Another Acceptance (All is up in the air- in love, school, and politics)

On Tuesday night, I had yet another anxiety attack. It was when I was going to sleep, all these thoughts rushed over me, and I just couldn’t breathe. It was 4 am.

This happens once a week as I try to fall asleep. I think about my past, my future, and the My-biggest-fear-is-that-eventually-you-will-see-me-the-way-I-see-myself..jpgnow. I grieve on the past and get scared of the future. It is a really annoying 30 minutes. I wait for it to pass, and when it finally does, I am asleep.

So Wednesday morning I was expecting nothing but to carry on with another day. But when I woke up, I was in for a real surprise. I open up my email as I do every morning, and I see  a huge WELCOME! email.

I click on it and my jaw drops. Texas A and M University, has accepted me.Why the heck was I having an anxiety attack the night before??? The 25th best Public Health school in the country has accepted me.

After the initial shock and excitement, I remember why. I applied for my parents. Colorado was my dream school, but because A and M is better (and closer) my parents had me apply there. I had no clue I would get in…

So. It was time to call my family. They don’t pick up at first, my mom texts saying that my dad is in a call. I obviously want to tell them together so I wait and text my dad saying I have big news to tell him and he needs to put a rush on his call (even if it’s work) because this news is very big news.

A few minutes later, they call back.

“Soooo….Congratulations?” my dad says as soon as I pick up the phone.

I laugh. “How did you know??” I ask.

“Please. My daughter will not call me at 9 in the morning telling me to hang up my conference call for no valid reason” he says laughing. “So tell us. What school?”

I smile and take a deep breath. “Texas A and M”.

I almost have to mute the phone. My dad starts hollering and my mom starts screaming.

“Mabrook (Congratulations) baby. We knew you could do it” my mom says.

“Way to go Shaz. See now you can move up to Texas and be close to us” my dad says once he has processed the news.

Oh boy. My eyes sting. I never expected to get in…I feel like Texas A and M might be too overwhelming for me. It is a new place, new city, 50,000 people- I just don’t know.

“So why are you so quiet Shaz are you not happy?” my dad asks.

“I am…it’s just…now I have to go there don’t I” I ask.

“What do you mean?” my dad asks.

“I had my heart set on Colorado” I say crying.

I could hear both of them sighing in the background. “Look. No you obviously don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. But seeing Texas A and M has a better program and also one of the best schools in the country overall, I just think it is more logical” my dad says.

I stay silent. “Am I right or am I wrong Shaz?” my dad asks.

“Yes….” I lie.

“Look it’s up to you. We won’t pressure you. You’re an adult” my dad says. “And you still have more schools to hear back from!”

Oh that’s right. He is absolutely right. So we discuss next steps and before they hang up, my dad says, “Keep up the good work”.

Holy. Shit. My dad never says that. And he never said it to me, that’s for sure.

I update my Snapchat followers on the news, sad that I won’t have “Prince Player” congratulating me this time. Not that it matters. I ask Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick if they are free, and when they say they are, I tell them to meet me at the bakery 🙂

Mr. Photography dude kisses me on both cheeks “Alf mabrook!” (1,000 congrats) “Why are you so humble when it comes to your intelligence? You act like you don’t know much but here you are, holding acceptances to the best schools in the country!”

I laugh. Sidekick hugs me, “Congrats”. Each of us get a frosted cookie and sit down. We joke about the fact that I’m going to gain a few pounds before graduation if I get more acceptances.

“So you really are leaving huh?” Sidekick asks.

I nod. “Yea…guess so”.

We stay silent.

This is sad. But, exciting at the same time.

It’s sad because I imagined my last quarter to be as exciting as I can make it. I wanted 12144665_779553258847179_2251013384211725091_nto see my friends as much as possible and smile every chance I get. But it’s hard seeing all my friends because a) “Prince Player”, “Heart”, and I all fell apart b) and then my non-romantic friends are busy with their new jobs/planning their own future. 

And in the midst of all this, it’s exciting because I can get away from the place that gave me a lot of heartache. I know I wrote all about the lovely memories I had here, but sometimes, these anxiety attacks remind me that life wasn’t so happy here.

“Have you talked to player” Mr. Photography dude asks reading my mind.

“Nope. Not since the day he walked out” I say.

“How about Harris?” he asks.

I think to myself. “Oh shit… I haven’t really spoken to him either” I say.

“Was the last time you spoke to him that day we went dress shopping?” Sidekick asks.

“The day after player and I had our mishap? Oh yea. What the fuck. Something must be bothering these Scorpios!” I say.

They laugh. “I’m serious guys. I get why player is ignoring me. He hates me. And that is fine. But Harris? What is wrong with him?? I message him everyday!” I say.

Mr. Photography dude puts his cookie down, “Um. Why are you messaging him everyday?”

I suck in my cheeks. “I’m…curious…”

“About what…” Mr. Photography dude asks.

“I need to know why he resigned” I say.

“Uh huh. Are you sure you’re not curious about how much he loves you” Mr. Photography dude asks.

My jaw drops. “Shut up. He’s 10 times better than me and he knows it” I say.

“That’s a lie” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Have you heard his voice? He is like the best Arabic singer around! He performs every weekend…” I say.

“And you? Have you seen the way you move? You are a skilled dancer. That’s why you guys go perfectly go together!” he responds.

I sigh. “It’s not about that. He’s just smart. Strong. Loyal. Quiet- keeps things to himself. Just better than me overall” I say.

Both of their jaws drop. “It’s almost like you were talking about yourself… You guys are like identical. That’s why he gets you!” Sidekick says.

I think to myself. The day before our last big event (before Harris resigned) I had a lot of work to get done in preparation for the day. During our prep meeting- our board wanted to go to an event, but I didn’t. I wanted to finish up our stuff. The only person that got through to me was Harris, who closed my laptop and said, “Yallah. Let’s have fun. I’ll help you finish this later”.

Harris always had my back. Always jumped to my defense. Always made sure of my e585921269f082ab0ed35be98734e8d2schedule before planning dates. Brought out the real me (which isn’t easy to do).

Damn I miss my VP. I need to get that Harris back!! I didn’t mean to take his position :0

Later that night, my mom told me how my dad was grinning ear to ear at work all day. I smile to myself. My dad has never been this proud of me. But, if I choose the grad school he wants me to go to, will I regret it? After thinking for a bit, I decide I want to fly to both schools one weekend and take a look. And I’ll be damned, much to my mom’s diasaprooval of me walking around by myself, my dad agreed!

In the midst of the celebration, my crying the night before caught up to me. I got a terrible cold and am currently sick 😦 I truly believe that when you are under a lot of pressure- you can get sick. Thankfully, after drinking lots of grape juice and soup- I’m slowly getting better 🙂

I just wish that everything that’s up in the air would come down already so I can graduate in peace.

Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View (And An Answer To His Questions)

Every night, I sleep with my windows open. This is what I think to myself as I count the cars going by and all the buildings that make up the skyline.

I really shouldn’t walk alone at night, when I ask people like “Prince Player” to walk me home, I’m not trying to seduce them. Today, another guy randomly said “Damn. Beautiful lady!” eyeing me up and down as I walked by :0

I miss player. It’s been one week since our…fiasco. And I have an answer to his questions.

“What do you want?” I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine until I left for grad school (if I even get in). I wanted him until it was time for me to go.

“Why do you always cry after I leave?” I don’t always cry after he leaves…but in all honesty, I cry about everything. This past week, a girl I mentored at the YMCA for three years moved to North Carolina- I cried. Tonight, I watched the Good Wife episode where Will gets shot- I cried. Every day, I read stories about homeless dogs/puppies getting a home and family- I cry. Today, I was telling my mom about how I can’t believe where I’m standing today- I cried. I CRY ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

“Why am I always in your thoughts?” I have ADHD, OCD, and anxiety. I have lived in 3 countries, 4 states, and countless cities. What I take with me in my mind despite all these hardships is people. Every since I was a child EVERYONE has been ALWAYS been in my thoughts. It isn’t just him. It’s “Heart”, it’s my mom and dad, it’s my family overseas, it’s my dog, it’s my students, it’s my friends that I left behind in all these places, it’s my readers, it’s really- everyone. Everyone is always in my thoughts.

B-J_9rJCMAAr8uL.jpg large“You need to start loving yourself” I already love myself enough and I don’t need anyone’s reminder. I learned to do that when “Heart” came into my life. You don’t need to love yourself before someone loves you, that is a myth. Myth. Myth. Myth. But true, I could love myself more. It’s unfortunate I have a big heart apparently….

I miss player. I wish this fight never happened. I wish he had seen me today and not last Monday because I’m more rested and finished all my assignments for tomorrow. Besides night class:0

Fights like this make me miss “Heart” I think I would like him as 299681e87e98e25d909bf7bc78996235much as “player” if he hung out with me more. He wants to enjoy any chance we have together. But he has no time to spend with me. And that is why I spend it with other people…who don’t like me back. He is in my thoughts all the time too, but the more he ignores me, the more I want nothing to do with him.

I need to take the GRE I’m scared of taking it because I have a learning disability and I’m scared that I will do poorly. There are accommodations for students with an LD, but I have to fill out a lot of paperwork if I want it :0 Regardless, it is time to move on from this town. If I get my Master’s from where I already go to school (I got admitted directly without having to take the GRE)- I’m going to deal with the same boys, same professors, same people, same city, same everything. I LOVE this place, but I have to take the GRE and get out of here! There are many beautiful places in the world (I would know, I have already lived in so many!)

I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl Everywhere I go, someone always knows me. “Hey, you’re my instructor! Hey, you’re the Vice President of that club! Hey, you’re the dancer from last year’s ball! Hey, you were the speaker at that conference!” People ask me why I care about what others think. And I never did, until now. These interactions remind me that I am an educator, leader, activist, and role model to many people. I must behave that way.

I would like to have some wine, but it’s only Monday.

xoxo. S.

Something Better Than This

I’m done. Why do you always cry after I leave? Why am I always in your thoughts? You need to start loving yourself. What the f—?

The words “Prince Player” said last night keep replaying in my mind.

“Hey Shahz. Shahz? Hello? You’re okay with this yes?”

“Huh? What. Oh yea sure” I say. I’m at a meeting with Mr. Photography dude and a few executive board members planning for my club’s next major event (the one I met “Heart” at two years ago).

“So you’re okay with us using your belly dancing photos from last year’s ball as promotional material?” he asks. All eyes are on me.

“What the f—? You know I don’t like that shit.” I whisper to him.

“Okay that’s what we’ve been asking you for the past 5 minutes but you have been in your own world” he whispers back.

I sigh and pinch myself under the coffee table. “I’m sorry. I had a long night.”

He shakes his head. “Well get it together Vice President. We need you.”

I nod and take a deep breath. Senior year really isn’t starting the way I wanted it to. On Mondays I have a three hour night class, on Tuesday early mornings I TA a four hour class, and on Wednesday early morning I have a three hours Microbio class. This is on top of my other classes, volunteering, and running a club. I barely get rest these days. I don’t even have time to study for the GRE or apply to grad schools which sucks because….I need to leave this town and find where I belong in the next few months.

And last night, things got a little worse. Mondays already suck because, well, night class. I don’t like 3 hour classes at night- it sucks for someone with ADHD. All I think about in that class is eating, sleeping, and the men in my life. To make matters worse, as soon as I get home, I can’t sleep. I need to prep my lesson plan for the class I will be TAin the next morning. But last night, I had another task. I had a paper to write. I didn’t mean to save this paper until last minute, but I have been so occupied by my new students, 4 all science classes, and political role that I just…procrastinated.

As I was wondering when the heck I will be released from class, I feel my phone vibrate several times. I slowly pull it out of my pocket when the professor is not looking- it’s my mom and “Prince Player”. Why do they always text me at the same time :0 “Prince Player’s” text cheers me up and as class is ending, I message him and we talk. He asks if I’m free then or tonight. Well shit. My busiest nights. Monday nights= lesson prep night (plus this particular Monday I had to work on a paper) and Tuesday nights= study for Microbio quiz night (I always have a quiz on Wednesday mornings). I quickly decided that Microbiology is my most important class and I can’t risk not studying for that tonight. And then I shrugged and thought I could probably do my paper quickly after he leaves.

qitem.phpBut most importantly, did we not just see each other four days ago? I wonder why he wants to see me again so quickly. It’s unlike him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him since he left, so I say okay and he stops by after I get back from class.

“Is this gonna become a thing? I saw you twice in the past few days!” I say as soon as I see him.

“If you want it to…” he says smiling.

Holy crap. Do I want it to?

I shake it off. Right now, player is here to see me. And I must make things right before this year ends and we never see each other again.

When we’re in my apartment, things are going well. But then- something doesn’t feel right. He asks me what’s wrong. I say nothing. He asks me again.

“I like you” I say.

****”You did not. Why would you do something like that?” Mr. Photography dude asks later

*****”Better now than later when he hooks up with someone else and I get sad” I say.

Mr. Photography dude sighs and shakes his head.

Back to player. “You…. like me….?” he asks slowly.

I sigh. “I think I like you.”

“Well, you know where I stand on all of this” he says.

Uh huh. Yes. He stated it ever so clearly in Everything Has Changed Part 2.

But, bullshit. How could he not have a single feeling towards me after everything that’s happened these few months….

“Is it…that you don’t like me…or can’t like me?” I ask.

“I can’t like you” he says.

I nod. I knew it. We talk and he says that everything between me and him is just fun. And that he came to see me because he missed me. He says we should stop this. I tell him this has happened between us before several times. And so he says, “maybe it shouldn’t happen again then”.


xoxo. S.

I’m not really ready for Senior Year….

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning over here in Texas. I can’t stop tossing and turning. Seeing that it is now Saturday, I can’t stop thinking about how I’m flying back to school a week from now. And I have nothing figured it out :0

I have no clue who my roommates are- This is a problem because you know, I need time to stalk them and make sure they aren’t terrible like a few of my past roommates :0

I haven’t figured my class schedule out- I mean I have signed up for all my classes, but all of them are SCIENCE. And my learning disability therapist has told me I should always take one class that isn’t science…but I just can’t seem to make it work this quarter :0

My syllabus for the class I’m TAing for is not ready- Enough said.

Love- Well…you know the dilemma 💔

Some-Nights-I-Wish-I-Could-Go-BackI first met “Heart” two years ago, at the club I am now the Vice President of. And he is now the President of the club that is a big partner of my club. Which means, we will be working together A LOT. And a lot of memories will come back as we host all these events together 😦

I first met “Prince Player” three years ago. And a few weeks ago, he asked if we can hang out the day I get back. That happens to be the day we first hung out three years ago. Fate❤️ But he hasn’t talked to me since he suggested it…and I’m nervous he doesn’t want to anymore.

And I just want, things to be the way they used to be with both of them.

Help me back-to-school Fairy Godmother 😦

xoxo. S.

Big, big, big news… an exciting start to Spring Break

After getting back from my coffee break with Mr. Photography dude, I wiped my eyes some more. Being with “Heart” is so damn difficult and I really feel frustrated with my love/hate relationship with “Prince Player”. Not to mention, that one best friend who bailed on our concert tickets still hasn’t paid me back…Plus, my one friend is forcing me to perform at her club’s annual end of the year event as soon as we get back from break, which of course…”Heart” will be the main photographer at (so I have to do well)! Also, I was really stressed about my final grades.

As I sit around wondering why my prayers keep getting ignored and the pressure keeps piling, I get an e-mail from the Office of Admissions at my school. Remember how I wanted to apply for the combined bachelor’s/master’s degree program at my school and my advisor said it’s too competitive and I’m not “eligible”…? Well, I applied anyway. AND I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!!! Eep! Here I was, getting harassed by people on what I hope to do with my life, shunned for my ADHD…and I rised!! ❤

I closed my laptop and cried. I called my mother first, I knew she would be happy. She almost started crying too. Then, she asked me how in the world we were going to tell my dad. Shit. My dad. Getting a Master’s after graduation was not in the plan we discussed prior to starting college…and in order for me to fund it, I need him. Crap! My mom and I discussed some possible strategies and we planned on what to say to him. I felt good. Although I had some unfinished business with all the stuff going on in Chicago, I suddenly had new business to take care of in Denver.

When I got to the airport, I called one of my good girlfriends, Z. I needed advice on whether or not I should share this on social media. I never post things unless it’s something big (like this) or inspiring (also like this). Z said I definitely should. She was so proud of me. She knows all about my anxiety/ADHD attacks and all the people that tried to discourage me from my dreams.

I asked her if I should post now, or after I tell my dad. And this…is where I realized why she is an amazing friend. “Shahz…I think you should announce it now. If you go home, and your dad says no…you’re gonna cry all night and you will never post it. Then no one will know that this girl that they thought would make it somewhere in life DID! Regardless of what he says, you got accepted and that in itself is a big deal! NOW GO GO GO! ANNOUNCE IT!”

She was right. And so, right before I got on the plane, I posted. Instantly I’m getting “likes”, texts, and several notifications! Thankfully, my flight had wi-fi and I was able to keep up 😉 Among the likes were both the men in my life (thank god, it shows they care about me), my students, my former teachers, and  my friends.

So who didn’t “like” it or offer me their congrats? My brother and my good friend that bailed on our concert plans…Sigh. I knew they wouldn’t. My brother and I still have a ton of sibling rivalry going on, he was the one that my dad wanted to get the Master’s…not me. I wish he was happy for me. And my friend…what is wrong with her? I’m not the one that bailed on her and wasted her money!

As much as I wanted to be upset, I had bigger things to worry about. My heart was pounding when I saw my parents at the airport. When we got inside our car, I told them I had “very exciting news” to tell them. My mom pretended she didn’t know and listened. After I was done, I was shocked by my dad’s reaction. He yelled “CONGRATULATIONS!” and high fived me. Holy moly.

After a while, he revealed his true feelings and said he would like me to look at Ivy League’s if I really want to get a Master’s. And that he expects me to work and find ways to fund it at the same time. Oh brother…

Well. I’ve certainly got lots to think about. But I will worry about it after break 😉

xoxo. S.

Exhausted, and it’s only Monday!

heart“Are you okay?” I am resting my head on the table and having my weekly Starbucks with Mr. Photography dude.

I shake my head. I am totally suffering from “burn out”.

1.) I was thrown into my new job on campus very quickly.

2.) “Heart” hasn’t talked to me in a while.

3.) My new ADHD treatment makes me sleepy.

4.) My friend refuses to pay me back the money she took from me when she bailed on our concert plans.

5.) Play practice is getting more intense. The director told me I could work on a lot of stuff…

6.) My friend wants me to perform at two events next month…do I really look like I have time? Although if I don’t do it, it will make me look bad because she is very close with “Heart” and might tell him things about me.

7.) I fill out internship applications non-stop.

8.) Oh yea, and finals are here.

My eyes start shutting.

“Oh my god. You need sleep!” he says.

So I come home, try to take a nap- but no it doesn’t happen. I forgot ADHD medications keep you awake :/

And so I lie in bed and think about “Heart”. I pray that he comes to visit. Then I think about other people in my life. Then I think about my past. Then I think about everything bothering me. My heart beats faster and faster. And then I can’t sleep.

Yes, you could say, I’m exhausted.

xoxo. S.

It Is Very Cold In Chicago (In Love and the Weather)

textingI don’t like texting. I feel like I am always waiting. I get it, people are busy. That’s why after 5 hours of not recieving a response, I get anxiety. And after a day, I’m checking social media to make sure you’re not dead!

If you are my friend, and you don’t text me back for a few hours, you are busy. A day? That means you hate me 😦

If you are a dude, and you don’t text me back for a few hours….

Well that depends who you are.

If you are “Prince Player”, “Sugar”, or “C”- you guys are being the players you are and aren’t interested in me.

Last week, I saw “Prince Player” at a meeting. In Mr. Photography dude’s words…I was not civil. I wanted to strangle him. He wasn’t acknowledging his lack of presence when I needed him the most!

Anyways, if you are “Heart”, you’re probably just busy and will text me back later<3

Here’s when the anxiety begins. You are “Heart”… and haven’t texted me back in one whole day!!!

This is why I don’t like texting people. Last week, “Heart” said I never text him and I can always talk to him when I feel down. Yesterday, as I was leaving home, I decided to try it out. I sent him a text. After waiting three hours, he responds just as my plane is taking off! So I tell him I will text him after I land. And I did, I waited all night. And all of today. No response.

And…he has not come up on any of my social media in the past 24 hours. Is he okay!?

I repeat- this is why I don’t like texting people.

UPDATE 24 hours after the original post:

He is alive because he posted a video and he was tagged in various things. Oh dear…so he really is ignoring my text.

Today I have class, community service, and a casting call for another fashion show. Busy busy day. I decide to grab some coffee. I order my usual, caramel coffee and strawberry donut. For some reason, I have a feeling either “Prince Player” or “Heart” is behind me. I am 99% sure it is “Prince Player”. I take a peek. Oh. My. God.

run awayHoly shit. Not now. It is less than 10 degrees, my hair is flying everywhere, and I’m sure half of it is stuck to my lip gloss. Well hell, it’s now or never. I toss my hair and go on over to confront him. I’m pretty sure I’m either grabbing him or too close to him. I don’t know if it’s because I was cold or needed him to stay so I can tell him everything I wanted to say.

“The reason why I was sick at the meeting was because I took my meds that day!” Wait what. Why did I blurt that out?

He seemed understanding. He says he didn’t text back because he was “distracted”. Hmmm well there’s something we have in common. I wonder to myself if “Heart” also didn’t text back because he was also “distracted”. I snap back to reality when “Prince Player” makes a comment about the cold weather and grabs my hand.

He compliments me on my mittens with pink bows and says not a lot of people know I’m obsessed with the color pink like he does. I smirk. Literally, about 4 other people complimented me on my pink weather gear today haha. Anyways…

I swallow. “What else do you know about me?”

“I know that you don’t have a boyfriend right now…” he says.

I suck in my cheeks. He does have a point. Kind of. The hickeys I got from “Heart” last week all of a sudden doesn’t mean anything anymore.

I think I got about half of what I needed to say to him when I realized I still hadn’t received my coffee. “Prince Player” orders his coffee and I tell the cashier about my coffee. “Prince Player” gets his coffee before I do. Prick. He quickly says “Bye!” and runs on off. Sudddenly, it is very cold again. My warmth is gone. My eyes widen and I pinch myself. Warmth is not a metaphor for “Prince Player!” Soon, the cashier apologizes and hands me my coffee. He upgraded it to a large since I waited so long. But God knows I don’t need all that caffeine…

Yes, you could say, things are quite cold in Chicago.

xoxo. S.

My Attachment Theory: Airplanes

It’s the post I have been nervous to release but the one my readers have been waiting for. I was reading Saying Goodbye to Freshman Year…Love, Faith, and my Auburn Hair 🙂 from a year and a half ago, and I was impressed with my maturity. It’s funny how things eventually fell into place.

One day a month or so ago, when I was with “Prince Player”, I just stared at him. We both new what was going on. I was in love with someone else, and “Prince Player” didn’t want me as more than a friend. So why did I feel so attached to him? It’s like he read my mind, “I don’t know. For some reason you’re still attached to me” he said. I wanted to explain to him why, but I couldn’t find the words.

For one thing, I’m attached to everyone that has appeared in my life. Be it the cashier at the grocery store, a neighbor, anyone really. But for the most part, he came into my life when everything was…. perfect. When I met him, I was so happy and excited for college. I had freedom. I had a new beginning. My family was happy. I was confident. I was stable.

airplanesWhen he started doing what he is oh so popular for, that’s when my life started to fall apart. My parents wanted a divorce, I was diagnosed with ADHD, I hated myself, I officially became unstable.

So why do I have an attachment towards “Prince Player?” Because every time I look at him, I remember when my life was perfect.

That’s not to say I’m not happy now. Because of my heartbreak over “Prince Player”, I met “Heart”. And “Heart” taught me that it doesn’t have to be perfect. He came into my life when everything was falling apart. But, he was the glue that brought everything together. My parents ended up working everything out and moving to Colorado together, my ADHD is a struggle but he and my family helped me with it, I am confident, “Heart” made me stable again. It’s obvious why I have an attachment towards “Heart”.

But that “Prince Player” one always remained a mystery to me, until now. When I look at him, all I think about is how as B.O.B says “Yeah, I could use a dream or a genie or a wish,to go back to a place much simpler than this.” So… that time when I first met him.

It”s true, life never gets easier. So there’s no reason to go back. But if anyone asks why I’m still attached to him, we know why. It’s the one point in my life where everything was….perfect and I never had to pretend that airplanes were shooting stars so that I could make a wish ❤

xoxo. S.

9th Week Back At School: I’m Okay (In ADHD, Love, and Roommates- A Letter to “Heart”)

I’m okay. Pull my bra straps up. Put my make-up on. Tell myself I’m okay again. That’s the daily routine.

Yesterday was a hard day. I had to laugh and pretend to be happy- but I wasn’t.

It’s been a crazy week preparing for my research exposition and finals.The new treatment has been helping me with my grades, but I’m starting to feel weak. Roommate #1 has a boyfriend now and he is constantly here. And of course, Roommate #2 already has a boyfriend and he is constantly here as well. They wanted me to hang out with them, but I wasn’t interested in being the fifth wheel. Thank goodness I already had plans. I had a feeling you wouldn’t be coming over, so I went out to a Greek restaurant with a few of our friends. I found it interesting how the restaurant played a lot of Arabic songs and had belly dancers. I thought of you the entire time. Ironic that yesterday was the one year of me catching your eye while I was belly dancing at the party. I love going out and having a good time, but I only like to dance for you and you know it! At one point, I had to go to the restroom and take a deep breath- the music and dancing was way to familiar. This isn’t easy, and ADHD makes it way harder.

Then I had to go to a meeting. I saw “Prince Player” and didn’t talk to him. At least I tried not to. My body was getting heated. After what he said in our little snapchat I was pissed. But he said hi, so I said hi back. That was it. Are you happy?

But it isn’t him that makes me feel so pathetic. And it isn’t you. Well it is but not really. IT’S EVERYONE. Because, a few people had the nerve to ask me about us. They informed me that everyone is saying we had a big fight and are over. What nonsense. If only they knew the truth. And then they wanted to know what was really going on- I told them it was none of their freakin’ business. This new treatment is making me insane and I am easily irritated. No one understands how I feel, they hear but they don’t listen. Except you and Sam.

You know Sam. Stop stealing all my best friends! I heard you guys go out once a week. He thinks your cool. I went out with Sam after the meeting. He told me I should forget you, and “find a new fish”. I like how he is a friend to you, but is a friend to me and protects me at the same time. But I can’t forget you. I am a mess. Last year, it was you that came into my life and reminded me of how perfect I am. And remembering how you hate me being sad, I keep telling myself everyday that I am okay. I am. I am. I am. I am.

But… please stay with me, because you’re all I need 😦

xoxo. Unsure if I am still your eyes and soul.