Pressure: And Other Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View

There is pressure from my professors to prepare presentations and papers on top of finals as the quarter ends.

There is pressure from my dad to focus more on studying for the exam portions of classes although all these components are necessary to pass :0 There is pressure from my mom to study for the GRE every single night at 10:00 in between all my other work. Or is it the other way around?

There is pressure from the men in my life. One wants me not to feel sad or different. The other makes me feel different… Or is it the other way around?

There is pressure from my executive board. I am picking up everyone’s slack….

I feel like I am a rubber band being stretched around.

Ugh. Last night I had a dream. One was that I was running away from blades and shortly after, was a dream about…”Heart”.

As I am leading “Heart” into the elevator to get to what seems like my apartment, my phone rings.

Ugh it’s Mr. Photography dude, “Not now!” I say half asleep. I go back to sleep and see nothing 😦

“Ooooo what happened?” Mr. Photography dude asks when I call him back in the afternoon.

“It was. A really good dream. I was all dressed up and flirty. I knocked on “Heart’s” dorm room door. (This is rather weird because “Heart” never lived in a dorm). I hugged him and wanted to…be intimate with him, but he had a roommate. “Heart” being very chill introduces me and I tell him we should go to my place. And then we get in the elevator. And it goes up and down- never reaching my floor” I say.

“That’s so weird. And before that you had a dream you were running away from someone with blades?!?” he asks.

I sigh. “Yea. Weird shit.”

We decide to look it up. “To dream of a blade means you are making some difficult and important decisions. You need to be able to make clear distinctions between your choices. You are walking on a thin line and need to balance aspects of your life carefully.”

“What important decision are you making?” Mr. Photgraphy dude asks.

“Whether or not to cut ‘Heart’ out of my life” I say laughing.

“No! Don’t even say that” he says.

I roll my eyes and we look up what the elevator thing may mean. “The up and down action of an elevator represents the ups and downs in your life. Alternatively, it may have sexual connotations.”

“Yes, definitely the second part” he says.

I burst out laughing. “Oh my god!!! No!!!” I say.

And finally I look up what running away from an attacker may mean. “To dream you are running away from someone indicates an issue you are trying to avoid. You are not taking responsibility for your actions.”

Damn. “Aha, bingo” Mr. Photography dude says.

“What am I not taking responsibility for?!” I ask, but I’m afraid I already know the answer.

“That you overreacted about the ‘Heart’ thing last week. He has been loyal to you for a very long time and you’re using this one thing against him” he says.

gvNwY7N“I already told you. What he said isn’t nice.  He’s an idiot” I say.

“You know when you call a man ‘idiot’ it means you really love him right?” he asks laughing.

My eyes well up. Yea, I do know. Maybe I’m using what he said to finally get over him…so that I can stop being his pressure 😦

xoxo. S.


So my trip to Boston was exactly what I thought it would be. It was indeed, nothing but politics. Which is sad because Boston is a very beautiful city with lots of awesome people! But sadly, I was in conferences all day long with my executive board and partners. Half of whom, are quite catty and make my job- a nightmare.

Z, “Prince Player”, Mr. Photography dude, and a few other friends kept me sane throughout the trip as they responded to my snapchats or texted checking up on me. Of course, “Heart” didn’t do either but he never really does. I was so relieved when I got back to school, I am definitely a Chicago girl. But still, I was overwhelmed with my mom being in Qatar, failing Microbio, balancing 5 classes, and a lot of other things. When I looked at my calendar, I noticed that the next day- “Heart” was supposed to come speak to the class I TA for. Oh crap! I had totally forgotten about that. I text him and he says he doesn’t think he will be able to make it after all.

I shake my had. I’m happy I don’t have to see him in public, but, honestly- he wanted this, I worked hard to fit him into my class schedule, and he’s cancelling? It made me so mad. But I didn’t have time to be mad, the next day I was going to present the unit about Academic Success Skills and give my inspiring speech about ADHD.

Tuesday morning I wake up with Anxiety. I really don’t want to do it. I am so late for class, it’s so early in the morning I just want to sleep. I snapchat player and “Heart” about how I can’t get out of bed. Surprisingly, player responds. He’s in solidarity with me also having to wake up early and struggling. I smile and begin getting ready. It’s a very good thing “Heart” wasn’t as my speech became emotional and ran long. It was more emotional than I intended because this was my last time teaching, the last day of my TA job. When I looked up, even my students were crying! It was already a very emotional day. But “Heart” and I had originally planned to meet up afterwords so I still wanted to see him.

He asks me how my trip was. I say it was good and shrug. “Harris told me it was great!” he says.

Yea I bet. “Oh my god. What? What is it?” he asks. “Nothing” I say turning my face.

God. I was so stressed with how Boston didn’t go the way I wanted to and how Microbio may possibly put me on scholarship probation.

“Just tell me. I know you. I know something is wrong. Say it” he says.

I look at him, “I didn’t like the conference.”

“Okay why not?” he asks.

“I felt like an outsider. Everyone was speaking Arabic, I don’t know Arabic” I say.

“Okay so? I love the Hispanic culture and I don’t speak Spanish. I never feel like an outsider when I attend conferences with my Hispanic partners!” he says.

I shake my head. He just doesn’t get it. This isn’t about him. I just want to cry. I know he’s only trying to help but his words- also make me feel like I was an outsider.

“My mom’s getting more sick. So I can’t come see you often, kay?” he says.

I just nod. I don’t get why he’s saying this without emotion. This is not the way we used to be. “How’s class?” he asks changing the topic.

“Bad. I’m failing Microbio and may not graduate on time” I say turning away.

“What the heck is Micobio? Small biology?” he asks. For the first time I burst out laughing. I nod.

“Well, how do you know you’re failing? All you gotta do is get a C to pass. I major in something harder than you, Computer Science. I failed 2 tests and still got a B in the class” he says.

I don’t believe it.  Again, he’s making it all about him 😦 Doesn’t he get that I’m different and my situation is different? His classes have other assignments that bring him up, mine is solely based on exams!

I turn away again. “Okay you’re being weird, I’m just going to go now” he says.

What? When did he become like the rest of society? Could he not see how depressed I was? I think he’s joking.

But no. He grabs his backpack, and leaves. I think he’ll say goodbye, I think he’ll give me a hug, but no- he straight up leaves. I lay in shock, and cry my eyes out. I can’t believe what just happened. I’m done with him.

It wasn’t like the time “Prince Player” left me in a rude way because he at least had the decency to hug me and say “You sure you’re okay? I’ll text you”. But “Heart” did nothing.

I cry about the fact that the one person who was always there for me, has suddenly become like everyone else. I wipe my eyes and my hands are black from all the eyeliner and mascara that came off because of him. At that moment, I get a snapchat from “Prince Player”. I had snapchatted him before leaving class saying “I’m ready to take over the world, but I just want to go back to bed”.

I open it and it is a response to that message. “Same, I have 2 presentations today. Fuck this”

I smile. I want to respond but “Heart” just left me like trash and I look terrible. It is fate that player and “Heart” (he used to) gets me at my worst. I cover my one eye that’s messed up and take a snap. It looks nice. “Yea seriously fuck all of this” I caption it. He never responds but it’s okay, it means a lot he was feeling crappy when I was feeling crappy.

The next day I would tear up randomly. Thinking about what an asshole “Heart” is, the work I have for my 5 classes as well as my teaching class, how I need to apply to grad schools, and how I just want to talk to my mom but I can’t when I want to because she’s in Qatar.

12208346_720261978109641_4297035767501531711_n“Maybe when things are better and you’re not failing Microbio, you will like “Heart” again. And maybe when things are not so tough on him, he will start treating you right again” Mr. Photography dude says.

I smile. I’m glad he’s still on the “Heart” bandwagon, because I’m not.

I guess you could say, I’m overwhelmed.

xoxo. S.

Nothing But Politics Part 2

It’s funny how things change drastically the second I publish a post. After publishing the last post, I bumped into “Prince Player” :0

And he was actually nice to me! It was our first encounter since that moment he told he liked another girl and he came over to see me so I could be his “last impulse”. I expected it to be awkward, but instead he sat next to me and started acknowledging me unlike last time. He asked me how I have been. I said I was good. I mean I was. I have been so down because my mother is in Qatar, and Mircrobio really stinks- but that day I was happy because I was leaving for Boston.

And then he offered me a piece of his orange. We both took a bite and made a face at each other.

“It’s so sour!!!!” I said laughing.

He agreed. Seriously, how could I continue hating player? :p He always shares with me.

Soon we were split into groups to present the rough draft of our senior project. Basically, a story about a change we experienced through our journey at college and how our program has helped us along the way. I obviously talked about my bump in the road with ADHD and anxiety freshman year (and all throughout college). Player presented his story first. He shared about how he had a video game addiction a while ago. Player told me before, but to hear it with our friends surrounding us and with more detail- I felt for him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to help him. Because I remembered. His addiction was happening over the summer, when we talked more than we ever talked before. He would respond late to my messages because he was playing! Even before he told me, I already knew. My dad used to have a gaming addiction too. And the signs were so clear in player. When he was done, I felt all warm. I did not know he was such a good writer.

And then it was my turn. I hated reading my story. I never like telling it. I consider it the “ugly” part of me. But, people need to know and history needs to be re-written.

“Okay I’m done” I said when I was finished. I looked down

Everyone was smiling at me, including player. It was uncomfortable because player already knows what I have been through and he had the most critiques for me. I smiled as he critiqued me. Because. I thought about how much he and I have grown since that time in my life.

After it was over, I started slowly walking back home. I wanted player, but I know he doesn’t like me the way I like him- so I just walk alone. I also wasn’t anxious like I was at the last meeting, and neither was he. Which is why I was not surprised when he called out after me.

“Are you walking home?” he asks. I smile at him, “Yea”. He smiles back, “I’ll walk you.”

I laugh. “Aren’t you gonna walk me home?” he says in a girly voice mocking the way I asked him to walk me home two months ago in About Last Week….

I laugh and shake my head, “I didn’t ask this time because I knew you would judge me!”

He suggests we hang out. I smile. In my head, I don’t think it’s a great idea considering what he shared with me last time. But if he’s asking me, it means things didn’t go right with his other girl. And, I was leaving for Boston in a few hours anyway, so I wouldn’t need to see him for a long time (not that I didn’t want to, he never wants to hang out for long). So it all worked out for both of us.

As we talk, I see I have a missed call from Harris (President of my club, “Heart’s” best friend. I talk to him about logistics for the trip. The politics continues as he shares with me some information I did not know. I am so upset but player is there so I try to keep my cool. “You’re so loud!” player says. My jaw drops, “Shhhh!!!!” I mouth. Does he not get I’m on the phone with “Heart’s” best friend. And does he not know us Arabs talk loud :0 Finally, I am done. And it’s time to hang out with player.

Everything went well. Player was so caring. Way too caring.

“What happened to your other girl?” I ask lifting my chin.

He looks me dead in the eye. “Don’t worry about her” he says.

Ohhhhhhh. Something is not right here.

“We’re not talking” he says.

11205053_715850011884171_2333495941459492648_nAh. Bingo. So he wants to use me. Lovely.

“Yea you know I’m with you because it’s the only thing I can get”.

I sit stone cold. What. How rude can he be. But then, I slowly realize, he didn’t mean it like that. And quite honestly, I feel the same way about him. Yes, I have “Heart” but he doesn’t get me like he used to.

Player continues makes a few more insensitive comments, particularly about his interest in other women, but that’s just player. I laugh it off and he tells me to send him pictures while I’m in Boston. I tell him I will and I am happy when he leaves. For once I wasn’t crying. Now I didn’t have to worry about that during the trip, and “Heart” had been good lately too so I didn’t have to worry about that either.

But still. Neither of the happiness both of them gave me could prepare for all the drama I was about to encounter on my trip. It was, just like I predicted, nothing but politics.

xoxo. S.

You Always Look So Sad, And It Worries Me (the past week and a half)

I can picture many readers rolling their eyes at me right now :0 Sorry! It is so unlike me to “disappear” no matter how stressful things get. But after bumping into “Prince Player” in the last post, midterms, my terrible Microbio grade, preparing to go to Boston to represent my club, mingling with “Heart’s” club, battling a cold, my iPhone dying (forever) and my laptop temporarily dying…well, things were tough to say the least.

Anyways, my laptop is fixed and I will be getting a new phone soon so that’s good 🙂 But oh my, I chose the wrong week to take a blogging break because SO much happened while I was away!

“Heart” didn’t show up the day I wrote the last post, but we did talk all throughout the entire weekend. I was happy to talk to him after the horrible way “Prince Player” treated me. I was even happier when he came to see me a few days later! I was lecturing to my students, my throat sore from my cold, when I saw a text appear on my phone (an old temporary phone I’ll be using until my new phone comes!). He was in the area working on a project and wanted to see me!

I am having a great time hanging out with him after I’m done teaching class. He touches my face and says he missed me. I tell him how I am so stressed in balancing my classes and trying to study for the GRE at the same time. He says I need to make time for both. When the basic convo is done, I get into the politics I’ve been meaning to talk to him for a long time. And I didn’t mean to! He started it I swear :0

“I like your club, but I don’t like your advisor. She says my club is too political and our clubs shouldn’t collaborate together” he says randomly.

I look away. “I agree with her. She has a point.” Ooooo big mistake.

“NO SHE DOES NOT HAVE A POINT!-” “Heart” starts.

“Yes she does! My club is more cultural and your club is more political. They don’t mix!” I say.

“Shahz. Everything is politics! Your lipstick is politics, your straightened hair is politics, you belly dancing is politics-” he says.

“Oh so now this is about me belly dancing in public. That’s why you don’t come to any of our events. Because I belly dance” I say smirking.

“Maybe it is. I don’t agree with it” he says.

I lean in close to him, “Oh…but you wouldn’t mind me belly dancing privately for you now would you?”

“Yea that would be way better than you doing it in public” he says seriously. “But really, everything is politics”.

tumblr_ndmcg4YTfc1qe0b0go1_500“How cute. Our first political fight. I guess this is what happens when two lovers run partnering organizations” I say laughing.

“We’re not lovers” he says smiling.

I give him a look.

“You’re graduating soon and we need to start distancing ourselves. I won’t be coming around here much” he says.

“Fine. Don’t” I say. Isn’t this exactly what I told him in his car over a month ago? Back then he didn’t agree and now he does? :0 I wonder to myself.

He shakes his head. “You always look so sad, and it worries me.”

My eyes well up with tears, “I worry you?” I ask.

He nods and pulls me close.

“Sweetie. I have ADHD, anxiety, and I’m trying to graduate” I say in panic.

He tells me I need to find things that relax me and stay calm. Why doesn’t he understand, it’s people like him that relax me and keep me calm 😦

Soon he leaves and I feel happy. I feel whole, I feel complete, I’m smiling again. Even though he said we need to start “distancing ourselves”. But that happiness quickly changed only 48 hours later.


xoxo. S.

The Long Walk Home- In midterms, love, and politics…

“Congratulations, you have been approved for 75% in funding!”

Better than no funding at all. I look at Mr. Photography dude and smile. I hug the rest of my board members, it feels like we won a court case or something. And really, it’s the only good thing that happened all day 😦

Today, I taught my class that I TA from 8-1. I was up at 7 after working on homework until 3am last night. And, my students were oh so rowdy today :0 They cussed, they asked inappropriate question, oy ve. After it was finally over,  I somehow managed to finish my midterm paper in between that and my next class. And when I went to print out my paper for the class, boy was I in for a surprise.

After I printed my paper, I turn around only to see “Prince Player” walking into the computer lab. Oh my god, I am not in the mood for this. And I show it. I don’t mean to, but as I stuff my purse with my paper I roll my eyes and say “Oh my god” under my breath. “I’ve been really busy” he says. That’s nothing new. I want to leave, but I’m so…upset. I tell him I want to talk to him about last week, but we both have to get to class. We walk together and he agrees to meet me outside the elevators after class.

When I’m done with class, I come down the stairs and am so happy to see he is waiting for me. As we walk home and talk, it doesn’t seem like he gets a word I’m saying.He asks me what I expected…

“I just thought…maybe we could forget everything that happened last week and we can do that night over again?”I say

“Well that’s not gonna happen. Why would you think that?” he says laughing :0 What? I didn’t find that funny 😦

“How’s ‘Heart’?” he asks when I don’t say anything. “Fine” I say biting my tongue.

“You guys together?” he asks. “No” I say.

“Any chance you guys will be?” I sigh, “No” I say again.

And again, he hurts my feelings telling me I need to love myself and something else. I can’t do this. I turn and walk away. For once, he calls me back. I come back and face him. He tells me to be honest with him and tell him what I want, even if it will make his upset.

“I know we can’t be together. But I thought we could continue being together/hanging out until it’s time for us to leave” I say.

He says no. Or something about how we can’t at the moment because he’s tired and wants to sleep. I’m done. So I Oh-ok-nevermind-i-understand-bye-saying-quotesswallow the gulp in my throat, put on my best smile, hug him, and tell him “Okay, some other time then.”

He’s telling me how great it was that I was honest with him, but by then- I’m already on the next sidewalk wiping my eyes. It was going to be a long walk home. Now I know how boys feel when they leave my place.

Once I get home, I want to sleep too. But I can’t. I have to go fend for my club and get funding! I put on a better dress and get on my way.

“You ready?” Mr. Photography dude asks when I walk in.

I look at him with tears in my eyes.

“Oh no….” he says.

But there’s no time to explain, it’s my turn to present.

(Continued in The Long Walk Home (continued))

Something Bigger Than Me

“We got denied funding” Mr. Photography dude says on the phone.

“Believe me I know” I say shaking my head. As I cram for my Microbio exam and end my terrible weekend with cramps, I am also handling all the politics going on :0 As if things couldn’t get worse on Thursday, I found out my club was denied funding for our main event this quarter! I did remind myself that  I need to rest up this weekend and allocated this issue to Harris and our other board members. But of course, they still need me.

Z and Gabby stopped by earlier today to check up on me.

“Did Player come see you?” Z asks. Oh. About that. I remember asking him to if we could talk this weekend and he had agreed. But no…he never did. I shake my head.

They both look at each other. “Are you okay?” Z asks.

I nod.

001bb06591389dc9ddaa4e2a3f3683feThey both look at me. “What? It’s okay. I’m okay! He probably doesn’t want to talk about it. And if he doesn’t, neither do I. I am an emotional person that loves too much and that is something I’m not going to apologize for!” I say.

“Damn, you should have your period everyday. You sound a lot smarter” Gabby says.

We all laugh. My hormones really stirred up my thoughts about things this weekend. I found myself thinking things like…

“Heart” can have Manhattan… and so can “Prince Player”- There’s a popular song by Sara Bareilles, it goes “you can have Manhattan, cause I can’t have you”. “Heart” was in Manhattan this weekend for a business trip. I am so proud of him. Younger than me and already a traveling businessman like the men in my family. I thought about him so much during this… period (no puns intended I swear).

I thought about how I got intense cramps during my internship over the Summer and he asked me what was wrong. When I told him, he said “It’s okay…it will only be a few more days”. It was sweet. It reminded me of how he would always come check up on me when I was…hormonal and took away every ounce of pain I was feeling.

But, he wasn’t here this time. Of no surprise, neither was player. And I was just fine. They aren’t obligated to be there for me when I’m sick.

“I’m having a contraction!”- Holy, moly. On Thursday, after I texted player and made all my calls canceling weekend plans, I had class. It was my only class and I was okay at the time so I thought I would go. But the second my Health professor started talking about pregnancy, I had the worst cramping that made me feel like I was going to give birth to “Prince Player’s” child. Z is in my class and I whispered to her. She grabbed my hand and laughed, “Why player’s child? Give birth to “Heart’s child!” I squeezed her hand and laughed (but laughing only made it worse). After a minute, it was gone. Sadly, it kept coming and going but I just squeezed Z’s hand and kept telling myself I have a three day weekend ahead. Note to self: Do not attend Health related classes when you’re on your period!!!

I have turned on the AC, then the heater, and then I turned them both off– I am hot and then cold and then hot and then cold. I’m okay right? 😉

Tips-for-Moms-Enjoying-the-Small-ThingsThe “Prince Player” and “Heart” situations are small to them, but big to me- I didn’t say this in my previous posts because I was too hurt. During our fiasco, “Prince Player” had also said “this is so small, compared to bigger things”. It is. I know. My cramps that caused me to lay in bed all weekend gave me time to read all kinds of news happening around the world. My heart pooh-quotebroke as I read about the problems people are facing. And yes, compared to that- he is small. And so is “Heart”. But not compared to that, and in my world of optimism where I live enjoying the small things, they hold big places in my heart! And so does everybody else.

Sometimes, it hurts that I need to care about something….something bigger than them….something bigger than me.

xoxo. S.

Stress vs. Hormones (guess who won)

“I’m late.”

“Your…late? What are you talking about? We said 10:00 and you’re here.” Gabby says. I look at Z and she shakes her head. “She means her period, Gabby.”

Yesterday, after 5 hours of Microbio- I went to volunteer and then I had an event for my club. By the time all of this was over at 9:00, I had to see my friends. And preferably girls. I text Gabby and Z and we agree to meet at the bar we usually go to.

Gabby’s eyes widen. “YOU DIDN’T.”

“I swear. I didn’t!” I say.

Gabby and Z exchange a look.

“Are you sure? Wait, who was it? Heart or Player?” Gabby grills me.

“Neither! I didn’t do anything, I’m sure!” I say.

Gabby starts laughing, “Okay then you’re fine. You do know how a baby is created right? You’re the Public Health major in our group?”

We all start laughing.

“YESSSS. But why am I so late? It’s been two weeks!” I say not drinking at all.

Gabby and Z stop drinking their drinks.

“Has it really been that long?” Z asks.

I nod.

Gabby shakes her head. “I’m sure there’s gotta be a reason why it’s so late. It could be stress! But what is so stressful to you that it is sooo late?”

“Gabby….” Z starts.

“No I understand. She has a new class to teach. She’s taking 4 classes with a Microbio lab which makes it 5 classes. Her family just moved to a new state. Because of their new mortgage, she had to pay her own tuition and rent this quarter. She has to run a club. She has to take the GRE. She has to apply for Grad school. On top of that, there’s the recent Prince Player dilemma. And then “Heart”. She has-

Gabby pauses. We stare at her.

“Oh shit.” She grabs my arm. “Ask for help sweetie! You don’t have to deal with all of this yourself!”

“It’s nothing new. I’ve been doing this for three years!” I say.

“Yea, but it has never affected your hormones like this! Like holy crap, your stress beat Mother Nature this time!” she says.

“I think it’s the Prince Player situation that stressed her a bit more this time” Z says.

Gabby looks at her. “Hun, I’m sure Shahz knows better than to stress over that.” She looks at me, “You do know that right?”

I stay silent.

“Oh hell. Shahz. You can’t be serious” she says.

I sigh. “I do know. But when it combined with everything that’s going on right now- I guess my body couldn’t handle it”.

“Maybe you should text him” she says.

I look at the floor. “And say what? I can’t. Anything I say about my feelings can ruin our friendship.”

Gabby rolls her eyes. “I saw ‘Heart’ today. I wanted to break his face. And then his balls. But I will let you do that part sweetie.”

Z and I burst out laughing. “But if I do that. I can’t have his child! Could you imagine? A cute little baby with his hazel eyes and my nose?” I say.

“Awwwww. And then it would also have your big eyes” Z says to me.

Gabby rolls her eyes, “You both are wackos. None of us have time for a baby right now! Especially you Shahz!”

Z nods at me. And we walk back home. Early morning today, I wake up with my whole body aching. And of course, it’s exactly what I’ve been waiting for.

I call Z and Gabby in the afternoon, “You guys won’t believe this.”

I tell them and they let me know they are around if I need anything. And then I tell player, he tells me I must have been so stressed. I tell him he has no idea and that I would like to see him as my cramps get worse when I think of our situation. He says okay.

anigif_optimized-2482-1427215342-4I make a few more calls and cancel my weekend plans that I have with any friends, my club, my students, or really anyone. Unless they want to come to my place. Because I need to rest this weekend. For myself, and my body.

xoxo. S.

Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View (And An Answer To His Questions)

Every night, I sleep with my windows open. This is what I think to myself as I count the cars going by and all the buildings that make up the skyline.

I really shouldn’t walk alone at night, when I ask people like “Prince Player” to walk me home, I’m not trying to seduce them. Today, another guy randomly said “Damn. Beautiful lady!” eyeing me up and down as I walked by :0

I miss player. It’s been one week since our…fiasco. And I have an answer to his questions.

“What do you want?” I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine until I left for grad school (if I even get in). I wanted him until it was time for me to go.

“Why do you always cry after I leave?” I don’t always cry after he leaves…but in all honesty, I cry about everything. This past week, a girl I mentored at the YMCA for three years moved to North Carolina- I cried. Tonight, I watched the Good Wife episode where Will gets shot- I cried. Every day, I read stories about homeless dogs/puppies getting a home and family- I cry. Today, I was telling my mom about how I can’t believe where I’m standing today- I cried. I CRY ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

“Why am I always in your thoughts?” I have ADHD, OCD, and anxiety. I have lived in 3 countries, 4 states, and countless cities. What I take with me in my mind despite all these hardships is people. Every since I was a child EVERYONE has been ALWAYS been in my thoughts. It isn’t just him. It’s “Heart”, it’s my mom and dad, it’s my family overseas, it’s my dog, it’s my students, it’s my friends that I left behind in all these places, it’s my readers, it’s really- everyone. Everyone is always in my thoughts.

B-J_9rJCMAAr8uL.jpg large“You need to start loving yourself” I already love myself enough and I don’t need anyone’s reminder. I learned to do that when “Heart” came into my life. You don’t need to love yourself before someone loves you, that is a myth. Myth. Myth. Myth. But true, I could love myself more. It’s unfortunate I have a big heart apparently….

I miss player. I wish this fight never happened. I wish he had seen me today and not last Monday because I’m more rested and finished all my assignments for tomorrow. Besides night class:0

Fights like this make me miss “Heart” I think I would like him as 299681e87e98e25d909bf7bc78996235much as “player” if he hung out with me more. He wants to enjoy any chance we have together. But he has no time to spend with me. And that is why I spend it with other people…who don’t like me back. He is in my thoughts all the time too, but the more he ignores me, the more I want nothing to do with him.

I need to take the GRE I’m scared of taking it because I have a learning disability and I’m scared that I will do poorly. There are accommodations for students with an LD, but I have to fill out a lot of paperwork if I want it :0 Regardless, it is time to move on from this town. If I get my Master’s from where I already go to school (I got admitted directly without having to take the GRE)- I’m going to deal with the same boys, same professors, same people, same city, same everything. I LOVE this place, but I have to take the GRE and get out of here! There are many beautiful places in the world (I would know, I have already lived in so many!)

I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl Everywhere I go, someone always knows me. “Hey, you’re my instructor! Hey, you’re the Vice President of that club! Hey, you’re the dancer from last year’s ball! Hey, you were the speaker at that conference!” People ask me why I care about what others think. And I never did, until now. These interactions remind me that I am an educator, leader, activist, and role model to many people. I must behave that way.

I would like to have some wine, but it’s only Monday.

xoxo. S.

Just, Release (My Third Week of Senior Year)

I see his face, he looks at me. I run and I run and I run after him. But he’s gone….

My alarm for brunch with friends go off. Crap, it was only a dream.

This has been a mad week. And it had nothing to do with player. After he left Monday night, I finished my paper and brushed up my lesson plan for the next day. On Tuesday, I was exhausted from the night before. But again I stayed up to do homework and study for my Microbio quiz. On Wednesday I had classes all day and went to volunteer. Finally, I got a chance to sleep fully on Wednesday night since I only have one class on Thursday and it doesn’t start until late afternoon.

I wake up on Thursday feeling good. It felt good to be well rested for once. I even debate texting player. I hold my phone and start typing, but I stop. Player crossed a line that night. He made me feel small. Just for saying that I like him. Which I slowly realized, I don’t- I like being with him. Or something. No way was I going to apologize for being a loving woman. So instead, I start typing up emails and sending Facebook reminders for my club’s Night Out event that was yesterday.

In the middle of writing a reminder email to Harris, (my President, betrayer, and Heart’s best friend), I see a big text pop up on my phone. My heart stops. It’s player!!! Christ, can he read my mind from a distance or something :0

He apologizes, and explains that he just knew I liked him and was tired of me hiding my feelings and making him look like the bad guy.

Oy ve, player. There were so many things wrong with his sentence. 1) What part of me saying “I like you” was hiding my feelings? 2.) When did I make him look like the bad guy? Only freshman year. Not recently. I am grown now and know that me making him look like the bad guy only makes me look worse.

There’s a hundred things I want to tell him, but I just keep quite because I don’t want to start another fiasco between us. I apologize back and say I didn’t mean anything I said that night. I don’t apologize because I have feelings for him, I apologize becuase I said I had feelings for him because that’s what started this. He says he didn’t mean anything either (although his words still hurts and for some reason I think he did mean it) and that he just knows nothing will ever end well between us and he just needs to release himself

Just. Just. Just. I am a writer, and sometimes, when a word is constantly repeated, it feels like someone is pricking me with a needle for heaven’s sake.

He stops responding and I get ready for class. Yesterday was the day of my event. After I made a few confirmation calls, I put on my best little black dress and went to get some coffee. Who do I see in the student center, “Heart” and his flirty treasurer. Ugh. What are they doing here? I walk the other way. I can play dirty politics, but now- is not the time.

Later when I go meet my club at the train station, everyone is hugging me and kissing my cheeks. “You look good” Harris tells me for the first time as he hugs me. I give him a smirk. He looks great as usual, but after what “Heart” told me, I can’t trust him. Harris and I talk a lot as the event goes on. When we are on our way to the Hookah Lounge, he even says “Hey guys! Shahz and I are going to the strip club and we will meet you guys at the hookah place!” My jaw drops and everyone laughs.

“I’m not that kind of girl” I tell him batting my eyelashes.

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts” he says flirtatiously.

****”WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH THE ENEMY?” Mr. Photography dude asks me at brunch this morning.

Oh no. Hell no. No way will I go after Harris…

Harris and I talk throughout the night. We dance, we sing, he smokes (I watch). He’s hilarious, he’s protective,he’s-

Wait what. He almost took “Heart” away from me. What am I doing mingling with him??? I confront him about it, but he swears he would never hurt me. I keep my distance from him, hours later when he sees me leaving, he hugs me goodbye. “Be good” I whisper to him. He smiles at me.

At brunch, I tell Mr. Photography dude about my dream when the others talk amongst themselves.

“First, I had a dream he was in the hospital and that I found out through Snapchat! So when I woke up, I looked at my snapchat and didn’t have any from so you know I figured that was just a dream. Then, I went back to sleep and I had a dream that I saw him on the street. And I just kept running and running and running after him! And then he disappeared-”

“Wow, the hookah must have really gotten to your head” he says laughing.

I shake my head and glare at him, “I didn’t smoke any….”

“Yea but you must have had second-hand exposure if you were sitting so close to Harris….” he says.

Oh good heavens.

We look up what the dream about player means. The second dream. “To dream that you are running towards someone refers to your willingness to confront the situation with that person head on.”

He smiles.

bridget jonesI was really stupid Monday night. I don’t like him. I mean I do, but not in the way I said it… Anyways, I had dreams about “Heart” and Harris too.

Why are these three always in my dreams. Someone is lying to me and hiding things from me. It is “Heart”. It is “Harris”. It is even “Prince Player”.

When will I be strong enough…to just, release?

xoxo. S.

Something Better Than This

I’m done. Why do you always cry after I leave? Why am I always in your thoughts? You need to start loving yourself. What the f—?

The words “Prince Player” said last night keep replaying in my mind.

“Hey Shahz. Shahz? Hello? You’re okay with this yes?”

“Huh? What. Oh yea sure” I say. I’m at a meeting with Mr. Photography dude and a few executive board members planning for my club’s next major event (the one I met “Heart” at two years ago).

“So you’re okay with us using your belly dancing photos from last year’s ball as promotional material?” he asks. All eyes are on me.

“What the f—? You know I don’t like that shit.” I whisper to him.

“Okay that’s what we’ve been asking you for the past 5 minutes but you have been in your own world” he whispers back.

I sigh and pinch myself under the coffee table. “I’m sorry. I had a long night.”

He shakes his head. “Well get it together Vice President. We need you.”

I nod and take a deep breath. Senior year really isn’t starting the way I wanted it to. On Mondays I have a three hour night class, on Tuesday early mornings I TA a four hour class, and on Wednesday early morning I have a three hours Microbio class. This is on top of my other classes, volunteering, and running a club. I barely get rest these days. I don’t even have time to study for the GRE or apply to grad schools which sucks because….I need to leave this town and find where I belong in the next few months.

And last night, things got a little worse. Mondays already suck because, well, night class. I don’t like 3 hour classes at night- it sucks for someone with ADHD. All I think about in that class is eating, sleeping, and the men in my life. To make matters worse, as soon as I get home, I can’t sleep. I need to prep my lesson plan for the class I will be TAin the next morning. But last night, I had another task. I had a paper to write. I didn’t mean to save this paper until last minute, but I have been so occupied by my new students, 4 all science classes, and political role that I just…procrastinated.

As I was wondering when the heck I will be released from class, I feel my phone vibrate several times. I slowly pull it out of my pocket when the professor is not looking- it’s my mom and “Prince Player”. Why do they always text me at the same time :0 “Prince Player’s” text cheers me up and as class is ending, I message him and we talk. He asks if I’m free then or tonight. Well shit. My busiest nights. Monday nights= lesson prep night (plus this particular Monday I had to work on a paper) and Tuesday nights= study for Microbio quiz night (I always have a quiz on Wednesday mornings). I quickly decided that Microbiology is my most important class and I can’t risk not studying for that tonight. And then I shrugged and thought I could probably do my paper quickly after he leaves.

qitem.phpBut most importantly, did we not just see each other four days ago? I wonder why he wants to see me again so quickly. It’s unlike him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him since he left, so I say okay and he stops by after I get back from class.

“Is this gonna become a thing? I saw you twice in the past few days!” I say as soon as I see him.

“If you want it to…” he says smiling.

Holy crap. Do I want it to?

I shake it off. Right now, player is here to see me. And I must make things right before this year ends and we never see each other again.

When we’re in my apartment, things are going well. But then- something doesn’t feel right. He asks me what’s wrong. I say nothing. He asks me again.

“I like you” I say.

****”You did not. Why would you do something like that?” Mr. Photography dude asks later

*****”Better now than later when he hooks up with someone else and I get sad” I say.

Mr. Photography dude sighs and shakes his head.

Back to player. “You…. like me….?” he asks slowly.

I sigh. “I think I like you.”

“Well, you know where I stand on all of this” he says.

Uh huh. Yes. He stated it ever so clearly in Everything Has Changed Part 2.

But, bullshit. How could he not have a single feeling towards me after everything that’s happened these few months….

“Is it…that you don’t like me…or can’t like me?” I ask.

“I can’t like you” he says.

I nod. I knew it. We talk and he says that everything between me and him is just fun. And that he came to see me because he missed me. He says we should stop this. I tell him this has happened between us before several times. And so he says, “maybe it shouldn’t happen again then”.


xoxo. S.