Where have I been?

I think my body has a blog clock- when I haven’t written in a month, it tells me I need to write. Just kidding. Actually, today, my good blogger friend Paul reminded me! He said, “Shaz! Where ya been? Hope you’re well!”

So here I am!

Where have I been?

I moped a bit. I have never felt SO happy after a break up. I guess “K” was really bringing me down that when I finally broke up with him, it was nice to not wait for someone or have my feelings hurt all the time!

But I moped for a second that “Prince Player” and I never worked out. I moped for a few minutes that I really adore the dentist that smiles at me every-time I pass him in the halls but I don’t have the courage to talk to him because he’s all over google and is better than me. I moped for a few days that the doctor from Harvard asked me out but I said no because, well, just because.

I moped that I’m growing up and I realize I have to figure out what I want instead of having all of these “temporary” relationships.

I went home for Spring Break. Ah, Texas was nice. One of my childhood friends got married and I got to wear a cute dress and go to his wedding. My whole family came with and we had a fun time. Unfortunately, because I had midterms the next week, I didn’t have too much fun outside of the wedding because I was studying :0

I had midterms. Please pray I did well on that one class I told you guys I had to retake. It’s not easy doing this at a grad-school level.

I’ve been working on a major research project. I am working on a research project developing an intervention to stop sexual assault and intimate partner violence in teens. Most of you know how I feel about this topic and I am so honored to be working with an amazing Professor and doing what I love.

I’ve been giving myself time to rest. I found out my Vitamin B-12 and D are low again! It’s making me very tired and achy.

I’ve been working. It’s recruitment season, and there’s no busier time than that for an ambassador.

I’ve been looking for an internship. Because I want to be prepared for the real world.

So that’s where I have been πŸ™‚ I miss you all. Really.

xoxo. S.

Don’t Play With Him

After the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, confirming my class schedule and taking classes I love, things were going really well. I fall in love with Boston more and more everyday. I love my school so much. And I have interviews for 2 different internships!

I’ve been busy lately because on top of 5 classes, I’ve been getting certified in Mental Health First Aid (I GOT CERTIFIED YESTERDAY!!)

3 of my good friends from last semester are in the class with me so they made these early Saturday mornings bearable. We talked about the topic of Valentine’s Day.

My Valentine’s Day was okay. “K” was busy as usual. He didn’t wish me until I wished him. He said we would go out on Friday and have a belated celebration.

Friday night came, and he was busy again. He said he could stay for an hour so he brought me pizza and wine. It was nice, but I wanted more.

“You look amazing, your trainer has been working you hard!” he says grabbing my waist.

I pull away. “Yea. You’ll think things like that when you haven’t come to see me in a month” I say walking away.

The last time K was over, we had an argument because K was uncomfortable I had a personal trainer.

“Oh what if I had a personal trainer that was a girl?” K asked.

“I would be happy that you were doing something good for your body!” I said.

K rolled his eyes and I was upset at how quickly he became jealous.

But back to Friday, K says how he is always busy with his business and family. And that as soon as my certification class ends on Saturday, we will spend the whole day together. And actually go out to a nice restaurant like the one he took me to for my birthday.

I was excited. So my friends revealed they didn’t do anything special for Valentine’s day and asked me what I did. I explained how K was busy and how he’ll take me out as soon as our class ends.

“OOOO get it girl!” they said.

I looked down and tried to smile.

“Why don’t you look happy?” my friend Cristal asked.

“I don’t know. He’s so…flaky. He rarely keeps his promises. And he gets very jealous” I say.

“No. Don’t fuck with him” my other friend Melanie says instantly.

I laugh.

“What she means is, stop talking to him Shaz. You deserve better. We go to a school of dentists and doctors that stare at you constantly” Cristal says.

I sigh. “I know, I know. I’ll make my decision tonight depending on what he does”.

They shrug.

After the class, I text him. He says he may get held up.

I swallow. For some reason, I already know he won’t be coming so I don’t even shower. I nap and when I wake up, there are no texts from him.

I text him multiple times and see he’s read them, but no response.

Unbelievable. He doesn’t even say “sorry, I can’t make it”.

I go to sleep. Expecting something in the morning.

But nothing. I text him asking him to explain what happened last night. Maybe after a good night’s rest he will say sorry and that he can make up for it today.

But not. He says, “I told you I would get held up”.

I ask him if he plans to see me anytime soon. “Hopefully, when work slows down yea” he says.

What. the. absolute. fuck? My jaw drops. I feel sick. This is like “Prince Player” all over again.

I can’t do it anymore. That’s it. I’m done.

I remember what Melanie said, “Don’t fuck with him”.

For the first time. I do something I have never had the guts to do with a flaky guy.

stars“You know what. I can’t do this anymore. I’m loyal, I’m beautiful, and I’m smart. I deserve someone that will cherish that. Not someone that will make me beg and wait for his attention.”

I press send. He reads it. AND DOES NOT RESPOND.

And so there it was. I take it as a sign from God.

I delete him from Snapchat. I delete him from Facebook. I delete him from WhatsApp.

There goes the longest serious relationship I ever had.

Boy bye. My mom was right. I am too good for you.

xoxo. S.

Self-Care Tips for the Lonely, Busy, and Anxious

It’s really hard to find time to de-stress when you are a busy, lonely, and anxious individual (hence the title of this post).

You all know I’m busy. From being a full-time graduate student taking 5 classes, working out 4x a week, and being an ambassador for the school…um…I pray things don’t get busier.

Unfortunately, when you leave college (and you move), you kind of lose your friends :0 You become too busy to socialize. I know this is sad. If you all end up working in the same city, this likely will not happen to you. But I, out of all my friends, was the only one to leave. Therefore, I am alone.

And ah. Anxiety. I’m anxious about my classes. I’m anxious about my boyfriend. I’m anxious about money. I’m anxious about my weight.

So, I present to you my list! A special exclusive list I ONLY made for people who are busy, alone, or anxious.

1.) Take a shower- I’m serious. Sometimes, if you get major anxiety, you can be in bed for so long that you forget this. But do it. It’s an instant pick-me up. And you’ll feel all fresh πŸ™‚

2.) Drink lots of water- This is especially important if you cried.

3.) Write it out- Sometimes, I make a list of what’s bothering me. And then I check it a week later, and I’m like- “No way. I was worried about that???” and smile that I overcame it.

4.) Exercise- This is one of those things you MUST make time for. If you have health, you have everything. So take a simple 30 minutes or so and get active.

5.) Talk it out- A friend, a family member, a mentor- it helps to get a second opinion.

6.) Take a walk outside- How does that old saying go? You need to “stop and smell the roses”? It’s true. Get some fresh air!

7.) Say “no”- So this is why I felt very depressed during undergrad. I ALWAYS SAID YES. When I suffered burn-out and couldn’t get out of bed one day, I learned the horrible horrible horrible side effects of being nice. Once I started saying “no”, I was surprised with how much less I had to deal with and how much more things I got to do for myself.

8.) Say “yes”- Okay and now I have contradicted myself. But in this case, I mean say “yes” to new things. If a friend wants to go to a concert, new restaurant, a game but you normally don’t like to be around too many people- go and check it out. You never know. You may have had a great time and made new friends.

selfAnd lastly, unattach yourself from social media until you feel better (YES I MEAN SNAPCHAT TOO). This is a silent killer. And I learned this the hard way. Absolutely NOTHING more important than you has happened while you were taking a break, and if it did- you’ll see it on the news.

What are your favorite self-care tips for when you just don’t have the time or energy? Comment below!

And if you are in the U.S (or you love football)- Happy Super Bowl Weekend! What an honor for me to finally be a Boston resident as the Patriots play πŸ™‚ Whatever I do tomorrow as part of celebrating the Super Bowl…will be included in my self-care hahaha. ❀

xoxo. S.

Personally

So after crying all of the weekend of my first week of my second semester at grad school (that was a run on sentence), I decided something had to change. There are things that are normal, and things that are not. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed during the first week of classes. It is not normal however, to let the overwhelming affects spew into the lives of your significant other and family.

So I asked myself what was wrong. I only started feeling the way I did during my “Mental Health” class. They were talking about anxiety, depression, and being medicated and I felt-

AHA! Bingo! So that was the culprit! That one class was what was making me feel the way I did. I had taken that class because I needed an elective, and I loved the Professor.

However, that class wasn’t for me. I e-mailed my advisor right away. I was nervous. In undergrad, it was so easy to drop classes and replace them. You could do it by yourself in less than a minute on your computer.

Grad-school, it’s different. You need the approval of your advisor, your registrar, your professor, and more people.

So I was nervous.

But at last, when the meeting with the advisor and registrar came, they were very nice about it!

“It’s understandable. That class does cover some heavy topics”.

“So what should I tell my professor?”

“Just tell her what you told us. It is your money and your education- you deserve to do whatever you like. Especially since this class is not required. In fact, we can call her if you’d like”.

Wow, that was nice of them. But this professor was so nice to me, the least I could do is tell her myself.

So I walked on over to her office, and I did.

“I love you. And I love mental health. But right now, when I’m on Academic Warning- I don’t think I should be in a class that makes me so uncomfortable” I said.

Although she was a teensy bit offended, she was also very understanding.

Phew. I replaced the class with a class called “Preventing Domestic Violence”.

“Are you sure you want to do that one? That class also covers some pretty heavy topics” my advisor says.

“I think I’m ready for this one” I said.

And so I went to that class, and I LOVED it! I’m thinking about switching my concentration in Mental Health to Women and Children’s Health.

My advisor was very happy to hear it and made all the corrections to my schedule.

Also the TA from that class, adores me!

I was standing at an event all by myself. And I spotted her, and tried to hide, but she came up to me and said- “Hey! You’re Shahz right?”

“Yes” I said quietly.

“OH MY GOD! You’re my student! Come and meet all my friends!” she introduced me to all her friends.

I started talking to her about class and she said, “Enough about that. Let’s be friends in real life!” and added me on Facebook :0

Wow. Thank GOD I followed my gut and switched classes. I love the topic, Professor, and TA.

Although the rest of my classes are challenging, it’s not anywhere near as uncomfortable as the Mental Health one and I believe in myself.

“K” was pretty off during the week, I didn’t get to see him, but we’re both busy.

InΒ  politics, things have been crazy because Trump signed an order banning refugees from 7 countries. As someone who has worked with refugees and as the daughter of two immigrants, I’m hurt.

Everything this past week, just got so personal.

xoxo. S.

What do all my readers do?

I’m back at school and the first week of school blahs have kicked in.

Why did I move to Boston?

Why did I choose to go to grad-school?

Why did I decide to take this class?

The person that got to deal with it is my significant other.

I cried as soon as I saw him.

“Oh come on. It’s only been a few days since I last saw you” he says hugging me.

True. He did come see me as soon as I landed a few days ago and that was perfect. One of our best interactions I would say. Which is exactly why my tears have nothing to do with him.

“It’s not you!” I say crying.

“What is it then?” he asks.

I stay quiet for what seems like an eternity.

“I don’t like it here” I say quietly staring out my window.

He raises his eyebrows. “You don’t like Boston?” he asks surprisingly. “I thought you loved it. That’s why you moved here”

“I do. But like. I was this big deal in Chicago. Everyone knew who I was. And now. I am a nobody” I say sadly.

He sighs. “Did someone piss you off?” he asks.

“No” I say laughing.

“Then why are you suddenly feeling like this?”

“I’ve felt this way for a long time. I tried to tell you!”

He hugs me. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch it before. Next time, you need to stop me and tell me you really need to talk”.

I smile. “Okay”.

sometimes-you-just-have-to-give-yourself-the-pep-talk-3023443“As for the situation. It happens Shahz. When you want to be successful, you need to move to new places and you need to meet new people and you need to do new things. It’s a big part of growing up. You are already amazing, but you know you’re here, and you’re trying to do big things and in like a year and a half- you’ll have a Master’s. And then if it’s still bad, you can decide where to go next”.

I rest my head on his shoulder.

And it got me thinking.

I don’t know what some of my readers do. Like what do you do for a living? Do you work? What do you do? Are you still in school? What do you study?

Comment below!

I think my reader demographics are important πŸ™‚

xoxo. S.

Cup of Tea

On New Year’s Eve, I sent all my good friends a message about how they made me smile over the year. “Prince Player” did not respond. But “K” did.

“I’m glad. A girl like you should smile every day, every year.”

❀

It was sad that “Prince Player” and I haven’t talked in a long time. But a few days later. I understood why.

My phone buzzes in the morning. The first message is from player. “OMG” it says.

Next message is from my advisor.

Next one is from an interviewer I really wanted a job from.

All important. I decided to go with “Prince Player’s” first. I know what the other two are anyway. I respond “What lol?”

For him to say “OMG”. After a long time without talking to me. And early in the morning. Something must be up.

I feel adrenaline in me. What could it be? I close my eyes and imagine possible scenarios.

OMG. I found really cheap tickets to Boston and I’m going to come visit you!

OMG. I had the craziest dream about you!

OMG. I’ve been missing you lately and-

My third scenario is interrupted by his next message. I quickly side to see the message.

I exhale. It was something about his new girlfriend. Of course.

I respond. He doesn’t. Oh well.

I look at the message from my advisor. “Your GPA has fallen below 3.0….”

I close my eyes. I want to cry. I never thought grad school would be so tough.

The next one is from the interviewer. “We regret to inform you…”

Lovely.

Usually when “Prince Player” doesn’t respond, I’ll send a follow up- but this time, I just couldn’t. Too much was happening.

Before I went too crazy, I see a video-call from “K” coming in. I message him and tell him I can’t talk at the moment.

“It’s okay. I was just missing you. Come back already” he responds.

I laugh. I guess that’s good.

I close my eyes. I think about everything going on. And everything that’s happened.

I call Mr. Photography dude. I’ve been neglecting all my friends since grad school sadly. We catch up on our love lives, school, and work.

“What have I always told you Shahz?” he asks.

“That I deserve better?”

“Yes but that’s not what I’m thinking of. But you did get that! “K” treats you like a queen!” he says.

I laugh. “But my mom doesn’t like him. She likes “Prince Player” better.”

q8t4pfo“Yea we’ll work on her later. Pray on it. You’ve been with guys she doesn’t like before. But that’s not what I said. I said. You are not everyone’s cup of tea.”

I laugh.

“Stop laughing. I’m being serious. You. You glow, you spread joy, you do all these things. And so many people love you. But there are some people in this world, that just won’t love you as much as you love them. You are not everyone’s cup of tea, and that is fine. Because for every person that does not love you like that, there will be someone that loves you so fiercely”.

“Like K?” I ask.

“A guy that takes you out. Texts you ‘good morning princess’. Calls you to check up on you. Randomly compliments you and hugs you? YES! My point exactly. And you need to stop talking to these other lovers from the past and focus on him!”

I sigh.

“And that’s my last pep-talk for you. If I ever hear player’s name again while you’re seeing ‘K’. I swear Shahz-”

I laugh “Okay okay. I just. Reminisce. That’s all”.

“Remember the other thing I said? If it was meant to happen, it would have” he says.

I sigh. “So I was meant to fall below a 3.0 GPA this semester?”

“Yes” he says. “You clearly didn’t understand what you learned in some classes. Retake them. Learn them better. And you know, you’ll get the grades you deserve. Some people require longer time to learn things, and uh…that’s you. And that’s fine. It happened to you multiple times in undergrad, and you survived!” he says.

“And what about that job?”

He laughs. “Oh my god. We’ve b13226644_823252927810545_3312947443035976878_neen through this many times before too! Somehow, you get rejected to the most jobs, and you keep trying and you get the best job out of all of us! So just keep applying to other ones. Something will come around.”

I smile sadly.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too” he says. “Things aren’t the same here. But do what you gotta do in Boston. You always wanted this. And you never quit. So don’t start now!”

I really hope Boston becomes my cup of tea.

I really hope I become all my Professor’s cup of tea.

I really hope I become employers cup of tea.

The analogy is really making me want some tea before I go back to school tomorrow :0

xoxo. S.

My 23rd birthday, finals, and then some

For as long as I have been alive, I rarely had school on my birthday. And never have I ever had a final on my birthday. Falling only a few days before Christmas, it was never a possibility. Well. Until now. Hooray grad school!

On my 23rd birthday I had my hardest final. Epidemiology and Biostatistics. And the day after that, I had my second hardest…Law :0

At least thinks between me and “K” were good. Since our last fiasco, “K” really improved. He began texting everyday, even if it was just to say “Good morning beautiful”. I would wake up happy. So I was able to concentrate on everything again.

I spent all weekend reviewing for the finals. And then, Monday came. It didn’t even feel like a birthday.

Bright and early in the morning, I got a lovely text. From “K” ❀

“Happy birthday beautiful. Kill that exam. You’re so special I could write a whole paragraph. But why do that when I can say it all to you? Reservations tomorrow at (insert one of the best restaurant in Boston!) 9:00. I’ll pick you up. See you then.”

I smile and get out of bed. Other friends begin to text nice wishes. I get dressed and run to Starbucks. While at Starbucks, it’s “Prince Player’s” turn. He says happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here to celebrate with me. Aw.

My classmates wish me as well. One of them even texted “For your birthday I got you cold weather and one of the toughest finals! No take-backs”. Oh I loved the sympathy ❀

I grab my coffee and turn my phone off. It was time to use the last two hours I had before the exam to study! When it’s time to head out, I do a quick prayer and make it a wish to pass this class.

An hour later, I begin the exam- and I know shit. Absolutely nada. Oh. My. God. Whatever I studied, was definitely not on there! Oh no. I tried my best and after 3 hours, I was done.

So I commute back home and grab Qdoba and a chocolate cake. Hey, “K” was taking me out the next day anyway so I could celebrate for reals then. I quickly eat and begin to study for my next exam. Law. My second hardest. I study and study and around midnight I decide it’s time to call it a day.

When I arrive at the testing center, I continue to go through my flashcards. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But I go in, and holy moly. I KNOW EVERYTHING! I finished it in one hour!

Phew. At least that made me feel better. And at last, it was finally time to celebrate my birthday!

First, I decide to take a quick nap since the exam was so early in the morning. Then I shower and do my nails. “K” tells me he’s on his way. Good. I put on my dress and heels. An hour later, he arrives.

He smiles at me. “Happy birthday, you look beautiful”.

“Thanks” I say holding his hands in mine.

In the car he plays a beautiful song. I look at him and smile.

It’s “Happy Birthday” by Kygo and John Legend.

“Beautiful, beautiful, no other name
I knew from the moment you came
I’ve seen in your eyes the dawn of a day
Where nothing will ever be the same”

“Ooh, I wanna dance with you
Ooh, I’ll promise to stand for you
I’ll do anything for you
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Tonight, my love all I want
I wanna sing for you
Yeah, I’ll sing for you
Happy birthday, baby
Happy birthday to you”

We have always bonded over music. And he always chooses the right song. I lean back into my seat and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. My first birthday where I’m not single.

We arrive at the restaurant and it is very fancy. There are ceiling to floor glass windows with a view of the skyline, and the hostess knows exactly where to take us when “K” says his name.

Oooo. Wow.

We sit down and “K” orders us the wine we had on our first date. He lets me order filet minion and it is delicious.

15894868_971331169669386_1582989894823656681_nI love it. And I like him so much. But my stomach churns. I start thinking a million thoughts. I’m sad to leave him for a month. I’m going to get a lot of crap about this from my Mom when I go home. And why am I thinking about “Prince Player”? I wish I was sitting in a restaurant like this with “Prince Player”. My eyes widen when I realize I just though that.

“You okay?” “K” asks.

I snap out of it. I hold his hand, “Yea this view is just amazing baby.”

He nods. And we are ready for the check. I peak at it. Holy moly. It’s over a $100!! Jesus. This one must really like me.

We head out and reach my place. Everything is great and lovely, and after an hour, “K” has to leave. When “K” clearly told me that on my birthday, he would stay with me for a while.

It must have been something I did or said.

“What’s your deal?” I ask.

“What’s your deal?” he asks.

I go over to him.

He says something that I don’t like him mentioning. I look down. Of course. That’s why he’s leaving so soon. He’s upset.

But he hugs me. And says bye.

I’m so confused.

No wonder why I never had a boyfriend during my birthday, I didn’t want them to ruin it!!

How can we leave each other like this? Winter break was going to be weird.

But at last, after a week and a half of ignoring each other. I finally spoke to him. And we had another disagreement. Although, we told each other we would take some time to ourselves to think about our relationship and hopefully reconcile when we see each other in person again, we continued texting each other and things have been better.

Which is good because things were about to get really ugly.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

4 Years of Blogging Bliss

Well if I don’t blog on my blogiversary, that just makes me terrible. So hello reader! I am back (and a little fashionably late) for my own party! Sorry, sorry reader. Paul, you must have eaten all the pizza by now, I don’t blame you. Aaron are you still awake? I see there are still balloons on the floor.

untitledIn all seriousness.

Oh. My. God. Reader. We made it! 4 years of blogging!!!

Do you believe this?

I created this blog in my small town suburban home in Illinois during my Christmas break my freshman year of college. I wrote under the name “SassPrincess”.Raise your hand if you read my stuff back then.

I wrote a post and deleted it. I wrote another post and deleted it. And then finally, when I was back from Christmas break and at school on January 4th, I wrote a post- and kept it.

Fuck it I thought. I’ve been holding in my great writing long enough, and no one was going to stop me.

People tried.

My roommate asked me whether I wrote something like “Getting heartbroken on Valentine’s day”. I did. I most certainly did. And it made me sad.

My best friend asked me why I couldn’t just write a diary. I could have. I really could have. But I was so talented, that I was sad he would even ask that.

A random kid in my dorm said I need to change the layout and “ugly pink” theme of this blog. Took my laptop and did it for me. I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I was sad he would change something that made me so happy to look at.

“Friends” I mentioned this blog to just to get some readers used the information I wrote on here against me. Oy ve. My mistake. Never did that again.

But they all failed.

I didn’t care what my roommate or others said about my posts. Because for each person that made fun of a past, there were at least 10 other people in this world that I knew connected with my post.

I didn’t care that my best friend told me to write a diary. I wrote a diary before. What did it do? Absolutely nothing! But writing this blog? Writing this blog inspired many people, and myself.

I didn’t care the random kid in my dorm changed my “ugly pink” theme. I snatched my laptop right back and changed it to my favorite pink them that still exists today. Many readers know me for this cute theme! And last time I checked, his blog has 400 followers. Mine has, 612. Yea, so take that ya meenie.

I didn’t care that “friends” used my personal stories against me. This is a public blog, and I did try to advertise for it, and those are consequences. Luckily, I have moved to a new city, and started a new life- where no one really knows me, so all is amazing!

Who knew? That 4 years later… I could be where I am right now πŸ™‚

It took one hell of a lot of tenacity, hard-work, and perseverance.

I thought I was busy back then. Eep. Why didn’t someone pinch me back then? Back then I would blog once day. Now, I’m lucky if I can blog once a month!

I’m grateful to have readers that are so understanding, patient,and don’t unfollow me when I can’t write for a while.

In fact, you all love me so much, that my statistics page tells me that *drum roll please* 74,144 views and 47,383 visitors! That means, almost 12,000 of you stopped by each year!! So that means 1,000 of you per month!

Holy moly. That means. I was on stage, on tour, for 3 days a month. And 333 came to each show? Oh my gosh the room must have been so full!

Yes. I love performing at my sold out shows. According to these calculations, I performed, 144 sold out shows!

Wow. All thanks to you reader ❀

I promise to update you on how my first semester of grad school went and my first ever romantic birthday (I know right, Shaz is growing up).

I will also read all of your blogs tonight and send some love because, I love you ❀

xoxo. S.

Grad School is Hard (Getting ready for finals, birthday, and Christmas)

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I decided grad school was the best option for me. I think I was thinking “Hey! I love school! And I want to continue to learn!” What I didn’t think about was how much more work it would require than all my educational experiences.

Last week was hard on account of moving on from “K” (or so I thought). I had been talking to “Prince Player” a lot lately, and because of the break or whatever between me and “K”, I didn’t see a harm in talking with him romantically. We agreed to FaceTime.

So after night class, I got my iPad. I press call and I hear his voice.

“Hello?” I laugh.

I could hear “Prince Player” smiling. “Oh my god hi!!!!” It’s my first time seeing him in months.

We both laugh. We quickly update each other about our lives. I tell him about all my love mishaps in Boston.

I see his face tense.

“Look. You told me that I should see new people in Boston”.

He nods. “I did”.

I shrug. And then he begins telling me about his own love life.

“So you know. I’m about to say something, and it’s not good for you. Since you left, I have changed. I don’t flirt with many girls anymore. And I am interested in this girl…and you know, I would like to be with her. So you and I can’t talk the way we do anymore…”

I feel a gulp in my throat.

I smile. “Oh yea. Of course! That’s great” I choke out.

“What?” he asks picking up to whatever I’m feeling.

“Nothing. Yea it’s cool. I mean. We were meant to have this conversation one day. I met someone, and you did too. It’s cool”.

“Yea…I feel like you’re upset about something though” he says.

I swallow.

“I just thought…that girl…that you decided to be with…would be me. We have so much tumblr_l0int0poda1qzus4no1_500history. And I kept waiting for this day that you changed-” I say sadly.

He nods. “Yea. But you left.”

I smile to myself. Because I know the truth. And it hurts me. “Well the thing is. I know that even if I was there, you still wouldn’t be with me…” I shrug.

img_4450“I won’t deny that” he says.

I smile my fake-smile. It is what it is.

“But hey I’d still like to talk to you about sports and catch up time to time!” he says laughing.

I laugh my biggest fake laugh. “Yea, me too!”

He says he has to go, and I know I do too. We say our goodbyes. I close my iPad.

Oh no. How could I ever think. That. I. Would ever be. His.

My iPad starts ringing. It’s Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick.

“What the fuck! You told us you would call us after your FaceTime date with Prince Player!” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Sorry. That didn’t go the way I expected” I say.

“Did he meet someone?” he asks.

I sigh. “Not necessarily. But. something like that.”

“What the hell were you thinking Shaz? Did you think that hey, you would dump “K” and start talking to “Prince Player” again?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Hm. Did I?

“OKAY NO! NO I DID NOT! And from what I understand. I don’t think “K” thinks we’re over” I say.

“Oh no. Don’t go back to him please” Sidekick says.

“There is no going back. We’re just taking a break” I say.

They roll their eyes. We talk about how school has been going for me, and how work has been going for them.

“Work is hard to. I don’t have time for anything else besides it” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Yea. But you get paid! I lose money!” I say laughing.

They agree.

The next day I go to class and bump into my pediatrician friend, Yazan.

“You need to help me. I have cramps!” I tell him.

“Oh Shaz. Hello to you too. Is it the monthly thing or something else?” he asks looking at patient charts.

“The monthly thing” I whisper.

He laughs. “Get outta here Shaz. I’m a pediatrician. I do not work with that stuff”.

“Actually you do Dr. Yazan. Girls can see their pediatricians until they are 18 and most girls are supposed to get their periods by then. Which means, that yes! You do work with this stuff?”

He rolls his eyes. “Fine. Did you take ibuprofen?”

“Yes. I took 4 in the past 4 hours” I say.

“Okay don’t ever do that again” he says.

“But I have class and so many meetings today! And I’m in pain!” I say.

“Honestly. I think you’re just overwhelmed by the work and your boyfriend. Because if you were that sick, you would have stayed home. Perhaps after you get home from the meetings you’ll be less stressed and you’ll feel better”.

The meetings took all day. But once I got home, my cramps were gone. Holy moly.

“You were right. My cramps are gone!” I text Yazan.

“Thank god. I was worried about you” he says.

“I was just really stressed about the stuff going on. It’s been a long week” I say.

“It’s only Tuesday” he responds.

Yea no kidding.

On Friday, I finally heard back from “K”. It is one hell of an apology text. I sigh. I miss img_4449having someone to talk to.

He takes me to the Cheesecake Factory that night.

“So what’s new?” he asks.

“I hate everyone” I say.

“You’re saying that because you’re on your period” he says laughing.

I rest my head in my hands. “No. Grad school is tough. There’s so much group work, like I even devote my weekends to working on these things and mind you it’s 7 hours in the library on Saturdays AND Sundays. And the weekdays are spent with quizzes, tests, readings, and papers. And more group work. And these groups treat me like I’m incompetent because I’m so young. And like. That’s sad considering I was a pretty big thing in Chicago and now I am a nobody and a small fish in a big pond. Did I mention I never get time to myself?”

“K” comforts me. But even he gets annoyed when I had to work with my group on Saturday all day.

“Are you going to have another group project tomorrow?” he asks.

I sigh. “Yea” I say squeezing his hands.

“I understand. You guys are in grad school” he says.

I smile. At least things are slowly getting better for us.

“I can’t wait to take you out for your birthday next week!” he says.

I laugh. “You can’t. I have a final that day” I say.

That’s another thing. Birthdays become like any other day when you’re an adult.

“Oh yea. Okay then. The next day. Wow that’s like the day before you go backΒ  home. Whatever. We will use that night to celebrate” he says.

Oh how will I ever explain this to my mother.

I guess I have bigger priorities to worry about anyway. Trying to pass all my classes in my first semester of grad school! Reader, if you pray, I ask you to pray for me. It’s really important to me to do well and become the next big public health professional.

If I can’t speak to you before the holidays, I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas ❀

xoxo. Shaz.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

What a long 20 days without blogging.

Yes, reader, I’m alright. I’ve been so busy over the past three weeks with school. No work or extracurricular, just school. I guess grad school does that to you. After the last post, things were going pretty well.

“K” improved his behaviors and took me out regularly. Also called regularly.

And then he started to flake again.

Missed one date. And then the other.

Thanksgiving break gave me a chance to tell my Mom about him. This was also the day I told her about all my past love interests.

Her jaw drops.

“Well. I knew about Prince Player” she says.

I look at her and laugh.

“I don’t like this new guy Shahz. I don’t want you to be with him. You can do better” she says.

This made me sad. Really sad. We debated about it everyday until the day before break ended. On that day, she told me about the relationship between my dad and her.

I was shocked when she told me stories of my dad using the same lines “K” does.

I swallow. “Why didn’t you tell me any of these things before?? Now it’s going to hurt when I break up with him!” I say crying.

“Oh Shahz, come here” my mom finally feels my hurt.14690918_907742199361617_356717797406229488_n

“It will. But. Look at yourself and look at all that you accomplished. Don’t you think you deserve better?”

I nod and sniffle.

I have never broken up with someone before. It was always the other way around.

One of my readers commented a few weeks ago that I sounded “miserable”. And that’s exactly how I felt. And this step is necessary.

When I got back to Boston yesterday, it was exhausting. I had a 7 hour flight and night class. It was a long day.

When I woke up this morning I look at my phone. I am on social media. And what I find, is, something very unacceptable from “K”.

That’s it. I’m done.

I send “K” one hell of a text message. I’m ready to move on.

When he suddenly starts typing a response immediately.

He says there has been a huge misunderstanding and “it’s not what it looks like” and he is “hurt” I would say all the things I did.

Huh. And then he blames me for jumping to conclusions.

I tell him he has given me no reason not to jump to conclusions with the way he has been treating me these past few weeks.

“That’s because these past few weeks have been the most stressful time in my life.”

My jaw drops. Did he not say that last month?

I swallow.

“I was actually going to call you in a few hours and ask if you’re free tonight so I can take you to the Cheesecake Factory”.

I grit my teeth.

What the absolute hell. It’s almost as if he’s bribing me.

I tell him if he really wants to discuss this in person, I am free after class.

But he’s upset.

And never responds.

My mom calls tonight and asks “is there something you want to talk to me about?” when she hears the sadness in my voice.

But I can’t.

I can never. Ever. Let someone. 100% go.

Breaking up is hard to do.

xoxo. S.