Today I am writing to our friend Aaron at The Confusing Middle For everyone just tuning in, please read I’m Bringing Letters Back!
First, let me apologize that this letter took me a month to get out (I’m like brother Paul now hehe). In my defense, I haven’t been well. You know what’s been going on so I’ll save you the sob story. You are a counselor right? How does one get over such a bad time in their life, do tell when you get time.
Anyways, enough about me- more about you!
Aaron, you gave me the very…fun topic…of writing you a letter…about how to avoid being friendzoned! Hmm, well. I like a challenge, so I’ll bite!
However, for everyone reading this, I want to make clear I am one female in this entire planet so if you like my opinion- lovely, if not- sorry, please do stop by for the other letters and posts.
Okay so Aaron, I can’t really say there is a “way” or a “magic rule” per say. But I can tell you a personal story of how this lovely boy I was about to friendzone turned into a great lover of mine. And maybe, we can apply it into your case.
Towards the end of grad school, after the fall out with “Prince Player” and *ahem* prior to meeting my ex-fiancee, I went on a lovely date with “Scientist”.
As I mentioned in previous posts, “Scientist” was lovely. We had nachos and drinks and I had a pleasant time talking to him about our research, grad school stories, family and our hobbies. But sitting with him, I just couldn’t help but feel that…he wasn’t really my type.
But he thought differently. After our date he offered to walk me home, and I said “no it’s okay” but he insisted AND he kissed me on my cheek.
Oh my gosh now I was really sad. I only liked him as a friend and it was clear he liked me as something more. 15 minutes later when he got to his own place, he sent me a text about how great of a time he had with me. GAHHHHH. Again I felt bad, because he was such a sweet boy and I didn’t know if I liked him in more of a “friends” way.
Ok so I text him back thanking him for a great night and I’m thinking it’s the last text I’ll ever send him. But no, I wake up- and I’m feeling good. I am feeling…happy. I hadn’t been feeling good before my date with “Scientist” and suddenly I did. I shrug, must have just been nice to go out the night before- no big deal.
But the next day, I am on the train, when I get a text from “Scientist”.
“Hey you, good luck dress shopping today!”
My jaw dropped. He remembered. On our date I was telling him how I was going dress shopping over the weekend as I needed FOUR dresses for the various graduation festivities I was attending in the coming weeks.
I was so flattered that he remembered. I continued conversing with him and how hard it was to find a dress, I ended up texting him pictures of the dresses I was trying on and he was giving me feedback. It was fun. But still, did I like him in a “more than friends” way?
Ah. So that was Friday. On that Sunday it was a brutally rainy day in Boston. I was inside doing homework…when around dinner time I get a text from him.
We talked about how cold, rainy, and disgusting the weather is outside. And he, I quote said, “it is the perfect whether to snuggle with someone”. My jaw dropped. “What are you saying? You want to snuggle with me??” I asked.
“I would love to” he said.
Well damn. Ok no point in saying “no”. I was kind of interested in him romantically, kind of not interested in him romantically so maybe this would tell me what it was.
So he came by and everything was great. And then he kissed me. Oh no! I wasn’t ready for that… And I told him. I need space, and I just wanted to be friends.
And he respected that, and left.
The next morning I woke up, and again I had this “happy” feeling. Like my heart was dancing. I couldn’t figure out why. Until…well…a few days later, when I didn’t receive a text from “Scientist” like I usually did- I knew it was “Scientist” making my heart happy all along. I liked Scientist a lot, and I was deeply missing him. And I knew, I wanted to be more than friends with him. So yea you know how the rest of the story fold. We continued seeing each other, stopped when I left Boston but continued talking with each other, started talking to him again and saw him after things ended with my ex-fiancee, and then Scientist started seeing someone else :0
Ok so what am I trying to say here Aaron? Let me pull out the things Scientist did right in making my feelings turn from I like him as a friend, to I like him romantically.
- He followed up after our first date as soon as he got home- This showed me he had a great time with me and was potentially interested in me.
- He remembered something I mentioned on our date, and used it to strike up a conversation with me after our date- This showed me he really cares about the things going on in my life and is a great listener.
- He made a move- This is risky. You need to assess where you are in your relationship with your partner before you do this. With me and “Scientist” I did agree, we would “snuggle” therefore it was fine.
- He stopped when I was uncomfortable with the move- This showed me he respects my feelings and it’s ok if I don’t like him as much as he likes me.
- He gave me space- I think this was the most powerful thing “Scientist” did. He didn’t push his feelings toward me when I suggested we stay “friends”, he respected it and gave me space. In the end, this is what made me come back. Space made me realize how much I wanted him in my life.
I tell you Aaron, boys that did not do some of these things were downright friendzoned or never contacted again (particularly # 4 and # 5). The most important thing in any type of relationship you try to pursue is respect. With respect, everything that is meant to be will follow.
I hope these helped Aaron! Like I said, I am only one female on this planet and I speak from my personal experiences. Female readers, do feel free to comment if you have tips for Aaron!
And Aaron, thanks for giving me this interesting challenge and allowing me to to write you this letter.
Until next time,