Try and Make Me Laugh!

screen shot 2019-01-05 at 2.00.34 amReaders, thanks so much for the congrats messages you left about my blogiversary. And if you shared your blog on my older blog brother Paul’s website in his Share Your Blog 2019 post, even more thanks because that means I now have new friends/got to reconnect with old ones.

For 6 years I have been known for making readers around the world laugh or smile. I truly believe laughter is the best medicine. Over the past few months, it’s been hard for me myself to laugh. A broken engagement & being laid off at the same time feels like a living nightmare. Some days it’s ok, some days it isn’t.

One day I will be 100% fine. But today isn’t it 😦

So I need a favor from all my dear readers…I want you to think of something funny. A riddle you heard, something in your life, something you read on my blog- and try and make me laugh! Comment below 🙂

xoxo. S.

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A Letter to Me, On the Eve of My 25th Birthday

Dear Shaz,

I hope you know none of what happened to you this year was your fault, and everyone is proud of you for pushing through despite everything that happened.

It wasn’t your fault your parents tried to arrange your marriage right after you graduated. It’s not really their fault either, almost all of your friends from your faith community got their marriage arranged right after or right before they graduated and all of them are living happy lives. Your parents only wanted what was best for you- and instead all of you got manipulated and it is nobody’s fault except your ex’s. Sorry love. Something better will come.

It wasn’t your fault your fiance changed his mind about you and kept it to himself, and eventually you had to call everything off when he started treating you so poorly to the point you couldn’t stand it because he didn’t have the guts to end the relationship. 

It wasn’t your fault your fiance demanded you to move across the country for him and within only months of living in your new hometown, you got laid off from your job and you had to return home. Companies have to do lay offs all the time, and a lot of times it is the first people who get hired that has to go. 

It wasn’t your fault you donated the gifts your fiance gave you. You don’t need gifts from anybody that disrespected you. 

It wasn’t your fault you got rejected to so many jobs and it took a while to get your first job, and is now taking just as long to get your new job. It isn’t always easy to land a job, even with your qualifications.

It wasn’t your fault you had to cancel your car lease and rental lease in California when you had to move back home. What else is one supposed to do when they lose their first job?

It wasn’t your fault you stopped writing and taking calls from relatives because you couldn’t put into words what you experienced in the last 7 months of your life. 

Screen Shot 2018-12-18 at 3.13.32 AM

It. Just. Wasn’t. Your. Fault.

So here’s to you Shaz!

Despite everything that happened, you totally nailed so many things in your life! You graduated with your Masters degree from a top 10 school, you worked temporarily for a top company in a high level role, you made an Instagram and got 100 followers overnight, and most importantly- you ended a toxic relationship because you knew you were worth so much more.

Just wait. 25 will be a great year for you ❤ You will see why everything happened the way it did 🙂

Love, 

Shaz

The Hardest few Months of My Life

When I think back to the last time I experienced a hard few months of my life, I sigh.

How was I so weak back then with small issues, but tough now with the big issues.

Back then, my biggest problem amongst others was liking “Prince Player”- who didn’t like me back. It wasn’t my parents separation. It wasn’t my ADHD. It wasn’t school. It was that.

Now.

Reality has hit my like a slap in the face. I lost my fiancee. I lost my job. I had to move back home. And I lost what would have been my brand new car.

I said it then, and I’ll say it now.

It’s like God is testing me. I get to experience regret, guilt, humiliation, and sadnesScreen Shot 2018-11-19 at 2.17.50 AMs all at once.

But I remember, back then, it was so tough and I thought my life was over. Yet, as I learned, things got better- and my life…was just beginning.

I hope that’s what is happening right now.

xo. S.

Rejection

A month ago, my life was great. I had two companies fighting for me, a guy that I had been deeply missing visiting me, and a set of plans as to what to do after graduation.

I don’t really have anything now.

I was sitting in a review session yesterday, excited out of my mind to take my last EVER final. And I got this email I didn’t expect. “While we were impressed with your background, we decided to go in a different direction…”

My eyes widened. That was the company I had a FOURTH interview with. I had banked on working for them, staying in Boston forever. My. dream. job.

My eyes well up in the classroom. I swallow. I text my dad the email.

And he makes me smile.

Alexander-Graham-Bell-Quotes-2“Don’t worry too much about this. Your grandfather once told me this quote. *When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us*. 

He was right. There is a company who has shown interest in me that I have been ignoring and I think I will give them a shot.

I also started to think about my love dilemma.

It was applicable there too. I focused too much on my “closed door” (Prince Player) that I failed to see the open door (Scientist). And I don’t think I can ever get Scientist back.

But as my dad said after we talked for a bit, “You learned. And that’s what’s important”.

Indeed.

xoxo. S.

The Chapters of My Book

“Dad says you have to get something surgically removed?”

My eyes widen. My brother knows now??

So it’s been a crazy few weeks. When I went in for my physical last week, the Vitamin B-12 and D deficiency was not the only thing that was found. I had a lump. In the best part of my body. I didn’t say anything because Dr. Clarke said it’s fine and nothing to worry about.

But it still kept hurting. Really badly. Like the day before yesterday, my parents were gone all day, and it was just me and my dog. I was sleeping all day because that’s the only thing that keeps the pain away. I woke up to find her, laying on my chest, on top of the lump, right where it hurts. And she looked at me with sad eyes. Like she knew. Something that should not be there, was there.

First, I called Yasmeen. Yasmeen’s mom is a nurse. They said I have to go back to the doctor, even if I already saw her last week and she said it was nothing. So, I called the doctor’s office immediately. They said they would be able to see me the next day (yesterday).

“Back so soon huh Miss Shaz?” Dr. Clarke says smiling.

“Yes Dr. Clarke. I think the lump got bigger” I say.

“Now Shaz. I told you it is possible that may happen. You are going through a lot in your life right now. You are about to move to a whole new city and about to start grad school. That could be causing your hormones to go up an down. Causing this lump. But if you think it has changed, I’d be happy to take a look” she says.

I try not to roll my eyes. “Yes, please”.

She pokes around. “Okay so yes you are right. It is definitely different than what I felt last week”. She takes out a little book that has notes and a ruler attached to it. She does a measurement. “Yup. I would think that is cystic. I’m going to need for you to go get an ultrasound. If it is problematic, you will need to get it out. Now that’s going to be very uncomfortable. And then you will need 4-6 weeks recovery time”.

What? What the fuck? How could she say that all like it’s no big deal???

I try not to cry. “I’m leaving for grad school is a week and a half.”

“Right. I’ll get Stacey to schedule an appointment with the hospital for you” Dr. Clarke says and leaves.

My jaw drops. What? What happened to “you’re moving and starting grad school? it’s probably just hormones?”

I breathe in and out. I hear Nurse Stacey calling different hospitals and spelling my last name. She comes in a few minutes later. “The soonest I could get you in was next Tuesday. Make sure when you go, you bring someone with you” she says.

“Okay” I say sighing.

I go back to the car where my mom is waiting. I start crying.

“Oh my god what? What is it? Shaz?”

I tell her everything.

“God help us” she says. “How will you go to Boston now?”

“I don’t know” I say sadly.

When we arrive my dad is in his office, finishing up some work.

“Go” my mom says.

I shake my head. As strong as my dad is, he can’t take news like this. He will act like he can, and then he’ll get sad and keep it all bottled up in side.

“Shaz has the lump a size of a marble. It grew from last week. She needs an ultrasound, the soonest they could get was next week. She has to get it taken out if it’s bad. They will do it right then and there. She will need 4-6 weeks recovery time.”

Yes. Thank you mom.

My dad stays quiet. “Are you serious? They couldn’t get her in sooner? Do they know she is leaving in a week and a half?”

We all stay quiet. And my dog comes and stand next to me. I pet her.

“Yes they do. I don’t know how she can go to Boston if they have to do the procedure” my mom says.

“Oh she won’t be going” my dad says shaking his head.

“What are you talking about? She has to! She has orientation and school” my mom says.

“I think her health is much more important than orientation and school. They will understand a medical emergency” my dad says.

I stand in shock. “Or. Maybe. It’s nothing. And they won’t even have to take it out!” I say piping up.

They stay quiet. So I go outside to get some fresh air. How did this happen to me? Bad things aren’t supposed to happen to good people. Did I mention I have severe anxiety and ADHD?

I hear them talking inside.

“Maybe she shouldn’t go to her dance class today. She should take some rest” my mom says.

“Let her dance! She needs to relax after getting news like this” my dad says.

I laugh to myself. My parents are cute.

“Shaz…” I hear my dad calling from inside. Oh god. I know that tone. He wants to talk about something.

“Oh. There you are. I was looking for you” he says with a cigar in his hand. He stands next to me near the lake.

“Don’t be scared. These things happen” he says.

I hide behind him. Crying is a major sign of weakness in his side of the family.

“I just can’t believe it’s happening now” I sniffle.

life-is-like-a-bookHe laughs. “Welcome to life. The chapters in your book, are not always going to go the way you want them too.” You know I had a lump too right? It was right as I was coming to America. I had two small children. I was the CEO of a company. I had to have it surgically removed. I hurt for 6 weeks, and I survived” he says.

I cry some more. “I’m not as strong as you” I say.

He puts his arm around me. “No. You are stronger”.

“Think about the good things. You don’t have anyone to take care of. And we have good insurance. So if something happens, you can stay with us and we will watch you until you feel better. And our insurance will take care of the procedure. There are many people that don’t even have those luxuries” he says. He’s right.

“I requested next week off. I was requesting off anyway to spend time with you before you go. So if you need anything, I’ll be there” he says.

Well that’s nice. He hasn’t really been able to be there when I had serious health issues in the past.

“And if not. We can watch movies all week!” he says. I laugh.

He goes back inside and I call Yasmeen.

Wallah. This is terrible. We’ll be praying for you” she says.

“If they put a knife or needle in my boob, I ain’t going to school” I say staring out into the lake.

“Oh my god! Stop! Don’t say that. Just hope that it’s good. You had lumps before right?”

“Yea but the doctor would immediately say it’s fine. This is the first time she needs an ultrasound!” I say.

“Okay..well what about cysts? You’ve had a cyst before right? And it went away on it’s own?”

I think back. “Yes. Yes I did. But that one was fine. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as this one” I say.

“Okay. Well 80% of lumps are nothing anyway” she says.

I laugh. She’s right. I go to my dance class. My upper body hurts so much more than usual. I pass out as soon as I get home.

The call from my brother awakes me. “Dad says you have to get something surgically removed?”

“Yes uh well hi to you too” I say. Then I sigh. My brother was always the weaker one of in these situations. He just bought his own place and got a new job. I don’t want to upset him.

“Look it’s fine. It’s most likely nothing. But if it is, they have to take it out” I say.

He seams sad. “I see. Well either way. I know this lump or whatever is pretty uncomfortable for you and mom and dad aren’t coming to help you move in. But I can fly in if you need me” he says. That’s nice of him. I tell him he should. And I go back to sleep.

This morning, I wake up well rested. But aching. I get a phone call from Mr. Photography dude.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asks.

I rub my eyes. “Nothing” I say.

“You know all about the drama with the new executive board right?” he asks.

“Yep” I say.

“Well Yasmeen says I shouldn’t stress you out with it because you have a lot of serious things going on. What does she know that I don’t?”

I feel like he’ll find out anyway. So I tell him.

“Holy shit” he says.

I take out my iPad and look at my snapchat to distract myself. I haven’t been on it lately because of everything going on. I see one of player’s stories. “When you leave yo girl’s house” the caption reads with a 5am filter.

“Oh my god! You’re not gonna believe what player just posted!” I say changing the subject.

“Oh my god Shaz. Stop. He’s probably just messing around. FOCUS. Focus on your issue!” he says.

“Right” I say putting my iPad down.

“When did you meet him anyway?” Mr. Photography dude asks me.

“The first week of school” I say.

He laughs. “I rest my case. You’ll meet someone new the first week in Boston!” he says.

“I might not even be there for the first week” I say.

“No don’t say that!” he says. “Remember what you wrote on your blog last week? About being resilient? Be resilient, woman!”

He’s right. It’s time to be the strongest I have ever been. In this chapter of my book.

xoxo. S.

 

It’s a bad day, not a bad life…

bad dayMy god. What a day yesterday. I had actually been having a great few days before as I told “Prince Player” what I needed to tell him (about the new ADHD treatment) and “Heart” has finally been communicating with me. But the thing is, my lower jaw and a tooth have been aching for weeks. It’s been really hard to get hold of a dentist because of our new insurance. But yesterday, I woke up to even more pain and a migraine. So I finally found one and went to see him.

As it turns out, I have an ingrown wisdom tooth. The dentist wanted to perform an emergency extraction and I was okay with that. However, my parents were not. They said there is no way I will heal in time as I have my Chem final on Thursday and we have a 26 hour flight to India on Friday.

Holy. Crap. Why does everything ALWAYS happen to me at once? How am I supposed to take a two hour exam and travel half way across the world with this pain? For some reason, I wanted to immediately talk to “Heart” or really anyone but I just told myself to forget it. I just cried all day about my untreated toothache and continued studying for Chem.

My parents say I can get it out once we get back in two weeks. Or in India if it’s “that big of a deal”. But really. Two weeks of this pain 😦

Later last night, I overheard my mom tell my dad how crazy I am and how my new ADHD treatment is just making me crazier. It made me even more sad. When did she become like the rest of society?

A teardrop ran down my face.

Imagine the look on her face when she saw me in the doorway as I heard the whole thing. She gasped when she realized.

“Don’t” I said.

A few weeks ago “Prince Player” and I were conversing and he said “Man it sucks being us.” At the time I shrugged it off and sent him an inspirational quote about how God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. I thought about it yesterday. But, even my own positivity just couldn’t help me.

So I told myself, it’s a bad day…not a bad life.

xoxo. S.

The Heart Around My Neck

My necklace.

I lost it. OMG. I knew the day that I lost my heart necklace all hell would break loose. I must have left it on the dresser in the hotel I stayed at in New York.

This necklace, that my mom gave to me last year is very special to me. It has two hearts, one little one and one big one. The little heart says “be brave” and the big heart says “love life, live in the moment”. I hated that necklace at first, I almost returned it. But during that awful time in my life last year with the learning disability, “Prince Player”, and moving- it has stayed with me. I would hold my necklace everyday and tell myself, “be brave”. To me, the big heart was my mom and the little heart was me.

And today I noticed it was gone.

Things are not going well already. I waited and waited for a text from “Heart” as Tuesdays are our day, but “Heart” finally texted saying he can’t see me today. And then, I decided to follow up with my internship recruiter as I haven’t heard anything in over a month. As it turned out, I had gotten the internship- but I never responded to my acceptance notification. I NEVER GOT AN ACCEPTANCE NOTIFICATION. I tried explaining this to them, but they said training for the internship has passed and they can no longer accept me 😦

I feel so incomplete. I want the heart around my neck back.

xoxo. S.

Something’s Gotta Give (a.k.a. The Lump)

I am very sorry I couldn’t think of a sexier title reader.

But, I ain’t joking. I’m finally ready to tell you guys what happened this past Monday morning.

So Monday morning, I was getting ready to fly back to Chicago. After I got out of the shower and started getting dressed, I felt sore in my underarm. I felt around it, and holy shit I FOUND A LUMP! I screamed bloody murder, wrapped a towel around myself, and ran up half naked to my mother. I explained the situation and she felt it, and she agreed. She told my dad and he told us to book an appointment with the doctor right away. But as I explained in Coming Back to Reality (Weekend Musings!), my flight was leaving in three hours and there was no way to get an appointment. So they told me to call the health clinic at my school and make an appointment there.

Can you imagine me on the phone reader? The receptionist asked what I needed to be seen for. I ruled out all serious illnesses as I’m only 20 and just awkwardly said…. “Um. I discovered a lump in my armpit”. Lol, I didn’t have the class to say underarm. And then, the second I said that, the receptionist responded “Oh goodness, we will try to get you in as soon as possible. Please come in tomorrow morning”. Well that didn’t help me rest assured.

But finally, Tuesday morning arrived. The first part of my day started out with me bumping into “Heart”, had this been two weeks ago- I would have told him about what I was heading to. But I just made a casual funny conversation with him and smiled my biggest fake smile as I nervously walked on to the clinic.

I layed in the doctor’s office for about 45 minutes, when finally Dr. Wilson walked in. She is the sassiest doctor I have ever met let me tell you. She looked at her chart and said, “Miss Shaz! (HOW DID SHE KNOW MY NICKNAME IS SHAZ?) Welcome, welcome, sweetheart. You are so beautiful! Where are you from?” I engaged in her small talk and then she told me to take my shirt off.

So I sat there in my bra, raised my arm over my head and posed like a Victoria’s Secret model as she poked around. It hurt like hell and I said “Ow. Ow. Ow.”

And then she stopped. And she told me- “It’s a swollen gland. Have you had any serious fevers or stress lately?” I said yes to the stress. She said that is the reason, and told me to take the antibiotics she prescribed and put warm compress on it daily.

dear godCan you believe it reader? I was so stressed that I let it affect my health! I feel so guilty. If I could just calm myself and get over my family’s move, “Heart” breaking up with me, and failing chemistry- my health could be better! True- I didn’t make the lump appear, it was my body’s reaction, but ugh. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse. This explains why I woke up last week looking pale. The doctor had explained my body is fighting off something serious.

Serious stress. Jeez 😦 Did I tell you guys I saw Heart with some other chick today? How funny is it that I am suffering more serious things than that and that’s the only thing I can think about? Something’s gotta give and February needs to end ASAP.

xoxo. S.

“New Day”

I could stand in this shower,

for an hour.

 

I just want a helping hand,

for the things I can’t stand.

 

But today is a new day,

I know the pain will go away.

 

I’ve been waiting so long,

everyone tells me to be strong.

 

The world thinks I have it all,

but they don’t understand how often I fall.

 

I will see a light,

in the mist of all the darkness.

 

I will allow the water

to wash away my tears

and drain my fears.

 

Because today is a new day.

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