My 23rd birthday, finals, and then some

For as long as I have been alive, I rarely had school on my birthday. And never have I ever had a final on my birthday. Falling only a few days before Christmas, it was never a possibility. Well. Until now. Hooray grad school!

On my 23rd birthday I had my hardest final. Epidemiology and Biostatistics. And the day after that, I had my second hardest…Law :0

At least thinks between me and “K” were good. Since our last fiasco, “K” really improved. He began texting everyday, even if it was just to say “Good morning beautiful”. I would wake up happy. So I was able to concentrate on everything again.

I spent all weekend reviewing for the finals. And then, Monday came. It didn’t even feel like a birthday.

Bright and early in the morning, I got a lovely text. From “K” ❤

“Happy birthday beautiful. Kill that exam. You’re so special I could write a whole paragraph. But why do that when I can say it all to you? Reservations tomorrow at (insert one of the best restaurant in Boston!) 9:00. I’ll pick you up. See you then.”

I smile and get out of bed. Other friends begin to text nice wishes. I get dressed and run to Starbucks. While at Starbucks, it’s “Prince Player’s” turn. He says happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here to celebrate with me. Aw.

My classmates wish me as well. One of them even texted “For your birthday I got you cold weather and one of the toughest finals! No take-backs”. Oh I loved the sympathy ❤

I grab my coffee and turn my phone off. It was time to use the last two hours I had before the exam to study! When it’s time to head out, I do a quick prayer and make it a wish to pass this class.

An hour later, I begin the exam- and I know shit. Absolutely nada. Oh. My. God. Whatever I studied, was definitely not on there! Oh no. I tried my best and after 3 hours, I was done.

So I commute back home and grab Qdoba and a chocolate cake. Hey, “K” was taking me out the next day anyway so I could celebrate for reals then. I quickly eat and begin to study for my next exam. Law. My second hardest. I study and study and around midnight I decide it’s time to call it a day.

When I arrive at the testing center, I continue to go through my flashcards. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But I go in, and holy moly. I KNOW EVERYTHING! I finished it in one hour!

Phew. At least that made me feel better. And at last, it was finally time to celebrate my birthday!

First, I decide to take a quick nap since the exam was so early in the morning. Then I shower and do my nails. “K” tells me he’s on his way. Good. I put on my dress and heels. An hour later, he arrives.

He smiles at me. “Happy birthday, you look beautiful”.

“Thanks” I say holding his hands in mine.

In the car he plays a beautiful song. I look at him and smile.

It’s “Happy Birthday” by Kygo and John Legend.

“Beautiful, beautiful, no other name
I knew from the moment you came
I’ve seen in your eyes the dawn of a day
Where nothing will ever be the same”

“Ooh, I wanna dance with you
Ooh, I’ll promise to stand for you
I’ll do anything for you
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Tonight, my love all I want
I wanna sing for you
Yeah, I’ll sing for you
Happy birthday, baby
Happy birthday to you”

We have always bonded over music. And he always chooses the right song. I lean back into my seat and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. My first birthday where I’m not single.

We arrive at the restaurant and it is very fancy. There are ceiling to floor glass windows with a view of the skyline, and the hostess knows exactly where to take us when “K” says his name.

Oooo. Wow.

We sit down and “K” orders us the wine we had on our first date. He lets me order filet minion and it is delicious.

15894868_971331169669386_1582989894823656681_nI love it. And I like him so much. But my stomach churns. I start thinking a million thoughts. I’m sad to leave him for a month. I’m going to get a lot of crap about this from my Mom when I go home. And why am I thinking about “Prince Player”? I wish I was sitting in a restaurant like this with “Prince Player”. My eyes widen when I realize I just though that.

“You okay?” “K” asks.

I snap out of it. I hold his hand, “Yea this view is just amazing baby.”

He nods. And we are ready for the check. I peak at it. Holy moly. It’s over a $100!! Jesus. This one must really like me.

We head out and reach my place. Everything is great and lovely, and after an hour, “K” has to leave. When “K” clearly told me that on my birthday, he would stay with me for a while.

It must have been something I did or said.

“What’s your deal?” I ask.

“What’s your deal?” he asks.

I go over to him.

He says something that I don’t like him mentioning. I look down. Of course. That’s why he’s leaving so soon. He’s upset.

But he hugs me. And says bye.

I’m so confused.

No wonder why I never had a boyfriend during my birthday, I didn’t want them to ruin it!!

How can we leave each other like this? Winter break was going to be weird.

But at last, after a week and a half of ignoring each other. I finally spoke to him. And we had another disagreement. Although, we told each other we would take some time to ourselves to think about our relationship and hopefully reconcile when we see each other in person again, we continued texting each other and things have been better.

Which is good because things were about to get really ugly.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

The Trials of Love

(also known as Dating Part 8, continued from Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries) Just look at this spin-off series.

I wake up Thursday feeling miserable. I have this issue with “K”, law class, and a keynote to practice for. I have a broken phone, and also, no cute outfit to wear for my keynote.

I prioritize. First, I tell myself that “K” has told me we are going out tomorrow and I won’t have to think about that until tomorrow when my speech ends. Okay great. Next, I go to law class. Done. Then, I go to this person I found on Yelp to get my phone fixed. $75 gone out of my pocket, but I have my phone back. Okay done. Then, I call an Uber and go to Macy’s.

Alright. So that begins the dress shopping issue. Why is it. That. There are not enough choices for petite girls?? I try on dresses for THREE HOURS. And I have an incredibly hard time. The employees are just as exhausted as I am, wanting to go home after a long day. So finally, as I was about to give up. I find a cute little dress!

Okay great. It’s 9:30. So I come back home and begin practicing. But I’m dead tired and still have homework to do, so I finish my homework and go to sleep. I promise myself I will wake up early in the morning and practice my speech.

So I do. I wake up nervous, but excited. I’m making a keynote for goodness sake.

I Facetime with my mom and practice. I snap some pictures to “K”, but he doesn’t respond a lot. So I go to class. In class, my whole cohort is aware I’m making the speech and they let me practice with them and all of them wish me good luck ❤

Finally, after class, it is show time. I put on my cute dress, pumps, and perfume.

I look out in the crowd and I panic. So many people. To add even more pressure, the two performances before me get standing ovations.

Fuck. Finally it’s my turn. The organizers hug me and tell me I got this. I think about the mandatory workshops and speech training I went to for this and what a big honor this is.

And I give that speech.

No standing ovation, but hey, I think I did pretty damn good for a girl with ADHD and anxiety. And I did get lots of applause and compliments.

All I want to do now is lay in K’s arms.

But it is 9:00. And I have no word from K.

I call him. It goes to voicemail.

What the fuck. Finally, I get a call from him. 30 minutes later.

“Hey….” he begins.img_1282

“Hey what’s going on?” I ask.

“I’m so sorry. I had to do something for my dad. Are you mad?” he says.

“Oh. Um. No. I’m not mad. Can you still come and see me?” I ask.

“I mean yea but it will be like 1:00 by the time I get around there and it’s raining” he says.

He’s right. It is pouring like crazy. It’s not a good night to go out anyway.

“I see. Um okay. Well this is really complicated” I say.

He laughs. “You know how busy I am. You knew what you were getting into” he says.

I don’t believe this. No I didn’t! He never warned me about this before we began dating, i was me that warned him saying that dating me is “like walking on eggshells”. But he didn’t care. No wonder because he is the one messing up, not me.

I roll my eyes. “Do you just want to do tomorrow then?” I ask.

“Yea. We can do lunch and nap afterwords!” he says as if he was hoping for me to suggest it.

I laugh. “Yea that sounds good”.

“Shahz…I’m going to Cancun next week” he says.

“Uh huh yea you told me. About all those women you’ll be around. I’m not nervous” I say unsure why he’s bringing it up again.

“You’re not?” he asks. What the fuck. Why is he asking this again? This is the same guy that said “I don’t think I’ll ever be with someone as good as you. I want to be with you” a week ago.

“No…should I be?” I ask.

“You really need to hold your liquor. God Wednesday night” he says changing the subject.

Goodness. He ignores my question and says that. I am so confused. Is he mad at me? MISERY #4.

We continue talking, confirm the plan, and say goodnight. I’m not in the best mood anyway because of my speech and all the rain, but I am a little disappointed. I take off my heels and dress.

I wake up the next morning excited. Still raining but oh well. I shower and get dressed. The clock strikes the time he is supposed to be here and I receive a text. Not an “I’m here text” but a “Hey babe! Can we reschedule to 9”? text. MISERY #5.

Okay like I know he’s busy.

So I change out of my dress and go work out. I try to do some homework. I take my own nap.

And I begin getting ready again. I’m all dolled up by 8:30. And I wait. And I wait. I send him a snap. When he doesn’t open that and it is 10:00, I call him, it goes to voicemail.

You have got to be kidding me. 2 strikes. MISERY #6.

img_0190So I order a pizza and watch The Good Wife and go to bed. On Sunday, the last day of my weekend, I wake up to no explanation from him.

I hope that he will send me a long apology text and show up at my doorstep like he did the last time he had two strikes.

But my intuition tells me that won’t happen.

When he continues not to say a word and it begins distracting me, I send him a text.

My phone blows up with three messages an hour later.

“I messed up”.

“I’m sorry”.

“Mental breakdowns on repeat”.

Ah and there it is. He could have just told me. Does he know what’s like to sit in your outfit, makeup, and heels waiting 3 times in a row? But I’ve had these breakdowns before and know what it’s like. You don’t want to talk to anyone during this time.

unnamedSo I tell him,”It’s okay. Take your time love.”

Even though. Something. Is. Definitely. Not. Okay. Here.

That is our last bit of communication. We don’t talk after that or anything today. I have a feeling we won’t talk for a while.

And so now begins the trials of love.

Can I really do this?

Do I really want to do this?

xoxo. S.

Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries)

(also known as Dating Part 7)

By the time “K” left, it was 3 am. A six hour date. Wow, that’s one for the books. “K” told me I should always text him, even if I’m just thinking of him.

So on Sunday morning, I do just that. We tell each other we miss each other already. “K” suggests he come see me that night. Whoa, it’s been less than 24 hours. And I have to do a coding assignment for class anyway. I tell him we should wait. It’s too soon, and the coding assignment took 9 hours! He seems upset, I am too. He ignores me.

But then on Monday, I get two exciting news that I share with him. One is that my presentation I was nervous about? I got an A+ and….the Professor loved it so much she wants to share it with the Dean and possibly  all of the university!!!! “K” tells me he is proud of me and I deserve it. And that I shouldn’t have been nervous at all. As if things could not get any better, I find out that I won a speech writing contest in our program and was asked to make the KEYNOTE :0 This past Friday. Holy moly, I was on fire.

So on Monday, we are both in great moods. “K” suggests we go out again on Tuesday or Wednesday. I pick Wednesday on account of I have a group project on Tuesday. Thank goodness I did that, that group project took all night :0

So Wednesday comes and I am super excited. I am running errands all over the place, handling multiple things at once when I…drop my iPhone (MISERY 1). I hold in my breath and pick it up. Fuck. It is broken. I have dropped my phone like 100 times, it never broke, till now. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I try using it, it works but the shattered glass cuts my finger. Okay that’s not safe. I use my iPad and text “K” and my parents. “K” laughs and says I should take it to Apple. He is an app developer and thinks he knows everything about iPhones (he kind of does for the most part). But from my experience, all Apple does is make me broke. So I research some repair shops. And I find one. I make an appointment for Thursday.

Okay so Wednesday. I get ready, my mom asks if I’m watching the debate. Shoot, I was so excited for the date, I forgot! Oh well. (Thanks for updating me Paul!) I put on my black pencil dress and nude heels.”K” calls saying he will be a little late so I watch a little bit of it. Finally, 30 minutes later he shows up.

I see him in my lobby. Wait what? Why isn’t he outside in his car waiting for me?

He hugs me, “Wow you look amazing”.

I raise my eyebrows as I hug him back. “I thought we were going out”.

“Yea we are. Um. But can we just go up and talk first?” he asks.

For some reason, I’m thinking “K” is saying that because he missed me  and wants to be in private for a bit.

“We can do that later” I say laughing.

“No we really need to talk. 20 minutes” he says.

And again for some reason, I don’t pick up that he needs to literally “talk” to me.

Because as soon as we get back to my place. He sits down. And says. “I got a big offer in San Francisco” (MISERY 2).

I feel my entire world collapse. I get off his lap.

“What?” I ask.

“This company. Offered us a big deal to buy my company and work with me. It’s a pretty big offer. Lots of money”.

I think I’m about to puke.

“How about a ‘congratulations’ Shahz?”

I swallow. “Congratulations baby. I’m proud of you”.

“Oh my god Shahz don’t cry. I have this thing if people start crying I begin crying too!”

I still stand facing the door.

“Hey come here” he says.

I walk away instead. “K. You know we connected this past week. And after all that. You’re leaving!”

“Have you heard of a thing called long distance relationship , Shahz?”

I laugh “No way. I’m not good with that”.

He pulls me back onto his lap. “Look Shahz. I haven’t accepted it yet. I’m still thinking about it. There are a lot of reasons for me to stay here. My family is here…and a lot of other people who are important to me are here” he says looking into my eyes.

This leads to him kissing me. And me kissing him.

“Are you going to say no to the San Fransisco offer now?” I ask laughing.

“Mmmm what’s San Fransisco again?” he asks with his nose touching mine.

He asks if I still want to go out, I say yes considering I need a drink after what he told me. We drive their in silence.

He makes a comment about it. I hold his hand and squeeze it.

When we get to the bar, we order beers and talk. He finishes his quickly. I only have half, and I am tipsy.

“Shahz really? You’re not going to finish it?”

I don’t know if he said that because I wasted his money or because I can’t handle liquor well” :0

I shrug. I bring up the fact that our relationship seems to be getting serious, and he…brings up the fact that we should consider taking our intimacy to the next level (MISERY 3).

14681805_914754628660374_3608875807356949159_nI suddenly become un-drunk. “I told you I don’t do that… plus we just met” I say.

“Yes and I understand. But you also just said we are about to be in a serious relationship and I think that is a part of a serious relationship” he says.

I put my face in my hands. “God I didn’t expect us to get this far. I didn’t even want to go out with you at first remember?” I say.

“Oh so now you’re saying you didn’t want all this?” he says.

I grab his arm. “No no no. That’s not what I’m saying. But you’re moving to San Fransisco and-“.

“Can you stop saying that? It isn’t even official yet!” he says.

I swallow. And nod.

“We should go” he says.

He puts his arm around me and we walk out. But I feel he is mad at me. But he kisses me on the cheek outside. I still think he’s mad at me.

He drives me back home. We are silent again. He points it out.

I sigh. “It seems we’re different” I say.

“Yea…”he says.

We get to my place and although we were planning to hang out, he says. “Babe, I think I’ll just leave it here. You obviously have a lot of thinking to do”.

But me, being so scared of being alone, plead with him to stay. So he parks his car and comes up.

“I should get going…” he says after a short while. “I have to drive back and don’t want it to be too late” he says.

I pull him closer. “Just spend the night. You’re tired. You shouldn’t have to drive another hour”.

He kisses my cheek. “It’s tempting. But I have to wake up early in the morning though. But hey. How about Friday? We can go out and come back here and have that sleepover” he says.

I smile. That would be a nice way to celebrate (or mope over) my keynote speech.

“Sounds good.”

He grabs his jacket. “Think about everything I said okay?”

I nod. Little did I know, there was going to be a lot of thinking 😦

xoxo. S.

Third Time’s A Charm

(Also Known as “Dating Part 6”)

So after being stood up by “K” twice, I knew he must have one hell of an awesome date planned for us. Boy he did.

When 9:00 came and I got no notification he was here, I panicked. But at last, at 9:03, I got the call that he was outside.

And there he was outside waiting for me in his car.

I smile and get in his car, “Hey” I say.

His jaw drops. “Oh my god. Hi. Can I just” he hugs me “touch you to make sure you’re real”.

I burst out laughing.

One of our friends introduced us to each other and we haven’t seen each other in person till now.

I put on my seat belt. “Where we going?”

“I ‘m taking you to this French bar that has the most amazing wine” he says pulling out of my street.

“Sounds good” I say.

We instantly connect and talk about lots of things.

When we get to the bar, we sit down and he orders us both a glass of Pinot Noir.

As we wait, he can’t stop staring at me.

“You look like a (insert my full name that means Princess) right now”.

I smile.

“Your lips, just fall perfectly on your face” he says.

I laugh.

“God when you laugh, you look like a million bucks babe” he says.

I smile.

We talk and we talk. We connect so much I tell him about my ADHD.

He is surprisingly very understanding.

“That’s part of the reason I freaked out when you didn’t answer my messages” I say.

“That will never happen again. I promise” he says.

So he explains he was having a mental breakdown, his company’s server crashed and the car accident all messed up his mind.

“Like I was sitting there. Looking at my server. With my phone in one hand opening all your snaps. And I was like “should I respond? should I?” but I was freaking out Shahz” he says.

I shrug. “You could have just told me. I have a mental breakdown every other day” I say.

“See. Well now I know you have ADHD and you would understand. At the time I was so embarrassed” he says.

As we continue to connect, we talk about how he is younger than me.

“Oh my god. I am a cougar!” I say.

“If you’re a cougar, I’ll be your cub. But you’re only like a year or so older so we don’t qualify” K says laughing.

He continues making jokes and I feel all this blood rush up my cheeks.

“You are blushing so much right now” K says.

I look away and smile. It is very hard to make me blush because of my skin tone but he knows how to do it.

After the wine, I get hungry. So “K” asks for the check and pays. We decide we will walk and find a place. “K” holds my hand as we walk.

The only place that looks open in P.F Changs. “That’s my dad’s favorite restaurant. We go there every time we have to celebrate something” I say laughing.

“K” looks at me. “You wanna go there?” he asks.

Wow. P.F Changs for a first date. I think my dad would love him.

So we go to P.F Changs and the hostess gives us a gigantic booth. We sit on opposite sides and “K” looks at me for one second when he says, “I can’t sit this far away from you”. I laugh.

I order my favorite, honey chicken.

As we wait for our food. “K” and I talk about our families. He has a crazier family than mine. I didn’t even know that is possible. Finally, he wants to know about my family.

Fuck.

I don’t normally tell a guy about my parents on our first date (let alone ever), but “K” seems like he wants to be in a serious relationship with me. And if that’s the case, he should know.

I hold his hand for support. He holds it back.

And I tell him.

He doesn’t even flinch. And is very understanding.

“So that’s why I’m scared of serious relationships” I say.

He looks into my eyes. “I’d never do that to you, Shahz” he says.

“I know you wouldn’t” I say smiling.

Our food arrives and we eat and continue talking.

When we’re done. The waitress asks if we would like dessert. He gestures to me.

“Um yes” I say.

“Great, I’ll bring you the menu” the waitress says.

I look at “K”. “Am I making you broke right now? I don’t have to have dessert” I say.

He shakes his head and kisses me on the cheek. “No I want you to have what you want”.

I could just collapse ❤

So I order the cheesecake and we split it.

At one point, he take the fork with cheesecake and puts it in my mouth. Oh my gosh. I have never been so romanticized. “I think we need the check” I say as I feel myself blushing harder.

“Yea, you’re right” K says laughing.

I reflect on what an amazing night I just had. I felt like a Queen. Could this really be it? Is it12553016_753650241437481_251180493271500687_n good for me to have a relationship right now? I’m studying for my Master’s and I don’t want it to be a distraction.

Our fortune cookies arrive.

“Oh my god, I wonder what these could possibly say” I say laughing.

I open mine and burst out laughing.

“What?” K asks.

“Don’t mistake your next opportunity as a distraction” I say laughing hard.

“You see?” K says.

“Yea. That will be a story to tell our kids. Open yours!” I say.

He does and takes one look and closes his eyes and laughs.

“Oh my god what?” I ask.

“You are in for a long journey with a friend” he says.

We both laugh and head out. He takes me for a drive around the city. When it’s time to say goodbye, a weirdly good song is playing in his car.

I ask him what it is.

“You like it?” he asks smiling.

“No” I say lieing.

“It’s ‘I see fire’ by Ed Sheeran. I only have it because it’s from Lord of the Rings” he says.

“Do you see fire in me?” I ask.

He smiles and nods.

And then he kisses me. And then that kiss turns into another. And then three. And then 4. And then 100.

Many songs with the most appropriate lyrics play.

And then “All of Me” by John Legend starts playing.

“Ugh. Now it’s that one song that reminds everyone about their past relationships” K says.

I laugh and look at him. “Or…a new one” I say.

He kisses my hand.

Yes. I’d like to hope. This is it. And third time’s a charm.

But maybe. Not.

xoxo. S.