What do all my readers do?

I’m back at school and the first week of school blahs have kicked in.

Why did I move to Boston?

Why did I choose to go to grad-school?

Why did I decide to take this class?

The person that got to deal with it is my significant other.

I cried as soon as I saw him.

“Oh come on. It’s only been a few days since I last saw you” he says hugging me.

True. He did come see me as soon as I landed a few days ago and that was perfect. One of our best interactions I would say. Which is exactly why my tears have nothing to do with him.

“It’s not you!” I say crying.

“What is it then?” he asks.

I stay quiet for what seems like an eternity.

“I don’t like it here” I say quietly staring out my window.

He raises his eyebrows. “You don’t like Boston?” he asks surprisingly. “I thought you loved it. That’s why you moved here”

“I do. But like. I was this big deal in Chicago. Everyone knew who I was. And now. I am a nobody” I say sadly.

He sighs. “Did someone piss you off?” he asks.

“No” I say laughing.

“Then why are you suddenly feeling like this?”

“I’ve felt this way for a long time. I tried to tell you!”

He hugs me. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch it before. Next time, you need to stop me and tell me you really need to talk”.

I smile. “Okay”.

sometimes-you-just-have-to-give-yourself-the-pep-talk-3023443“As for the situation. It happens Shahz. When you want to be successful, you need to move to new places and you need to meet new people and you need to do new things. It’s a big part of growing up. You are already amazing, but you know you’re here, and you’re trying to do big things and in like a year and a half- you’ll have a Master’s. And then if it’s still bad, you can decide where to go next”.

I rest my head on his shoulder.

And it got me thinking.

I don’t know what some of my readers do. Like what do you do for a living? Do you work? What do you do? Are you still in school? What do you study?

Comment below!

I think my reader demographics are important 🙂

xoxo. S.

My 23rd birthday, finals, and then some

For as long as I have been alive, I rarely had school on my birthday. And never have I ever had a final on my birthday. Falling only a few days before Christmas, it was never a possibility. Well. Until now. Hooray grad school!

On my 23rd birthday I had my hardest final. Epidemiology and Biostatistics. And the day after that, I had my second hardest…Law :0

At least thinks between me and “K” were good. Since our last fiasco, “K” really improved. He began texting everyday, even if it was just to say “Good morning beautiful”. I would wake up happy. So I was able to concentrate on everything again.

I spent all weekend reviewing for the finals. And then, Monday came. It didn’t even feel like a birthday.

Bright and early in the morning, I got a lovely text. From “K” ❤

“Happy birthday beautiful. Kill that exam. You’re so special I could write a whole paragraph. But why do that when I can say it all to you? Reservations tomorrow at (insert one of the best restaurant in Boston!) 9:00. I’ll pick you up. See you then.”

I smile and get out of bed. Other friends begin to text nice wishes. I get dressed and run to Starbucks. While at Starbucks, it’s “Prince Player’s” turn. He says happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here to celebrate with me. Aw.

My classmates wish me as well. One of them even texted “For your birthday I got you cold weather and one of the toughest finals! No take-backs”. Oh I loved the sympathy ❤

I grab my coffee and turn my phone off. It was time to use the last two hours I had before the exam to study! When it’s time to head out, I do a quick prayer and make it a wish to pass this class.

An hour later, I begin the exam- and I know shit. Absolutely nada. Oh. My. God. Whatever I studied, was definitely not on there! Oh no. I tried my best and after 3 hours, I was done.

So I commute back home and grab Qdoba and a chocolate cake. Hey, “K” was taking me out the next day anyway so I could celebrate for reals then. I quickly eat and begin to study for my next exam. Law. My second hardest. I study and study and around midnight I decide it’s time to call it a day.

When I arrive at the testing center, I continue to go through my flashcards. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But I go in, and holy moly. I KNOW EVERYTHING! I finished it in one hour!

Phew. At least that made me feel better. And at last, it was finally time to celebrate my birthday!

First, I decide to take a quick nap since the exam was so early in the morning. Then I shower and do my nails. “K” tells me he’s on his way. Good. I put on my dress and heels. An hour later, he arrives.

He smiles at me. “Happy birthday, you look beautiful”.

“Thanks” I say holding his hands in mine.

In the car he plays a beautiful song. I look at him and smile.

It’s “Happy Birthday” by Kygo and John Legend.

“Beautiful, beautiful, no other name
I knew from the moment you came
I’ve seen in your eyes the dawn of a day
Where nothing will ever be the same”

“Ooh, I wanna dance with you
Ooh, I’ll promise to stand for you
I’ll do anything for you
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Tonight, my love all I want
I wanna sing for you
Yeah, I’ll sing for you
Happy birthday, baby
Happy birthday to you”

We have always bonded over music. And he always chooses the right song. I lean back into my seat and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. My first birthday where I’m not single.

We arrive at the restaurant and it is very fancy. There are ceiling to floor glass windows with a view of the skyline, and the hostess knows exactly where to take us when “K” says his name.

Oooo. Wow.

We sit down and “K” orders us the wine we had on our first date. He lets me order filet minion and it is delicious.

15894868_971331169669386_1582989894823656681_nI love it. And I like him so much. But my stomach churns. I start thinking a million thoughts. I’m sad to leave him for a month. I’m going to get a lot of crap about this from my Mom when I go home. And why am I thinking about “Prince Player”? I wish I was sitting in a restaurant like this with “Prince Player”. My eyes widen when I realize I just though that.

“You okay?” “K” asks.

I snap out of it. I hold his hand, “Yea this view is just amazing baby.”

He nods. And we are ready for the check. I peak at it. Holy moly. It’s over a $100!! Jesus. This one must really like me.

We head out and reach my place. Everything is great and lovely, and after an hour, “K” has to leave. When “K” clearly told me that on my birthday, he would stay with me for a while.

It must have been something I did or said.

“What’s your deal?” I ask.

“What’s your deal?” he asks.

I go over to him.

He says something that I don’t like him mentioning. I look down. Of course. That’s why he’s leaving so soon. He’s upset.

But he hugs me. And says bye.

I’m so confused.

No wonder why I never had a boyfriend during my birthday, I didn’t want them to ruin it!!

How can we leave each other like this? Winter break was going to be weird.

But at last, after a week and a half of ignoring each other. I finally spoke to him. And we had another disagreement. Although, we told each other we would take some time to ourselves to think about our relationship and hopefully reconcile when we see each other in person again, we continued texting each other and things have been better.

Which is good because things were about to get really ugly.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

What a long 20 days without blogging.

Yes, reader, I’m alright. I’ve been so busy over the past three weeks with school. No work or extracurricular, just school. I guess grad school does that to you. After the last post, things were going pretty well.

“K” improved his behaviors and took me out regularly. Also called regularly.

And then he started to flake again.

Missed one date. And then the other.

Thanksgiving break gave me a chance to tell my Mom about him. This was also the day I told her about all my past love interests.

Her jaw drops.

“Well. I knew about Prince Player” she says.

I look at her and laugh.

“I don’t like this new guy Shahz. I don’t want you to be with him. You can do better” she says.

This made me sad. Really sad. We debated about it everyday until the day before break ended. On that day, she told me about the relationship between my dad and her.

I was shocked when she told me stories of my dad using the same lines “K” does.

I swallow. “Why didn’t you tell me any of these things before?? Now it’s going to hurt when I break up with him!” I say crying.

“Oh Shahz, come here” my mom finally feels my hurt.14690918_907742199361617_356717797406229488_n

“It will. But. Look at yourself and look at all that you accomplished. Don’t you think you deserve better?”

I nod and sniffle.

I have never broken up with someone before. It was always the other way around.

One of my readers commented a few weeks ago that I sounded “miserable”. And that’s exactly how I felt. And this step is necessary.

When I got back to Boston yesterday, it was exhausting. I had a 7 hour flight and night class. It was a long day.

When I woke up this morning I look at my phone. I am on social media. And what I find, is, something very unacceptable from “K”.

That’s it. I’m done.

I send “K” one hell of a text message. I’m ready to move on.

When he suddenly starts typing a response immediately.

He says there has been a huge misunderstanding and “it’s not what it looks like” and he is “hurt” I would say all the things I did.

Huh. And then he blames me for jumping to conclusions.

I tell him he has given me no reason not to jump to conclusions with the way he has been treating me these past few weeks.

“That’s because these past few weeks have been the most stressful time in my life.”

My jaw drops. Did he not say that last month?

I swallow.

“I was actually going to call you in a few hours and ask if you’re free tonight so I can take you to the Cheesecake Factory”.

I grit my teeth.

What the absolute hell. It’s almost as if he’s bribing me.

I tell him if he really wants to discuss this in person, I am free after class.

But he’s upset.

And never responds.

My mom calls tonight and asks “is there something you want to talk to me about?” when she hears the sadness in my voice.

But I can’t.

I can never. Ever. Let someone. 100% go.

Breaking up is hard to do.

xoxo. S.

The Trials of Love

(also known as Dating Part 8, continued from Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries) Just look at this spin-off series.

I wake up Thursday feeling miserable. I have this issue with “K”, law class, and a keynote to practice for. I have a broken phone, and also, no cute outfit to wear for my keynote.

I prioritize. First, I tell myself that “K” has told me we are going out tomorrow and I won’t have to think about that until tomorrow when my speech ends. Okay great. Next, I go to law class. Done. Then, I go to this person I found on Yelp to get my phone fixed. $75 gone out of my pocket, but I have my phone back. Okay done. Then, I call an Uber and go to Macy’s.

Alright. So that begins the dress shopping issue. Why is it. That. There are not enough choices for petite girls?? I try on dresses for THREE HOURS. And I have an incredibly hard time. The employees are just as exhausted as I am, wanting to go home after a long day. So finally, as I was about to give up. I find a cute little dress!

Okay great. It’s 9:30. So I come back home and begin practicing. But I’m dead tired and still have homework to do, so I finish my homework and go to sleep. I promise myself I will wake up early in the morning and practice my speech.

So I do. I wake up nervous, but excited. I’m making a keynote for goodness sake.

I Facetime with my mom and practice. I snap some pictures to “K”, but he doesn’t respond a lot. So I go to class. In class, my whole cohort is aware I’m making the speech and they let me practice with them and all of them wish me good luck ❤

Finally, after class, it is show time. I put on my cute dress, pumps, and perfume.

I look out in the crowd and I panic. So many people. To add even more pressure, the two performances before me get standing ovations.

Fuck. Finally it’s my turn. The organizers hug me and tell me I got this. I think about the mandatory workshops and speech training I went to for this and what a big honor this is.

And I give that speech.

No standing ovation, but hey, I think I did pretty damn good for a girl with ADHD and anxiety. And I did get lots of applause and compliments.

All I want to do now is lay in K’s arms.

But it is 9:00. And I have no word from K.

I call him. It goes to voicemail.

What the fuck. Finally, I get a call from him. 30 minutes later.

“Hey….” he begins.img_1282

“Hey what’s going on?” I ask.

“I’m so sorry. I had to do something for my dad. Are you mad?” he says.

“Oh. Um. No. I’m not mad. Can you still come and see me?” I ask.

“I mean yea but it will be like 1:00 by the time I get around there and it’s raining” he says.

He’s right. It is pouring like crazy. It’s not a good night to go out anyway.

“I see. Um okay. Well this is really complicated” I say.

He laughs. “You know how busy I am. You knew what you were getting into” he says.

I don’t believe this. No I didn’t! He never warned me about this before we began dating, i was me that warned him saying that dating me is “like walking on eggshells”. But he didn’t care. No wonder because he is the one messing up, not me.

I roll my eyes. “Do you just want to do tomorrow then?” I ask.

“Yea. We can do lunch and nap afterwords!” he says as if he was hoping for me to suggest it.

I laugh. “Yea that sounds good”.

“Shahz…I’m going to Cancun next week” he says.

“Uh huh yea you told me. About all those women you’ll be around. I’m not nervous” I say unsure why he’s bringing it up again.

“You’re not?” he asks. What the fuck. Why is he asking this again? This is the same guy that said “I don’t think I’ll ever be with someone as good as you. I want to be with you” a week ago.

“No…should I be?” I ask.

“You really need to hold your liquor. God Wednesday night” he says changing the subject.

Goodness. He ignores my question and says that. I am so confused. Is he mad at me? MISERY #4.

We continue talking, confirm the plan, and say goodnight. I’m not in the best mood anyway because of my speech and all the rain, but I am a little disappointed. I take off my heels and dress.

I wake up the next morning excited. Still raining but oh well. I shower and get dressed. The clock strikes the time he is supposed to be here and I receive a text. Not an “I’m here text” but a “Hey babe! Can we reschedule to 9”? text. MISERY #5.

Okay like I know he’s busy.

So I change out of my dress and go work out. I try to do some homework. I take my own nap.

And I begin getting ready again. I’m all dolled up by 8:30. And I wait. And I wait. I send him a snap. When he doesn’t open that and it is 10:00, I call him, it goes to voicemail.

You have got to be kidding me. 2 strikes. MISERY #6.

img_0190So I order a pizza and watch The Good Wife and go to bed. On Sunday, the last day of my weekend, I wake up to no explanation from him.

I hope that he will send me a long apology text and show up at my doorstep like he did the last time he had two strikes.

But my intuition tells me that won’t happen.

When he continues not to say a word and it begins distracting me, I send him a text.

My phone blows up with three messages an hour later.

“I messed up”.

“I’m sorry”.

“Mental breakdowns on repeat”.

Ah and there it is. He could have just told me. Does he know what’s like to sit in your outfit, makeup, and heels waiting 3 times in a row? But I’ve had these breakdowns before and know what it’s like. You don’t want to talk to anyone during this time.

unnamedSo I tell him,”It’s okay. Take your time love.”

Even though. Something. Is. Definitely. Not. Okay. Here.

That is our last bit of communication. We don’t talk after that or anything today. I have a feeling we won’t talk for a while.

And so now begins the trials of love.

Can I really do this?

Do I really want to do this?

xoxo. S.

Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries)

(also known as Dating Part 7)

By the time “K” left, it was 3 am. A six hour date. Wow, that’s one for the books. “K” told me I should always text him, even if I’m just thinking of him.

So on Sunday morning, I do just that. We tell each other we miss each other already. “K” suggests he come see me that night. Whoa, it’s been less than 24 hours. And I have to do a coding assignment for class anyway. I tell him we should wait. It’s too soon, and the coding assignment took 9 hours! He seems upset, I am too. He ignores me.

But then on Monday, I get two exciting news that I share with him. One is that my presentation I was nervous about? I got an A+ and….the Professor loved it so much she wants to share it with the Dean and possibly  all of the university!!!! “K” tells me he is proud of me and I deserve it. And that I shouldn’t have been nervous at all. As if things could not get any better, I find out that I won a speech writing contest in our program and was asked to make the KEYNOTE :0 This past Friday. Holy moly, I was on fire.

So on Monday, we are both in great moods. “K” suggests we go out again on Tuesday or Wednesday. I pick Wednesday on account of I have a group project on Tuesday. Thank goodness I did that, that group project took all night :0

So Wednesday comes and I am super excited. I am running errands all over the place, handling multiple things at once when I…drop my iPhone (MISERY 1). I hold in my breath and pick it up. Fuck. It is broken. I have dropped my phone like 100 times, it never broke, till now. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I try using it, it works but the shattered glass cuts my finger. Okay that’s not safe. I use my iPad and text “K” and my parents. “K” laughs and says I should take it to Apple. He is an app developer and thinks he knows everything about iPhones (he kind of does for the most part). But from my experience, all Apple does is make me broke. So I research some repair shops. And I find one. I make an appointment for Thursday.

Okay so Wednesday. I get ready, my mom asks if I’m watching the debate. Shoot, I was so excited for the date, I forgot! Oh well. (Thanks for updating me Paul!) I put on my black pencil dress and nude heels.”K” calls saying he will be a little late so I watch a little bit of it. Finally, 30 minutes later he shows up.

I see him in my lobby. Wait what? Why isn’t he outside in his car waiting for me?

He hugs me, “Wow you look amazing”.

I raise my eyebrows as I hug him back. “I thought we were going out”.

“Yea we are. Um. But can we just go up and talk first?” he asks.

For some reason, I’m thinking “K” is saying that because he missed me  and wants to be in private for a bit.

“We can do that later” I say laughing.

“No we really need to talk. 20 minutes” he says.

And again for some reason, I don’t pick up that he needs to literally “talk” to me.

Because as soon as we get back to my place. He sits down. And says. “I got a big offer in San Francisco” (MISERY 2).

I feel my entire world collapse. I get off his lap.

“What?” I ask.

“This company. Offered us a big deal to buy my company and work with me. It’s a pretty big offer. Lots of money”.

I think I’m about to puke.

“How about a ‘congratulations’ Shahz?”

I swallow. “Congratulations baby. I’m proud of you”.

“Oh my god Shahz don’t cry. I have this thing if people start crying I begin crying too!”

I still stand facing the door.

“Hey come here” he says.

I walk away instead. “K. You know we connected this past week. And after all that. You’re leaving!”

“Have you heard of a thing called long distance relationship , Shahz?”

I laugh “No way. I’m not good with that”.

He pulls me back onto his lap. “Look Shahz. I haven’t accepted it yet. I’m still thinking about it. There are a lot of reasons for me to stay here. My family is here…and a lot of other people who are important to me are here” he says looking into my eyes.

This leads to him kissing me. And me kissing him.

“Are you going to say no to the San Fransisco offer now?” I ask laughing.

“Mmmm what’s San Fransisco again?” he asks with his nose touching mine.

He asks if I still want to go out, I say yes considering I need a drink after what he told me. We drive their in silence.

He makes a comment about it. I hold his hand and squeeze it.

When we get to the bar, we order beers and talk. He finishes his quickly. I only have half, and I am tipsy.

“Shahz really? You’re not going to finish it?”

I don’t know if he said that because I wasted his money or because I can’t handle liquor well” :0

I shrug. I bring up the fact that our relationship seems to be getting serious, and he…brings up the fact that we should consider taking our intimacy to the next level (MISERY 3).

14681805_914754628660374_3608875807356949159_nI suddenly become un-drunk. “I told you I don’t do that… plus we just met” I say.

“Yes and I understand. But you also just said we are about to be in a serious relationship and I think that is a part of a serious relationship” he says.

I put my face in my hands. “God I didn’t expect us to get this far. I didn’t even want to go out with you at first remember?” I say.

“Oh so now you’re saying you didn’t want all this?” he says.

I grab his arm. “No no no. That’s not what I’m saying. But you’re moving to San Fransisco and-“.

“Can you stop saying that? It isn’t even official yet!” he says.

I swallow. And nod.

“We should go” he says.

He puts his arm around me and we walk out. But I feel he is mad at me. But he kisses me on the cheek outside. I still think he’s mad at me.

He drives me back home. We are silent again. He points it out.

I sigh. “It seems we’re different” I say.

“Yea…”he says.

We get to my place and although we were planning to hang out, he says. “Babe, I think I’ll just leave it here. You obviously have a lot of thinking to do”.

But me, being so scared of being alone, plead with him to stay. So he parks his car and comes up.

“I should get going…” he says after a short while. “I have to drive back and don’t want it to be too late” he says.

I pull him closer. “Just spend the night. You’re tired. You shouldn’t have to drive another hour”.

He kisses my cheek. “It’s tempting. But I have to wake up early in the morning though. But hey. How about Friday? We can go out and come back here and have that sleepover” he says.

I smile. That would be a nice way to celebrate (or mope over) my keynote speech.

“Sounds good.”

He grabs his jacket. “Think about everything I said okay?”

I nod. Little did I know, there was going to be a lot of thinking 😦

xoxo. S.

Lovebug

“Hi lovebug <3″

I can’t believe “Prince Player” just called me “lovebug”. Lovebug is a name that I only save for people I really really really like.

I shrug.

I continue chatting with him as I do every Thursday night when I suddenly remember this is no t undergrad and I actually have school the next day.

As usual, we talk about how much we miss each other.

And he suddenly says “Sorry if that was weird” to something he just said.

14100483_877760692359768_8092744571122953931_nI shake my head. We are adults. I’ve known him for four years. Why is player apologizing. He should know by now there’s no boundaries with me.

“It wasn’t weird. Why would you think that’s weird?” I ask.

He never responds.

Fine. I put my phone away. I have more important things to worry about anyway.

Such as my mom having her surgery today while I was in class.

2 weeks ago:

“Shahz. You remember that lump I was telling you about over the summer?” my mom asks.

“Yea…” I remember my mom telling me. I was focused on my own lump to notice.

“Um well. I need to get it removed. Like, it’s more serious than yours was. I saw the surgeon and he said I need to get it out ASAP”.

I raise my eyebrows.

What. the. fuck.

“Oh my god mom. When?”

“The day before you dad’s birthday. Right before Columbus day weekend begins” she says.

I sigh. The week of all my exams. The week where flight tickets are so expensive.

“I’ll come home”.

“Are you nuts?? Stay there. This isn’t a big deal!”

It is a huge fucking deal. And I can’t believe I won’t be there.

So last night, I talk to my dad on the phone.

“You better take good care of her dad” I say.

“I will Shaz. I took time off of work. Please please please focus on your exams. Everything will be okay” he says.

Great.

So I go to class today and I can’t pay attention one bit.

I keep texting my dad for updates and the Professor gives me looks.

My group members ask me what I think as we do group work, but I am oh so rude asking “what do I think about what?” and giving unhelpful answers.

I should have remembered that they will be evaluating me soon and it is worth 15% of my grade.

Everyone is so happy and I sit in the corner upset.

Because all I can do is think about my mom.

The first person who called me lovebug.

Finally towards the end of class, I get the text from my dad that everything went well and Mom is awake from surgery.

I’m about to sigh the biggest sigh of relief.

And then I read.

“They have to send it in for biopsy though”.

Oh no.

“But she’ll be okay. Can you call your aunts and grandparents and let them know she’s out of surgery?”

I tell him I will.

My classmates start getting ready to leave and I get invited to go out with them. They are going to view the Boston skyline and grab drinks.

“Come on Shaz! Akash will be there!” my friend Catherine says.

I laugh and shake my head. “I really can’t. My mom just got out of surgery and I’m super worried. I just want to go home and chill and keep checking on her you know? It already sucked that I couldn’t go home and had to come to class…” I say.

Her face falls. “Oh my god. Do you need a hug?” she asks.

I nod.

“It will be okay. We can always go out next weekend” she says.

I thank her for being understanding.

I stay in my apartment all night. I watch some Good Wife and mope.

Everyone told me I shouldn’t worry about being far from home, because nothing will happen.

Well now. I am far from home. And something did happen.

I message “Prince Player”.

Surely he may have experience with this. He’s the only other person I know that is super close to his family, a 4 hours flight to his family, and goes home for holidays only. Like me (well now at least).

I ask him how he’s feeling as he had a cold last time we spoke.

He says he’s better but has a sore threat. And then asked how I’m feeling.

“I’m not okay” I say.

He sends me a sad emoji.10537020_658947840907722_3894556509998511892_n

“How do you stay calm when you are from your family, and something serious is happening at home?” I ask.

“I wish I had the answer. Praying I guess” he says.

How easy things were.

When I was small.

Saw my mom everyday.

And the only thing I was upset about was her calling me a lovebug when I was a big girl.

Lovebug.

xoxo. S.

Pen-Pals (Eggshells part 2)

I listen to “Let Her Go” on repeat on the shuttle to the party.

Only know you’ve been high when you feeling low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go.

brokenI knew deep down in my heart that “Prince Player” and a lot of other people that didn’t give me the attention I wanted in Chicago would miss me.

You don’t know what you got until it’s gone.

But that isn’t my fault. This is why I love people when they’re with me and keep them as close to me as possible, because I know I’ll leave one day. I thrive on change.

I shake my head. And then I stop. Because I miss them all too.

I arrive at the party and spot the host.

I’m not sure how I made friends quickly here. But I’m glad I did.

“Ricky. Happy birthday!” I hug him.

“Ah you’re here! Thank you for coming. It means a lot considering the amount of things we have due next week”.

I nod. No kidding. Grad school is kicking my ass and all my classmates asses.

“Can I go now? I just came to wish you a happy birthday and I don’t really know anyone here” I say looking around.

“What? Shut up. I was sitting next to you in class when we took the personality test and found out you’re an ENFP!” he says.

I roll my eyes.

“Listen. See that guy over there” he points to a guy with lots of girls surrounding him.

“That’s *Tyler” he says.

I look at him. “What?” he asks.

That’s “Prince Player’s” name. Obviously not *Tyler but this guy has the same name as “Prince Player”. But we’ll call him *Tyler because I don’t want to use their real name and this one doesn’t really seem like a player.

Anyways. I look back at Ricky. “Nothing. Is he Arab? Is that why you’re telling me to go talk to him?”

“No. But he used to work for the United Nations and went to literally every Arab country and speaks Arabic. Go talk to him! I think you’ll like him” I roll my eyes.

But I walk on over. “Tyler” I say behind him.

He turns around and says my name. My full name.

What the fuck.

“How do you know my name?” I ask.

“I heard you introduce yourself to some of Ricky’s friends earlier. And I thought. You have a very lovely name” he says.

I raise my eyebrows. “Oh. Well I don’t really like your name. It was my lover from Chicago’s name. He was great. I miss him. A lot” I say.

He laughs. “Well was he a Jewish*Tyler or an Irish *Tyler?”

I laugh. “I think he was a little bit of both actually. Which *Tyler are you?”

He leans back. “The Jewish *Tyler” he says winking at me. “I really like your name. I’m sure you hate this question, but where is your family from?”

I tell him. And I also tell him my name means “Princess”.

“Oh. In what language?” he asks.

“It’s a mixture of Arabic, Persian, and Indian” I say.

“That’s quite a mix. You should thank your parents often” he says.

I roll my eyes. “Yea. Rarely. Some people are assholes and tease me about my name you know”.

“Oh boo hoo Shahz” he says.

“Oh so now you’re calling me Shahz?” I ask laughing.

“Yea. I figure it’s your nickname” he says.

“It is. I was named after the Princess in 1001 Arabian Nights. It was my dad’s favorite book” I say.

He raises his eyebrows. “No kidding. Alf Leila Wa Leila” he says looking intrigued.

My jaw drops. A Jewish White boy. Is speaking. Arabic. To. Me!

“You speak Arabic” I say. I know Ricky told me earlier but I didn’t believe it!

He shrugs “Yea I did a lot of work in the Middle East. I used to work for the United Nations and lived in Lebanon and Jordan for a while. India too actually”.

I pretend Ricky didn’t tell me this info earlier. “Wow” I say.

He writes some stuff in Arabic that I absolutely cannot read.

He pokes me. “You should learn Arabi!” he says.

My jaw drops. “*Tyler. I was the fucking. President. Of the Arabi club at my college. Okay? Just cuz I don’t know how to write it and read it doesn’t mean I don’t know it. You better watch who you’re talking to!” I say.

He steps backs and laugh. “Whoa! Shots fired!”

We laugh. “I’m the same way I guess” he says.

“So what do you do now?” I ask.

“I work as a researcher at a firm in D.C” he says.

“Oh that’s great I hope to go into research-” I being saying. And then I realize he said D.C.

“Wait..” I begin.

He puts his drink down. “Yea I’m actually only here for the weekend. I was here on business and stayed for a bit since it’s his birthday” he says pointing at Ricky.

“Oh my god. But we were just starting to get along” I say.

“Don’t fret Shahz. I’ll write you” he says.

I laugh so hard I almost choke. “What is this? The 1900s?”

When I contain my laughter I look at him. “Fine. We can be pen-pals”.

We begin laughing again. We both get interrupted by people we know. An hour or so later I’m talking to another guy when he interrupts.

“Excuse me” he says to us. “Hey Shahz” he says pulling me aside.

I look at him puzzled. “Hey”.

“So I’m leaving now. But I wanted to give you my number.”

Oh. He was serious about writing me!

After he leaves, I start getting ready to go to.

Ricky comes up to me. “How did it go?”

“You didn’t tell me he lives in D.C!” I say.

“Oh yea. Wait what? Did you guys get that close? I just wanted you to have someone to talk to!” he says.

I wave him off and grab my coat. “No of course not. He just would have been a good friend to have around”.

Ricky laughs. “Yea. We went to undergrad together. Nice guy he is”.

When I get home, I feel happy. I’m proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and being able to mingle with people.

I go to sleep and hear a text early in the morning.

I’m a little hungover  to check so I ignore it.

But a few hours later, when I’m good…I do.

It’s *Tyler. Of course. When I don’t check my phone :0

“Hey Shahz. Hope you got back safe last night. I’m flying out right now.”

Wow. How nice of him to let me know.

We talk all week. “I can’t believe you actually wanted to keep in touch with me even though we didn’t even get time to go out” I say.

“Well. I was intrigued” he says.

I laugh. “By what?” I ask.

“You’re an easy person to talk to Shahz. You came up to me when you wanted to meet me and you talked to me like you knew me all my life” he says.

I smile.flower

Boston is an interesting place. No day is ever the same. The people here are amazing. They come, and they go. They thrive on change. Like me. I love it. I feel understood and appreciated. For once, I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

xoxo. S.

Eggshells

I must say the past week has been crazy stressful with an exam everyday, paper due every other day, and a presentation.

brisgeAnd my heartbreak over “Y” doesn’t really make things better. I will never understand why he abruptly stopped talking to me after one of the most amazing night’s ever. Oh well. His loss.

Other guys tried to come into my life, but they were all nothing compared to him. They weren’t respectful or caring like “Y” was. I message “Prince Player” for advice. We talked earlier in the day, but I needed to hear from him again.

I tell him a little bit about the situation.

“Don’t spend any time on them” he says.

I could die. People used to tell me the same thing about him!

And then he says, “I’ve changed a lot. I think it would be different if you were still here”.

I’m puzzled. “What would you do differently?” I ask.

“I would take you out on actual dates instead of that booty call thing we always did” he says.

My jaw drops.

I waited 4 years. 4. Y.E.A.R.S. For him to say that.

My heart beats fast. Why. Why now? When I’m gone?

How many times I gave a performance that got a standing ovation, and he wasn’t there to see my show. How many times I had to go to a ball, and he couldn’t be my date. How many times I wanted to discuss something serious with him, but I couldn’t. How many times he took pictures with other girls and posted it on social media, but not with me.How many times I wanted to wear a cute outfit and go out with him.

How many times I wanted to be that girl, but I wasn’t. Because we didn’t have that kind of relationship.

I swallow. Unbelievable.

Since we’re on the topic, I ask him about something that’s been bothering me.

“Do you still think I’m a princess?” I ask.

“No. I don’t think I ever did” he says.

“Then why did you call me that?” I ask.

“I guess I always just felt like I was walking on eggshells with you”.

I stare at my phone.

Eggshells. Eggshells.

My motivational talk about my ADHD I’m known for giving is called “Walking on Eggshells”.

But.

What the fuck does “Prince Player” mean by it? I ask him.

“Part of me was waiting for the day you would say ‘Look. I think I expected things that you didn’t’. And you showed that to me in various ways, but you didn’t say it”.

I swallow. I tell myself to be calm.

He is partially right. He is actually 95% right about it.

I tell him today will be the day I say it. And I do.

“Okay. I’ll say it today. Look. I think I expected things that you didn’t. I was raised on one value and one value only. Loyalty. I believe in it, and it doesn’t seem like you do and that’s totally fine. I shouldn’t be upset about it. It’s your life, and you should do what makes you happy. My version of happiness is different than your version of happiness. What makes you happy, is not what makes me happy. And I should have known better” I say.

It really was unreasonable for me to get as depressed as I did over his deciding to be with other women. It is his right and his choice to do so.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me <3” he responds.

I tell him he should have just told me that instead of calling me “princess”. As that comment really hurt me.

He says he doesn’t know why he did that and I laugh over how upset I was over it to find out he really didn’t mean it.

But then I stop realizing when I realize he still doesn’t know my side of the story. So I tell him.

“But look. This isn’t one sided. I’m not upset about what you did, I’m upset I had to find out from my enemies than from someone I love dearly!”I explain.

And I end it with “So that was me walking on eggshells with you”.

He thinks he had to walk on eggshells? Please.

I think about my friends showing me tweets “Prince Player” made to other girls or pictures tumblr_ltceiuxjpz1r0z3hjo1_500he posted with them.

I think about all our mutual friends saying bad things about him, but I would sit there and defend him and stay loyal to him.

Only to find out, what I found out.

For the love of god he can hook up with as many women he wants to. But having to hear that from those girls themselves or my enemies? I think I deserve better than that.

He just won’t get it. Well, maybe he does. Because after that, he’s always been very open with me. As I was with him. But still.

As I want to finally go out on that date with him, I’m glad I left.

Because part of me believes. Things would still be the same. And not much would be different.

Yet. I tell him he should come visit Boston one day.

He may not have been a great friend, but he was a good lover. He did make efforts to change throughout our relationship or whatever it is we had. And I miss him.

When we’re finished talking, I look down at my dress and heels.

A tear drop runs down my face.

Oh no. What “Prince Player” said was a good thing. Why am I crying?? I have a party to get to!

I get a call from Mr. Photography dude.

“Yasmeen says the board got denied funding. Use your connections and help them!”

I can’t even think. “Not now. Tell her I’ll call her later”.

“Shahz. What’s wrong?” he asks.

I begin taking off my heels. I lay in my bed. “Nothing”.

“Didn’t you have a party to go tonight?”

I lay on my pillow. “Yea but I’m not going” I say.

“Which guy did you talk to?” he asks.

I begin laughing. “What?”

“Every time you don’t want to go out it’s because of a guy!” he says.

“Player” I say.

“Go figure” he says.

“It was good. It wasn’t bad” I say.

“Then why do you sound sad?” he asks.

I stare at the ceiling. “I’m just thinking about what could have been” I say.

“Well stop. Because it wouldn’t have been!” he says.

“How do you know?” I ask laughing.

“Fate. You wrote about it on your blog remember?”

Oh yea. “How about what could be?”

“If it’s meant to be it will be. Speaking of which. Go to that party. You may meet some cute boys!”

I roll my eyes and put my heels back on.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

A Note to All the Current Men In My Life

  1. “Y”- How dare you? I have a “Dear Diary” kind of night with you. We have just about everything in common. We balance out each others negative qualities. You tell me about all these things you can’t wait to do with me. And you…leave me. After you made the plans… YOU. With no excuse. Not even a text. Oh. It’s your loss sweet pea. A girl like me won’t stay solo for long.
  2. “The Cellist”- I’m glad you’re back in my life. It’s only been what, 2 weeks? Yea. So I may have overreacted about what happened on our second date. I missed you every fucking day my shuttle went past your school and I saw all those cello players. I couldn’t listen to a single song because all of them had cellos in them.So yea we both said some things we regret. And now. We’re going to try again. But I need to be sure you’re not into me just because of my looks. So. There’s that.
  3. “Prince Player”- For once, I just love you. Thank you for being there for me thesefullsizerender3 past few weeks. Responding to my “how I survive grad school” Snapchats. And telling me about all the stuff you miss about me. And admitting your wrongs. And being there for me on crappy Saturday nights where my latest prince won’t show up on my doorstep :/ I think about you during those times. I’ll be looking at my Skyline remembering how you and I used to stare at the one in Chicago together. And how we’d always fight but it was just so magical when we made up ❤ And how you saved me from a lot of future heartbreaks because I know my limits.
  4. “Heart”- Leave me alone. I see you watching my stories, something you never do, until after I left. You had your chance. Quiet a few chances I must say. And you treated me like I was nothing special. You are a Sagittarius like me and you know that’s not okay.
  5. “Mr. Photography dude” and “Sidekick”- I love you both so much. Thanks for watching my back even though I’m far from you and being there to listen to my date fails. And knocking sense into my brain when I’m too blinded by feelings.
  6. Brother- It really bothers me that you don’t talk to me. I just went out on a date with  a guy just like you. An engineer that’s also an INTJ. I talked non-stop about you. I could imagine him being your brother-in law. But it didn’t work out. Anyways. Stop ignoring me. I know we don’t agree on anything. But. You’re my bro. You were my first best friend. I know we’re both busy and have opposite schedules, but let’s Skype sometime.
  7. Dad- I really miss you dad. Did you hear? I met a Libra. He’s just like you. Except I know him in a romantic way, so…it’s different. And also Sagittarius’s are super compatible with Libra’s so I’m excited. Like I met a Taurus and even though we’re not compatible astrologically, we were pretty compatible. And he treated me way better than the Libra. He’s an engineer too. And he lives next to us in Houston! You would have loved him. But he left me so…I’m seeing the Libra. He’s nothing like that lovely Taurus. But I feel more like myself around him. I don’t feel high maintenance. I can dress up and he calls me beautiful a 100 times. He responds to my texts in a timely manner. I feel like the Taurus thinks I am high maintenance. And he never checks up on me. Anyways the Libra’s birthday is only 4 days from yours. I wish I could come up and surprise you, but…it’s just so hard dad. I have all these quizzes, presentations, papers, and group stuff every week. Like during undergrad, I’d have one week where I didn’t have anything. It’s not like that here. There’s always something. On the bright side, my health is very good. I’m not sure my B-12 levels are good yet because I’m still tired, but I’m okay for the most part.

Yesterday my mom told me about all these things she bought. It was all…my favorite things. I tell her it’s really funny that she is remembering me, considering when I was home for the summer, she thought I was a brat :0 And then she told me, “Remember that song? ‘Only know you love her when you let her go’?” Oh yea. I do.

I wonder how many people feel that way about me right now.

Dating Part 5

“You see! This is why I was nervous!” I tell Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick on Skype.

“Okay calm down. How long has it been since you texted Y?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Yea we’re calling the dude Y now because I’m not happy…

“Um like 24 hours! And hello! I should not be the one texting him to make sure we’re still on. Ugh you see. This is the same thing that used to happen with Prince Player! But he would actually text back you know” I say falling on my bed.

I’m so mad. I worked hard all week so I can go out on my date.

“That’s what you get for cheating on player” Sidekick says.

I give him a look. “I’m not cheating on him. He isn’t mine. He never was. He doesn’t want to be. I just spoke to him by the way”.

Thursday nights have officially become my hard nights because I’m really used to going out that night. In undergrad, I had Fridays off and would start my weekends on Thursdays. But now I have one of my hardest classes on Fridays and I have hours of homework  on Thursdays.

This week’s assignment included analyzing my MBTI results from last week. Obviously I sent a pic to “Prince Player” because we discussed it the last time we saw each other. And he responds saying that he’s an ENFP too!

Oh my god. I always had a hunch that he was. Sometimes, he gets me in a way that a lot of people don’t. And I get him.

I remind him we talked about this on our last day together and he was like an INFJ or something.

But now he’s an ENFP.

I tell him I must have changed him ❤

He agrees and tells me he misses me.

I get sad. “I miss you too. I really miss you during times like this” I typed back as I wrote my essay.

“Me too. Remember on our last day I told you I like quick goodbyes…? Well. I feel it now” he responded.

Well then. About time. I always knew. That he would one day regret that we didn’t spend hours together on our last day. But oh well, what’s done is done.

I stare at the heels I wore last Saturday night.

14141721_876905802445257_5059560458876112988_nWhat a day that was. How could Y act like it was nothing.

“Just give it time. He has a full time job and school. He may be catching up on sleep or something” Mr. Photography dude says.

“He better have one hell of an excuse. Or I’m moving on” I say.

Reason #2 of why I don’t date. I HATE waiting. Hate it.

xoxo. S.