Rejection

A month ago, my life was great. I had two companies fighting for me, a guy that I had been deeply missing visiting me, and a set of plans as to what to do after graduation.

I don’t really have anything now.

I was sitting in a review session yesterday, excited out of my mind to take my last EVER final. And I got this email I didn’t expect. “While we were impressed with your background, we decided to go in a different direction…”

My eyes widened. That was the company I had a FOURTH interview with. I had banked on working for them, staying in Boston forever. My. dream. job.

My eyes well up in the classroom. I swallow. I text my dad the email.

And he makes me smile.

Alexander-Graham-Bell-Quotes-2“Don’t worry too much about this. Your grandfather once told me this quote. *When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us*. 

He was right. There is a company who has shown interest in me that I have been ignoring and I think I will give them a shot.

I also started to think about my love dilemma.

It was applicable there too. I focused too much on my “closed door” (Prince Player) that I failed to see the open door (Scientist). And I don’t think I can ever get Scientist back.

But as my dad said after we talked for a bit, “You learned. And that’s what’s important”.

Indeed.

xoxo. S.

Advertisements

All Along It Was A Fever

I didn’t get it, I was literally just telling “Prince Player” when he asked how things were going despite my health that I was doing so well and feeling fine . 

….continued from My Trapeze Swings

So there I was all happy after meeting with the Director on Friday, ready for my weekend. Watching my state’s team play in the Superbowl. The viewing party I went to was fun! But at one moment, I felt unusually exhausted.

“Shaz, go home” my friends said thinking it was my liver. I thought it was that too… I went home and watched the rest of the Superbowl and “This is Us” and cried a lot.

Monday was fine. I felt energized. But that night, at around 4am I woke up in the middle of my sleep. My throat had a very uncomfortable feeling- I was gasping for air. I had a big day the next morning so I made myself go back to sleep.

But Tuesday morning I woke up sneezing. Water coming out of my eyes. My nose stuffed. Coughing. Sneezing. But I have a meeting with an Alumni who is Mayor of her city! I go to the event and feel uncomfortable. I come back home after the meeting and take a nap before going to night class. I almost slept through class, I was so exhausted and didn’t know why! When I wake up I go and buy coffee to comfort my throat and keep me awake through three hours of accounting night class. Throughout the whole class, I sit uncomfortably blowing my nose. When I get home, I drink some soup. I get into bed, but the next 12 hours of night- I toss and turn. I DID NOT SLEEP. When the clock said 7:30, I told myself there was no use sleeping and decided to get some Starbucks. Starbucks was the only thing that was easy for me to swallow, I could actually taste, and was comforting. I lay back in bed after drinking my coffee. I sound funny. I look terrible. I feel terrible. I tell my Health Accounting study group I’ll have to join our meeting via Facetime. They allow, but I am able to concentrate very little and excuse myself when I start feeling nauseous. I really feel terrible like I can’t breathe. I quickly go and run myself a warm bath, I put the water on the highest it could go- it doesn’t even feel hot. (I would later learn it was because my body temperature was high from fever during that time!) I sit in the bath and it gives me an immense amount of comfort. As soon as I get out, I feel terrible again. I try to go to sleep. Again, my body is having fits- I jump out of bed every five minutes coughing or blowing my nose.

Thursday morning. I wake up just an hour before my class. I feel miserable. My face looks dry, pale. My body is in pain. And the worst, I feel confused. I forget my zipcode!!

I call my mom. “Ma. I’m not going to class, I’m going to the clinic”. She agrees, “Okay sweetie”. I email my Professor. This is the first time in my graduate school career I am missing a class! She is understanding and tells me to “please feel better”. I hate being absent, but what I would hate more- is to be spread my illness to all my public health colleagues who needs to serve others! And of course, not being able to concentrate in class.

I quickly get dressed, covering myself as much as possible for the cold weather. I call an Uber. I’m not in the mood to talk as I have no voice but the driver keeps speaking to me.

“So Public Health huh. So what’s that? Like you gonna be a doctor?”

Sigh for the 100th time.

“No. Doctors treat the disease. We prevent the disease” I say.

“Like how?” he asks.

“Through things like education and vaccines” I say.

“Oh yea? I’m anti-vaccine”. DUN DUN DUN. Every public health practicioners worst nightmare.

“You got the flu shot didn’t you? You got sick because you got the flu shot” he says.

My jaw drops.

“Excuse me. The only reason why I am not sicker than I am right now, is BECAUSE I got the flu shot!” I say.

He goes into a lecture about how he disagrees and all his life he wasn’t sick and the only time he got sick was when he got a flu shot and blah blah blah.

I don’t have the energy to explain to him that:

a) People are DYING from flu. This is a SERIOUS epidemic. If you don’t want to get vaccinated for yourself, vaccinate to protect public health as you are less likely to spread illness to others if you are vaccinated!

b) Just like all preventative measures, the flu shot is only a certain percent effective. And it only protects against a certain strain. There is flu A, B, C, D (multiple strains!!!) One flu shot can’t protect you against every flu virus/strain that exists.

c) Why the hell would the government and CDC release flu shots if they make us sick???? There are safety protocols you know!

He tries to explain I need to was my hands more because “the hands carry DNA that carry germs”.

OH MY GOD. HE MEANS BACTERIA!!!!

Finally, we reach the clinic and I am soooo happy.

Except here’s the thing. Everybody in Boston is practically there, I am given a 60 minute wait. GAH!!!

Finally, it’s my turn. I tell the Nurse Practicioner all my symptoms. “It sounds like you may have a fever or the flu. Let’s take a look” she says.

She looks at my throat and ears and gets my temperature. The thermometer begins beeping.

“Well here’s your answer, you have a high fever!” she says showing me my 050ac0a152ace5101861a34b8a562b5441bc40-wmtemperature. 

You see. I knew something was wrong!

“Let’s check that you don’t have the flu” she says.

Let me just say, the flu test is really fun. She jabs this thing up my nostril and stirs it.

“OH MY GOD OW!!!!” I say pulling back.

“I know it’s uncomfortable” she says. We laugh. “But I need one more” she says.

Oh fuck me.

“Ok. Go for it” I say. She does it again. “GAH!!! WHAT THE-” I begin screaming again.

“I know I know. All done. Everybody reacts like that don’t worry” she says. We laugh and she grabs me some tissues to wipe my now bloody and mucous filled nose.

She looks at the flu report and smiles. “Negative” she says.

“Yes!” I say.

She writes down the name of medications I should buy and tells me to rest as much as possible and drink as many liquids as I can.

I text my parents. My dad calls immediately.

“How did you manage to get this sick??” he asks.

“I have no idea Dad!” I say. I hadn’t had a fever in two years!

“Well, rest up Shaz. You’ll be home with us soon” he says. “Take some ibuprofen, don’t worry about your liver for now. Treat your fever first. We’ll talk to your doctor when you get here”.

I sigh. It is so hard when you are juggling your health.

I buy some fro-yo and soup and rest all day. I stare at my dress I was supposed to wear to an event I was invited to that night. I sigh. Some other day.

I wake up Friday feeling a little better. I wake up today feeling even more better!

Sometimes, it takes a fever to remind you to PAUSE.

As one of my friends said when I was trying to work on something during my fever, “Don’t over do it Shaz. The world only has ONE Shaz!” 

Please stay safe this flu season. Get vaccinated. Cover up in cold weather. Wash your hands and carry hand sanitizer. Stay home if you are sick. Seek medical help quickly if you have any doubts. Practice other good habits such as sleeping enough, drinking lots of fluids, stress management, eating well, and exercising. 

xoxo. S.

No Booze, No Painkillers

“My… liver? I ask in shock.

My doctor nods. “Yes. It’s not too bad right now. But don’t do anything that will increase your levels. No painkillers, no alcohol, no unhealthy foods”.

I close my eyes. Life can be unfair sometimes. Most of my graduate school friends are walking high in energy, ready to graduate. I am sluggish, my body hurts. Now I know why.

“Why is it that something new is wrong with me every time I come in here? First the vitamin deficiencies and now my liver?” I ask.

“That’s how most autoimmune disorders work Shaz, symptoms go and symptoms come” she says sympathetically. “But the good thing is, we can treat the symptoms. You had a vitamin B-12 and vitamin d deficiency, and we fixed both of those!”

I sigh.

“So remember. No alcohol, no painkillers, and implement a good diet! I need to see you back here in a month to re-check your levels” she says.

I go home and tell the news to my Mom and Dad. They don’t worry too much, which is comforting.

But when I leave the day before school ends, my dad pulls me in a hug. “Don’t worry about your liver. It will be all okay. If you need extra money to buy healthier foods, I’ll send you some. Come back soon so we can re-check the levels and see if you are healthy again”.

Sigh.

I go to school the next day. I see my friends. They talk about going out, I say I can come, but I can’t drink. I explain why.

“Wow what unfair bullshit. This girl is the one that has a drink once a season, and something’s wrong with her liver???” my very outspoken friend Linette says.

We all laugh.

My friend Susan gives me a ride home. She just lost someone and we were talking about it. When I leave I give her a hug and say “If you need anything, and I mean anything, I am here for you. I can bake cookies or bring you alcohol!” I say.

“Only if you can have some!” she says.

And it makes me laugh. Because. Here’s the thing. My friends are standing with me in solidarity.

Through the last semester of graduate school, through the period of writing our thesis, through this intense time of endless job applications and interviews- I’m not going through it alone. We all have our problems, and we help each other out. Not like where I went to college.

When one of my pediatrician friends Yassin asked me to dinner this week, I told him I couldn’t because I wasn’t feeling well. He asked me what was wrong. I told him the same old fatigue.

“I think you have Anemia!” Yassin says. “I’m convinced I have Celiac” I say.

“What did your doctor say?” he asks. “Pernicious anemia” I say rolling my eyes.

He laughs. “You need to trust us!”

“If I felt better I would!” I say laughing.

ed3173ce0b11d961a740a8ba633b0eb3Welp. So that’s that. Another day in the life of Shaz. Along with this, school has really picked up. I am taking a few hard classes, working on my thesis, and applying for jobs. Regardless, I’m not afraid. I’ve come a long way. And there is no stopping now!

xoxo. S.

I Have So Much Catching Up to Do

Ah, cliff hanger.

Sorry I did that to you reader. Right after I gave my talk (YES I GAVE IT AND IT WENT SO WELL! I GOT SELECTED TO HAVE LUNCH WITH THE DEAN!) midterms began 😦 And my goodness, 2nd year graduate school midterms- are no joke.

I had a group project where a team member got mad at me and held a grudge against me for a long time. Not professional when we have a real life client that we need to get work done for…

I had a big exam for the class I am retaking (very very hard class I have been working my tail off for).

I had another big exam.

I had a presentation for my other class.

That week of midterms, I got no sleep because of all the studying and preparing. And then the following week (last week), I couldn’t sleep or eat well because I was so anxious about the results. I worked harder than I ever did in my life.

Steven came up to visit and I could barely spend any time with him/have the mental health weekend I planned.

Finally when it was the day of finding out my results, I woke up ready. And scared.

“No matter what scores you get you’re still talented, tough, and smart!” Prince Player said when I told him.

I told him I’ll let him know if I did well, and if not, I’m going to hide for a few days.

I’m serious reader! Have you ever worked so hard for something after you failed the first time, and wanted the best results?

Well that’s how I felt. Player said I can let him know if I want to talk and that he’s rooting for me. Damn where was this in my first year of undergrad??

I go to class. And Professor says nothing about exams. She lectures for three hours straight, and as everyone packs up says- “Okay so I have everyone’s midterms graded…” HOLY. MOLY. Okay. Deep breaths I tell myself.

The TA’s call us one by one to get them.

Finally my name is called. The professor grabs mine from the TA and tells me to come over to her to speak to her privately.

What the…? DID I FAIL??

My heart beats so fast.

She touches my shoulder. “This is a massive improvement from last year” she says.

I don’t believe her. How massive? She gives me my exam. My eyes widen at the score. I have never. Done so well. On an exam I have retaken. I’ve always done the same (or worse).

“Good work” my Professor says.

I cry. Tears of joy.

“You see. Your ADHD doesn’t define you. You can do it!” my dad says over the phone. 15781249_967412576727912_3471168982053269425_n

That night, I finally got a goodnight’s rest and ate something 🙂

I am still very nervous for the final as I have to do just as well on that, but I believe in myself.

I’m a little sick now. My chronic pain is back and I don’t know if I am suddenly feeling chills, pain, and a sore throat because of that or if I’m getting a cold. I don’t know but I’m taking a little rest now because of it.

Thank you readers for being so patient 🙂 I am going to read through your blogs tonight and catch up.

And I am going to pop back on here later and write about how my talk went!!

xoxo. S.

My Not So Mental Health Days

“I thought today was supposed to be your Mental Health Day” by best friend Steven told me as I was caught working yesterday (Saturday).

dd8b3942908f4a6b6bc47e932a4542b5--exhausted-movie-tvIt was reader, it was supposed to be. But grad school. And not feeling well.  I had an early morning meeting with my client today and could not sleep at all last night because I felt nauseous and pain everywhere! And still do.

At least this week was actually WAY better than last week.

On Wednesday, for my Global Health Consulting class, I won an award! After each of our major deliverables (mind you we have one every week), we have to write a reflection. AND I WON “THE BEST REFLECTION” AWARD! The professor began to read my reflection aloud.

Oh god.

I felt myself turn 50 shades of red (this is in no reference to 50 shades of Grey). The moment they began reading my reflection (they didn’t announce who the winner was first! they just began reading it!) I knew it was mine :0 Anything that starts with, “Wait, what?” Yes. That’s my line right there.

I basically wrote about how for being the daughter and sister of consultants, I felt clueless about the class and anxious about our project. But after that deliverable, where we worked every single day including the weekend, we got the highest grade from our Professors out of any team and the best remarks from our client and I could not help but feel proud of the hard work and long hours each of us put into it.

My mom was so proud, she began reading my paper to my father! She said my dad was smiling the entire time 🙂

My Professor later sent me feedback saying he loves my writing style and that I have truly inspired everybody.

And after reading it out loud in class, he gave me a big box of candy as my prize!

I was seriously beaming throughout the week. I may not always be the smartest person in the room, but damn I can write!

Speaking of which, another part of the reason why I had a better week was so many of you wrote to me 🙂 Whether it was in my comments or my emails, you guys blew up my notifications! From my bed, to the bus, to waiting in line for coffee- I was reading each of your comments and you all seriously made my day.

So with that being said, I’d like to do some reader shoutouts!

Myka who said “And lastly, even in this rough time for you, you managed to end your write up with a comment about how hearing from US helps you. You’re a great girl”.

YES MYKA!! And yes readers!!! You guys help me so much.

And may I say, the compliments I get about my writing from my Professors like I did this week- where do they think I have been “practicing”? Right here! And I’m so grateful 🙂

Ana who checked in to see if I was “drinking enough water, eating enough, getting multivitamins in & sleeping enough”. Bless. You. Ana! I have an autoimmune disorder and those are the 4 most important things for me to have to not be sick. Thank you for checking in to make sure I was doing those. With everything going on, sometimes I don’t do all those things! And even my doctor will email me asking, “Hi your blood work is showing X. Are you sure you are taking you meds?” And it’s not good. So thank you Ana 🙂

Myka, Ana, and Kaiya who called that guy that hurt my feelings in the last post- “asshat” (Ana), “insenitive and stupid, “moron” (Kaiya), “that dude needs a lesson in common sense! Jesus!” (Myka)…THANK YOU. When someone hurts me, people tell me to ignore it or let it go. No friends. I have a right to be angry. And you ladies- were angry with me! And you have NO idea how much that meant to me. Bless you ladies.

So there you have it reader. I have yet to get a “Mental Health Day”, but I am gradually building emotional and physical stamina. Steven says “it’s okay” because when he visits Boston next month, “we will have a whole Mental Health Weekend!” How exciting!

Until then, I am slowly moving forward.

xoxo. S.

 

I Am Woman

Although every week of grad school is hard, this one proved to be a challenge.

Thank you, Aunt Flo.

I knew my period would happen during a busy week. I knew the worst of cramps would happen on my most important day, Thursday. A.k.a presentation day.

I felt it about to begin on Tuesday night. My dad and I were just having a debate. I argued that women get paid less, he argued that this is because guys do not get “maternity leave” or “monthly things”. I rolled my eyes and told him these are things we as women cannot control! “Yes, you can. You can control pregnancy!” he said. I laughed. We debated for a solid hour, and my dad said, “Look. These are thing I noticed as global head. I hope you, are productive in your workplace regardless of life events, and get the pay you deserve”.

And just then, I felt a cramp. I immediately texted my research partner about looking over our work and making the necessary adjustments in our section so I can submit it (before my period  gets me unconscious). He never responds.

IMG_6103Wednesday, I arrive a few minutes late to my morning class because I spend some time making coffee. Having a period and B-12 deficiency is the worst, it’s like close to being dead. Thankfully, the class is really interactive and I stay awake. The whether has gotten really nice and everyone is wearing cute outfits. I look at mine. It is for cold weather, I don’t have any warm weather clothing that is professional. During my commute home, I order some clothes and shoes. I have 2 hours to rest before I have to go to night class. This class dragged on and on. But finally, it ended. When I get home, it’s time to prepare for my presentation and my cramps get really bad. I practice as much as I can and I allow myself to go to sleep at 2.

When I wake up the next morning at 8, I am cramping so bad. I breathe. It is presentation day- 10% of my grade, I can’t miss! I can’t wear the suit I planned to because it pinches everywhere I ache. I wear one of my dresses. Very professional and cute. I look in the mirror and wonder how I will make it through 2 meetings, 1 presentation, and  a 3 hour class.

But somehow, I make it to my morning. It is a brief 1 minute, great. I have time to relax before my presentation begins. I tell myself I am crampy, tired, and sick and that it’s okay not to be a perfectionist today, that if I just make it through and do my best- I will be happy with myself.

It’s presentation time and I do pretty good. When I sit down, my two friends compliment me. “Oh, you pronounced a word wrong and I almost died” my friend Jeanette says.

“Oh my god. Uninhabitable?” I asked. I knew. I practiced all night.

She nods. I was so close to passing out I didn’t even notice I slipped up.

“Fuck” I say.

But I keep my promise. I let it go. I can’t be a perfectionist every single day. Especially on a day like this. I am proud I showed up and gave my best work.

The class is interesting. We talk about refugees, my favorite topic. But I have these horrible cramps that come and go. “Are you sure you don’t want to go home?” my other friend Gigi asks. I nod. “I have my planning meeting after class” I say. “Yea but you’re sick…” she says.

I sigh. “I’ll be fine. I don’t have class tomorrow so I’ll pass out when I get home”.

Class finally ends after what seems like an eternity. I meet with my group. One girl is very annoying and out of the loop because she never comes to our meetings, another girl rarely acknowledges me by name. But. It ends in a quick 25 minutes and I am happy about that.

Outside, there are therapy dogs. One looks exactly like my dog and rest his nose on my lap. I could cry. Hormones and dogs my god ❤

I get on the bus to commute home and stop at CVS. I pick up tampons, Almond Joy, and ice cream.

I pass out as soon as I reach home and wake up at 9:00 in the evening. Wow. I really need my B-12 medicine. I send an e-mail to my doctor about the B-12 mess up the company she sent my prescription to caused and how I haven’t had a supply in 3 weeks and feel like I’m going to die.

Right about now I start missing everybody. Especially “K”, “Heart”, and “Prince Player”.IMG_6109

I grab a mini white chocolate Magnum ice cream and call “Mr. Photography dude”.

“Oh hey stranger” he says picking up.

“I’m sorry” I say.

“How have you been?” he asks. “Alright. Not good now though” I say.

“Why?” he asks.

“Cramps” I say.

“Ouch. Which guy are you missing the most right now?” he asks. I laugh hard. He knows me so well.

“All of them” I say. “You don’t need them” he says.

“K used to take me out for steak and cheesecake when I had cramps!” I say.

“Really? We live in the 21st century. You could order those stuff in if you wanted!” he says.

“Yea but. I liked being spoiled” I say.

He laughs. “Of course you do”.

We discuss some updates and he tells me to feel better.

I begin working on my Law paper due on Saturday.

On Friday, my second day of cramps, my research partner has FINALLY decided to respond. He is very apologetic. I look through our document, absolutely nothing has changed. He has made no corrections/additions. I fix all the errors. “Sorry. I didn’t know what you meant” he says in response. I roll my eyes. At least he likes the corrections and I can submit it.

Today I work on my Law paper as it is due. I keep falling asleep due to my obnoxious health issues. I have received a response from my doctor who says she spoke with the company and is having them ship me my medication as soon as possible and how she is also upset the company did not address this issue sooner. I sigh. I am so exhausted.

Finally, I am done with my paper and submit it. Or at least I thought I did. I never got a receipt, and the dropbox closed. Oh no. I email it to my professor, who clearly said she will not be accepting emailed papers.

I close my eyes. I am woman. And this, is not easy.

xoxo. S.

 

My 23rd birthday, finals, and then some

For as long as I have been alive, I rarely had school on my birthday. And never have I ever had a final on my birthday. Falling only a few days before Christmas, it was never a possibility. Well. Until now. Hooray grad school!

On my 23rd birthday I had my hardest final. Epidemiology and Biostatistics. And the day after that, I had my second hardest…Law :0

At least thinks between me and “K” were good. Since our last fiasco, “K” really improved. He began texting everyday, even if it was just to say “Good morning beautiful”. I would wake up happy. So I was able to concentrate on everything again.

I spent all weekend reviewing for the finals. And then, Monday came. It didn’t even feel like a birthday.

Bright and early in the morning, I got a lovely text. From “K” ❤

“Happy birthday beautiful. Kill that exam. You’re so special I could write a whole paragraph. But why do that when I can say it all to you? Reservations tomorrow at (insert one of the best restaurant in Boston!) 9:00. I’ll pick you up. See you then.”

I smile and get out of bed. Other friends begin to text nice wishes. I get dressed and run to Starbucks. While at Starbucks, it’s “Prince Player’s” turn. He says happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here to celebrate with me. Aw.

My classmates wish me as well. One of them even texted “For your birthday I got you cold weather and one of the toughest finals! No take-backs”. Oh I loved the sympathy ❤

I grab my coffee and turn my phone off. It was time to use the last two hours I had before the exam to study! When it’s time to head out, I do a quick prayer and make it a wish to pass this class.

An hour later, I begin the exam- and I know shit. Absolutely nada. Oh. My. God. Whatever I studied, was definitely not on there! Oh no. I tried my best and after 3 hours, I was done.

So I commute back home and grab Qdoba and a chocolate cake. Hey, “K” was taking me out the next day anyway so I could celebrate for reals then. I quickly eat and begin to study for my next exam. Law. My second hardest. I study and study and around midnight I decide it’s time to call it a day.

When I arrive at the testing center, I continue to go through my flashcards. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But I go in, and holy moly. I KNOW EVERYTHING! I finished it in one hour!

Phew. At least that made me feel better. And at last, it was finally time to celebrate my birthday!

First, I decide to take a quick nap since the exam was so early in the morning. Then I shower and do my nails. “K” tells me he’s on his way. Good. I put on my dress and heels. An hour later, he arrives.

He smiles at me. “Happy birthday, you look beautiful”.

“Thanks” I say holding his hands in mine.

In the car he plays a beautiful song. I look at him and smile.

It’s “Happy Birthday” by Kygo and John Legend.

“Beautiful, beautiful, no other name
I knew from the moment you came
I’ve seen in your eyes the dawn of a day
Where nothing will ever be the same”

“Ooh, I wanna dance with you
Ooh, I’ll promise to stand for you
I’ll do anything for you
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Tonight, my love all I want
I wanna sing for you
Yeah, I’ll sing for you
Happy birthday, baby
Happy birthday to you”

We have always bonded over music. And he always chooses the right song. I lean back into my seat and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. My first birthday where I’m not single.

We arrive at the restaurant and it is very fancy. There are ceiling to floor glass windows with a view of the skyline, and the hostess knows exactly where to take us when “K” says his name.

Oooo. Wow.

We sit down and “K” orders us the wine we had on our first date. He lets me order filet minion and it is delicious.

15894868_971331169669386_1582989894823656681_nI love it. And I like him so much. But my stomach churns. I start thinking a million thoughts. I’m sad to leave him for a month. I’m going to get a lot of crap about this from my Mom when I go home. And why am I thinking about “Prince Player”? I wish I was sitting in a restaurant like this with “Prince Player”. My eyes widen when I realize I just though that.

“You okay?” “K” asks.

I snap out of it. I hold his hand, “Yea this view is just amazing baby.”

He nods. And we are ready for the check. I peak at it. Holy moly. It’s over a $100!! Jesus. This one must really like me.

We head out and reach my place. Everything is great and lovely, and after an hour, “K” has to leave. When “K” clearly told me that on my birthday, he would stay with me for a while.

It must have been something I did or said.

“What’s your deal?” I ask.

“What’s your deal?” he asks.

I go over to him.

He says something that I don’t like him mentioning. I look down. Of course. That’s why he’s leaving so soon. He’s upset.

But he hugs me. And says bye.

I’m so confused.

No wonder why I never had a boyfriend during my birthday, I didn’t want them to ruin it!!

How can we leave each other like this? Winter break was going to be weird.

But at last, after a week and a half of ignoring each other. I finally spoke to him. And we had another disagreement. Although, we told each other we would take some time to ourselves to think about our relationship and hopefully reconcile when we see each other in person again, we continued texting each other and things have been better.

Which is good because things were about to get really ugly.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

What a long 20 days without blogging.

Yes, reader, I’m alright. I’ve been so busy over the past three weeks with school. No work or extracurricular, just school. I guess grad school does that to you. After the last post, things were going pretty well.

“K” improved his behaviors and took me out regularly. Also called regularly.

And then he started to flake again.

Missed one date. And then the other.

Thanksgiving break gave me a chance to tell my Mom about him. This was also the day I told her about all my past love interests.

Her jaw drops.

“Well. I knew about Prince Player” she says.

I look at her and laugh.

“I don’t like this new guy Shahz. I don’t want you to be with him. You can do better” she says.

This made me sad. Really sad. We debated about it everyday until the day before break ended. On that day, she told me about the relationship between my dad and her.

I was shocked when she told me stories of my dad using the same lines “K” does.

I swallow. “Why didn’t you tell me any of these things before?? Now it’s going to hurt when I break up with him!” I say crying.

“Oh Shahz, come here” my mom finally feels my hurt.14690918_907742199361617_356717797406229488_n

“It will. But. Look at yourself and look at all that you accomplished. Don’t you think you deserve better?”

I nod and sniffle.

I have never broken up with someone before. It was always the other way around.

One of my readers commented a few weeks ago that I sounded “miserable”. And that’s exactly how I felt. And this step is necessary.

When I got back to Boston yesterday, it was exhausting. I had a 7 hour flight and night class. It was a long day.

When I woke up this morning I look at my phone. I am on social media. And what I find, is, something very unacceptable from “K”.

That’s it. I’m done.

I send “K” one hell of a text message. I’m ready to move on.

When he suddenly starts typing a response immediately.

He says there has been a huge misunderstanding and “it’s not what it looks like” and he is “hurt” I would say all the things I did.

Huh. And then he blames me for jumping to conclusions.

I tell him he has given me no reason not to jump to conclusions with the way he has been treating me these past few weeks.

“That’s because these past few weeks have been the most stressful time in my life.”

My jaw drops. Did he not say that last month?

I swallow.

“I was actually going to call you in a few hours and ask if you’re free tonight so I can take you to the Cheesecake Factory”.

I grit my teeth.

What the absolute hell. It’s almost as if he’s bribing me.

I tell him if he really wants to discuss this in person, I am free after class.

But he’s upset.

And never responds.

My mom calls tonight and asks “is there something you want to talk to me about?” when she hears the sadness in my voice.

But I can’t.

I can never. Ever. Let someone. 100% go.

Breaking up is hard to do.

xoxo. S.

On Fire

On Monday, I get two exciting news. One is that my presentation I was nervous about? I got an A+ and….the Professor loved it so much she wants to share it with the Dean and possibly  all of the university!!!! “K” tells me he is proud of me and I deserve it. And that I shouldn’t have been nervous at all. As if things could not get any better, I find out that I won a speech writing contest in our program and was asked to make the KEYNOTE :0 This past Friday. Holy moly, I was on fire.

And then Wednesday comes. I am running errands all over the place, handling multiple things at once when I…drop my iPhone (MISERY 1). I hold in my breath and pick it up. Fuck. It is broken. I have dropped my phone like 100 times, it never broke, till now. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I try using it, it works but the shattered glass cuts my finger. Okay that’s not safe. I use my iPad and text “K” and my parents. “K” laughs and says I should take it to Apple. He is an app developer and thinks he knows everything about iPhones (he kind of does for the most part). But from my experience, all Apple does is make me broke. So I research some repair shops. And I find one. I make an appointment for Thursday.

So much for being on fire!

xoxo. S.

Lovebug

“Hi lovebug <3″

I can’t believe “Prince Player” just called me “lovebug”. Lovebug is a name that I only save for people I really really really like.

I shrug.

I continue chatting with him as I do every Thursday night when I suddenly remember this is no t undergrad and I actually have school the next day.

As usual, we talk about how much we miss each other.

And he suddenly says “Sorry if that was weird” to something he just said.

14100483_877760692359768_8092744571122953931_nI shake my head. We are adults. I’ve known him for four years. Why is player apologizing. He should know by now there’s no boundaries with me.

“It wasn’t weird. Why would you think that’s weird?” I ask.

He never responds.

Fine. I put my phone away. I have more important things to worry about anyway.

Such as my mom having her surgery today while I was in class.

2 weeks ago:

“Shahz. You remember that lump I was telling you about over the summer?” my mom asks.

“Yea…” I remember my mom telling me. I was focused on my own lump to notice.

“Um well. I need to get it removed. Like, it’s more serious than yours was. I saw the surgeon and he said I need to get it out ASAP”.

I raise my eyebrows.

What. the. fuck.

“Oh my god mom. When?”

“The day before you dad’s birthday. Right before Columbus day weekend begins” she says.

I sigh. The week of all my exams. The week where flight tickets are so expensive.

“I’ll come home”.

“Are you nuts?? Stay there. This isn’t a big deal!”

It is a huge fucking deal. And I can’t believe I won’t be there.

So last night, I talk to my dad on the phone.

“You better take good care of her dad” I say.

“I will Shaz. I took time off of work. Please please please focus on your exams. Everything will be okay” he says.

Great.

So I go to class today and I can’t pay attention one bit.

I keep texting my dad for updates and the Professor gives me looks.

My group members ask me what I think as we do group work, but I am oh so rude asking “what do I think about what?” and giving unhelpful answers.

I should have remembered that they will be evaluating me soon and it is worth 15% of my grade.

Everyone is so happy and I sit in the corner upset.

Because all I can do is think about my mom.

The first person who called me lovebug.

Finally towards the end of class, I get the text from my dad that everything went well and Mom is awake from surgery.

I’m about to sigh the biggest sigh of relief.

And then I read.

“They have to send it in for biopsy though”.

Oh no.

“But she’ll be okay. Can you call your aunts and grandparents and let them know she’s out of surgery?”

I tell him I will.

My classmates start getting ready to leave and I get invited to go out with them. They are going to view the Boston skyline and grab drinks.

“Come on Shaz! Akash will be there!” my friend Catherine says.

I laugh and shake my head. “I really can’t. My mom just got out of surgery and I’m super worried. I just want to go home and chill and keep checking on her you know? It already sucked that I couldn’t go home and had to come to class…” I say.

Her face falls. “Oh my god. Do you need a hug?” she asks.

I nod.

“It will be okay. We can always go out next weekend” she says.

I thank her for being understanding.

I stay in my apartment all night. I watch some Good Wife and mope.

Everyone told me I shouldn’t worry about being far from home, because nothing will happen.

Well now. I am far from home. And something did happen.

I message “Prince Player”.

Surely he may have experience with this. He’s the only other person I know that is super close to his family, a 4 hours flight to his family, and goes home for holidays only. Like me (well now at least).

I ask him how he’s feeling as he had a cold last time we spoke.

He says he’s better but has a sore threat. And then asked how I’m feeling.

“I’m not okay” I say.

He sends me a sad emoji.10537020_658947840907722_3894556509998511892_n

“How do you stay calm when you are from your family, and something serious is happening at home?” I ask.

“I wish I had the answer. Praying I guess” he says.

How easy things were.

When I was small.

Saw my mom everyday.

And the only thing I was upset about was her calling me a lovebug when I was a big girl.

Lovebug.

xoxo. S.