Dating After Emotional Abuse (Part 2)

“Look mama! I’m STRONG!” I proudly display my muscles on Facetime.

Her eyes widen. “Why do you keep lifting?” she asks.

“Because I feel so weak. And I want my stamina back” I say.

My mom looks at me sadly. “You know, your aunt went through a lot of heartache before she met your uncle. And look how happy she is now!” she says.

I half smile. Right. Dad’s sister. Everyone says I’m exactly like her. Sigh. I hope when it comes to that I get what she has.

I am overwhelmed by the responses I got for Dating After Emotional Abuse. This is the most liked and read post on my entire blog. I feel like, I just performed, and I got a standing ovation. Really.

In that post, I focused on what emotional abuse looks like. In this one I will explain how I’ve been feeling- 9 months post the event.

Well, I’m still hurt. Everyone I know is in a happy relationship. My friends from Chicago. My brother and his soon to be fiance. Even my on and off again parents, are so happy.

And here I am. Still scared. Still torn.

In my relationships before the abusive one, things would end because of things just weren’t working out with me and whoever I was with. It was sad, but I would tell myself I won. Every time I felt hurt by a guy, I would put myself into my books. Whether it was “C” and his lies. Whether it was waiting for “Prince Player” my freshman year of college. Whether it was “Heart” not asking me to the ball my senior year. Each time I caught myself thinking about them I would open up that Chemistry book, and study my heart out. And look where I am now. At my dream graduate school.

But abuse is different.

I still feel ashamed. That I stayed when I knew something wasn’t right.

I know, I know reader. I left before it got really bad. And for that I am proud. And I feel like I won in that sense.

But I’ve felt lost since then.

And I am still trying to find myself.

This is the longest time I have been single. And it is my favorite season. As much as it would be nice to have a Pumpkin Spice Latte with somebody, I don’t want to. Because, I am way too good at goodbyes.

xoxo. S.

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So Here’s What Happened

A week an a half ago, I was wrapping up my internship. A very stressful time of ending my job and submitting my project. I also got the news that I have been promoted from Executive Vice President to CO-PRESIDENT of my school’s club!! Wow, it just never stops for me. And I love it. I think. Anyways, that Friday night where I end this long week, I go to bed. I would have gone out but I was tired from all the work I did and had a photo shoot the next morning for my President picture 😉 So I passed out around 11.

Around 5 am I wake up. I feel uncomfortably sweaty. So I get up and turn up the AC.

I get in my bed when I hear an annoying vibrating sound. I look around and realize it’s my phone.

The first thought of all thoughts in my head is, “Why is my phone vibrating? Did I accidentally put my alarm on for work? Why would I do that? I know I don’t work on Saturdays”.

I grab my phone. I panic when I see the screen.

IT IS. “K”. His name appears in giant letters across my phone. The guy that emotionally abused me. And has had no contact with me for 6 MONTHS. Surely, this is a nightmare. But it’s not.

What the absolute hell??? I THOUGHT I HAD BLOCKED HIM!! Why is he calling me??? I put the phone on my coffee table and step away from it as if that will make it stop ringing. Or at least so I don’t accidentally touch my phone and answer the call. A minute later (or so it feels like), it stops.

My heart beats fast. I wait a few minutes. Now is when he should text saying it was a mistake, he didn’t mean to call me. But he doesn’t. I triple lock my doors. I usually only lock one of the locks, but that night I do all of them. He knows where I live, and he knows I live alone. I don’t know why he’s calling me, and this isn’t funny.

I block him and get back in bed. My heart is still beating fast but I have my photo shoot early in the morning and I need my sleep. I’m terrified. I say some prayers and fall alseep.

I had the worst nightmares. Terrible terrible nightmares. When I wake up, I tell Steven.

I had just told him about “K” when we talked about why I haven’t been in a relationship lately. He like “Prince Player” had been wondering why I hadn’t shared anything about my relationships lately as that is something I usually talk about.

“Must have been a prank call. Or accidental” he says.

“But why?? Who calls someone after 6 months??” I ask.

I decide to go to the gym. Usually I go at night, but that day, I don’t feel safe.

As I’m walking to the gym, I decide I can’t take it anymore. I don’t need to live like this. I want answers. I need to know I am safe.

I unblock “K” and text him.

“Why did you call me at 5 in the morning last night?” I text.

I keep an eye on my phone.

An hour later. I see three texts on my phone.

“Oh I think it was a pocketdial”

“But hi bee”

“How’s your summer?”

WHAT. THE. HELL????

  1. Pocket dial??? How do you “pocket dial” someone who is not in your “recents”?? And at 5 am??
  2. Hi bee???? How can he think it is okay to still call me this??
  3. HOW’S MY SUMMER?? Oh, I guess he forgot Winter and Spring too.

I go back to blocking him. All he had to say was, “Sorry. It was a pocket dial” (if it even was a “pocket dial!”) He has no business in my life anymore.

“He’s a player” my friend says.

“He was drunk. He probably didn’t remember” another friend said.

HELLO. WAKE UP PEOPLE. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I don’t care! I don’t care if he is a player or was drunk! Above both of these, he is an emotional abuser. And emotional abusers should not be contacting me!!

For the love of god, I only texted him to check that he was not out to hurt me. Not anything else. It bothered me that people still think I am the naive person I used to be.

So yes reader. This is why you haven’t seen me this past week. I have been trying to get over this, and defending myself (although I absolutely do not have to, I know I did the right thing).

He is blocked. I double checked he is blocked on just about every social media and anything on my phone. I guess I had only blocked him on social media before because I knew he would never call me or text me (and he didn’t!) until a week ago.

It is absolutely terrifying that right after I published that post about his abuse, right after telling “Prince Player”, Steven, and my other close friend about it- this happens. But everything is fine now.

Thank you Kaiya and Myka for being patient. I’ll have your letters out soon! 🙂

xoxo. S.

Dating After Emotional Abuse

“Do you have a dating life right now?”

This is what “Prince Player” asks me after I tell him The Big Sick reminded me a little of the way he and I was.

I frown. Only “Prince Player” can ask me that question and get away with it.

Hmmmm. Does hanging out with a guy once and never talking to him again count?? No I don’t think it does.

“No lol. Why?” I ask.

“I was just curious lol. I haven’t heard anything about that part of your life for a while” he says.

Ah. Of course. I’m sure my readers thought the same thing.

And here is why. The last guy, “K”, was emotionally abusive. And I didn’t know it. I missed all of the red flags.

Today, I am here to write share some of those red flags. Because I don’t want anyone to stick around for it like I did.

#1: When he found my birth control

K: “Shahz, what are these?”

Me: *grabs them from his hand* “Give me those, those are my birth control pills”

K: “But you told me you don’t have sex!”

Me: “I don’t. Those are to control the cramps and vomiting that happen every month when I get my period”

K: “Yea right you expect me to believe that? I have never heard of that excuse”

Me: *about to cry* “Then you clearly don’t know enough about them”

K: *gets angry* “What was that you just said?”

#2: When he saw my selfies with my best friend Jeanette

K: “Who’s this chick in all your Snapchats?”

Me: “My best friend Jeanette….”

K: “Is she a good girl?”

Me: *confused* “What?”

K: “I want to make sure you are hanging out with good people”

Jeanette is working on her Master’s with me. And works as a pharmacy tech. This guy had nothing near that. Really??

#3: When I hired a person trainer to help me with the weight gain my auto-immune disorder caused me this past year

K: “Seriously? Can’t you just watch Youtube videos instead?”

Me: “Um. I have more serious issues than that.”

K: “How would you feel if I had a personal trainer??”

Me: “I would be happy that you are taking care of your body and proud of the fact that you are working so hard!”

K: *laughs mockingly* “How much do you pay this guy?”

My personal trainer is gay.

#4: When we were cooking dinner and he opened a jar and accidentally got the contents all over my white walls

Me: *terrified that management is going to fine me for this, starts wetting a towel and wiping furiously* “Hey, can you help me with this?”

K: *tries for a second* “Ugh. I never had to clean a thing in my life. Just stop babe. I’ll hire a maid”

I agreed on a count of the mess he made was so bad and it stuck to the walls.

Those stains stayed there for two weeks. No word from him about the “maid” he promised to clean up the mess HE made.

Me (texting): “Hey. Can you please send that maid you said you were getting? Inspections are soon, and I don’t want to get fined”

Him (texting back): “Shahz wtf? Every time we go out, I take you to a nice fancy restaurant. On the rooftop. $100 meals. And you are upset about this??”

Wait what? He did that once. And may I say, people buying you expensive things/taking you nice places after they were mean to you- that’s emotional abuse.

Me: “Sorry”

I ended up hiring a maid myself. I saw an ad for one in my building. It was a guy’s cleaning company. I live alone in my apartment and was anxious about having a male stranger in my place, but it was my only choice. He had the most affordable rate.

Thankfully, he was a nice guy. He tried cleaning it and said the stains are so bad it won’t come out, and it will have to be painted.

My jaw dropped. But he offered to paint it for me and he did. $100 out of my savings. Gone.

And that was it. This happened right before Valentine’s day. I told “K” I took care of it and asked him if we will be taking me out for Valentine’s day. He said yes, and never showed up.

That is when I sent this text: “You know what. I can’t do this anymore. I’m loyal, I’m beautiful, and I’m smart. I deserve someone that will cherish that. Not someone that will make me beg and wait for his attention.”

And when he doesn’t respond, because he thinks he has more power than me, I decide I have more power. And I block him. On my phone, Snapchat, Facebook, and WhatsApp.

I haven’t had a “dating life” since.

Sure, I’ve been on several dates since then. But they haven’t lasted more than a week.

Because I am terrified.

After I realized what I had gone through was emotional abuse, I felt stupid.

I am better than this. I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I come from a good family.

This does not happen to girls like me. Girls like me don’t stay in relationships like this.

I should have known.

But I didn’t. I didn’t listen to my mom or brother who were the first people to notice “K’s” strange behavior.

And I feel bad.

I don’t want to declare a “dating life” until I have gone out with someone for more than 6 weeks. That’s my new rule.612923_xYm2zZKs

I am not sad. I am not hurt. I just want time.

The sad part about all of this is, these were just 4 incidents. There was an incident every time I saw him.

To many of you, I am like a little sister or daughter. The purpose of this post was not to make any of you sad or upset. It is so that you and anyone you love can understand the signs of emotional abuse. Because I missed those signs. And if people talked about it more often, I wouldn’t have.

With love,

Shaz