year this week? It’s making me so sad. Everyone tells me that I should think of the time I was the most happiest when I get sad…You know what they don’t know? The time when I was most happiest was when I was falling in love with you!

Whenever you left my place, you would grab me by my hips, push my hair away, and whisper in my ear- “Hey. Don’t cry after I leave. Have some wine, listen to some music, and know we will see each other again one day.”

And then I’d smack you as I laughed, and you’d grab my wrists and lock me up inside your arms. Then you’d kiss my nose, you loved my nose…

Every time, I walked you out to the door and watched you walk away. As soon as I got back to my room, I’d take off my eyeliner and do exactly what you told me not to do.

So when I get sad, I cry tears of joy and laugh to myself at the funny moments we had together. I’m telling you, if someone walked in on me doing this- they’d think I’m nuts.

But what else can I do…when I get sad?

xoxo. Unsure if I am still your eyes and soul.

A Letter to Him, A Letter to Me

Well this is exciting. I’ve been pulling out my hair so much out of my missing “Heart” and I read in this book that a good thing to do is write a letter to someone, and then write one to yourself as a response from them.

Great. Here goes nothing.

For “Heart”:

Why oh why do you make me suffer, dear “Heart”? A month has passed since I last saw you and spoke to you. Do you plan to go the whole summer without saying a word to me? The World Cup ended Sunday so you can speak to me now.

Spare me the reason of your absence sweetie. I get it, I was a little out of it on our last day together. Could you blame me? I was upset over what happened the week before, I was in a rush to get all the crap out of my dorm, and we got together so last minute. I swear, timing is our worst enemy.

But knowing you, this probably isn’t it. You’re probably using this summer break to get over me and you’re trying to give me a hint to do the same.

I also know you have a lot going on. I hope work is going well. I hope your mother is well. And I hope your family oversees is doing well, yes I heard about what is going on in Palestine 😦 It isn’t fair. Have you heard that song “In a World Like this” by the Backstreet Boys? You probably have and you’re gonna deny it. But, it reminds me of this. And it reminds me of the question you asked when we first met- “Do you think the world is fair?” To which I responded, “Absolutely not”. And I tell you again, it isn’t. Stay strong. I’d like to cue the song now and say “In a world like this, I’ve got you” but it doesn’t seem like you want me.

So now I go back to eating madelines and praying that you’ll text me.

xoxo. Shahz. (no longer your soul or eyes)

***And so now I place myself in his shoes and write a letter to myself. Oh dear lol, bear with me!”

For Shahz:

God Shahz, why do you like me so much? I told you to stop. Yes, I’m using this summer to give us both space. You and I both know that this isn’t going to work….”in a world like this”. Did you like how I quoted the song? 😉

How dare you insult my love of soccer? I totally knew Germany would win. Anyways, don’t worry about our last time together. I was being a jerk anyway. I’m sorry. If we are together in the Fall, maybe timing will be better.

Yea, things are fine here. I’m good, my mom’s good… and you may have noticed from my Facebook status today that I am pissed the fuck off. It’s devastating Shahz! I love your homeland, I heard you’re going there to see your family in a month- have fun.

And what are you still doing listening to the Backstreet Boys? You’re so weird I swear. I do want you, you know that…but, to quote you again, “in a world like this” it isn’t happening.

Cool it on the madelines, sugar ain’t good for you!

And…I kind of need my soul and eyes. Don’t be so dramatic.

-Your Heart

A Letter to “Heart”: My Lost Sunrise

Oh “Heart”,

I wish I could say I had fun with you yesterday, but I did not. I had a feeling you texted me all the things you texted me a month ago and dumped me because you were drunk. It was nice of you to come back to me and explain yourself.

maya angelou quoteBut how dare you walk back into my life and expect me to be the same? Before, you were like a sunrise to me. You rose me up and made me strong, in your arms was where I belonged.

But not anymore. Let’s be honest “Heart”. This is always going to be a game of you leaving and coming back. You and me having different needs that we can’t fulfill.

You refused to cuddle me yesterday the way you used to, “It’ll make us attached” you said. Yet you had no problem going beyond that step. Well get out of my life then, “Heart!”

After you left, I felt like trash. I felt used, I did that thing where I stand in the shower and scrubbed myself for an hour. I never thought this would happen with you, but your behavior has totally changed this. I no longer feel comfortable with you 😦

You are no longer a sunrise, you are the rain that makes me so gloomy.

In a way, I feel free. I don’t like you the way I used to and that feels good. I don’t need you to be my sunrise, I can make my own.

xoxo. no longer your soul or eyes.

Taking risks (in love and boxing) and other weekly musings!

Happy Friday readers!

I feel like I’m getting worse at blogging by the day. I guess a lot has been going on lately. I don’t know if I have mentioned it before, but I’m a big fighter. My great grandfather was a boxer, my dad was a boxer, and…I’m a boxer. My dad got me into it when I was a teen and I quit for the longest time. This year I got back into it.

riskAnd boy is it a metaphor. Boxing is like loving “Heart”. IT’S A HUGE RISK.

Boxing is a risk because I know I can get hurt and never box again.

Loving “Heart” is a risk because I know I can get hurt and it will be hard to love again.

Things have been great since “Heart” came back. I am whole again. When “Heart” saw our picture still sitting on my wall, he was amused. Of course I still kept the picture up…I never lost faith in us. I knew he would come back, because my heart couldn’t let him leave me. And of course…he is my heart.

And I’m scared. Because we both know this love story won’t end in the place we want it to. I remember staring at him the day he came back to me. He finally looked into my eyes and said “What is it? What? Shaz. Come on. Be honest with me.” And I looked back into his eyes and said “I’m scared…every time you walk out my door I don’t know if you’re coming back. I can’t keep doing this thing where you are with me and then you leave me because you love me too much.” I noticed he looked deeply into my eyes, “That’s why I’m back. To see if we can try again. This is a huge risk we’re taking”.

I don’t know. It seems like everyone is against us. Just like a handful of people are against me boxing. But both “Heart” and boxing gives me this thrill that I can’t explain.

I’m complete again, but it doesn’t feel right. This whole “taking risks” thing scares me.

xoxo. S.