Back in Action

Readers, did you notice something? I have been posting every day since my blogiversary. And I expect to continue doing so until I get a job! Blogging again has made me remember how much many of you want to read my words and how much I love connecting with all of you.

Today, I’d like to share the poem that has been keeping me going these past few months. It is from the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, Harold Bloomfield, and Peter McWilliams. I highly recommend it if you ever lose someone or something important to you.

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xoxo. S.

Just, Release (My Third Week of Senior Year)

I see his face, he looks at me. I run and I run and I run after him. But he’s gone….

My alarm for brunch with friends go off. Crap, it was only a dream.

This has been a mad week. And it had nothing to do with player. After he left Monday night, I finished my paper and brushed up my lesson plan for the next day. On Tuesday, I was exhausted from the night before. But again I stayed up to do homework and study for my Microbio quiz. On Wednesday I had classes all day and went to volunteer. Finally, I got a chance to sleep fully on Wednesday night since I only have one class on Thursday and it doesn’t start until late afternoon.

I wake up on Thursday feeling good. It felt good to be well rested for once. I even debate texting player. I hold my phone and start typing, but I stop. Player crossed a line that night. He made me feel small. Just for saying that I like him. Which I slowly realized, I don’t- I like being with him. Or something. No way was I going to apologize for being a loving woman. So instead, I start typing up emails and sending Facebook reminders for my club’s Night Out event that was yesterday.

In the middle of writing a reminder email to Harris, (my President, betrayer, and Heart’s best friend), I see a big text pop up on my phone. My heart stops. It’s player!!! Christ, can he read my mind from a distance or something :0

He apologizes, and explains that he just knew I liked him and was tired of me hiding my feelings and making him look like the bad guy.

Oy ve, player. There were so many things wrong with his sentence. 1) What part of me saying “I like you” was hiding my feelings? 2.) When did I make him look like the bad guy? Only freshman year. Not recently. I am grown now and know that me making him look like the bad guy only makes me look worse.

There’s a hundred things I want to tell him, but I just keep quite because I don’t want to start another fiasco between us. I apologize back and say I didn’t mean anything I said that night. I don’t apologize because I have feelings for him, I apologize becuase I said I had feelings for him because that’s what started this. He says he didn’t mean anything either (although his words still hurts and for some reason I think he did mean it) and that he just knows nothing will ever end well between us and he just needs to release himself

Just. Just. Just. I am a writer, and sometimes, when a word is constantly repeated, it feels like someone is pricking me with a needle for heaven’s sake.
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He stops responding and I get ready for class. Yesterday was the day of my event. After I made a few confirmation calls, I put on my best little black dress and went to get some coffee. Who do I see in the student center, “Heart” and his flirty treasurer. Ugh. What are they doing here? I walk the other way. I can play dirty politics, but now- is not the time.

Later when I go meet my club at the train station, everyone is hugging me and kissing my cheeks. “You look good” Harris tells me for the first time as he hugs me. I give him a smirk. He looks great as usual, but after what “Heart” told me, I can’t trust him. Harris and I talk a lot as the event goes on. When we are on our way to the Hookah Lounge, he even says “Hey guys! Shahz and I are going to the strip club and we will meet you guys at the hookah place!” My jaw drops and everyone laughs.

“I’m not that kind of girl” I tell him batting my eyelashes.

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts” he says flirtatiously.

****”WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH THE ENEMY?” Mr. Photography dude asks me at brunch this morning.

Oh no. Hell no. No way will I go after Harris…

Harris and I talk throughout the night. We dance, we sing, he smokes (I watch). He’s hilarious, he’s protective,he’s-

Wait what. He almost took “Heart” away from me. What am I doing mingling with him??? I confront him about it, but he swears he would never hurt me. I keep my distance from him, hours later when he sees me leaving, he hugs me goodbye. “Be good” I whisper to him. He smiles at me.

At brunch, I tell Mr. Photography dude about my dream when the others talk amongst themselves.

“First, I had a dream he was in the hospital and that I found out through Snapchat! So when I woke up, I looked at my snapchat and didn’t have any from so you know I figured that was just a dream. Then, I went back to sleep and I had a dream that I saw him on the street. And I just kept running and running and running after him! And then he disappeared-”

“Wow, the hookah must have really gotten to your head” he says laughing.

I shake my head and glare at him, “I didn’t smoke any….”

“Yea but you must have had second-hand exposure if you were sitting so close to Harris….” he says.

Oh good heavens.

We look up what the dream about player means. The second dream. “To dream that you are running towards someone refers to your willingness to confront the situation with that person head on.”

He smiles.

bridget jonesI was really stupid Monday night. I don’t like him. I mean I do, but not in the way I said it… Anyways, I had dreams about “Heart” and Harris too.

Why are these three always in my dreams. Someone is lying to me and hiding things from me. It is “Heart”. It is “Harris”. It is even “Prince Player”.

When will I be strong enough…to just, release?

xoxo. S.

“ADHD and Heartbreak”

ADHD and heartbreak is not a fun combination.

It’s what keeps you up at night,
tossing and turning
waiting for that hopeful text.

It’s what makes you wake up
bright and early every day,
wondering if that day will be the day
you can finally see them and say “hey”.

It’s all you think about,
people around you talk
but you hear nothing.

It’s the only thing you can write about,
you write thousands of words and
throw away hundreds of drafts.

It’s a box of letters hidden under your bed,
you know they’ll never read them.

It’s dialing their number on the phone,
and then hanging up
because you don’t know what to say.

It’s what makes you turn off the radio,
because every song is about them.

It’s what makes you stare at the ceiling
after a long day
and wonder what went wrong.

It’s blaming yourself,
even though it’s not your fault.

It’s what makes you stop reading
your novel,
and question
“Where’s my happy ending?”

It’s feeling happy one moment,
and then crying the next
because they’re not
there to celebrate with you.

But mostly,
it’s that empty space in your heart.

They’re the only thing that’s missing.

ADHD and heartbreak is not a fun combination.

cropped-c16bdca9cff78eaa544147ecad9492cc1.jpeg ©Copyright 2014 by Shaz at For The Love Of Sass
All rights reserved.

Yes we broke up, yes I’m still smiling

Everyone’s asking,

How I’m smiling even though the love of my life, “Heart”, just totally broke my heart.

To answer their question:

a) I’m not really smiling. My pillow is stained with my tears every single night, and I almost ran out of lab today. It’s unbearable and hard to concentrate. I’m faking all the happiness I show on the outside. I know that if I cry, I won’t stop and I will make a scene.

b) He would want me to smile. Every time I was upset, he used to say “SMILE PRINCESS! I don’t want you to be unhappy!”

aint that the truthc) It’s simple. He made me so happy these past few months, that it’s hard for me to be sad. I just think of every single moment we shared together- and smile. And I could tell it was hard for him to leave me, I could tell he didn’t want to do it, I can tell he loves me. Just knowing that he will miss me as much as I miss him, is enough for me.

But you see, this is good and bad.

With guys that cheat on me and have a pathetic excuse to leave me…it’s easy to be sad. It’s easy to hate them, forget them, and move on.

But “Heart”? He was the most loyal lover I have ever had. He came into my life during a time I was so down. He came out of no where and lifted me. He has inspired me like no other. He changed my life and made me a better person. And for that, I am humbled. It is so incredibly difficult to forget and move on from someone that gave me so much to remember.

xoxo. S.

Song of the Week: “Red” by Taylor Swift

Oh reader.

After dedicating a bunch of loving Taylor Swift songs to “him” in It’s a Love Story, Baby Just Say Yes! I never thought I’d have to dedicate this one :/

Sigh, as much as I tried to make a poem out of this beautiful song Taylor made, I couldn’t. She wrote and sung each word perfectly, and I couldn’t have wrote it any better. Loving him was red 😦

Lyrics: “Red”

[Verse 1:]
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

[Chorus:]
Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all along
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

[Verse 2:]
Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

[Chorus:]
Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all along
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Oh, red
Burning red

[Bridge:]
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
Burning red
Loving him was red

[Chorus:]
Oh, losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all along
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
‘Cause loving him was red
Yeah, yeah, red
We’re burning red

[Post-Chorus:]
And that’s why he’s spinnin’ ’round in my head
Comes back to me, burning red
Yeah, yeah

His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Source: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/taylorswift/red.html