Mr. Photography dude vs. Mr. Film dude, “Heart” vs. his Best Friend,…and the Real Neat Blogger Award



I got nominated for the Real Neat Blogger award from Paul at The Captain’s Speech! Eep! This is such an honor because I am one of his biggest fans and awards show me that readers like my writing.

So first I must answer some questions,

1. What was the first job you ever had?

It was governmental. Very fun.

2. Which do you prefer: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

Which one does ice cream fall under?

3. If you had $100 in your pocket, what would you spend it on?

Gifts for all the people I love πŸ™‚

4. Fries or onion rings?

Tator tots would be fries right?

5. What was your favourite movie as a child?

13 going on 30.

6. How fast can you say the alphabet backwards?

3 seconds actually. It’s my hidden talent!

7. When was the last time you flew a kite?

5th grade.

So who shall I nominate? Allie at Little Allie Big World for making me giggle with her brutally honest stories, Ellie at Peanut Butter & Ellie for tempting me with all of her yummy food ideas, and Keri at for making me think! Congratulations ladies!

xoxo. S.

A very crazy week so far… how I almost lost my designer purse because I was distracted

I must take a pause from my “The Interview” series to update you guys (which by the way I must say is getting many reviews!) Thank you so much readers- I don’t know why you guys like it so much but my ratings have SKYROCKETED this week. I can’t wait to tell Mr. Photography dude πŸ™‚

So anyways. I almost made a terrible mistake this weekend! These kinds of things only happen during Mercury retrograde…and it’s not even Mercury retrograde yet! I’m sure from my last two posts you learned that I had a nice weekend being interviewed by Mr. Photography dude and was a little flustered over the fact that I had bumped into Prince Player Friday night. Anyways on Sunday morning, I was going to go work out and I reached to grab my Coach purse from the hook it usually sits on when…I looked and realized I was just touching a blank wall.

My heart started racing. WHERE WAS MY COACH PURSE THAT MY MAMA BOUGHT ME FOR MY 20TH BIRTHDAY?!? I’m not a spoiled brat or anything, that was the first designer purse my parents ever bought me. I started ransacking my room tossing everything all over the place. No luck. I started hyperventilating and asked myself where I last had it. So I thought to myself, the last time I had gone out was with Mr. Photography dude the day before- but I had taken my GUESS purse with me. So I thought to myself again, the last time I had it with me was…when I was eating ice cream with Jim in the student center and had bumped into Prince Player!!! Holy moly I realized. My purse has been missing since Friday!

I quickly got in panic mode and called campus safety because they usually have lost items. I was very calm until the nice security lady asked me if I checked my credit card statements. And then I realized, I don’t keep my credit cards in that purse… I only keep one very important thing in there….”No the only thing that’s in there is my Social Security Card!” I cried. And then I could feel the security lady’s panic “Oh my goodness. You might want to file a report”. When she said that for some odd reason I just said “Let me go check the student center first”.

And so I walk to the front deck all red eyed and tell the bratty desk attendent “Hi. Um I think I lost my purse here.” First she asked for my name. And then she asked me when I lost it. I said Friday night. Still sitting in disbelief, she asked me what it looked like. I said it was a brown Coach purse with C’s all over it. AND THEN, she wants to know what was in it. Before I started crying, I took a deep breath and said “$60 and my Social Security Card”. I’m sure I had a tampon and other things in there too but she didn’t need to know that. Finally, she smiled- “Okay it’s yours. We have it here.” I sighed a gigantic sigh of relief and she paged a security guard to bring it. I wanted to hug the guy when I saw him with it. I hugged it to my chest when I got it (and I swear I would have kissed it if no one was looking). I muttered a thousand thank you’s and went to Starbucks. I’m beaming and almost crying tears of joy.

I’m ordering my coffee and someone behind me says “Shahzzzzz!”. It’s Mr. Photography dude, I practically flung myself into his arms and greeted him hello.

“Whoa, you’re in a good mood” he said. I shake my head, “You’re not gonna believe what just happened!”

I tell him and he shakes his head in disbelief, “Why the fuck would you carry your social security number in your purse? Memorize it!”

I laugh. He asks me how I could almost lose my Coach purse that I keep glued to my body at all times. I give him a half smile and I’m about to tell him when the genius figures it out himself….

“HOLY SHIT. You were distracted weren’t you?” he says.

I try to play it dumb. “Distracted? Distracted by what?”

He grabs his coffee, “Um what? I think you mean who darling.”

I raise my eyebrows and still keep playing dumb. “Prince Player, Shahz! Prince Player!” he says.

Great he completely figured it out. I gasp, “No way sweetie. No way.”

“Um yea Sad Beauty. Didn’t you tell me once how you saw Heart in the Student Center and you lost your phone there because you were so distracted by his presence?”

Oh yea I did. I shrug, and then I can’t stop laughing. “Shut up okay?” I say.

Mr. Photography dude shakes his head and laughs, “No you better stop habibti, not all of your shit that you lose because you keep getting distracted will always come back to you”.

I roll my eyes at him, “Well neither will the men in my life! They won’t come back either!”

He shakes his head and smiles “You and your analogies. How are they doing?”

I shrug and pour cream into my coffee, “Well it seems. Neither are talking to me as usual.”

He leans over, “Look at me Sad Beauty”.

I do. “Give it time” he says. “If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back”.

Ah. So he’s talking about Heart. I’m glad he’s on Heart’s side. We shall see.

im a hot smart womenIt’s a very important year and I shouldn’t keep getting distracted…. This week I got some more news that through off my plans, I’m ineligible for the combined Bachelor’s/Master’s program that I was planning to do here 😦 What will my future look like now? Classes are challenging, the roomie’s boyfriend is here ALL THE TIME (he slept over and ate my mango ice cream last night :0 ), oh and did I mention my love for Heart? Right. Whatever it is, I won’t quit πŸ˜‰ I hope all this madness cools down and my readers are having a nice week πŸ™‚

xoxo. S.

The Good Parts of this Week

My last post didn’t really address the good parts about this week…I decided to write this one.

On Monday, I taught my students the unit on Academic Success. I told them the sob story (the story about me being diagnosed with ADHD my freshman year). The story of my weakness, a medication that turned me into something I’m not, and how I overcame it. I didn’t cry thank goodness, I kept it together. Every time I felt a tear coming on, I just swallowed and told myself that my story will help a student. And then finally, I got to the part where I told them that finally Spring quarter of last year, I got straight A’s. And I was done. They all clapped with tears in their eyes. I told them they didn’t need to give me applause haha, and then they just clapped even more. The professor too. Their final papers that I have graded so far have been amazing, each one talked about what I meant to them.

It was “Prince Player’s” birthday this week. I debated whether or not I should wish him. And then I thought I was being silly, regardless of what we’ve been through- I still value our friendship. So before I went to class, I quickly texted him wishing him and telling him that through all of our ups and downs- I can still stand him and I wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship. I thought he wouldn’t reply because he probably got a lot of wishes from females, BUT HE DID! He said thanks and agreed that despite everything that happened, I’m a blessing to him. I swear I choked up in class. And then I wondered how many other girls he said that too. And then I shrugged it off. This is the stage of PMS where I am emotional. I asked myself if “Heart” would say I’m a blessing and wondered if he thanks God for my presence in his life, my guess is no. But still. It was nice of “Prince Player” to say that.

I looked at my phone and smiled, Mr. Photography dude wanted to know what I was smiling at.

“An old lover” I said.

I hope you“Do you miss him?” he wanted to know.

I looked at the floor. “Sometimes”.

“You probably miss your new lover huh?” he asked smiling.

“I just hope they’re happy” I said.

“Well Sad Beauty. I hope you’re happy one day. I hope you stop tearing yourself apart over these men. I hope you get to walk on another runaway. I hope you become a teacher and inspire more students. I hope you can learn to be happy.”

I placed my camera down and looked at him.

I laughed to myself, “I am” I said.

What a nice thing for him to say.

xoxo. S.

9th Week Back At School: I’m Okay (In ADHD, Love, and Roommates- A Letter to “Heart”)

I’m okay. Pull my bra straps up. Put my make-up on. Tell myself I’m okay again. That’s the daily routine.

Yesterday was a hard day. I had to laugh and pretend to be happy- but I wasn’t.

It’s been a crazy week preparing for my research exposition and finals.The new treatment has been helping me with my grades, but I’m starting to feel weak. Roommate #1 has a boyfriend now and he is constantly here. And of course, Roommate #2 already has a boyfriend and he is constantly here as well. They wanted me to hang out with them, but I wasn’t interested in being the fifth wheel. Thank goodness I already had plans. I had a feeling you wouldn’t be coming over, so I went out to a Greek restaurant with a few of our friends. I found it interesting how the restaurant played a lot of Arabic songs and had belly dancers. I thought of you the entire time. Ironic that yesterday was the one year of me catching your eye while I was belly dancing at the party. I love going out and having a good time, but I only like to dance for you and you know it! At one point, I had to go to the restroom and take a deep breath- the music and dancing was way to familiar. This isn’t easy, and ADHD makes it way harder.

Then I had to go to a meeting. I saw “Prince Player” and didn’t talk to him. At least I tried not to. My body was getting heated. After what he said in our little snapchat I was pissed. But he said hi, so I said hi back. That was it. Are you happy?

But it isn’t him that makes me feel so pathetic. And it isn’t you. Well it is but not really. IT’S EVERYONE. Because, a few people had the nerve to ask me about us. They informed me that everyone is saying we had a big fight and are over. What nonsense. If only they knew the truth. And then they wanted to know what was really going on- I told them it was none of their freakin’ business. This new treatment is making me insane and I am easily irritated. No one understands how I feel, they hear but they don’t listen. Except you and Sam.

You know Sam. Stop stealing all my best friends! I heard you guys go out once a week. He thinks your cool. I went out with Sam after the meeting. He told me I should forget you, and “find a new fish”. I like how he is a friend to you, but is a friend to me and protects me at the same time. But I can’t forget you. I am a mess. Last year, it was you that came into my life and reminded me of how perfect I am. And remembering how you hate me being sad, I keep telling myself everyday that I am okay. I am. I am. I am. I am.

But… please stay with me, because you’re all I need 😦

xoxo. Unsure if I am still your eyes and soul.

That day I told “Heart” about “Prince Player”….Celebrating Our One Year By Myself

I remember being in our lust phase when “Heart” and I were flirting one day. And all of a sudden, “Prince Player’s” actual name came up. He was just talking about some random dude who has the same name as “Prince Player”.

“I don’t like that name….that’s the name of the guy who dumped me” I said.

“Aw. Why?” Heart asked.

“Because he was a player. Hooked up with one of my good friends too” I said.

“Oh I’m sorry Shahz” he said.

“It’s okay, I deserve better” I said.

“EXACTLY. One day, some girl will play him and he will understand” he said.

I laughed but I felt bad. “I don’t know…” I said.

“Look Shahz, you live and learn. One day you will meet a guy who will be so good to you” he said.

And then as we got closer, I told him that “Prince Player” said my butt was smaller than the other girl’s… “Heart” smirked- “What? I think it’s perfect!” he said as he grabbed it and winked.

It was on this exact day last year I caught his eye and he completely turned my world upside down. Out of these 5 weeks that he hasn’t come over, I was hoping he would today to celebrate. But obviously, he didn’t.

boysIt’s been a very tough week because of this. I have been so down and emotional. Today I made a joke to “Prince Player” saying how he shouldn’t slack because our baby camel needs child support (read My hope is in a little stuffed camel… thanks to him.) And this baby daddy says “he ain’t gettin any”. And instead of getting heated, I just said “Oh. I forgot you have other babies….” To which he responded “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” I must have some serious PMS because I was not okay with him saying all that!!! What a douchebag thing to say. He just made it obnoxiously clear to me that he is with other girls. Which, why would I care anyway as I like “Heart”? Oh that’s right, because I haven’t seen “Heart” in over a month.

I hate how neither of them are there for me when I need them. For what it’s worth though, this year has been one of the best years of my life because “Heart” was a part of it. I miss him so much, I can’t stand it.

xoxo. S.

Things I Learned This Week…6th Week Back at School

What a week. I can proudly say midterms are over and I have learned a lot of things this week.

Again, I didn’t get to see “Heart” but I bumped into “Prince Player” again. Briefly. I decided to go talk to him, my friend gave me a look shaking his head- I mouthed “shut up” to him. “Hi!” I said really perkily. He asked me if I was drunk. No, I just didn’t take my meds that day… He asked me how I was, how my love life was, how midterms were. I answered all his questions. He seemed nice, but…flustered. It’s probably been a busy week for him as well.

Today, in class, Mr. Photography came over to me again. “Didn’t recognize you without your runway gear, Sad Beauty”. My jaw was on the floor, he was at the show?? What a stalker. “I’m glad you enjoyed the show, bye now” I said. He laughed and walked away. He loves my sass. And then went off to flirt with other girls because of my rejection. Oh well.

So what did I learn this week?

1.) Sleep at night is important

If I don’t get it then, I will get in the morning…as I miss the alarm and sleep through my morning class :0

2.)Having two guys stuck in my head is okay

It’s not my fault neither of them want a commitment. I love one-but he doesn’t believe in a future with me. I like the other- but he is a player and I feel insecure around him. But both of them have taught me a lot and bring so much into my life. If one more person tells me I don’t understand what it’s like to be in a committed relationship, I will flip. They don’t get it.

3.) Being a sizwhy fit ine 4 model is totally fine

Didn’t I prove that as I strutted my stuff in the fashion show? πŸ˜‰ And wasn’t it this year’s Miss Indiana in the Miss USA pageant that did the same exact thing as a size 4? We are healthy, we are women, the “normal” model/pageant size does not matter when we love ourselves and what we do.

4.) I don’t have to be a model to be happy

I used to love doing things like pageants and fashion shows to give me confidence and make me happy. But the thing is- I’m already happy. The best part of my “fashion show weekend” was the moment it ended and I went out with my best friend to eat tacos and gossip. As soon as I got home, I took off all the make up the make-up artist put on me- I didn’t need any of that. And then I woke up the next morning, took my midterm, and did really well on it! Isn’t this the joys of life? Having great friends, feeling naturally beautiful, and succeeding in something you working really hard for?

I’d like to think so πŸ™‚

xoxo. S.

What I Learned From Being A Model For A Day…

About a month ago I saw a casting call at my school for runway models. This event they wanted models for was a charity event, it was $10 for guests to get in and all proceeds would go to the charity. This is a very fancy fashion show where everyone comes dressed up and watch 40 models wear designer outfits. I went to the show freshman year, and I just wanted to be one of the models more than anything.

So this year, when I saw the ad for the casting call- I decided to go. I get it. I’m not tall, I have hips, and I’m exotic- not your typical model. But this is for a charity and I hoped that’s what the judges understood. They sure did because when I went for my casting call, they made me comfortable saying I have an awesome name and for me to do a “walk” for them. I gave it my best, they smiled a lot, and a week later- I found out I made it πŸ™‚

So yesterday was the big day. I was exhausted because I was studying for a midterm until 5 am Saturday night. Not to mention, I was flustered because I had bumped into “Prince Player” a few hours before that night and we had a long discussion. I didn’t know what to say to him, I love “Heart” but something tells me that I’m only 99% over “Prince Player” (which isn’t enough). And I can’t figure out what it is about him that I can’t get over.

Make-Up Preparations:

I wake up Saturday morning feeling exhausted and nervous. The manager for the show said wear little to no makeup so I just dabbed on some eyeliner and went.

When I got to rehearsal at 11:00 AM, I noticed every model was tall!!! Duh. I felt awkward immediately. One girl decided to point out I was wearing eyeliner and it was unfair :0 But a few hours later, the designer came to choose clothes for us and a lot of them had trouble wearing the stuff πŸ™‚ Whereas, cute little petite me fit a beautfiul wrap around dress perfectly ❀ And the girl that made the comment about my eyeliner? Nothing fit her and she got a dress that looked like a farmer dress haha πŸ™‚ She was so mad!

Some models were very picky and wanted to wear a second outfit- so they got it. I only got one so I knew I had to own the runway while it was my chance.

A few hours later, we had to practice walking for the coordinators of the show. They did a run-through 4 times and said I had it down pretty well. But by that 4th run through, my feet were killing.

So an hour after that, people started coming for the show and we still hadn’t gotten our makeup and hair done!

And so I was rushed to the make-up artist and she did a beautiful job. A little too beautiful actually- I did not recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. But I barely had time to look because I was then rushed to the hair stylist. The fashion manager told the stylist to give me big bouncy curls so she did- it took 45 minutes and models were starting to get in their places for the runway.

So as soon as my hair was done, I thanked the hair stylist and quickly went to get into my dress!

Dress Preparations:

The dress I got to where was unique, it was a “wrap around dress” and there was a unique way to wrap it. So I come out of the bathroom with it totally open and asked for help. Both a model volunteer and fashion show manager shut the door immediately and got my outfit together. Even when the dress revealed more of my…chest then it should have, the fashion show manager took a safety pin and closed it up making the dress look classier and elegant than ever!

The Runway:

Pretty soon. Models were going one by one onto the runway! I thought there would be two models at a time (there were two sides to the runway) but know- every model was going individually. I waited and waited with my heart beating fast…

And finally the production manager cued me in and I walked out the door to the runway. The first thing I noticed were the flashing lights and cameras in my face. Before I fainted, I smiled really big and strutted my stuff in a medium pace to the music. I heard a lot of “ooos” and “ahhhs”. Then there was the press, so I posed with my hands on my hips and gave them a big smile.

And that was only the first part of the runway. I then had to walk to the other side and pose again. This time after I walked, I tossed my hair and gave the new side a smile. I heard someone yell “Ya!” And then I started doing my final walk off the runway- there were even bigger flashing lights and I told myself to breathe as people still had their eyes glued to me.

Finally, it was the next model’s turn and BAM! I had just done my first ever runway show πŸ™‚

I walked out for the audience to clap after all the models had their turn and I finally noticed all the friends that came out to see me πŸ™‚ They were all shouting my name and I felt so humbled ❀

I texted my mom a photo and she said she was proud of me and that I looked amazing.

After the Show:

At last, it was time to take off the $200 dress I was wearing and go back to being an ordinary girl. I put on my normal $25 dress I bought from Forever 21 and went to thank my friends for coming. They were all sweet and generous. My feet and thighs were killing- my best friend held my arm as she walked me home ❀ Before that though, we stopped at the cafeteria and I had what I have been craving before the show- tacos.

As we walked home laughing and talking about midterms- I realized I don’t really have to be a model to be happy… I love being me and the friends I have ❀

xoxo. S.

A much better week back at school…in love and hormones

So after recovering from “Prince Player’s” usual behavior, I walked into class Monday telling myself that this is a new week and I’ll be okay. Right when the professor started talking, I got a text from “Heart” asking if I was available, his class was cancelled and he was in the area. I definitely was not available, I had that class I was in and my TA job afterwords. So I sadly told him I couldn’t see him and went to teach (it went much better this week by the way!) After I got back, I was so tired but thrilled to get a call from him. We talked for a while and agreed we would try to meet up Tuesday.

But then Tuesday came, and well…Aunt Flo decided to show up before he did! I was in so much pain and I didn’t know how to tell him…but thankfully, he was busy and couldn’t make it. And we talked on the phone again.

I was so sick. I ate a lot of ice cream and chocolate… My hormones kept waking me up in the middle of the night for various things.

the notebookStill I missed him so much and just wanted to be with him. The more people tell me he’s bad for me and I should find someone else, the more I want him. He said we will try next week.

But yesterday, right as I was asking myself if I should call him or eat some chocolate…he called saying he was in the area and can stop by πŸ™‚

So as he stood in my apartment, I looked at his beautiful face I hadn’t seen in over three weeks and held it in my hands. God I missed him. I sat on his lap and told him I can’t take this, he embraced me as he said he is sorry he can only see me once every three weeks or less because of work, family, and school. His hands on my curves took away every ounce of pain I was experiencing. It didn’t last as long as I wanted… he had to get to class later.

“Hey. At least I was able to see you babe. Isn’t that what matters?” Yea I guess…

Whatever it is, I felt so happy for the first time in three weeks. I feel complete and so full of…life. I couldn’t stop smiling after he left yesterday.

Mr. Photography dude started flirting with other girls in class today…guess he couldn’t handle my rejection well. And let’s not even talk about “Prince Player”, my cramps are getting worse as I think of him.

Anyways, “Heart” really turned my week upside down- I hope next week is good too. Midterms start and I have all of these exams and presentations in the next two weeks. Wish me luck πŸ™‚

xoxo. S.

My dearest wish…will it come true?

Yesterday and today, I decided to be good and go out with my friends. For people with ADHD, this is not always an easy thing to do. That’s why I said I decided to be “good”.

P1020663So yesterday, we went to Chinatown and ate at a Chinese restaurant. At the end, I got a fortune cookie saying “your dearest wish will come true”.

It’s true, I could really use one right now.

Today, just as I thought my bad week was ending- I got other news. I didn’t get the second job I wanted on campus after making it to the final round of their interview 😦

So, I put my phone with the email down and pulled my knees into my chest. I was sleeping and the notification woke me up. After some sighing and moaning, I finally got up. I regretfully decided to take a 3 hour photography class on Fridays this quarter and had to get ready.

I sat in class feeling like hell. I knew I would burst at any moment. And then, this guy who I’ve been eyeing all quarter came over to me.

“What?” I asked.

I was not in the mood to flirt today.

“What’s wrong with you, Shahz?” I swallowed back tears.

“Nothing…” I said.

“Can I take a picture of you?” he asked.

“How about no?” I responded.

“But you look so cute when you’re sad…” he said with a wink.

“Fine” I said smiling a little.

And so he did. Next thing you know, it’s up on the classroom screen with the title- “Sad Beauty”. And the class loved it.

Oh my. I have got to stop portraying myself this way 😦 There are so many good things happening in my life, but of course… I can only focus of the things that are going bad and keep wishing for a better day.

Sigh. Help me fortune cookie.

xoxo. S.

Second Week Back At School

Today there was a fire drill. I was sleeping very peacefully in my lingerie. Every time there is a fire drill, I’m always not ready. Last time I was in the shower. And this time- well I just told you. I quickly pulled on some leggings and a hoodie hoping nobody I knew would walk by and see me standing outside looking so…tired. Hey, you never know when these things are real or a drill.

May I just say “Prince Player” never ceases to amaze me with his poor word choice lol…?

Last week, after training- I bumped into him a few days later. I was sitting with a friend and telling him all about my summer and fantastic (or so it was then) love life. And “Prince Player” popped out of no where.

So he started conversing with us and asked me for a hug. I declined because I was hating him at the time for…well you know, for being a player. And then he starts telling our friend how I get annoyed quickly and says- “It’s easy to get to the bottom of her hole! I know how to get to the bottom of her hole!”

I just burst out laughing. I don’t know who felt more awkward- me, our friend, or him. I think he realized what he said and quickly stated, “Oh my god. Bye” and shook my hand as he walked away. I was to busy laughing to decline this intimate contact with him.

So after he left, our friend gave me a look.

“NO. DON’T” I said.

“So….does he know….? How to get-” he started asking.

“NO. NO. NO. NO” I said.

I’ll be damned if he does.

love-quotes-for-her-if-you-just-give-me-a-small-chance_largeAnyways, things have been going okay. Some days my teeth hurt so bad, some days I can barely feel it. My classes are not too bad and my first day of teaching went well. “Heart” didn’t come over this week and he explained to me for the billionth time that this isn’t going to work out because of his work/family life. “I don’t want to keep you waiting, hun” he said. I told him it doesn’t have to work out, I just want to see him and I will continue to wait.

So yea 😦 I’m a little sad. And I know I shouldn’t trust him and keep waiting for him. But I still want him.

xoxo. S.