Broken

in response to Daily Prompt 

I never thought I’d be broken again after that whole thing with “Prince Player”. And then after “H”. And then after “Scientist”. When things ended with my fiancee, I thought you’ve got to be kidding me.

Because, who. Gets. This. Broken?

It was hard losing both a fiancee and a job and coming back home.

The stares at holiday parties.

The nosy questions from relatives and neighbors. 

The endless job applications with multiple rounds of interviews only for rejections. 

Why? Who did I piss off? To be given this much pain?

“It will only make you stronger” they say.f95ba420213742298c05b87bffe3506a

I WAS ALREADY STRONG!! I want to shout.

“Time heals all wounds” they say.

No it doesn’t. It may seal my wound gradually, but that wound will always still be there I want to say.

“You’re still applying for jobs?” they ask.

How dare you I want to say.

But I don’t. Because of the others. The others who say:

“I’m praying for you”

“I believe in you”

“You are a strong person, but this is too much for one person to handle. And I am so sorry this happened to you”

“I am here if you need advice. Or just listen”

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to feel. Because only you know how bad it it is. And how bad it makes you feel”

“You are about to become something amazing. And I can’t wait to see”

You guys. Are my rocks. And because of you, I rise. And feel a little less broken every day.

-S.

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If you can top this bad Valentine’s Day story…

Erm well, you should just tell me what to do lol.

But this past Valentine’s Day was a strange strange strange Valentine’s Day. I used to think my worst Valentine’s Day was that very awkward college one with “Prince Player”.

But last week 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was in for a surprise. The day started out pretty good. I had two interviews the next day so I was preparing for them all day. Towards the end of the day, I log onto social media. Couples have posted cute pics of them with their significant others and it’s really lovely to see. But then I see a picture “Scientist” has posted with another girl!!! Kissing!! Now this would be fine, if he was not just messaging me this past Sunday and every other day about how much he misses me and can’t wait to be with me again 😦 So my gut was right, he has been seeing someone else this whole time.

Wow, I thought “Scientist” really was the one for me. Why…did this happen.

Then, I went to bake (you guys know I love baking and holidays are a good excuse to bake!)

My plan was to make a heart shaped cake. And it worked, but when it came down to it- the cake cracked! I text my friend a pic and say “Oh my god my heart broke on Valentine’s Day”.

*yes friends I still got a sense of humor when things go bad

“It’s ok! It’s just a tiny piece that’s broken Shaz, you can fix it!” my friend responds.

“Okay but what about my actual heart?” I respond back considering she also knew about the situation that happened earlier in the day. *yes I went there!

She bursts out laughing. “Too good Shaz. Too good” she responds.

I laugh too and I am able to fix it just fine and it is a very beautiful heart shaped cake. My family and I eat it and everyone loves it.

The next morning I wake up early for my interviews to make myself coffee, and see my cake. It was neatly covered with saran wrap the night before as I wanted to save the left overs but didn’t want to ruin the heart shape. When I remove the saran wrap I see things running… My eyes widen….ANTS!!!!! ANTS TOOK OVER MY HEART CAKE!!!

I quickly dispose of the cake and Clorox the heck out of the plate it was sitting in. Just my luck really.

As if things really really can’t get worse. I begin my first interview, and I legit have- 15 interviewers!!!!! Not just that…

“We see you have listed Spanish as one of your skills. So we have prepared some questions for you in Spanish” the hiring manager says.

Oh goody. The last time I spoke Spanish was when I graduated with accelerated credits but that was in high school!

But I answer the questions. And somehow, my Spanish comes out fluently and naturally and they said I did good.

But still. It is my 5th month without a job, and let’s see here, the third guy that broke my heart in the past year. I feel I am close to the finish line, but I can’t see it and I’m worried 😔

God help me. I hope all of you had a lovely Valentine’s Day! I promise I will write you your letters once things settle!

xoxo. S.

I’m Bringing Letters Back!

Dear reader,

About a year and a half ago, I did this thing where I wrote my readers letters. Read more about it here: A Letter to You!

It’s an idea I got from one of our dear bloggers friends (my blog brother) Paul. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed writing them. Now I want to do it again! Are you interested? Comment below! You could have been reading my blog for months, years, or this could be the very first post you are reading by me- I would still love to write you a letter! In your comment, let me know what I can write to you about. Example: When I first began doing this, a fellow blogger- Kaiya who was a new to WordPress at the time asked me to write about blogging tips. And I did! You can read it here A Letter to Kaiya

Other topics I excel in:

1.) Providing inspiration/motivation

2.) Food

3.) Humor

4.) Family

5.) Friends

6.) Relationships

7.) Making lists like this (I LOVE MAKING LISTS!)

If you are sitting there saying “Meh Shaz I don’t want a letter, I am a writer. I want to write YOU something.” Well be my guest! Literally! A while ago I hosted “The Shaz Show” on here where I had some of my readers guest blog and it was a lot of fun 🙂

Sooo, request your letter now! Or guest blog 😉

Can’t wait to hear from everybody! ❤

Update: I Will Be Writing Letters in This Order

1.) Chris

2.) Aaron

3.) Catherine

4.) Paul

5.) Whoever else wants a letter!

xoxo. S.

On Moving Forward

“You are a very beautiful lady, tell your husband he married up!” a gym member coming in tells me as I exit the gym.

Why thank you sir. I would have told my fiancee if we hadn’t broken up. And he probably would have mocked me if he heard that, because that’s just the way he was.

This was a rather strenuous week. Not one day did I miss my ex or regret leaving him. I don’t know if I should contribute it to mine and Scientist’s flirtatious texts over the weekend. My returning to the gym and getting back at it with my work out routine. Or everyone’s praying for me to get better.

Whatever it is, something happened this week. It started out over the weekend when I shared a joke with Scientist. He replied laughing and telling me he missed me. I blush and admit I miss him too. I think we are done with our conversation when he all of a sudden says…“I still think about how you looked that day”.

I nearly drop my phone out of my hands. He is talking about our little date in San Francisco, when I last saw him. How sweet. And so, we begin communicating again and I am happy.

Mid-week I go see my doctor for the usual blood test/check up. I’m not in a good mood because I hate needles, and as soon as I walk out the door- I get a call from who would have been my sister in law.

img_3133She is again calling, to see if I plan on going back to my ex. “You know. This isn’t nice. This relationship already caused a lot of sadness for me and my family, why should it continue? Please, I’m moving forward” I say in the most kindest tone possible but it comes out extremely emotional and I know she can practically hear the tears fall down my face.

“Ok Shaz, sorry. If you’re sad, feel free to hang up” she says. I roll my eyes and hang up.

I start my car and sigh. Later when I go get groceries with my mom, “Meant to Be” by Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line comes on. It came out in the summer when I was seeing my ex and it was my favorite song. As soon as I broke up with him however, it became the worst song on the planet. So when it came on in the car a few days ago, my mom looks at me and switches it off.

“No…it’s fine. It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore” I say.

My mom smiles a big smile. “Oh thank god! It’s a really good song!” she says.

I laugh. Yea it is. “I’m really proud of you” she says when the song ends.

I smile. I am proud of me too.

As my friend Sam said,“Just think. A year from now, what happened to you over the past few months will just be *something that happened a year ago*. And 10 years from now, it will just be *something that happened 10 years ago.* And none of it will really hurt anymore, at least not as much as it hurts right now”.  He’s right.

And as a dear reader our good friend Bryan from A Crack in the Pavement commented on one of my posts in response to the Dolly Parton quote “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain”, “But if you love storms you are my kind of person. They full of magic and surprises, a mystery around every curve. That’s my kind of rainbow.” How could I not have seen this before? Storms are really exciting. You never know what to expect and what usually follows it is extremely beautiful and calming.

xoxo. S.