4 Years of Blogging Bliss

Well if I don’t blog on my blogiversary, that just makes me terrible. So hello reader! I am back (and a little fashionably late) for my own party! Sorry, sorry reader. Paul, you must have eaten all the pizza by now, I don’t blame you. Aaron are you still awake? I see there are still balloons on the floor.

untitledIn all seriousness.

Oh. My. God. Reader. We made it! 4 years of blogging!!!

Do you believe this?

I created this blog in my small town suburban home in Illinois during my Christmas break my freshman year of college. I wrote under the name “SassPrincess”.Raise your hand if you read my stuff back then.

I wrote a post and deleted it. I wrote another post and deleted it. And then finally, when I was back from Christmas break and at school on January 4th, I wrote a post- and kept it.

Fuck it I thought. I’ve been holding in my great writing long enough, and no one was going to stop me.

People tried.

My roommate asked me whether I wrote something like “Getting heartbroken on Valentine’s day”. I did. I most certainly did. And it made me sad.

My best friend asked me why I couldn’t just write a diary. I could have. I really could have. But I was so talented, that I was sad he would even ask that.

A random kid in my dorm said I need to change the layout and “ugly pink” theme of this blog. Took my laptop and did it for me. I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I was sad he would change something that made me so happy to look at.

“Friends” I mentioned this blog to just to get some readers used the information I wrote on here against me. Oy ve. My mistake. Never did that again.

But they all failed.

I didn’t care what my roommate or others said about my posts. Because for each person that made fun of a past, there were at least 10 other people in this world that I knew connected with my post.

I didn’t care that my best friend told me to write a diary. I wrote a diary before. What did it do? Absolutely nothing! But writing this blog? Writing this blog inspired many people, and myself.

I didn’t care the random kid in my dorm changed my “ugly pink” theme. I snatched my laptop right back and changed it to my favorite pink them that still exists today. Many readers know me for this cute theme! And last time I checked, his blog has 400 followers. Mine has, 612. Yea, so take that ya meenie.

I didn’t care that “friends” used my personal stories against me. This is a public blog, and I did try to advertise for it, and those are consequences. Luckily, I have moved to a new city, and started a new life- where no one really knows me, so all is amazing!

Who knew? That 4 years later… I could be where I am right now 🙂

It took one hell of a lot of tenacity, hard-work, and perseverance.

I thought I was busy back then. Eep. Why didn’t someone pinch me back then? Back then I would blog once day. Now, I’m lucky if I can blog once a month!

I’m grateful to have readers that are so understanding, patient,and don’t unfollow me when I can’t write for a while.

In fact, you all love me so much, that my statistics page tells me that *drum roll please* 74,144 views and 47,383 visitors! That means, almost 12,000 of you stopped by each year!! So that means 1,000 of you per month!

Holy moly. That means. I was on stage, on tour, for 3 days a month. And 333 came to each show? Oh my gosh the room must have been so full!

Yes. I love performing at my sold out shows. According to these calculations, I performed, 144 sold out shows!

Wow. All thanks to you reader ❤

I promise to update you on how my first semester of grad school went and my first ever romantic birthday (I know right, Shaz is growing up).

I will also read all of your blogs tonight and send some love because, I love you ❤

xoxo. S.

Grad School is Hard (Getting ready for finals, birthday, and Christmas)

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I decided grad school was the best option for me. I think I was thinking “Hey! I love school! And I want to continue to learn!” What I didn’t think about was how much more work it would require than all my educational experiences.

Last week was hard on account of moving on from “K” (or so I thought). I had been talking to “Prince Player” a lot lately, and because of the break or whatever between me and “K”, I didn’t see a harm in talking with him romantically. We agreed to FaceTime.

So after night class, I got my iPad. I press call and I hear his voice.

“Hello?” I laugh.

I could hear “Prince Player” smiling. “Oh my god hi!!!!” It’s my first time seeing him in months.

We both laugh. We quickly update each other about our lives. I tell him about all my love mishaps in Boston.

I see his face tense.

“Look. You told me that I should see new people in Boston”.

He nods. “I did”.

I shrug. And then he begins telling me about his own love life.

“So you know. I’m about to say something, and it’s not good for you. Since you left, I have changed. I don’t flirt with many girls anymore. And I am interested in this girl…and you know, I would like to be with her. So you and I can’t talk the way we do anymore…”

I feel a gulp in my throat.

I smile. “Oh yea. Of course! That’s great” I choke out.

“What?” he asks picking up to whatever I’m feeling.

“Nothing. Yea it’s cool. I mean. We were meant to have this conversation one day. I met someone, and you did too. It’s cool”.

“Yea…I feel like you’re upset about something though” he says.

I swallow.

“I just thought…that girl…that you decided to be with…would be me. We have so much tumblr_l0int0poda1qzus4no1_500history. And I kept waiting for this day that you changed-” I say sadly.

He nods. “Yea. But you left.”

I smile to myself. Because I know the truth. And it hurts me. “Well the thing is. I know that even if I was there, you still wouldn’t be with me…” I shrug.

img_4450“I won’t deny that” he says.

I smile my fake-smile. It is what it is.

“But hey I’d still like to talk to you about sports and catch up time to time!” he says laughing.

I laugh my biggest fake laugh. “Yea, me too!”

He says he has to go, and I know I do too. We say our goodbyes. I close my iPad.

Oh no. How could I ever think. That. I. Would ever be. His.

My iPad starts ringing. It’s Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick.

“What the fuck! You told us you would call us after your FaceTime date with Prince Player!” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Sorry. That didn’t go the way I expected” I say.

“Did he meet someone?” he asks.

I sigh. “Not necessarily. But. something like that.”

“What the hell were you thinking Shaz? Did you think that hey, you would dump “K” and start talking to “Prince Player” again?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Hm. Did I?

“OKAY NO! NO I DID NOT! And from what I understand. I don’t think “K” thinks we’re over” I say.

“Oh no. Don’t go back to him please” Sidekick says.

“There is no going back. We’re just taking a break” I say.

They roll their eyes. We talk about how school has been going for me, and how work has been going for them.

“Work is hard to. I don’t have time for anything else besides it” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Yea. But you get paid! I lose money!” I say laughing.

They agree.

The next day I go to class and bump into my pediatrician friend, Yazan.

“You need to help me. I have cramps!” I tell him.

“Oh Shaz. Hello to you too. Is it the monthly thing or something else?” he asks looking at patient charts.

“The monthly thing” I whisper.

He laughs. “Get outta here Shaz. I’m a pediatrician. I do not work with that stuff”.

“Actually you do Dr. Yazan. Girls can see their pediatricians until they are 18 and most girls are supposed to get their periods by then. Which means, that yes! You do work with this stuff?”

He rolls his eyes. “Fine. Did you take ibuprofen?”

“Yes. I took 4 in the past 4 hours” I say.

“Okay don’t ever do that again” he says.

“But I have class and so many meetings today! And I’m in pain!” I say.

“Honestly. I think you’re just overwhelmed by the work and your boyfriend. Because if you were that sick, you would have stayed home. Perhaps after you get home from the meetings you’ll be less stressed and you’ll feel better”.

The meetings took all day. But once I got home, my cramps were gone. Holy moly.

“You were right. My cramps are gone!” I text Yazan.

“Thank god. I was worried about you” he says.

“I was just really stressed about the stuff going on. It’s been a long week” I say.

“It’s only Tuesday” he responds.

Yea no kidding.

On Friday, I finally heard back from “K”. It is one hell of an apology text. I sigh. I miss img_4449having someone to talk to.

He takes me to the Cheesecake Factory that night.

“So what’s new?” he asks.

“I hate everyone” I say.

“You’re saying that because you’re on your period” he says laughing.

I rest my head in my hands. “No. Grad school is tough. There’s so much group work, like I even devote my weekends to working on these things and mind you it’s 7 hours in the library on Saturdays AND Sundays. And the weekdays are spent with quizzes, tests, readings, and papers. And more group work. And these groups treat me like I’m incompetent because I’m so young. And like. That’s sad considering I was a pretty big thing in Chicago and now I am a nobody and a small fish in a big pond. Did I mention I never get time to myself?”

“K” comforts me. But even he gets annoyed when I had to work with my group on Saturday all day.

“Are you going to have another group project tomorrow?” he asks.

I sigh. “Yea” I say squeezing his hands.

“I understand. You guys are in grad school” he says.

I smile. At least things are slowly getting better for us.

“I can’t wait to take you out for your birthday next week!” he says.

I laugh. “You can’t. I have a final that day” I say.

That’s another thing. Birthdays become like any other day when you’re an adult.

“Oh yea. Okay then. The next day. Wow that’s like the day before you go back  home. Whatever. We will use that night to celebrate” he says.

Oh how will I ever explain this to my mother.

I guess I have bigger priorities to worry about anyway. Trying to pass all my classes in my first semester of grad school! Reader, if you pray, I ask you to pray for me. It’s really important to me to do well and become the next big public health professional.

If I can’t speak to you before the holidays, I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas ❤

xoxo. Shaz.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

What a long 20 days without blogging.

Yes, reader, I’m alright. I’ve been so busy over the past three weeks with school. No work or extracurricular, just school. I guess grad school does that to you. After the last post, things were going pretty well.

“K” improved his behaviors and took me out regularly. Also called regularly.

And then he started to flake again.

Missed one date. And then the other.

Thanksgiving break gave me a chance to tell my Mom about him. This was also the day I told her about all my past love interests.

Her jaw drops.

“Well. I knew about Prince Player” she says.

I look at her and laugh.

“I don’t like this new guy Shahz. I don’t want you to be with him. You can do better” she says.

This made me sad. Really sad. We debated about it everyday until the day before break ended. On that day, she told me about the relationship between my dad and her.

I was shocked when she told me stories of my dad using the same lines “K” does.

I swallow. “Why didn’t you tell me any of these things before?? Now it’s going to hurt when I break up with him!” I say crying.

“Oh Shahz, come here” my mom finally feels my hurt.14690918_907742199361617_356717797406229488_n

“It will. But. Look at yourself and look at all that you accomplished. Don’t you think you deserve better?”

I nod and sniffle.

I have never broken up with someone before. It was always the other way around.

One of my readers commented a few weeks ago that I sounded “miserable”. And that’s exactly how I felt. And this step is necessary.

When I got back to Boston yesterday, it was exhausting. I had a 7 hour flight and night class. It was a long day.

When I woke up this morning I look at my phone. I am on social media. And what I find, is, something very unacceptable from “K”.

That’s it. I’m done.

I send “K” one hell of a text message. I’m ready to move on.

When he suddenly starts typing a response immediately.

He says there has been a huge misunderstanding and “it’s not what it looks like” and he is “hurt” I would say all the things I did.

Huh. And then he blames me for jumping to conclusions.

I tell him he has given me no reason not to jump to conclusions with the way he has been treating me these past few weeks.

“That’s because these past few weeks have been the most stressful time in my life.”

My jaw drops. Did he not say that last month?

I swallow.

“I was actually going to call you in a few hours and ask if you’re free tonight so I can take you to the Cheesecake Factory”.

I grit my teeth.

What the absolute hell. It’s almost as if he’s bribing me.

I tell him if he really wants to discuss this in person, I am free after class.

But he’s upset.

And never responds.

My mom calls tonight and asks “is there something you want to talk to me about?” when she hears the sadness in my voice.

But I can’t.

I can never. Ever. Let someone. 100% go.

Breaking up is hard to do.

xoxo. S.

The Night That Shook America

As things with my boyfriend and classes started getting stressful again, there was one thing I was looking forward to. The Election! On Tuesday, I woke up bright and early to go vote for the first ever female candidate for President. I smiled all the way throughout my walk to the polling place, excited, imagining telling my grand-children how awesome it was that I was able to watch a woman be elected as President. I snap-chatted #ImWithHer encouraging all my friends to go out and vote. Didn’t matter who. But it was obvious who most were leaning towards.

Voting was really quick. There were no lines at my precinct and I was in and out. As I went to cast my ballot, the election judge was excited saying “You ready for democracy??? You ready for your voice to be heard???” I laughed and said “Yes”.

After I was done I went to class, and no one could focus. The second the clock hit 5:00, I began my commute home. I bought some fries and falafel- it was going to be a long night and I was ready to sit in front of CNN for however long it took.

I sat and things were exciting. The polling results slowly coming in. Things quickly started getting the way I unexpected. A lot of states were red! I worried. But then later, a lot of states became blue. I was relieved. But then, a huge chunk of states became red. And it was about 1:00am here in Boston. And Hillary Clinton’s campaign told their supporters to go home.

I debated if I should go to bed. I had meetings starting early in the morning. But I decided I can stay awake a little longer. Around 2:30, I thought this could take all night (and morning), so maybe I’ll just lay down for a bit and keep the news on.

Okay well. I fell asleep.

Fuck.

When I woke up, I checked my phone. It was 5:30am. And it was raining outside.

I looked at my laptop. The election results stopped playing. I thought my laptop just got confused when there was no movement and stopped playing it.

I quickly scroll down the page.

“Donald Trump Wins Presidency”.

My jaws drop and my eyes widen.

Oh my god.

I read the rest “at 3:30 am Eastern Time…”

Wow. If only I had stayed awake one more hour!

But damn we had bigger issues.

I think I felt my eyes water. I quickly went back to sleep because I knew I had to be up in less that 2 hours and my body would hate me if I didn’t do so.

So that brings us to today:

I woke up. As President Obama said, “No matter what happens, the sun will rise in the morning”. Well that it did. I hear the construction going on as it usually does in the morning. I look outside, buses running, students going to class.

I sigh.

I check my Facebook. Tons of my teacher friends are worried about how the will approach their students that will have questions. One of my friends writes that her mom asked her to take off her hijab before going to work. Other friends are in utter shock.

I check my email next. The Dean of my school has called a school wide meeting, it’s during class. My professor cancels class and tells us she will see us a the meeting.

I call my mother.

“Mom, we’ve got loads of stuff to discuss.”

My mom says everything will be fine and we can move on with our life.

screen-shot-2016-11-09-at-12-27-47-pm-1478712489My jaw drops. “Mom! A man. That speaks poorly to women, was just elected. Someone who plans to repeal the Affordable Care Act, was elected! Someone who doesn’t have the best words about LGBTQ, women, those with disabilities, immigrants, refugees, people of color, and Muslims- was just elected. Do not. You can move on. But as an educator, and public health professional- I cannot. I have a community to help. My work begins now”.

She doesn’t get it. She says Trump will “Make America Great Again”.

What the absolute fuck. Yea fine.

I get on with my commute to school.

Everyone is quiet on the street. No one is talking, no one is honking (rare in a busy city like Boston).

Once I’m at the medical school, I stop by the cafeteria to get some breakfast. I look at the sea of doctors, nurses, and Master’s students. Everyone’s eyes are glued on something.

I look. It is the TV. Hillary Clinton is making her conceding speech.

“To all the women and especially the young women who put their faith in this campaign and in me, I want you to know that nothing has made me prouder than to be your champion. I know we have still not shattered that highest and hardest glass ceiling, but someday someone will, and hopefully sooner than we might think right now.”

I sigh. When she’s finished. Everyone starts speaking again softly. My team arrives to begin our meeting. Everyone is in a horrible mood.

“I don’t wanna go to the meeting. What’s a meeting gonna do? Nothing!” my teammate says.

I make no comment. I disagree completely. The meeting can give those of us who are terrified clarity about what is going to happen, and those of us who are about to be Public Health Professionals about what we need to do.

In the end, she ends up coming with me.

The meeting room is packed.

The Dean walks on stage with a somber expression. He addresses his thoughts and invites students and professors to share theirs. Students talk about fears they have because of their identity and mental trauma this election has cause. As each person shares, people in the room start crying. I see students pass tissues to each other. I have never, witnessed a day like this.

Other professors speak as to what Trump can do and cannot do in terms of healthcare. One professor tells us that abortion rights most likely will not be taken away, and even if so it will be by state, so we need to stop worrying about that. We start laughing.

Other students want to know how the election happened the way it did and the Dean tells us that most people who voted for Hillary Clinton are in our “18-25 age generation” and those that did not and voted for Trump were in the “above 40 years of age generation”.

“Oh no! Not me I didn’t!” one Professor behind me speaks up.

We laugh again.

The Dean concludes by saying us future Public Health professionals are safe at our school, and although there is a great deal of “uncertainty” right now, we will keep moving forward and finding ways to serve our community.

Uncertainty.

I know most of my readers are actually outside the U.S. Do you have thoughts on this? Or if you are in the U.S, what was your day like?

xoxo. S.

Closer

Last week was a rough week. With having a cold and my first ever grad school midterms- my anxiety was high. After midterms ended, I thought it was time to reach out to “K”. I know what everyone told me, but I also know the relationship between me and “K” is getting stronger and there is something there.

Friday:

I tell “K” I understand our last meeting was a little too much. We learned about our differences, but we shouldn’t let it stop us- we should use those differences to empower each other. Also, I understand he is going through a lot, but when we first met he told me he needed someone to fall back on when things get rough. And he is not doing that right now. And he should. And that I know he’s going on his business trip to Cancun so I’ll just leave it at that.

He responds almost immediately.

“I cancelled the Cancun trip Shahz. Things have been too rough”.

Oh.

He says he will come up later in the night. That he doesn’t know how to deal with the things going on in his life right now.

I tell him we will discuss.

A few hours after class, he shows up. With wine.

I laugh and pour us both a glass.

“I’m not moving to San Fransisco” he says.

My eyes widen. I try to hide the smile on my face as best as I can.

“Oh. I’m so sorry dear. I know how much that meant to you” I say.

“Don’t be. It wasn’t meant to be” he says.

We take a sip of our wine.

“So…what’s going on?” I ask.

He rubs his eyes. “This is the first time in my life I’m having mental breakdowns. I don’t know if I need drugs or therapy.”.

“Uh huh okay. Why don’t you do the latter?”

He shakes his head. “No Shahz. I tried that before it’s not working. Look we won’t discuss this. This is why I didn’t want to tell you”.

Okay. He needs space. Point taken.

“Okay well uh. We should probably discuss some of the stuff that happened last week. We had some…uh intense discussions”.

“K” raises his eyebrows and nods.

I take a deep breath. “When I said it looks like we’re becoming serious, and you said that means we should become more intimate… that made me upset. Because we just met. And before we started dating, I said I don’t do that. Yet. So I was just like-” I begin.

“You were probably like ‘what the fuck'” K says finishing my sentence.

“Exactly!” I say laughing.

“Yea. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

He takes my hands in his. “I won’t bring it up anymore. When you want to talk about it, then you bring it up and we will discuss it. Okay?”

I smile. “Okay”.

We both take another sip of our wine.

“I’m sorry I didn’t finish my beer last week….” I say going onto the next one.

He puts his arm around me. “Hey no. Don’t worry about that.”

Okay good. Last one.

“And then. You… You said that thing about Cancun. You asked me if I was worried about you being surrounded by all those  women”

He doesn’t even laugh and looks serious.

“Shahz. That was a joke. I would NEVER do that to you. Ever” he says.

And with that, I smile.

“K” is no “Prince Player” or “Heart”, “K” is serious about me.

So now that we cleared the air, we can get on with our night. Which consists of me being very drunk.

“K” laughs. “Okay Shahz I’m going to go…”

I hold on to him. “Oh my god nooooo stay” I say.

“No Shahz. You’re drunk. I’ll come back tomorrow and take you out okay?” he says as he tucks me into bed.

I giggle. I never had a guy tuck me in before.

“Okay so when should I text you to make sure you don’t flake?” I ask laughing.

He rolls his eyes. “I won’t flake. I’ll call you in the morning.” I laugh.

He turns off my lights and leaves.

Saturday:

Sure enough. “K” calls me in the morning.

“Had a fun night last night Shahz?” he asks.

I rub my eyes and smile. “Yea.”

“Well. Are you ready for more?” he asks.

I laugh. “YES!” I say excitedly.

“Okay I’ll be there at 7.”

Great. So I run some errands. When I’m done, I shower and do my makeup. I put on my cute pink dress.

Later I hear a knock on my door.

“K” takes in a breath. “Wow you look amazing”.

He says more comments about how beautiful I am and asks where I want to go.

“Hmmm how about the Cheesecake Factory?” I ask.

“Blech. Pick another one.”

I laugh. “My dad has the same reaction”.

When we start debating about places, he finally says, “let’s just go to the Cheesecake Factory”.

As we walk out we see so many people in costumes.

“I got invited to so many Halloween parties tonight, K” I say.

He puts his arm around me. “I’m too old for that shit” he says.

I smile. Ah. someone like me.

When we arrive at the Cheesecake Factory, it is packed. We both agree we don’t want to wait. So we agree to go to the restaurant closest to it.

Which is. P.F Changs- the same place we had our first date at.

“I guess this will be our ‘go-to’ place” K says laughing.

When we arrive there we eat and talk more about ourselves.

He says another thing that my dad would say and I tell him, “My dad feels the same way!”

“You keep comparing me to your dad. It’s like you have daddy issues or something” he says.

I tilt my head and look at him. “You know I do”.

He holds my hand. “I’m not him Shahz”.

I sigh. “Okay”.

After we’re done eating I walk in front of him and I catch him standing still and staring.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing. You just look so beautiful from here” he says.

I laugh and hold his hand.

When we walk to the car, I mention something about being together.

“Whoa Shahz” he says.

“What?” I ask.

“We’re taking this slow remember?” he says.

“But. But. You just called me your girlfriend and you are my….”

“Yea I’m your boyfriend” he says taking out a cigarette.

Oh. Oh ❤

“Yea okay then what’s the problem?” I ask.

“We’ve known each other for like two weeks. Let’s not use that term yet okay?”

Okay fair enough. I smile.

In the car. “Lay me down” by Sam Smith plays.

“Oh this is my favorite song” I say.

“K” laughs. “Everything is your favorite song” he says.

It’s true.

When we get out and walk to my place he puts his arm around my waist and kisses me on the cheek in front of everyone walking by.

I smile and blush.

“What” he asks looking into my eyes as we wait to walk across the street.

“So baby pull me closer in the back seat of your rover” I say singing my favorite Chainsmokers song.

He laughs out loud. “Oh my god. You know I actually did have a Range Rover.”

I laugh. “That’s my favorite song!”

He shakes his head. “EVERYTHING is your favorite song” he says again.

“You kissed me when that song came on and it was playing all week everywhere I went” I say.

“Oh. I’m sorry boo” he says smiling.

Yea right. So he made up for everything.

We continued talking throughout the week. And on Tuesday, I was shocked to get a phone call from him. Why was he calling?

“I just thought, we haven’t talked in a while and I wanted to talk to you”he says.

I smile. We talked in person on Saturday. And we had texted the day before. And he already misses me ❤

“I miss you girl” he says as if he read my mind.

I smile.

“Hey. I have this wedding in Canada in a few weeks. If you’re free, you should be my date.”

My jaw drops. Holy. Shit. CANADA? CANADA? Are you listening Paul?

Wow. I think it is way too soon for an international trip with him.

We’re getting closer.

“I mean I don’t even know yet what I got going on that week so I may not even go, but just wanted to throw it out there”.

Okay then.

Closer.

xoxo. S.

A Letter to Paul

The other day I had the amazing honor of waking up to a letter from my favorite blogger, Paul. Mind you I have waited for this letter for like 5 months. That’s like 2 seasons! I was so mad at Paul. He had this like “wait-list” where I was number 14, and then I became 17. Like it was already hard enough being “14” on the waiting list you know? You’d think being Paul’s best blogger friend, I would jump the line. Anyways, I did not. And Paul was very fair and square and I finally got my turn this past Thursday! You can read his letter to me right here A Letter To Shaz.

And now I can write Paul a letter!

Dear Paul,

It is so funny you told me not to pinch myself, because I kid you not, I had just woken up when I got the notification that you posted my letter and I seriously did think it was a dream. In fact, I have had many dreams that you wrote me my letter!!! So when I saw the notification, my eyes widened. If I wasn’t so sleepy, I would have began jumping. I had my Health Law midterm that morning so I was a bit nervous. But your letter gave me the energy to get moving!

It amuses me how long ago we met, and how we are still the best of blogger friends. Your post “I Miss School Already” really got me. And since then, I have met lots of people and had many accomplishments. Who would have known? Are you happy that your words touched a celebrity (me), Paul? You should be!

Giving recaps of my day is fun. It can be time-consuming (because as you said I list about 83 different things that happened) but you know what? I just love reading my own stuff lol! Whenever I’m at the airport, bus, or just bored- I read my blog as if it’s a novel and I’m like “Damn what a heroine that Shaz is. I wanna be her best friend”. And then I realize…I’m her lol!

I kid. No really. I honestly give so many personal details to inspire others like me. To show them that they too can do it and that although there will be sad days, there will be like 9 happy days to make up for it.

Yes, what a TV show my life is like. I love it. We need a title for this TV show!

I can’t believe I ever had a page called “Code Names for Guys”. I think I’m going to delete it soon :0 That list would be rather long now….

Anyways, the real reason I’m going to delete is because…I think I am in a committed relationship now ❤ I just had to tell you Paul! You probably read and commented the most about my heartbreaks, so there’s the happy news! Finally, a dude that calls me his “girlfriend”, takes a million pictures with me, and shows me off in public.

I’m so amazed that you predicted I would have a new relationship by Halloween! You were right! Please predict how it will go haha.

True “K” did “flop” and gave me quite a scare (no puns intended), but we used this Halloween weekend (more about this later) to sort out our differences and we came to a compromise. The more I get to know him, the more I’m learning how to help him during this time in his life. He’s a good addition to my life as well!

Now that that’s settled, I can respond to a few of the other people you mentioned!

Oh “Heart”. Now that I met “K” who treats me like a Queen, I’m not really sure what I ever saw in “Heart”.

“Prince Player”. Hmmm. Tough one. He probably caused me the most heartbreak, but taught me the most about relationships. But he is definitely no Hugh Hefner haha! Hugh Hefner is old and surrounded by beautiful women. Him, not so much. (Except me, I’m the only beautiful woman 🙂 ) Hahaha I kid!

Mr. Photography dude. You know sometimes I just think about calling him MPD. I chose this name for him because I hated how he would take pictures of me and I was so annoyed. And then it just stuck.

And that brings us back to “K”. Ah “K”. I’m going to “flop” a lot when it comes to him because we’re still getting to know each other. But I believe in him and me ❤ And you better believe I will update you and all my other readers about it!

My life is really busy trust me. I just got out of a meeting with my Professor to discuss a big project I’m interested in doing about refugees and I’m about to go to night class. but I take small breaks between stuff like this to write 🙂

That Britney Spears moment always gets me. And oh my gosh. I wasn’t listening to Lady Gaga because I had just woken up, but I was listening to her right before I went to bed!!! Can you guess which song? I bet you’d get it right!

Finally, thanks for your kind words Paul I will keep fighting, I will keep growing, and I will keep following my dreams. And you better do the same! It is an honor to be your blogger friend.

You’ve inspired a lot of people including myself and you always know how to make us laugh.

With even more humor,

Shaz

 

The Trials of Love

(also known as Dating Part 8, continued from Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries) Just look at this spin-off series.

I wake up Thursday feeling miserable. I have this issue with “K”, law class, and a keynote to practice for. I have a broken phone, and also, no cute outfit to wear for my keynote.

I prioritize. First, I tell myself that “K” has told me we are going out tomorrow and I won’t have to think about that until tomorrow when my speech ends. Okay great. Next, I go to law class. Done. Then, I go to this person I found on Yelp to get my phone fixed. $75 gone out of my pocket, but I have my phone back. Okay done. Then, I call an Uber and go to Macy’s.

Alright. So that begins the dress shopping issue. Why is it. That. There are not enough choices for petite girls?? I try on dresses for THREE HOURS. And I have an incredibly hard time. The employees are just as exhausted as I am, wanting to go home after a long day. So finally, as I was about to give up. I find a cute little dress!

Okay great. It’s 9:30. So I come back home and begin practicing. But I’m dead tired and still have homework to do, so I finish my homework and go to sleep. I promise myself I will wake up early in the morning and practice my speech.

So I do. I wake up nervous, but excited. I’m making a keynote for goodness sake.

I Facetime with my mom and practice. I snap some pictures to “K”, but he doesn’t respond a lot. So I go to class. In class, my whole cohort is aware I’m making the speech and they let me practice with them and all of them wish me good luck ❤

Finally, after class, it is show time. I put on my cute dress, pumps, and perfume.

I look out in the crowd and I panic. So many people. To add even more pressure, the two performances before me get standing ovations.

Fuck. Finally it’s my turn. The organizers hug me and tell me I got this. I think about the mandatory workshops and speech training I went to for this and what a big honor this is.

And I give that speech.

No standing ovation, but hey, I think I did pretty damn good for a girl with ADHD and anxiety. And I did get lots of applause and compliments.

All I want to do now is lay in K’s arms.

But it is 9:00. And I have no word from K.

I call him. It goes to voicemail.

What the fuck. Finally, I get a call from him. 30 minutes later.

“Hey….” he begins.img_1282

“Hey what’s going on?” I ask.

“I’m so sorry. I had to do something for my dad. Are you mad?” he says.

“Oh. Um. No. I’m not mad. Can you still come and see me?” I ask.

“I mean yea but it will be like 1:00 by the time I get around there and it’s raining” he says.

He’s right. It is pouring like crazy. It’s not a good night to go out anyway.

“I see. Um okay. Well this is really complicated” I say.

He laughs. “You know how busy I am. You knew what you were getting into” he says.

I don’t believe this. No I didn’t! He never warned me about this before we began dating, i was me that warned him saying that dating me is “like walking on eggshells”. But he didn’t care. No wonder because he is the one messing up, not me.

I roll my eyes. “Do you just want to do tomorrow then?” I ask.

“Yea. We can do lunch and nap afterwords!” he says as if he was hoping for me to suggest it.

I laugh. “Yea that sounds good”.

“Shahz…I’m going to Cancun next week” he says.

“Uh huh yea you told me. About all those women you’ll be around. I’m not nervous” I say unsure why he’s bringing it up again.

“You’re not?” he asks. What the fuck. Why is he asking this again? This is the same guy that said “I don’t think I’ll ever be with someone as good as you. I want to be with you” a week ago.

“No…should I be?” I ask.

“You really need to hold your liquor. God Wednesday night” he says changing the subject.

Goodness. He ignores my question and says that. I am so confused. Is he mad at me? MISERY #4.

We continue talking, confirm the plan, and say goodnight. I’m not in the best mood anyway because of my speech and all the rain, but I am a little disappointed. I take off my heels and dress.

I wake up the next morning excited. Still raining but oh well. I shower and get dressed. The clock strikes the time he is supposed to be here and I receive a text. Not an “I’m here text” but a “Hey babe! Can we reschedule to 9”? text. MISERY #5.

Okay like I know he’s busy.

So I change out of my dress and go work out. I try to do some homework. I take my own nap.

And I begin getting ready again. I’m all dolled up by 8:30. And I wait. And I wait. I send him a snap. When he doesn’t open that and it is 10:00, I call him, it goes to voicemail.

You have got to be kidding me. 2 strikes. MISERY #6.

img_0190So I order a pizza and watch The Good Wife and go to bed. On Sunday, the last day of my weekend, I wake up to no explanation from him.

I hope that he will send me a long apology text and show up at my doorstep like he did the last time he had two strikes.

But my intuition tells me that won’t happen.

When he continues not to say a word and it begins distracting me, I send him a text.

My phone blows up with three messages an hour later.

“I messed up”.

“I’m sorry”.

“Mental breakdowns on repeat”.

Ah and there it is. He could have just told me. Does he know what’s like to sit in your outfit, makeup, and heels waiting 3 times in a row? But I’ve had these breakdowns before and know what it’s like. You don’t want to talk to anyone during this time.

unnamedSo I tell him,”It’s okay. Take your time love.”

Even though. Something. Is. Definitely. Not. Okay. Here.

That is our last bit of communication. We don’t talk after that or anything today. I have a feeling we won’t talk for a while.

And so now begins the trials of love.

Can I really do this?

Do I really want to do this?

xoxo. S.

Praying that Third Time’s A Charm (A Series of Miseries)

(also known as Dating Part 7)

By the time “K” left, it was 3 am. A six hour date. Wow, that’s one for the books. “K” told me I should always text him, even if I’m just thinking of him.

So on Sunday morning, I do just that. We tell each other we miss each other already. “K” suggests he come see me that night. Whoa, it’s been less than 24 hours. And I have to do a coding assignment for class anyway. I tell him we should wait. It’s too soon, and the coding assignment took 9 hours! He seems upset, I am too. He ignores me.

But then on Monday, I get two exciting news that I share with him. One is that my presentation I was nervous about? I got an A+ and….the Professor loved it so much she wants to share it with the Dean and possibly  all of the university!!!! “K” tells me he is proud of me and I deserve it. And that I shouldn’t have been nervous at all. As if things could not get any better, I find out that I won a speech writing contest in our program and was asked to make the KEYNOTE :0 This past Friday. Holy moly, I was on fire.

So on Monday, we are both in great moods. “K” suggests we go out again on Tuesday or Wednesday. I pick Wednesday on account of I have a group project on Tuesday. Thank goodness I did that, that group project took all night :0

So Wednesday comes and I am super excited. I am running errands all over the place, handling multiple things at once when I…drop my iPhone (MISERY 1). I hold in my breath and pick it up. Fuck. It is broken. I have dropped my phone like 100 times, it never broke, till now. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I try using it, it works but the shattered glass cuts my finger. Okay that’s not safe. I use my iPad and text “K” and my parents. “K” laughs and says I should take it to Apple. He is an app developer and thinks he knows everything about iPhones (he kind of does for the most part). But from my experience, all Apple does is make me broke. So I research some repair shops. And I find one. I make an appointment for Thursday.

Okay so Wednesday. I get ready, my mom asks if I’m watching the debate. Shoot, I was so excited for the date, I forgot! Oh well. (Thanks for updating me Paul!) I put on my black pencil dress and nude heels.”K” calls saying he will be a little late so I watch a little bit of it. Finally, 30 minutes later he shows up.

I see him in my lobby. Wait what? Why isn’t he outside in his car waiting for me?

He hugs me, “Wow you look amazing”.

I raise my eyebrows as I hug him back. “I thought we were going out”.

“Yea we are. Um. But can we just go up and talk first?” he asks.

For some reason, I’m thinking “K” is saying that because he missed me  and wants to be in private for a bit.

“We can do that later” I say laughing.

“No we really need to talk. 20 minutes” he says.

And again for some reason, I don’t pick up that he needs to literally “talk” to me.

Because as soon as we get back to my place. He sits down. And says. “I got a big offer in San Francisco” (MISERY 2).

I feel my entire world collapse. I get off his lap.

“What?” I ask.

“This company. Offered us a big deal to buy my company and work with me. It’s a pretty big offer. Lots of money”.

I think I’m about to puke.

“How about a ‘congratulations’ Shahz?”

I swallow. “Congratulations baby. I’m proud of you”.

“Oh my god Shahz don’t cry. I have this thing if people start crying I begin crying too!”

I still stand facing the door.

“Hey come here” he says.

I walk away instead. “K. You know we connected this past week. And after all that. You’re leaving!”

“Have you heard of a thing called long distance relationship , Shahz?”

I laugh “No way. I’m not good with that”.

He pulls me back onto his lap. “Look Shahz. I haven’t accepted it yet. I’m still thinking about it. There are a lot of reasons for me to stay here. My family is here…and a lot of other people who are important to me are here” he says looking into my eyes.

This leads to him kissing me. And me kissing him.

“Are you going to say no to the San Fransisco offer now?” I ask laughing.

“Mmmm what’s San Fransisco again?” he asks with his nose touching mine.

He asks if I still want to go out, I say yes considering I need a drink after what he told me. We drive their in silence.

He makes a comment about it. I hold his hand and squeeze it.

When we get to the bar, we order beers and talk. He finishes his quickly. I only have half, and I am tipsy.

“Shahz really? You’re not going to finish it?”

I don’t know if he said that because I wasted his money or because I can’t handle liquor well” :0

I shrug. I bring up the fact that our relationship seems to be getting serious, and he…brings up the fact that we should consider taking our intimacy to the next level (MISERY 3).

14681805_914754628660374_3608875807356949159_nI suddenly become un-drunk. “I told you I don’t do that… plus we just met” I say.

“Yes and I understand. But you also just said we are about to be in a serious relationship and I think that is a part of a serious relationship” he says.

I put my face in my hands. “God I didn’t expect us to get this far. I didn’t even want to go out with you at first remember?” I say.

“Oh so now you’re saying you didn’t want all this?” he says.

I grab his arm. “No no no. That’s not what I’m saying. But you’re moving to San Fransisco and-“.

“Can you stop saying that? It isn’t even official yet!” he says.

I swallow. And nod.

“We should go” he says.

He puts his arm around me and we walk out. But I feel he is mad at me. But he kisses me on the cheek outside. I still think he’s mad at me.

He drives me back home. We are silent again. He points it out.

I sigh. “It seems we’re different” I say.

“Yea…”he says.

We get to my place and although we were planning to hang out, he says. “Babe, I think I’ll just leave it here. You obviously have a lot of thinking to do”.

But me, being so scared of being alone, plead with him to stay. So he parks his car and comes up.

“I should get going…” he says after a short while. “I have to drive back and don’t want it to be too late” he says.

I pull him closer. “Just spend the night. You’re tired. You shouldn’t have to drive another hour”.

He kisses my cheek. “It’s tempting. But I have to wake up early in the morning though. But hey. How about Friday? We can go out and come back here and have that sleepover” he says.

I smile. That would be a nice way to celebrate (or mope over) my keynote speech.

“Sounds good.”

He grabs his jacket. “Think about everything I said okay?”

I nod. Little did I know, there was going to be a lot of thinking 😦

xoxo. S.

Third Time’s A Charm

(Also Known as “Dating Part 6”)

So after being stood up by “K” twice, I knew he must have one hell of an awesome date planned for us. Boy he did.

When 9:00 came and I got no notification he was here, I panicked. But at last, at 9:03, I got the call that he was outside.

And there he was outside waiting for me in his car.

I smile and get in his car, “Hey” I say.

His jaw drops. “Oh my god. Hi. Can I just” he hugs me “touch you to make sure you’re real”.

I burst out laughing.

One of our friends introduced us to each other and we haven’t seen each other in person till now.

I put on my seat belt. “Where we going?”

“I ‘m taking you to this French bar that has the most amazing wine” he says pulling out of my street.

“Sounds good” I say.

We instantly connect and talk about lots of things.

When we get to the bar, we sit down and he orders us both a glass of Pinot Noir.

As we wait, he can’t stop staring at me.

“You look like a (insert my full name that means Princess) right now”.

I smile.

“Your lips, just fall perfectly on your face” he says.

I laugh.

“God when you laugh, you look like a million bucks babe” he says.

I smile.

We talk and we talk. We connect so much I tell him about my ADHD.

He is surprisingly very understanding.

“That’s part of the reason I freaked out when you didn’t answer my messages” I say.

“That will never happen again. I promise” he says.

So he explains he was having a mental breakdown, his company’s server crashed and the car accident all messed up his mind.

“Like I was sitting there. Looking at my server. With my phone in one hand opening all your snaps. And I was like “should I respond? should I?” but I was freaking out Shahz” he says.

I shrug. “You could have just told me. I have a mental breakdown every other day” I say.

“See. Well now I know you have ADHD and you would understand. At the time I was so embarrassed” he says.

As we continue to connect, we talk about how he is younger than me.

“Oh my god. I am a cougar!” I say.

“If you’re a cougar, I’ll be your cub. But you’re only like a year or so older so we don’t qualify” K says laughing.

He continues making jokes and I feel all this blood rush up my cheeks.

“You are blushing so much right now” K says.

I look away and smile. It is very hard to make me blush because of my skin tone but he knows how to do it.

After the wine, I get hungry. So “K” asks for the check and pays. We decide we will walk and find a place. “K” holds my hand as we walk.

The only place that looks open in P.F Changs. “That’s my dad’s favorite restaurant. We go there every time we have to celebrate something” I say laughing.

“K” looks at me. “You wanna go there?” he asks.

Wow. P.F Changs for a first date. I think my dad would love him.

So we go to P.F Changs and the hostess gives us a gigantic booth. We sit on opposite sides and “K” looks at me for one second when he says, “I can’t sit this far away from you”. I laugh.

I order my favorite, honey chicken.

As we wait for our food. “K” and I talk about our families. He has a crazier family than mine. I didn’t even know that is possible. Finally, he wants to know about my family.

Fuck.

I don’t normally tell a guy about my parents on our first date (let alone ever), but “K” seems like he wants to be in a serious relationship with me. And if that’s the case, he should know.

I hold his hand for support. He holds it back.

And I tell him.

He doesn’t even flinch. And is very understanding.

“So that’s why I’m scared of serious relationships” I say.

He looks into my eyes. “I’d never do that to you, Shahz” he says.

“I know you wouldn’t” I say smiling.

Our food arrives and we eat and continue talking.

When we’re done. The waitress asks if we would like dessert. He gestures to me.

“Um yes” I say.

“Great, I’ll bring you the menu” the waitress says.

I look at “K”. “Am I making you broke right now? I don’t have to have dessert” I say.

He shakes his head and kisses me on the cheek. “No I want you to have what you want”.

I could just collapse ❤

So I order the cheesecake and we split it.

At one point, he take the fork with cheesecake and puts it in my mouth. Oh my gosh. I have never been so romanticized. “I think we need the check” I say as I feel myself blushing harder.

“Yea, you’re right” K says laughing.

I reflect on what an amazing night I just had. I felt like a Queen. Could this really be it? Is it12553016_753650241437481_251180493271500687_n good for me to have a relationship right now? I’m studying for my Master’s and I don’t want it to be a distraction.

Our fortune cookies arrive.

“Oh my god, I wonder what these could possibly say” I say laughing.

I open mine and burst out laughing.

“What?” K asks.

“Don’t mistake your next opportunity as a distraction” I say laughing hard.

“You see?” K says.

“Yea. That will be a story to tell our kids. Open yours!” I say.

He does and takes one look and closes his eyes and laughs.

“Oh my god what?” I ask.

“You are in for a long journey with a friend” he says.

We both laugh and head out. He takes me for a drive around the city. When it’s time to say goodbye, a weirdly good song is playing in his car.

I ask him what it is.

“You like it?” he asks smiling.

“No” I say lieing.

“It’s ‘I see fire’ by Ed Sheeran. I only have it because it’s from Lord of the Rings” he says.

“Do you see fire in me?” I ask.

He smiles and nods.

And then he kisses me. And then that kiss turns into another. And then three. And then 4. And then 100.

Many songs with the most appropriate lyrics play.

And then “All of Me” by John Legend starts playing.

“Ugh. Now it’s that one song that reminds everyone about their past relationships” K says.

I laugh and look at him. “Or…a new one” I say.

He kisses my hand.

Yes. I’d like to hope. This is it. And third time’s a charm.

But maybe. Not.

xoxo. S.

Dating Part 6

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in two weeks. This is a record. And I have so many updates!

The weekend I wrote my last post, “Lovebug”, I was really sad. My friend Yasmeen texted me that night.

“Hey! It’s Friday! That means you have time to talk to me. How are you?” she asked.

“Fine” I say.

“How’s the boys? How’s school? How’s your mom?” she follows up.

“All fine” I say.

Somehow, I know she’ll call my bullshit.

“Something’s not right. Tell me Shahz” she says.

I sigh. There are no secrets with best friends. I tell her I’m worried about my mom. I tell her it was weird having “Prince Player” call me “lovebug” because only my mom calls me that.

“I think it’s a sign. That she was thinking of you” Yasmeen says.

I smile. So true.

And on that matter, I realize that as much as I miss “Prince Player”, he didn’t treat me half as well as my dates in Boston have.

So I begin to mingle again.

And on Columbus day (2 days later), I meet, “K”. (We gotta call him “K” because he has a unique Arabic name like mine and I need to respect his privacy :0)

Anyways. Like most people I end up having the best relationships with, I’m not really attracted to him at first.

He is in undergrad (oops) but took a semester off to start his own company (redeemed myself).

We talk about our cultures, our religion, our interests. We find a lot of stuff in common and he insists we go out. I say no. So we talk some more and finally, when he begins talking about his dad and how they don’t always see eye to eye, I connect with him. And when he talks about wanting to provide education for undeserved kids, I connect with him. And so the third time he says “I just want to take you out and have wine with you” I say “Okay”. He was shocked. “Seriously? Yay!!!” he says. “Yea” I say.

So we continue talking the next day.

“Good morning Princess!” his text says.

Well damn. What a way to wake up.

I have my midterm presentation that day. I tell him how nervous I am.

“Why nervous? Just be yourself. Ace that presentation beautiful!” he says.

I feel myself blush. I tell him I have a secret.

“Tell me” he says.

“Yesterday, I wondered about you all day” I admit.

“I wondered about you all day. I’m still wondering about you” he says.

And this is when “K” officially asks me out. He suggests Thursday evening and I say thatimg_1189 will be great even though I’m nervous. I warn him about how my life is like walking on eggshells and how I may not “click” with him, but, it doesn’t seem to bother him. “I wouldn’t mind being rejected by someone so amazing like you. I’ve never wanted someone this much before. If we don’t click, we don’t click. I’ll respect your decision. It will be a shame for me but I honestly don’t mind. How many guys get to go on a date with you on Thursday? One. That’s me”.

Well then. How could you say no to a guy that says all that?? So I agree. My presentation that night goes extremely well and he is proud. We continue talking through Wednesday about how excited we are.

Wednesday night, I’m even surprised to get a PHONE CALL from him! Who does this in 2016? :0 A gentlemen ❤

I stare at his name on my iPhone screen.

“Hello” I say.

“Hey beautiful!” he says.

“Hey” I say laughing.

He says he’s excited to see me tomorrow and asks what kinds of foods I like so he can know where he can take me to dinner ❤

We talk for a while and then I call Mr. Photography dude. “He seems like he’ll be a decent guy. Let’s hope he’s not like your last 2 dates in Boston and Third Time’s A Charm”. Right. Sure.

So Thursday arrives and I am suddenly nervous. I have an extremely bad intuition. I don’t have a good feeling about this date.

I tell my good friend Anna before class begins. She tells me I should “cancel it” if I have that bad of an intuition. But just as we discuss it, my phone blows up with texts from “K”.

“Oh fuck” I say staring at the screen as Anna watches over my shoulder.

“Hi babe”

“I’m so sorry we will have to reschedule for tomorrow. I got into a pretty bad accident last night and didn’t catch much sleep. Things came up at work too. I know this sounds really awful but can I make it up to you tomorrow?”

“Same deal, just one more day”

“Bear with me?”

I look at the four texts. Of course it’s okay. I tell him and ask if he’s alright. He says nothing.

So I wait another 24 hours. Friday comes and I have no word from him. Not even a confirmation about our plans.

I’m sad. One of the med students who I occasionally talked to over the past few weeks comes over to me as I sit on the bench after class and stare at “K’s” name on my phone screen.

“Hey Shahz” he says.

“What’s up Ahmed?” I ask.

He straightens his stethoscope out. “Nothing. Did you think about what I said?”

I look at him. “No Ahmed. You’re a great guy. But I met this guy. And I’m starting to like him okay? I need to be loyal to him”  I say.

“Did he even respond to your texts?” Ahmed asks.

I look down. “No” I say.

“Huh. You gonna let him stand you up twice?” he asks.

I shake my head. “What the fuck is wrong with this dude. We really connected. Why would he do this to me?”

Ahmed shakes his head too. “I don’t know. But he’s a lucky guy. You know where to find me if things don’t work out” he says.

I nod.

“I gotta get back to the clinic. Take care” he says.

I go home and am in shock that “K” has not returned any of my texts or Snapchats.

I wake up Saturday morning. And I have loads of texts, but still none from him.

No way.

I had sent him a Snapchat saying “Don’t fuck this up, K” and I saw that he “opened” it.

But no response.

So I call him. It goes straight to voicemail. Not even a voicemail box, but a straight up click.

Is this for real?

So I send him one hell of a message. This will be it.

“Look K. I don’t know what’s going on but, I’m really worried because you haven’t answered any of my messages. And you stood me up twice (you could have told me about the second one). I find it hard to believe that you don’t want me anymore, considering all the things you said to me- but if that’s the case, just let me know. I will delete your number and move on.”

I press send before I even reconsider.

And one hour later.

I. get. a. response.

“I’m so sorry. I can explain everything. Are you free tonight? If so, I’m coming to see you and bringing a bottle of wine. I have had a really rough time emotionally these past two days. But it’s no excuse. I fucked up, I hope you can get over it. Let me make it up to you” he says.

My jaw drops. The original message was way longer than that, but I cut it for privacy. Anyways, I tell “K” it’s fine and I look forward to seeing him.

Little did I know. There’s such a thing as “Third Time’s A Charm”.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.