Memories (Part 2)

“Look on the bright side Shaz. It’s now a year since we’ve been on the frontlines of a major pandemic!” Maria says.

I smile. “Yea. That is awesome for sure. I’m so proud of us girl”

She laughs. “Shaz…I’ve been meaning to ask you something… are you sick again?”

I face her. “Why do you ask that?”

“You look a little pale. Your hand is cold. You keep holding your back…”

“Yep” I say.

“Oh no. How long with the bleeding now?”

“Like…3 weeks” I say.

“Jesus!”

“I know. What bothered me is this lower back pain. I never really had it before” I say.

“Oh my god! Remember that’s what Kim had and it turned out she was pregnant?” she asks referring to our other coworker.

I laugh and massage my back. “Yea but it’s not that. I took a test and it was negative”

Maria shakes her head. “All your scares Shaz. It’s always right after these boys take off”

“I know right. PCOS sucks. I can’t tell if I’m having a period, spotting, withdrawal bleeding, a cramp, or whatever so I never know what’s going on”.

Maria sighs. “Have you told your OB?”

I nod. “I got an appointment with him later this week.”

“I’ll pray for you my friend. Everything will be okay” she says squeezing my hand.

We get back to work.

The next few days I am tired. I hope the doctor can figure out what’s going on. This is just too much to handle.

The day finally comes and my favorite nurse is on duty. She does my ultrasound and says everything looks as it usually does, nothing new. So that maybe we should do a different one, one that will look more closely at my “lady problems” as Prince Player calls them. But that she has to consult with the doctor first.

A few minutes she and the doctor comes in.

“What is happening Shaz?” the doctor asks.

“You tell me” I say.

“Well. We’re gonna do this other ultrasound that will take a closer look. Fair warning it’s a little uncomfortable. You may feel lightheaded. Cramping. And may bleed a little more. Stephanie, get her a pad just in case please” he says motioning to the nurse.

My jaw drops. He nods. “It’s just another precaution we have to take. We need to rule out things so we can figure out what’s happening.”

I sigh “Alright” I say. Dr. Davis has been amazing. Never in a million years would I imagined I’d agree to a male OB, but after my cyst ruptured and he took good care of me- he is the only one I will see!

“So how is everything?” Dr. Davis asks as he prepares.

“Fine” I say shrugging.

“Yea, you still with the partner?” my eyes widen.

Oh my god he is asking about Prince Player. I keep forgetting about Prince Player not because I don’t miss him but this is just how I cope with heartache. So it takes me a moment to remember who he is talking about.

“Um no” I say.

“Yea I remember he was a new partner. Or rather you hadn’t seen him in a few years, and then you did?”

Oh my goddd.

“Yea. We’re not together anymore” I say.

Dr. Davis nods. He doesn’t squeeze answers out of me and that I like.

And then the ultrasound begins. Good grief. I am positive this is what labor feels like.

I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

“A little cramping, almost done Shaz”

Omgggg.

“And done. Stephanie let her get dressed and send her to the consultation room please” Dr. Davis says.

I get up from the exam table. “Umm..”

“Are you ok? Dizzy?” Stephanie asks.

“Yea..” I say.

“Ok sit for a moment. Take it slowly once I go. Yell if you need something, I’ll be waiting outside.”

I nod.

When I’m dressed Nurse Stephanie takes me into Dr. Davis’s office which is not an exam room. I’ve never been in one of these.

“What’s happening? Am I dieing?” I ask.

Dr. Davis laughs. “No, have a seat” he says gesturing to one of the two chairs in front of him.

“Well what is it? Am I pregnant?” I ask. Dr. Davis knows as much as I would love to have a baby, I don’t want one right now. Especially after the way “Prince Player” ended things.

Dr. Davis laughs again, “No. There was no baby in the ultrasound”.

I sigh. “Phew that is really good”.

Dr. Davis nods. “I wanted to talk to you because that second ultrasound was normal. There were no polyps or anything that indicated anything beyond what you’ve had all these years which is PCOS. So now the question is. How do we stop this bleeding”

“Yep” I say.

“At this point we have explored almost every oral contraceptive out there. It doesn’t seem like your body is responding to those well. Even the last one we put you one, worked for a solid 9 months- and then just stopped”.

I nod.

“So it is time we consider the alternatives I’ve told you about Shaz” Dr. Davis says.

“Oh my god no not the IUD” I say.

“That is one. We could also put you on the shot. But the shot you have to come in every 3 months, and you will experience breakthrough bleeding for the first couple of months. At this point- we aren’t comfortable putting you on that with the amount of blood you are already losing”.

I nod. “With the IUD, wouldn’t I get a period every single month?” With the pills I’ve been on the last few years, I only got a period once every season.

Dr. Davis nods. “Yes but they will subside after some time. Plus as it stands right now. You are actually bleeding more days than you are not”.

“That’s very true” I say.

“It’s not a decision you need to make today Shaz. You are also welcome to just stop taking the pills you are on now and see if things naturally get better. But it would mean you are not protected…”

I hug my purse. “Oh yea we don’t need to worry about that. I won’t be having sex any time soon” I say remembering my poor heart and Prince Player.

Dr. Davis looks at me “But, I know long term- you might want to be”.

I shut my eyes. He is a good doctor.

I nod. “Let’s do the IUD. If I stop the pill I’ll get horrible cramps and heavy bleeding, that’s what happened in the past. If I stay on it nothing will change and I’ll keep getting these prolonged bleeds. The shot we ruled out. You’ve been telling me about the IUD for a year now so let’s go with that. It’s worked for patients you treated with my condition right?”

Dr. Davis nods “Yes it absolutely has. But remember, not every body is the same. We won’t know what happens until we try. I wish I had a solid answer for you.

I nod. “How bad will this hurt?”

“It’ll be similar to the ultrasound we just did. But, you’re tough” Dr. Davis says.

Yes thank you 17 years of horrible menstrual cramps.

I laugh, “Ok but that pain I just had in there was awful!”

Dr. Davis nods. “If you’d like Shaz, we can pre-medicate you”

I nod fast, “Yes, do that”

Dr. Davis laughs and makes notes. “Ok, got it”.

“Recovery time?”

Dr. Davis shrugs. “Some women are able to drive back to work and go about their normal duties. Some woman need recovery time for a day or a couple of days due to cramping”.

My jaw drops. “Ok soooo. That’s gonna be me! Which means I need to come here on one of the two days I’m allowed to work remote. But you are only here once a week on alternating days, so that may be hard….”

Dr. Davis smiles and nods “Let’s look at my schedule. We could always try another provider”

I shake my head, “I only trust you”.

Dr. Davis laughs, “Ok. You have clinic every other day right, leaving the day after each available? I think I have an opening a week and a half from now”.

It works with my schedule and we confirm.

I drive home still in pain. When I come for the procedure in a week and a half, I’m definitely going to Uber.

I take the rest of the day easy.

I think about Prince Player.

I remember him so well when people bring him up. I wish we could be together. I wish I knew what he was up to. Haven’t heard from him in three months.

Little did I know, it wouldn’t be too long.

continued in How Will I Know

xoxo. S.

Memories

“How are you? Really?” my friend and good coworker Maria asks.

We are both vaccinated now so now we can resume our coffee breaks in my car. Too bad I’m not wearing my mask, it’s hard to lie.

“I am so sad” I whisper.

She nods.

“I am really sad”.

She nods again.

“What happened?” she whispers.

“Why are you whispering? No one else is here!” I say laughing.

“Sorry! You were whispering so I thought I should too!”

I nod.

“So… what happened?” she now asks in a normal tone.

I look down. I folded my hands. “I don’t know” I say.

“Whatever it is trust God” she says as she has been saying the last two years when it came to my family, relationships, and job.

“But why would God keep throwing Prince Player into my life only for him to leave every time he does? Hmm? This is like…almost a decade now!”

She sips her coffee, “Maybe he’s meant to stay. Eventually…”

“I don’t know, I told him it was my last hurrah with him” I say.

She raises an eyebrow. “Did ya really mean that?”

I suck in my cheeks. “No…”

“Then why’d you say it?”

“Because he does this every time. He comes in, swoops me up, loves me harder than before- only to leave me the next week” I say.

“It sounds like each time he does come back, he is better though right?”

“Yea… but I don’t know if he’s coming back this time. He said he doesn’t want to communicate with me anymore” I say.

Maria laughs. “Shaz. You and I know that’s a lie. He just feels bad because deep down he knows he really does love you, but something is preventing him from going through with it”.

I nod. “Yea I know”.

“Give him some time. If it’s meant to be he’ll come back. If not, there will be better Shaz. I promise!”

I stay silent.

Maria holds my arm, “See I’d normally tell you to go find someone else after he’s dragged your heart like this. But it’s written all over your face and heart how you feel about this one”.

I nod.

“What do you love about him so much Shaz? You didn’t really tell me much about that like you did with your ex” Maria says.

I look up. “Well for starters, he’s really cute. Just like me. He admitted our babies would be super good looking!”

Maria nearly spits out her coffee. She laughs. “Oh my god Shaz. What else?”

I laugh too. “Ok ok I’m kidding! Well he is, but beyond that… We just. Go well together. It’s like, I can tell what he’s thinking when I’m in his presence. Even when we are far I can too. And he can read me pretty well too. He always listens to me and takes my side on everything. Like I don’t know anyone who is more “Team Shaz” than he is. In college whenever I was nervous about a class or something, he’d always encourage me and tell me I’d do great. And he’d be the first to congratulate me. And every time I look at him, I don’t see 26 year old Prince Player- I see 17 year old Prince Player. Like I remember the first time I saw him. And our first time alone together. He was walking me home on one of those crisp fall Chicago days. I do not have an ex in the world I have gone back to this many times. “Heart” I did a few times but not as much as this. My last one I went back to just once and that was enough. And this one. Oh my god he’s just a part of me. And our weekend together three months ago, just reiterated all of this. I will never understand why he left”.

Maria looks at me sad, and hold my arm again.

I rest my head on the steering wheel.

“Maria. Fuck these memories seriously”.

to be continued in Memories (Part 2)

Strangers

Plop. I have fallen.

Omg. One crazy 11 hour shift later, I fall in the parking lot of the clinic. Chicago had one heck of a snowstorm over the weekend and it left a lot of ice everywhere. I hold my knee, god that is painful.

And finally, I can cry. I can cry about that thing that happened with Prince Player.

For two months I’ve been trying to get it out of my system. “Feeling is healing” I kept telling myself over and over again. But it appeared my heart was too numb with all the damage done to feel anything.

I get in my car as best as I could. I’ll assess the damage when I get home.

I think about the last 8 weeks. Just that morning, I made my cup of coffee and sat down. I was running late for work but I knew it was going to be a long day and wanted some peace before I went in.

“Seriously? After all that?? Why would he even fly all the way here? To use you?” my mentor asked when I told him the news 8 weeks ago.

I think about that. I think of all the people I had to tell that it didn’t work out. I think of how my 8 years worth of trying was a waste. I think of how I jinxed it. I literally told the few people I told I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t want to jinx it.

When I get home I prop my leg up on a pillow and put some frozen peas on my knee. My knee is swollen but it will be fine. We will see about my heart.

I stare at the ceiling. After 8 weeks of feeling nothing about this situation, I’m suddenly… mad. Usually I feel sad after breakups so this is weird. But I’m mad. I’m mad at player. How could he pretend like I don’t exist, after breaking my heart for the 100th time. Am I not a human being? It’s like we are strangers…

Did he ever even like me. Or did he just feel sorry for me.

My eyes widen. I shut it.

He did. He liked me. Even if it was just for 6 weeks, he did.

What a shame.

I turn off the lights. I know it’s for the best. After 8 years of the same thing, I shouldn’t have expected anything better this time around.

I’m a good person. I accepted him as he is. Forgave him. Loved him. And prayed for him even when he wasn’t mine. I did my best.

I remember what he said the first time he broke my heart 8 years ago. “Some day, you’ll make a guy very happy”.

Yes I will.

The next morning I get up, my knee is feeling better- and so is my heart. Feeling really is healing ain’t it.

xoxo. S.

Birthday Breakup (Part 2)

I walk into work exhausted the next day.

Loving Prince Player is like, trying to catch the rain. What am I supposed to do if nothing, not even I can make him happy.

“How’s it going with him?” I am rushing to a patient room but my associate Daniel believes in “walking and talking”.

“Oh. It’s over Daniel. I know it” I say flipping through my clipboard studying the patient’s chart.

Daniel walks faster to match my speed, “What? Come on Shaz. Breathe. No it isn’t!”

I turn the knob on my patient’s door and look at him “Oh yes it is. He’s calling me tonight to confirm it!”

Daniel sighs and shakes his head. “Call me if you need something”. I nod.

When I’m done with that patient I reach into my dress’s pocket for my travel size Bath & Body works lotion that makes me happy. I come up empty handed. What the heck happened to my lotion. I swear I-

Oh. I suddenly remember. I gave it to Prince Player when he left. To remember me 😦

I see my patients and do my job but I am so tired. I take a hot shower after I get home and text player asking if he’s feeling better.

He doesn’t text back, so a few hours later I’m about to FaceTime my other friend Sam when- player calls me. I text Sam, “hang on, I’m about to get dumped”. “Omg Shaz, are you sure you wanna chat tonight?” he messages back. I sigh.

I answer my phone. “Hey player” ugh I don’t sound happy I sound pissed. I don’t need to be, but I’m just feeling drained. With work, my own issues, and what player is about to do.

“Hey Shaz! How are you?” wow he sounds much happier the day before.

“Good” I say lieing.

“Good. Ok. I’m just gonna cut to the chase” he says.

Oh please. Please just do it. Rip off the bandaid.

“I don’t want this anymore” he says.

I roll my eyes all the way to the ceiling. No really?

He continues, “I know you didn’t want us to break up this way, and I wish I could do it in person. I really wanted to give this a try and make it work. But it’s not going to. I was optimistic about this working out, despite us being long distance. But I am not anymore, I see it as a challenge. I value being close physically with someone”

Yea who fucking doesn’t.

He continues again, “I know we discussed this and we talked about how in the future we can be in the same location, but it’s just not something I can think about right now. I should have known this would be a problem, but I really liked you and wanted to try”

I swallow.

He isn’t finished. Omg please finish I can’t bear to listen anymore. “We had something intense, and I appreciated it at the time. But I didn’t think about the logistics of all of this. It’s clear to me now that yea I wasn’t communicative with you when I got back here. But it was because of all this. I don’t know Shaz, um I’m willing to hear what you think.”

Jesus. Mary and Joseph. Finally. My turn

“Yea I mean it’s fine. I just want you to be happy” the words just flow out of my mouth, as if my heart was the one that was talking.

What the absolute hell Shaz. Really? Sometimes I amuse myself. He had this whole monologue, and I just said I wanted him to be happy.

Sigh.

“I want you to be happy too. Although I know this is probably not making you happy” he responds.

Yea no kidding.

“Shaz. I was so optimistic when we were talking and I saw you. But that feeling is gone now. I really appreciate everything you did for me. Thanks for hosting me, I had a good time. It’s really not easy to end things with someone that you went through so much with. And especially that weekend, we discussed some real shit and learned a lot of new things about each other. And yea it’s not easy but, I have to stop letting my emotions take control of me like I usually do- and think”

I stay silent.

“But yea I’m willing to talk more about this or stay on the line if you want to discuss this some more” he says.

Oh my god why is he still speaking.

“No it’s fine. I understand” I say.

Again I amuse myself.

“Thank you for understanding, I think it’s best if we don’t communicate anymore” he responds.

What the fuck is that all about. We are ex lovers ending on good terms not enemies.

“Uh. Well we don’t have to stop completely we can still support each other from afar and wish each other well” I say.

“Yea I wanna see you be successful, which you already are” he says.

Just. Be quiet.

And then he says bye.

And then I say bye. And he hangs up first. As usual.

I hold my phone to my chest.

I look at the calendar. Well that’s not really how I wanted to start the new year of my life.

But.

Something weird happens. Every time I want to be sad or upset about player over the last month- my heart and mind just stop me. And remind me each time, that I just want him to be happy. Even if it’s without me.

I’m glad we tried and that we did everything we could. For some reason, God wanted him in my life for 8 years. And maybe, that isn’t his place anymore- but he’ll forever be in my heart.

Birthday Breakup

“I’d just be…prepared. That’s when individuals with what Player is struggling with do it. Birthdays, Christmas, other major holidays” Don says.

I look at the Zoom screen. Therapist Don has been a big help to me over the past year.

I shrug. “He did break up with me on Valentine’s Day in college”.

Don’s jaw drops. I nod.

I see a call coming in. “Omg that’s him now!” I think quickly. I put my phone to the side.

“Let’s finish the session. We only have a few more minutes, I’ll call him back right after” I say.

“You’re doing the right thing Shaz. Supporting him and loving him. It’s all you can do right now.”

I nod. “Believe me, I am! I told player I would FREEZE TIME for him! I would do anything to make him feel better. Whenever I’m working and he texts- I text him right back! I put everyone on hold and prioritize him. I treat him as I do my mom, dad, or brother.”

Don laughs. “Oh Shaz. You are just. So loving. I gotta tell you, I was able to find love being my weird self so if I was able to- you can to. Even if it isn’t him. Because someone is worthy of your love”.

I frown.

“But hey, we aren’t there yet” Don says.

It had been a week and a half since I last saw player. We weren’t talking much, despite my efforts to reach out to him.

One of the days, player and I didn’t talk at all. That day, my ex reached out. Unreal.

“Are you seeing someone?” he asks.

“Why? Where’s your new girlfriend?” I ask.

“She is very toxic I broke up with her” he says.

I laugh.

“I wanted to see you. Maybe watch a movie or something” he says.

“Yea fuck you. I am seeing someone. And he is way better than you” I say.

“Ouch” he says. “I’m happy for you Shaz” he says.

I smile. I always waited for this day. Where karma would slap him in the face.

“So, who’s the guy? The lucky one” he asks.

I smile. I tell him a little bit about player and say my goodnight. I try player one more time before my eyes shut, no luck. Damn I’m really getting worried.

When I reach him a few days later, he tells me his moods are all over the place. He can’t explain it.

I feel it myself. The entire week after player left sucked. But I just knew it would be the reality of being long distance, at the same time our love was so strong I thought it could survive it.

Player had even said the day before, “I wanna see you again. Soon”.

God what changed.

When I hang up the call with my therapist, I call player back.

“Hello” he says.

“Hey player. I’m so sorry, I was talking to my therapist when you called” I say in my perkiest voice even though I’m exhausted.

“Oh..it’s fine. How are you?” he asks in a very off tone.

“I’m good! How are you?” I ask, again trying to sound as happy as possible and not nervous for what may come.

“Not good. I feel like nothing makes me happy” player says.

I ask player if he tried talking to someone or trying medicine again.

“Yea medications come with side effects” he says coldly.

My eyes widen on the other side of the line. Yea not like I never took medication for my mental health or anything. What the hell would I know right?

Breathe Shaz, I tell myself. He needs you right now.

I stay quiet. “Anyways, I don’t wanna talk about myself anymore. What’s going on with you?” his tone again is so cold it is almost making my mood-

Again. I remember where he is coming from. I bring my perky voice back.

I tell him about how I’m very busy with distributing vaccination and I’m gonna get mine soon too. He doesn’t say anything. Maybe I’ll try something interactive. Make him feel better.

“…also I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Like when I sit at my dining table I’ll look across and remember you there-” I say laughing trying to sound as happy as possible.

“Yea I don’t feel the same way” he says interrupting.

I think my heart literally skipped a beat.

If player could see my face right now.

Feels like someone punched me. In my nose. I don’t know how else to describe it.

I feel like I’m gonna vomit. “Uh. You know what player, why don’t you call me tomorrow? Doesn’t sound like you really want to talk tonight” I say.

Suddenly his tone lightens, but it’s a little too late. “Yea, sorry to open this can of worms on you…”

I feel myself going white. “Uh, yea. It’s fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye” I say.

Somehow he hangs up first.

I throw my phone on my bed and go to the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

When player said he thought about what our kids would look like, I imagined about my white dress. If it would be one of those mermaid ones or a ball gown- my two favorite styles. Would flatter my shape I thought. One that player loved.

When player and I were walking around shopping holding hands, I imagined doing it with him for the rest of my life.

When I fell asleep in players arms without evening knowing, I imagined how he’d always be able to hold me and take the pain away when I’m sad.

I look in the mirror.

I tried my best.

continued in Birthday Breakup: Part 2

xoxo. S.

Begin again, my reunion with “Prince Player” in the time of Corona (Part 5)

Monday morning my alarm goes off bright and early.

I shut it off. I turn over. I remember player staring back at me the morning before.

I shut my eyes. “Damn it”.

This was not going to be an easy day for me.

I have no appetite, I don’t even drink my morning coffee.

I put on a comfy sweater and dress pant leggings and drive to work. I love my job, but that day- I was not looking forward to it.

When I ‘m on the road “Happy Anywhere” plays.

“Fuck no”. I shut it off.

I drive quietly. When I get to the office, it is quiet.

I sit at my desk quietly and try to work on some projects before my next patient. My boss walks in.

“Hello! How was your weekend??”

“Fine..” I say. Thank goodness we are wearing masks because my smile is so fake.

“What’d you do?” she asks.

Oh god. Gee I don’t know. My lover of 8 years flew from LA and we spent the weekend together?

“Nothing really” I say almost choking on my own words.

“Awww. Well. I hiked and I saw my friends and I….” she is speaking but I am really not listening.

She goes back to her office and I sigh.

I get a call transferred from our receptionist. “It’s Daniel for you” she says. I sigh, it’s my associate.

“Put him through”

“HOW DID IT GO THIS WEEKEND?” he asks.

I have a gulp in my throat. “It was alright” I say.

“Oh no. I don’t like the sound of that” Daniel says.

“I’ll tell you eventually” I say.

“Ok.. Hang in there” Daniel says and goes into giving me updates for our clinic.

When we get off the phone I go to the private staff restroom.

I crack open a window.

Hold my head in my hands.

Here we go. The tears. I knew they would finally come out when I didn’t want them too.

I miss player so much. I wish our relationship wasn’t so complicated, although I know all relationships are in their own ways. I want player in my presence again.

I wipe the tears away, and go get coffee. I am still not hungry but I know I will faint during my 11 hour shift if I don’t drink or eat anything.

The coffee warms my soul and I somehow make it through the day.

Player and I catch up later and player says he was sad too.

Even though he isn’t next to me, I still feel his presence. Somehow. It’s strange.

As days go by, I feel his mood shifting. Sometimes he misses me, sometimes he doesn’t.

God I hope what I thought we were both feeling wasn’t my imagination 😦

Was this, what he was trying to warn me of?

xoxo. S.

Begin again, my reunion with “Prince Player” in the time of Corona (Part 4)

I wake up the next morning exhausted.

Player and I stayed up until 4 am, but, I fell asleep at 6 thinking too much.

Again, I don’t know what I am getting dolled up for but brush my teeth, comb my hair, and do my make up.

I climb back into my bed and wait for player to wake up.

“Morning” he says.

“Morning. How’d you sleep?” I ask.

“Good. You?” he asks.

“Shitty” I say.

“Because of what we discussed?” he asks.

I nod. “I’m going to Dunkin. What do you want?” I need to get the hell out of my home. I need to clear my head. I don’t know what to say to Player, I can’t-

“Can I go with you?” Player asks interrupting my thoughts.

“Yea” I say.

We get dressed and head out. Player takes my hand and holds it when we are outside.

I smile at him.

We turn on the radio in the car and Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani’s “Happy Anywhere” comes on. I look at player, he looks back and we laugh. I hated this song before my weekend with player.

Now it all makes sense and player and I can’t stop singing together.

“I’m running wide open. I was born with my feet in motion. But since I met you, I swear I could be happy anywhere. Any mapped out location. You’re always my destination. You’re the only thing I’m chained to. I could be happy anywhere. I could be happy anywhere with you” we are singing and laughing.

“Look player! I could be happy at the McDonald’s with you!” I say pointing to the McDonald’s.

He laughs and looks at me.

And I look at him.

And I sigh.

Because I know. What player and I discussed last night, wasn’t something player intentionally did to break my heart. Does what player did make him a bad person, knowing he too was not in the best emotional condition at the time? No. It doesn’t. Player was honest with me and admitted it was a mistake. Humans make mistakes. Am I perfect? No, I’m not. And goodness if I make a mistake while I’m not well, I hope player stands by me too.

I take one hand off the wheel and put it in his.

When we get back after our coffee run, player admits he is still in the same spot about his feelings towards me. While it breaks my heart, I know it’s breaking his more than mine, as he is tearing up. “I still want to enjoy the rest of this weekend with you” he says. I look at the clock. 3 more hours. I don’t even know what to say.

I sit next to him. I take out my hoop earrings one by one. “Think about it player. This is my last hurrah. If you want to leave me that’s fine, but don’t think you can just leave and come back like you did these 8 years.”

He asks why I like him. My jaw drops.

“3 things. Pepperoni, green peppers. black olives” I say.

He laughs. “That’s true” he says remembering how we like the same things.

“Player, we really like each other. We like the same things. We have common interests. We make each other happy. We go well together. You know this” I say.

He nods.

“Maybe we just need to be in our own space again. When you leave and I am here on my own and when you go home, we can reflect on our own and maybe it will be more clear to you. Right now we’ve been in the same place for 48 hours after not seeing each other for 2.5 years- space may do us good” I say.

He agrees. “I’m going to lie down” I say. God, the few hours of sleep I got is destroying me.

Player joins me, and somehow, I pass out in his arms. I wake up to him saying “We’re good together aren’t we”. I murmur, “Yea” like I haven’t said this for the past 48 hours. But I’m glad he said it.

Soon it is time for player to go. And he is holding me as we are saying our parting words. And all the tears that didn’t come out before, are now coming out.

“We will text. We will call each other. We will see each other again really soon. Just look how fast this time went” I say with a tear falling down my face.

“Hey, I’m the crier” player says wiping my tear and tearing up himself.

He kisses my forehead, “Thank you for a good weekend. I’ll remember it forever”.

“Text me. Every step” I say.

He nods and is out.

After he leaves my entire family, local & global decide it’s the perfect time to FaceTime me.

Black mascara and eyeliner all over my face. It is what it is. I’m exhausted and sad, but talking to them distracts me from what may have been the last time I saw “Prince Player”.

I get a text from player when he is in the Uber to the airport, “You amaze me. I feel so loved”.

I smile. That’s a good sign. Isn’t it?

Don’t miss what happens next! Coming soon: Begin again, my reunion with “Prince Player” in the time of Corona (Part 5)

xoxo. S.

Begin again, my reunion with “Prince Player” in the time of Corona (Part 3)

“I’m gonna shower and get started on breakfast” I tell player.

In the shower I hear player walking around. I smile to myself. I can’t believe he is actually here.

I change into the day’s outfit and do my makeup. Player has already seen me without it, but, I like getting dolled up for him.

I open the door and nearly jump. Player is standing right there.

“Oh! You look cute. I like your flannel!” player says staring at my cute Christmas Old Navy plaid shirt.

“Yea. You scared me” I say laughing.

“Oh sorry” he says laughing. “I’m gonna shower”.

I kiss him and begin cutting fruit.

When he is out of the shower I start on eggs and chocolate chip pancakes.

“Can I help with anything” player ask staring at me.

My mom just bought me a waffle maker and I have yet to try it out. I ask him to help with the waffles and he does. It’s cute. He makes the waffles while I make the pancakes.

“OWWW!” I cry.

“What???” he asks running to me.

I put my hand under cold water, “Darn”. My distracted butt burned my hand with butter while looking at player. How do you burn your hand with butter????

“Darn” player says teasing my southern accent.

I laugh. “Come here let me see” he says taking my hand where it is now red.

He kisses it ever so lightly. “Ow” I say. We laugh.

I make player a coffee, black- just the way he likes it and we sit down.

“Wow. This all looks great. You took this breakfast thing seriously babe” he says.

I shrug. “We do breakfast big in my family. Especially when we have guests”.

“These chocolate chip pancakes, wow. You have won the keys to my heart” he says.

I giggle while biting into his waffles, “It only took me 8 years”.

He laughs. His waffles are delicious too. I tell him. Our brunch is better than any restaurant’s.

Later we decide we will run some errands, just so I can show player part of where I grew up and so we are not inside all day. Shopping with player is fun. We hold hands and it is Christmas all around. Player and I were always aways from each other during December because our school closed from November-January. So it was nice to finally be with him during this time.

On the drive, Morgan Wallen’s song “More than my hometown” comes on.

“This song is so strange. He loves her more than everything, except his hometown!” I tell player. We laugh. It goes like this. Our favorite country songs play, we sing some, we laugh at some. I love it.

When we get home, we lay down for a bit. We are supposed to make sangrias, but we decide we’ll chill for a bit.

We are talking and laughing and I think now is a good time to ask him how he feels about us. Suddenly we aren’t laughing anymore.

Now, he is actually teary eyed.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I don’t like anything about myself, so I don’t know why you would Shaz” he says.

I feel like a dagger went through my heart. How could he even say that?

I wipe his eyes. “Come here” I say. I hold his face and look him in the eyes, “I like EVERYTHING about you. The bad, the good, the ugly!”

“There’s a lot of ugly” player says.

“Fine” I say.

Player says he still doesn’t know yet if we can move forward with our relationship, even though we’ve been having a great time. I sigh.

“Wanna make sangrias?” he asks smiling when he sees my sadness.

“No” I say crossing my arms.

We talk some more. And somehow, I have made player sad again. My god now we are both sad and I don’t want player to leave the next day like this.

So now it’s my turn. “Wanna make sangrias?” I ask.

He nods.

So I cut up some apples, mix in some cranberries, club soda, and wine.

“Ooo I can taste the wine!” player says. Because we couldn’t go out drinking, we decided we’d make drinks at home and this was one of them. We wanted to be sure we celebrated my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s 🙂

After dinner, we decide to watch a movie on Netflix. We don’t really end up watching it. All we know was there was a turkey named Mr. Gobbles in it! We are just so busy holding each other and talking and laughing we have no idea what the movie is about.

And then player tells me a story. Of something he did recently.

And it’s not funny.

I stare at him, stunned. How could he.

“It’s not like you and I were dating. I was well within my right” player says.

“Are you serious? I texted you during that time! I was sick and on bed rest player! And you weren’t responding so I thought something serious was wrong and you were doing that! It’s not even about that player. Those are all things out of my character! We are a team now…” I say sadly.

“It was out of my character too” player says.

I stare at him sadly.

“Fuck” player says getting teary eyed again.

“What?” I ask.

“I think I just lost my shot with you” he says.

I sigh. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if he has. All I want to do is cry. But I can’t. Because I am so used to everyone breaking my heart, especially Prince Player- that I am used to it 😦

“I’m an idiot” I say.

“Why?” player asks.

I sigh and look at him. Do I really need to answer that.

“I haven’t changed, have I?” he asks.

I stay silent.

“I’m gonna change into my pajamas” I say.

I put on a comfy pair and sit in my bathroom for a while. “Damn it!” I say under my breath. I try to cry. But I can’t. And it sucks.

I try to make myself understand player’s rationale but I don’t. At least not at that moment.

I open the door and lay back in bed with player. I turn off the lights and put my hands in my pajama pockets.

I am not touching him.

“Do you want to talk about it more?” he asks.

“Nope” I say staring at the ceiling. I heard enough.

“I need to pray” I say. “Can I listen?” player asks. I sigh.

I stare at the ceiling. “Lord why. I prayed to only bring me closer to player if he is right for me. And to push him away if he wasn’t. You brought me closer to him these 30 days. Why this obstacle now? What am I supposed to do with this information?”

“Yea” I hear player say from the other side.

I turn my face and look at him. Then back at the ceiling. “Amen” I say.

Player and I are silent for a few minutes. I think to myself some more. I know whatever comes out of my mouth won’t be right, and player is leaving the next day, so I hug him. We cuddle and go to sleep.

Don’t miss what happens next! Coming soon: Begin again, my reunion with “Prince Player” in the time of Corona (Part 4)

xoxo. S.

Begin again, my reunion with “Prince Player” in the time of Corona (Part 2)

I had been praying for a miracle.

When I was just dumped by my last boyfriend, got really sick, and got pulled into being on the frontlines of COVID-19- all I was praying for was a miracle.

Never did I think that miracle would be “Prince Player” coming back. It was the plot twist I didn’t see coming.

For one month we talk everyday. “Prince Player” texts me good morning every day and calls me every few days.

He calls me beautiful, powerful, smart, cute. He checks in on me. We exchange our favorite songs.

I pray one thing every night between our reunion and when we got to meet.

Lord only bring Prince Player close to me if he is right for me. If not, please push him away.

Every day our bond grew stronger and stronger.

I just couldn’t believe it. 8 years it took. To have “Prince Player” just where I want him.

“I like you” Prince Player says one day.

“Whoa, I only waited 8 years to hear that” I say.

“What? You never told me you liked me!” player says.

“Yes I did!! I told you like 3 different times. But you left me each time :(” I say.

“Well that was the past. We’re in the present now. And times are different” player says.

My jaw drops. Is this real life ❤

Despite my prayer to only bring “Prince Player” close to me if he is the right one for me, God pushes us closer and closer each day. We talk for an hour on the phone. We text each day. Sometimes I wonder if player feels it more than I do. Because I feel his love all around me, even though he is so far away.

“I want to see your life and be a part of it” he says when he books his flight tickets. My heart jumps.

Later Prince Player tells me he thinks a lot about me, and I told him I kind of stopped thinking about him after our last…fiasco.

“It’s ok you don’t think about me much anymore. But I’m going to change that” he says. ❤

And finally, the week comes. I plan our menu and think of things we can do.

I ask player if he likes pepperoni, green peppers, and olives thinking we’ll order a pizza after he lands. “OMG that is literally what I get on my pizza! How did you know?”

I laugh to myself. I think player and I are twin flames. We love all the same things. I think that is part of the reason we always got along.

On the day of, I can’t focus.

I wonder if “Prince Player” and I will have a good time.

I wonder if he will leave me without saying anything the way he did in Boston.

I wonder if things really are different now.

I know it’ll all be alright, but I’m excited and anxious.

When he lands, I stop working and start doing my touchups. I put some hairspray in my hair and adjust my makeup. I didn’t really go shopping for new clothes to wear from him because of well…corona. So I wear my best date outfit which is my maroon peplum top and jeggings.

When I see him, my heart stops.

I open the door to my apartment complex. “I’M COLD PLAYER!” I shout laughing.

“Wow, you’re not really wearing anything are you” he says. We are in hysterics.

We go up to my place, “don’t touch me!” I say. Player laughs.

We decide it’s a good idea for player to shower first…all things considering.

When we get back to my place, I remove my mask and stare at him.

“You can kiss me though” I say.

He removes his mask and kisses me. My world stops.

His lips are so soft and I feel like I’m a cloud and-

“Shaz do you have a towel” he asks.

I snap out of it. “Oh right yea”.

I grab him a towel and show him where all the guest toiletries are.

“Is this for your other male guests?” he asks laughing.

I burst out laughing. “Omg player no! It’s just stuff I collect from my travels that I keep out for guests silly”.

He laughs and I tell him to hurry up so I can hug him.

His shower is the fastest shower I have ever witnessed.

It’s probably only 3 minutes and the bathroom door doesn’t even shut when he comes out and hugs me. Hard.

“Hi” he says.

“Hi” I say.

We kiss again.

“The pizza will be here soon…” I say needing to separate so I can grab it.

“Ok” he lets me out of his grasp.

I look at my phone tracking the order “We have two minutes”.

He pulls me in my arms again. My nose touches his. We smile it each other.

“Ok. Now I go” I say going to get the pizza.

He lets me out and I grab it. We go to my dining table that I rarely eat on now and eat it.

“This is really good. Good choice on the pizza” player says.

I tell him it is my favorite. It’s from my favorite local restaurant.

Player and I catch up. We pick up just where we left off.

Soon it’s time to get ready for bed. I put on my pajamas and so does he.

We talk and he says something to me.

“Oh my god. So I am special to you” I say.

“You didn’t know that?” he asks.

My eyes well up. I kiss him and we turn of the lights to go to sleep.

“I can see your eyes, even in the dark” player says holding me. I can’t see his eyes, but I can see him smiling. I smile and snuggle into him.

In the middle of the night, I wake up randomly. And I see that player is awake too and we have separated from each other’s arms.

I look at him. He stares back at me. I go back into his arms. And we fall asleep again.

We wake up the next day.

“How’d you sleep?” I ask.

“Good!” player says. “Me too” I say smiling.

“I like when we cuddled in the middle of the night” player says.

Half asleep the night before, I didn’t even realize that happened.

It makes my heart fuzzy that player did.

xoxo. S.

Don’t miss what happens next! Coming soon: Begin again, my reunion with “Prince Player” in the time of Corona (Part 3)