It will have to be “Am I Wrong” by Nico and Vinz. It recaps my past year.
This whole year, I’ve been having to defend myself. Everytime I said something, everyone wanted to know why. Whether it was the decision to change my major, quit my job, my ADHD, my like for “Prince Player”, my love for “Heart”, not posting the Facebook status everyone else was posting- I had to tell myself that I am not wrong. I am not wrong for having a vision, I am not wrong for thinking “Heart” and I can be something real, and I am not wrong for not doing what everybody else is doing. This road is mine, I’ll fall but I’ll grow.
Readers, my recap of Sophomore year is coming I promise, it’s a rather long post! I was driving yesterday, missing both “Heart” and “Prince Player” and this song came on. I didn’t recognize who sang it at first, I thought to myself and realized I knew that voice. I thought no it can’t be, it can’t be Maroon 5 because I have heard ALL of their songs! How come I have never heard of this one? Oh yea, because it just came out YESTERDAY! I am amazed, usually when artists make new songs and albums- they suck. But Maroon 5, they keep getting better and better!
I would like to split this song and give a portion to each of my current lovers.
The chorus is really applicable to “Prince Player” (I italicized it in the lyrics).
But really, every other line is so applicable to “Heart” (not italicized).
When I first heard it, I had a feeling that the song couldn’t be just about love. And Adam Levine says: “I think it’s kind of about a lot of things. It’s complicated. It’s also kind of not giving up on things too. People go through a lot of things and get stepped on and step on others and we all make mistakes … It’s kind of more about not giving up on something, even though maybe you should.”It’s amazing how that second to last line applies to “Prince Player, and the very last line is how I feel about “Heart”.
Lyrics:
I miss taste of the sweet life
I miss the conversation
I’m searching for a song tonight
I’m changing all of the stations
I like to think that, we had it all
We drew a map to a better place
But on that road I took a fall
Oh baby why did you run away?
I was there for you In your darkest times I was there for you In your darkest nights
But I wonder where were you When I was at my worst Down on my knees And you said you had my back So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following
I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
Cause all these strangers come over me
Now I can’t get over you
No I just can’t get over you
I was there for you In your darkest times I was there for you In your darkest nights
But I wonder where were you When I was at my worst Down on my knees And you said you had my back So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Yeah yeah yeah
Oh oh
Oh I was there for you Oh In you darkest times Oh I was there for you Oh In your darkest nights
Oh I was there for you Oh In you darkest times Oh I was there for you Oh In your darkest nights
But I wonder where were you When I was at my worst Down on my knees And you said you had my back So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following
It marks the one year of me throwing away my meds and moving on with my life. It marks my recovery.
In this one year without meds, things have been tough. I will explain this in next week’s post. But for now, I listen to this song. As many of you may have guessed, “Heart” won’t be coming to visit me today, and he definitely won’t be there to celebrate my recovery with me next week. We’re through.
But still. I have many other supporters and I am proud of myself for pushing through this past year. I present this song by Pink as the song of the week. Each line has spoken to me every day of my recovery.
xoxo.S.
Lyrics:
Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss ‘No way, it’s all good’
It didn’t slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I’m still aroundPretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to meYou’re so mean (so mean) when you talk (when you talk)
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices (change the voices) in your head (in your head)
Make them like you instead.
So complicated,
Look how we all make it.
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough, I’ve done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I’ve seen you do the same
(Oh oh)
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me
The whole world’s scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we try, try, try but we try too hard
And it’s a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?
(Yeah! Oh!)
Oh, pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me
(You’re perfect, you’re perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me.
I can’t do this “Heart” thing anymore. Something feels really off, and I don’t have a good feeling about this. But of course, if I see him again- I’ll totally forget all of these feelings and fall for him again. As of now however, I’m going nuts- he better slow me down.
I don’t want to leave you heart 😦
“If all that’s left to do is walk away Then baby I’m as gone as yesterday But if there’s something you still need to say You need to say it now, hurry up and slow me down Slow me down”
But I don’t want you to leave me either 😦
“If you let this train roll down these tracks Gonna wish you tried to talk me back Boy, you’re gonna miss everything we had If you let this train roll down these tracks”
Day 1- Song: There’s Gotta Be More To Life by Stacie Orrico
This song came out when I was 10 years old. It only started hitting me in my teen and college years when I was really feeling the lyrics of the song.
So today, when I found this list online called “25 songs, 25 days” and I saw this topic…I immediately thought of this song and put myself in the shoes I was in the very first time I heard it.
It was the day my grandpa passed away. My family and I were stuck in Paris on a layover to India where my grandpa was in the hospital. As my parents talked about arrangements, my brother and I watched TV and there was Stacie’s music video premiere for this song.
Needless to say, this song was the hit song of the summer. As I mourned my grandpa’s death, this song was playing all the time.
And later as I grew up, and I felt overwhelmed as my family kept moving to our different homes, I would put on this song.
Today, this song has even deeper meaning to me as I’m even more older and I can totally feel what Stacie was feeling. Word on the street is- she just released a new album! I have to go listen to it 🙂
I hope to God that when I’m in my 40s I can still move like this woman. We’re talking about Anastacia who grew up with Crohn’s disease and fought breast cancer. I have always admired her as a performer. Even after 14 years of this song being released, she still looks AMAZING (watch the video!).
This song came out when I was 7 years old. I remember I would walk around singing “I’m outta love, set me free!”. My dad would ask, “Shaz, do you even know what that means?” But I would just continue singing, “Said how many times, have I tried to turn this love around? But you just let me down. Come on be a man about it!” And now my dad would raise his eye-brows “Believe me honey you don’t want to ever be in that situation.”
Oh well…now I know what my dad was talking about. That song has finally started hitting me. After I have forgotten about it for so long, it played right after “Prince Player” broke my heart for the last time. Remember Why I Want to Forgive Him? And how I turned down “Heart’s” date? Right.
It was like the song was cursing me and telling me to move on and start seeing “Heart”. So when I was ready, I did. But, he too left. And so yesterday, after I released Song of the Week: “Magic” by Coldplay “Heart” had texted.
I was shocked. I’m the one that usually texts him first after a break-up, I’m glad he took the initiative this time because I can’t even form words to talk to him. He asked “Are you doing okay?” Like hell I wasn’t! I can’t believe he actually cared enough to check I was sane. So to be polite, I replied with a one word answer- “Yea.” Luckily, he is smart, and wanted to know “You sure?”. No, I am miserable. But again to be polite, I responded, “Yes.” And then he responded, “Okay. Just checking up on you.” I said “Thanks”. Because that’s nice dear, it shows me that you actually give a shit you hurt my feelings.
Anyways, oddly enough- my iPod skipped to this song. And so, the lyrics that applied so much to both “Heart” and “Prince Player” blared.
Come on be a man about it You won’t die I ain’t got no more tears to cry And I can’t take this no more You know I gotta let it go And you know
I’m outta love Set me free And let me out this misery Just show me the way to get my life again ‘Cause you can’t handle me
That’s what I really wanted to tell “Heart”. I’m going to Denver after finals and it’s gonna suck going to bars and seeing mountains because the last time I was there for more than a weekend, “Heart” was there and he made it feel like home. Going there reminds me of him, and us.
But I have no more love for him. I’m done letting him toy with my feelings. I’d ask him to show me how to get my life again, but that’s my job. He sure as hell can’t handle me.
Exactly one week ago, as he broke up with me for the second time,”Heart” asked me how I could like him so much after so little time together and why I kept waiting for him. I was shocked. After all we’ve been through, he still doesn’t know. I could think of 1,000 reasons on the spot.
That night, this song came on. It’s from Coldplay’s new album. Coldplay was the first concert I went to, “Heart” and I bonded over our love for them. And it couldn’t describe the answer to “Heart’s” question better. So here’s to you “Heart”, why did I like you so much and why did I keep holding onto you?
“Call it magic….I call it magic when I’m with you. And I just got broken. Broken in two.”
“Still I call it magic, when I’m next to you. And I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t, no I’ don’t want anybody else but you.”
Oddly enough, last night I slept a full 10 hours and had a really nice dream. No it wasn’t the best dream ever like the prompt suggested, but it’s the first time I dreamt about “Heart” and it means a lot to me that I can at least see him this way.
So in the dream, I was in Denver and we were eating in one of my favorite restaurants. He was working there too, as a waiter. We were laughing and having a good time, I see my mother watching from the corner and she just shrugs. I guess she was okay with it. But right when he pulls me in for a kiss, his mom walks in. She saw the entire thing. He walks over to her and they get in a huge argument. And then she leaves. He comes back to me, pulls me in for another kiss and says “Don’t worry about it”.
In the next part of my dream, I’m staring at the farm outside the restaurant. Someone hurts my feelings, and I run to the farm crying. I walk around the ranch staring at the horses wishing for “Heart” to come and comfort me, but he doesn’t. He stared at me through the window, and went back to work.
And this is where I woke up. I shut my eyes and tried to dream again, but there was no going back.
I did a little analysis of the dream by myself, as haven’t had dreams in a while (especially about Heart!). I came to a realization- That first part of my dream, was my fantasy. The thing that I wish for everyday. And that second part of my dream, was reality. The fact that he can’t be here for me anymore.
So so very sad reader. It’s like there is minimal oxygen in my system. I woke up feeling breathless. I guess that is what Jordin and Chris are saying in this song.
Lately I’ve been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we could be. I know you’re working, but I miss you. This song speaks volumes to us. Call me soon ❤
For The Love Of Sass 