“Do you have a dating life right now?”
This is what “Prince Player” asks me after I tell him The Big Sick reminded me a little of the way he and I was.
I frown. Only “Prince Player” can ask me that question and get away with it.
Hmmmm. Does hanging out with a guy once and never talking to him again count?? No I don’t think it does.
“No lol. Why?” I ask.
“I was just curious lol. I haven’t heard anything about that part of your life for a while” he says.
Ah. Of course. I’m sure my readers thought the same thing.
And here is why. The last guy, “K”, was emotionally abusive. And I didn’t know it. I missed all of the red flags.
Today, I am here to write share some of those red flags. Because I don’t want anyone to stick around for it like I did.
#1: When he found my birth control
K: “Shahz, what are these?”
Me: *grabs them from his hand* “Give me those, those are my birth control pills”
K: “But you told me you don’t have sex!”
Me: “I don’t. Those are to control the cramps and vomiting that happen every month when I get my period”
K: “Yea right you expect me to believe that? I have never heard of that excuse”
Me: *about to cry* “Then you clearly don’t know enough about them”
K: *gets angry* “What was that you just said?”
#2: When he saw my selfies with my best friend Jeanette
K: “Who’s this chick in all your Snapchats?”
Me: “My best friend Jeanette….”
K: “Is she a good girl?”
Me: *confused* “What?”
K: “I want to make sure you are hanging out with good people”
Jeanette is working on her Master’s with me. And works as a pharmacy tech. This guy had nothing near that. Really??
#3: When I hired a person trainer to help me with the weight gain my auto-immune disorder caused me this past year
K: “Seriously? Can’t you just watch Youtube videos instead?”
Me: “Um. I have more serious issues than that.”
K: “How would you feel if I had a personal trainer??”
Me: “I would be happy that you are taking care of your body and proud of the fact that you are working so hard!”
K: *laughs mockingly* “How much do you pay this guy?”
My personal trainer is gay.
#4: When we were cooking dinner and he opened a jar and accidentally got the contents all over my white walls
Me: *terrified that management is going to fine me for this, starts wetting a towel and wiping furiously* “Hey, can you help me with this?”
K: *tries for a second* “Ugh. I never had to clean a thing in my life. Just stop babe. I’ll hire a maid”
I agreed on a count of the mess he made was so bad and it stuck to the walls.
Those stains stayed there for two weeks. No word from him about the “maid” he promised to clean up the mess HE made.
Me (texting): “Hey. Can you please send that maid you said you were getting? Inspections are soon, and I don’t want to get fined”
Him (texting back): “Shahz wtf? Every time we go out, I take you to a nice fancy restaurant. On the rooftop. $100 meals. And you are upset about this??”
Wait what? He did that once. And may I say, people buying you expensive things/taking you nice places after they were mean to you- that’s emotional abuse.
I ended up hiring a maid myself. I saw an ad for one in my building. It was a guy’s cleaning company. I live alone in my apartment and was anxious about having a male stranger in my place, but it was my only choice. He had the most affordable rate.
Thankfully, he was a nice guy. He tried cleaning it and said the stains are so bad it won’t come out, and it will have to be painted.
My jaw dropped. But he offered to paint it for me and he did. $100 out of my savings. Gone.
And that was it. This happened right before Valentine’s day. I told “K” I took care of it and asked him if we will be taking me out for Valentine’s day. He said yes, and never showed up.
That is when I sent this text: “You know what. I can’t do this anymore. I’m loyal, I’m beautiful, and I’m smart. I deserve someone that will cherish that. Not someone that will make me beg and wait for his attention.”
And when he doesn’t respond, because he thinks he has more power than me, I decide I have more power. And I block him. On my phone, Snapchat, Facebook, and WhatsApp.
I haven’t had a “dating life” since.
Sure, I’ve been on several dates since then. But they haven’t lasted more than a week.
Because I am terrified.
After I realized what I had gone through was emotional abuse, I felt stupid.
I am better than this. I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I come from a good family.
This does not happen to girls like me. Girls like me don’t stay in relationships like this.
I should have known.
But I didn’t. I didn’t listen to my mom or brother who were the first people to notice “K’s” strange behavior.
And I feel bad.
I don’t want to declare a “dating life” until I have gone out with someone for more than 6 weeks. That’s my new rule.
I am not sad. I am not hurt. I just want time.
The sad part about all of this is, these were just 4 incidents. There was an incident every time I saw him.
To many of you, I am like a little sister or daughter. The purpose of this post was not to make any of you sad or upset. It is so that you and anyone you love can understand the signs of emotional abuse. Because I missed those signs. And if people talked about it more often, I wouldn’t have.