Winding Down

And off we go, my last week of my first year at grad school.

Do you believe this???

This is a time I begin to feel major anxiety. The last two weeks are always the hardest. There is no way to prioritize all the papers, exams, and group projects due. Especially in grad school.

Slowly but surely I am moving along.

On Monday I published the big research project my research partner and I have been working on. Then I had two presentations. And next week I have my last final exam. Then that’s that. I’m done!

Crazy.

Wasn’t it just yesterday I left college?

When I get a break, I stare out the window.

I wonder how all my friends are. Do they miss me?

I wonder how Prince Player is. Is he happy? 

I wonder how my club is. Is there more structure now?

I wonder how my former students are. Did I give them everything they needed to succeed?

I wonder how my teachers and mentors are. Are they proud of me? Do they know what a difference they made in my life?

I wonder what would have happened if I stayed in Chicago, and then I wouldn’t have to wonder.

I shake my head.

Nothing I wanted would have happened if I stayed. Still, I think about my Chicagoans everyday.

I don’t have all the drama or gossip to share like I always do in my last week of school (“Prince Player” came to visit, I won the President position, “Heart” did not come to visit). None of that.

That drama has been replaced by hard work and accomplishments.

Things I thought would never happen!

So as my first year of grad school winds down, I am immensely proud. I don’t believe my first year was upsetting as I did at university, it was good 🙂

xoxo. S.

 

 

I Am Woman

Although every week of grad school is hard, this one proved to be a challenge.

Thank you, Aunt Flo.

I knew my period would happen during a busy week. I knew the worst of cramps would happen on my most important day, Thursday. A.k.a presentation day.

I felt it about to begin on Tuesday night. My dad and I were just having a debate. I argued that women get paid less, he argued that this is because guys do not get “maternity leave” or “monthly things”. I rolled my eyes and told him these are things we as women cannot control! “Yes, you can. You can control pregnancy!” he said. I laughed. We debated for a solid hour, and my dad said, “Look. These are thing I noticed as global head. I hope you, are productive in your workplace regardless of life events, and get the pay you deserve”.

And just then, I felt a cramp. I immediately texted my research partner about looking over our work and making the necessary adjustments in our section so I can submit it (before my period  gets me unconscious). He never responds.

IMG_6103Wednesday, I arrive a few minutes late to my morning class because I spend some time making coffee. Having a period and B-12 deficiency is the worst, it’s like close to being dead. Thankfully, the class is really interactive and I stay awake. The whether has gotten really nice and everyone is wearing cute outfits. I look at mine. It is for cold weather, I don’t have any warm weather clothing that is professional. During my commute home, I order some clothes and shoes. I have 2 hours to rest before I have to go to night class. This class dragged on and on. But finally, it ended. When I get home, it’s time to prepare for my presentation and my cramps get really bad. I practice as much as I can and I allow myself to go to sleep at 2.

When I wake up the next morning at 8, I am cramping so bad. I breathe. It is presentation day- 10% of my grade, I can’t miss! I can’t wear the suit I planned to because it pinches everywhere I ache. I wear one of my dresses. Very professional and cute. I look in the mirror and wonder how I will make it through 2 meetings, 1 presentation, and  a 3 hour class.

But somehow, I make it to my morning. It is a brief 1 minute, great. I have time to relax before my presentation begins. I tell myself I am crampy, tired, and sick and that it’s okay not to be a perfectionist today, that if I just make it through and do my best- I will be happy with myself.

It’s presentation time and I do pretty good. When I sit down, my two friends compliment me. “Oh, you pronounced a word wrong and I almost died” my friend Jeanette says.

“Oh my god. Uninhabitable?” I asked. I knew. I practiced all night.

She nods. I was so close to passing out I didn’t even notice I slipped up.

“Fuck” I say.

But I keep my promise. I let it go. I can’t be a perfectionist every single day. Especially on a day like this. I am proud I showed up and gave my best work.

The class is interesting. We talk about refugees, my favorite topic. But I have these horrible cramps that come and go. “Are you sure you don’t want to go home?” my other friend Gigi asks. I nod. “I have my planning meeting after class” I say. “Yea but you’re sick…” she says.

I sigh. “I’ll be fine. I don’t have class tomorrow so I’ll pass out when I get home”.

Class finally ends after what seems like an eternity. I meet with my group. One girl is very annoying and out of the loop because she never comes to our meetings, another girl rarely acknowledges me by name. But. It ends in a quick 25 minutes and I am happy about that.

Outside, there are therapy dogs. One looks exactly like my dog and rest his nose on my lap. I could cry. Hormones and dogs my god ❤

I get on the bus to commute home and stop at CVS. I pick up tampons, Almond Joy, and ice cream.

I pass out as soon as I reach home and wake up at 9:00 in the evening. Wow. I really need my B-12 medicine. I send an e-mail to my doctor about the B-12 mess up the company she sent my prescription to caused and how I haven’t had a supply in 3 weeks and feel like I’m going to die.

Right about now I start missing everybody. Especially “K”, “Heart”, and “Prince Player”.IMG_6109

I grab a mini white chocolate Magnum ice cream and call “Mr. Photography dude”.

“Oh hey stranger” he says picking up.

“I’m sorry” I say.

“How have you been?” he asks. “Alright. Not good now though” I say.

“Why?” he asks.

“Cramps” I say.

“Ouch. Which guy are you missing the most right now?” he asks. I laugh hard. He knows me so well.

“All of them” I say. “You don’t need them” he says.

“K used to take me out for steak and cheesecake when I had cramps!” I say.

“Really? We live in the 21st century. You could order those stuff in if you wanted!” he says.

“Yea but. I liked being spoiled” I say.

He laughs. “Of course you do”.

We discuss some updates and he tells me to feel better.

I begin working on my Law paper due on Saturday.

On Friday, my second day of cramps, my research partner has FINALLY decided to respond. He is very apologetic. I look through our document, absolutely nothing has changed. He has made no corrections/additions. I fix all the errors. “Sorry. I didn’t know what you meant” he says in response. I roll my eyes. At least he likes the corrections and I can submit it.

Today I work on my Law paper as it is due. I keep falling asleep due to my obnoxious health issues. I have received a response from my doctor who says she spoke with IMG_6114the company and is having them ship me my medication as soon as possible and how she is also upset the company did not address this issue sooner. I sigh. I am so exhausted.

Finally, I am done with my paper and submit it. Or at least I thought I did. I never got a receipt, and the dropbox closed. Oh no. I email it to my professor, who clearly said she will not be accepting emailed papers.

I close my eyes. I am woman. And this, is not easy.

xoxo. S.

Filter credit goes to Snapchat.

Something Just Like This

Every morning after I wake up and do my stretches, I like to make coffee (or run to Starbucks and get one) and drink it while I watch the Boston skyline.

And I close my eyes. Grad school is tough. Every day, there is some thing. Multiple things, multiple people, multiple issues that need my attention.

I open my eyes. I love it though. I love my school. And I love Boston.

This isn’t anything like Chicago. Ever since my first day of undergrad in Chicago, it never felt right there.

I close my eyes and think about my first year in university.

I think about the day my dad lectured me for an hour after failing my Biology exam. My mom sent me an article shortly after about a veterinarian who failed a test in undergrad, worked hard, pulled up her grades, and got into many good programs after graduating and today owns her own practice.

I think about the day where I layed in bed, wondering if I could die with no pain. But I opened up my email, and there was a poem my mom wrote about me. And a text from my brother, asking me if I was excited for his graduation. I stopped thinking about dying.

I think about the day my I went to my Biology professor to go over my exam, to show her I cared and I was trying. And how she made me cry by telling me I wasn’t trying hard enough (after paying $1000s of dollars for tutoring and studying for that class 12 hours a week with major ADHD).

Classmates who asked me why I wasn’t on the Dean’s list.

University counselors making me believe I had a mental condition that I never had before.

People that wouldn’t say my name, because they didn’t know how/want to learn how to pronounce it.

Guys that didn’t realize what I was worth.

I open my eyes.

I can’t believe where I’m sitting.

It has been 9 months since graduate school started. And none of the above things have happened here. I am finally getting the respect I always wanted.

Things are tough here, but the professors and staff are so much nicer. So much more helpful. So much more caring. So much more respectful.

I have waited forever, for something just like this ❤

Thank you all for being patient as I work hard and prepare for the next chapter in my life 🙂

xoxo. S.

Where have I been?

I think my body has a blog clock- when I haven’t written in a month, it tells me I need to write. Just kidding. Actually, today, my good blogger friend Paul reminded me! He said, “Shaz! Where ya been? Hope you’re well!”

So here I am!

Where have I been?

I moped a bit. I have never felt SO happy after a break up. I guess “K” was really bringing me down that when I finally broke up with him, it was nice to not wait for someone or have my feelings hurt all the time!

But I moped for a second that “Prince Player” and I never worked out. I moped for a few minutes that I really adore the dentist that smiles at me every-time I pass him in the halls but I don’t have the courage to talk to him because he’s all over google and is better than me. I moped for a few days that the doctor from Harvard asked me out but I said no because, well, just because.

I moped that I’m growing up and I realize I have to figure out what I want instead of having all of these “temporary” relationships.

I went home for Spring Break. Ah, Texas was nice. One of my childhood friends got married and I got to wear a cute dress and go to his wedding. My whole family came with and we had a fun time. Unfortunately, because I had midterms the next week, I didn’t have too much fun outside of the wedding because I was studying :0

I had midterms. Please pray I did well on that one class I told you guys I had to retake. It’s not easy doing this at a grad-school level.

I’ve been working on a major research project. I am working on a research project developing an intervention to stop sexual assault and intimate partner violence in teens. Most of you know how I feel about this topic and I am so honored to be working with an amazing Professor and doing what I love.

I’ve been giving myself time to rest. I found out my Vitamin B-12 and D are low again! It’s making me very tired and achy.

I’ve been working. It’s recruitment season, and there’s no busier time than that for an ambassador.

I’ve been looking for an internship. Because I want to be prepared for the real world.

So that’s where I have been 🙂 I miss you all. Really.

xoxo. S.

Don’t Play With Him

After the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, confirming my class schedule and taking classes I love, things were going really well. I fall in love with Boston more and more everyday. I love my school so much. And I have interviews for 2 different internships!

I’ve been busy lately because on top of 5 classes, I’ve been getting certified in Mental Health First Aid (I GOT CERTIFIED YESTERDAY!!)

3 of my good friends from last semester are in the class with me so they made these early Saturday mornings bearable. We talked about the topic of Valentine’s Day.

My Valentine’s Day was okay. “K” was busy as usual. He didn’t wish me until I wished him. He said we would go out on Friday and have a belated celebration.

Friday night came, and he was busy again. He said he could stay for an hour so he brought me pizza and wine. It was nice, but I wanted more.

“You look amazing, your trainer has been working you hard!” he says grabbing my waist.

I pull away. “Yea. You’ll think things like that when you haven’t come to see me in a month” I say walking away.

The last time K was over, we had an argument because K was uncomfortable I had a personal trainer.

“Oh what if I had a personal trainer that was a girl?” K asked.

“I would be happy that you were doing something good for your body!” I said.

K rolled his eyes and I was upset at how quickly he became jealous.

But back to Friday, K says how he is always busy with his business and family. And that as soon as my certification class ends on Saturday, we will spend the whole day together. And actually go out to a nice restaurant like the one he took me to for my birthday.

I was excited. So my friends revealed they didn’t do anything special for Valentine’s day and asked me what I did. I explained how K was busy and how he’ll take me out as soon as our class ends.

“OOOO get it girl!” they said.

I looked down and tried to smile.

“Why don’t you look happy?” my friend Cristal asked.

“I don’t know. He’s so…flaky. He rarely keeps his promises. And he gets very jealous” I say.

“No. Don’t fuck with him” my other friend Melanie says instantly.

I laugh.

“What she means is, stop talking to him Shaz. You deserve better. We go to a school of dentists and doctors that stare at you constantly” Cristal says.

I sigh. “I know, I know. I’ll make my decision tonight depending on what he does”.

They shrug.

After the class, I text him. He says he may get held up.

I swallow. For some reason, I already know he won’t be coming so I don’t even shower. I nap and when I wake up, there are no texts from him.

I text him multiple times and see he’s read them, but no response.

Unbelievable. He doesn’t even say “sorry, I can’t make it”.

I go to sleep. Expecting something in the morning.

But nothing. I text him asking him to explain what happened last night. Maybe after a good night’s rest he will say sorry and that he can make up for it today.

But not. He says, “I told you I would get held up”.

I ask him if he plans to see me anytime soon. “Hopefully, when work slows down yea” he says.

What. the. absolute. fuck? My jaw drops. I feel sick. This is like “Prince Player” all over again.

I can’t do it anymore. That’s it. I’m done.

I remember what Melanie said, “Don’t fuck with him”.

For the first time. I do something I have never had the guts to do with a flaky guy.

stars“You know what. I can’t do this anymore. I’m loyal, I’m beautiful, and I’m smart. I deserve someone that will cherish that. Not someone that will make me beg and wait for his attention.”

I press send. He reads it. AND DOES NOT RESPOND.

And so there it was. I take it as a sign from God.

I delete him from Snapchat. I delete him from Facebook. I delete him from WhatsApp.

There goes the longest serious relationship I ever had.

Boy bye. My mom was right. I am too good for you.

xoxo. S.

Self-Care Tips for the Lonely, Busy, and Anxious

It’s really hard to find time to de-stress when you are a busy, lonely, and anxious individual (hence the title of this post).

You all know I’m busy. From being a full-time graduate student taking 5 classes, working out 4x a week, and being an ambassador for the school…um…I pray things don’t get busier.

Unfortunately, when you leave college (and you move), you kind of lose your friends :0 You become too busy to socialize. I know this is sad. If you all end up working in the same city, this likely will not happen to you. But I, out of all my friends, was the only one to leave. Therefore, I am alone.

And ah. Anxiety. I’m anxious about my classes. I’m anxious about my boyfriend. I’m anxious about money. I’m anxious about my weight.

So, I present to you my list! A special exclusive list I ONLY made for people who are busy, alone, or anxious.

1.) Take a shower- I’m serious. Sometimes, if you get major anxiety, you can be in bed for so long that you forget this. But do it. It’s an instant pick-me up. And you’ll feel all fresh 🙂

2.) Drink lots of water- This is especially important if you cried.

3.) Write it out- Sometimes, I make a list of what’s bothering me. And then I check it a week later, and I’m like- “No way. I was worried about that???” and smile that I overcame it.

4.) Exercise- This is one of those things you MUST make time for. If you have health, you have everything. So take a simple 30 minutes or so and get active.

5.) Talk it out- A friend, a family member, a mentor- it helps to get a second opinion.

6.) Take a walk outside- How does that old saying go? You need to “stop and smell the roses”? It’s true. Get some fresh air!

7.) Say “no”- So this is why I felt very depressed during undergrad. I ALWAYS SAID YES. When I suffered burn-out and couldn’t get out of bed one day, I learned the horrible horrible horrible side effects of being nice. Once I started saying “no”, I was surprised with how much less I had to deal with and how much more things I got to do for myself.

8.) Say “yes”- Okay and now I have contradicted myself. But in this case, I mean say “yes” to new things. If a friend wants to go to a concert, new restaurant, a game but you normally don’t like to be around too many people- go and check it out. You never know. You may have had a great time and made new friends.

selfAnd lastly, unattach yourself from social media until you feel better (YES I MEAN SNAPCHAT TOO). This is a silent killer. And I learned this the hard way. Absolutely NOTHING more important than you has happened while you were taking a break, and if it did- you’ll see it on the news.

What are your favorite self-care tips for when you just don’t have the time or energy? Comment below!

And if you are in the U.S (or you love football)- Happy Super Bowl Weekend! What an honor for me to finally be a Boston resident as the Patriots play 🙂 Whatever I do tomorrow as part of celebrating the Super Bowl…will be included in my self-care hahaha. ❤

xoxo. S.

Personally

So after crying all of the weekend of my first week of my second semester at grad school (that was a run on sentence), I decided something had to change. There are things that are normal, and things that are not. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed during the first week of classes. It is not normal however, to let the overwhelming affects spew into the lives of your significant other and family.

So I asked myself what was wrong. I only started feeling the way I did during my “Mental Health” class. They were talking about anxiety, depression, and being medicated and I felt-

AHA! Bingo! So that was the culprit! That one class was what was making me feel the way I did. I had taken that class because I needed an elective, and I loved the Professor.

However, that class wasn’t for me. I e-mailed my advisor right away. I was nervous. In undergrad, it was so easy to drop classes and replace them. You could do it by yourself in less than a minute on your computer.

Grad-school, it’s different. You need the approval of your advisor, your registrar, your professor, and more people.

So I was nervous.

But at last, when the meeting with the advisor and registrar came, they were very nice about it!

“It’s understandable. That class does cover some heavy topics”.

“So what should I tell my professor?”

“Just tell her what you told us. It is your money and your education- you deserve to do whatever you like. Especially since this class is not required. In fact, we can call her if you’d like”.

Wow, that was nice of them. But this professor was so nice to me, the least I could do is tell her myself.

So I walked on over to her office, and I did.

“I love you. And I love mental health. But right now, when I’m on Academic Warning- I don’t think I should be in a class that makes me so uncomfortable” I said.

Although she was a teensy bit offended, she was also very understanding.

Phew. I replaced the class with a class called “Preventing Domestic Violence”.

“Are you sure you want to do that one? That class also covers some pretty heavy topics” my advisor says.

“I think I’m ready for this one” I said.

And so I went to that class, and I LOVED it! I’m thinking about switching my concentration in Mental Health to Women and Children’s Health.

My advisor was very happy to hear it and made all the corrections to my schedule.

Also the TA from that class, adores me!

I was standing at an event all by myself. And I spotted her, and tried to hide, but she came up to me and said- “Hey! You’re Shahz right?”

“Yes” I said quietly.

“OH MY GOD! You’re my student! Come and meet all my friends!” she introduced me to all her friends.

I started talking to her about class and she said, “Enough about that. Let’s be friends in real life!” and added me on Facebook :0

Wow. Thank GOD I followed my gut and switched classes. I love the topic, Professor, and TA.

Although the rest of my classes are challenging, it’s not anywhere near as uncomfortable as the Mental Health one and I believe in myself.

“K” was pretty off during the week, I didn’t get to see him, but we’re both busy.

In  politics, things have been crazy because Trump signed an order banning refugees from 7 countries. As someone who has worked with refugees and as the daughter of two immigrants, I’m hurt.

Everything this past week, just got so personal.

xoxo. S.

What do all my readers do?

I’m back at school and the first week of school blahs have kicked in.

Why did I move to Boston?

Why did I choose to go to grad-school?

Why did I decide to take this class?

The person that got to deal with it is my significant other.

I cried as soon as I saw him.

“Oh come on. It’s only been a few days since I last saw you” he says hugging me.

True. He did come see me as soon as I landed a few days ago and that was perfect. One of our best interactions I would say. Which is exactly why my tears have nothing to do with him.

“It’s not you!” I say crying.

“What is it then?” he asks.

I stay quiet for what seems like an eternity.

“I don’t like it here” I say quietly staring out my window.

He raises his eyebrows. “You don’t like Boston?” he asks surprisingly. “I thought you loved it. That’s why you moved here”

“I do. But like. I was this big deal in Chicago. Everyone knew who I was. And now. I am a nobody” I say sadly.

He sighs. “Did someone piss you off?” he asks.

“No” I say laughing.

“Then why are you suddenly feeling like this?”

“I’ve felt this way for a long time. I tried to tell you!”

He hugs me. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch it before. Next time, you need to stop me and tell me you really need to talk”.

I smile. “Okay”.

sometimes-you-just-have-to-give-yourself-the-pep-talk-3023443“As for the situation. It happens Shahz. When you want to be successful, you need to move to new places and you need to meet new people and you need to do new things. It’s a big part of growing up. You are already amazing, but you know you’re here, and you’re trying to do big things and in like a year and a half- you’ll have a Master’s. And then if it’s still bad, you can decide where to go next”.

I rest my head on his shoulder.

And it got me thinking.

I don’t know what some of my readers do. Like what do you do for a living? Do you work? What do you do? Are you still in school? What do you study?

Comment below!

I think my reader demographics are important 🙂

xoxo. S.

Cup of Tea

On New Year’s Eve, I sent all my good friends a message about how they made me smile over the year. “Prince Player” did not respond. But “K” did.

“I’m glad. A girl like you should smile every day, every year.”

It was sad that “Prince Player” and I haven’t talked in a long time. But a few days later. I understood why.

My phone buzzes in the morning. The first message is from player. “OMG” it says.

Next message is from my advisor.

Next one is from an interviewer I really wanted a job from.

All important. I decided to go with “Prince Player’s” first. I know what the other two are anyway. I respond “What lol?”

For him to say “OMG”. After a long time without talking to me. And early in the morning. Something must be up.

I feel adrenaline in me. What could it be? I close my eyes and imagine possible scenarios.

OMG. I found really cheap tickets to Boston and I’m going to come visit you!

OMG. I had the craziest dream about you!

OMG. I’ve been missing you lately and-

My third scenario is interrupted by his next message. I quickly side to see the message.

I exhale. It was something about his new girlfriend. Of course.

I respond. He doesn’t. Oh well.

I look at the message from my advisor. “Your GPA has fallen below 3.0….”

I close my eyes. I want to cry. I never thought grad school would be so tough.

The next one is from the interviewer. “We regret to inform you…”

Lovely.

Usually when “Prince Player” doesn’t respond, I’ll send a follow up- but this time, I just couldn’t. Too much was happening.

Before I went too crazy, I see a video-call from “K” coming in. I message him and tell him I can’t talk at the moment.

“It’s okay. I was just missing you. Come back already” he responds.

I laugh. I guess that’s good.

I close my eyes. I think about everything going on. And everything that’s happened.

I call Mr. Photography dude. I’ve been neglecting all my friends since grad school sadly. We catch up on our love lives, school, and work.

“What have I always told you Shahz?” he asks.

“That I deserve better?”

“Yes but that’s not what I’m thinking of. But you did get that! “K” treats you like a queen!” he says.

I laugh. “But my mom doesn’t like him. She likes “Prince Player” better.”

q8t4pfo“Yea we’ll work on her later. Pray on it. You’ve been with guys she doesn’t like before. But that’s not what I said. I said. You are not everyone’s cup of tea.”

I laugh.

“Stop laughing. I’m being serious. You. You glow, you spread joy, you do all these things. And so many people love you. But there are some people in this world, that just won’t love you as much as you love them. You are not everyone’s cup of tea, and that is fine. Because for every person that does not love you like that, there will be someone that loves you so fiercely”.

“Like K?” I ask.

“A guy that takes you out. Texts you ‘good morning princess’. Calls you to check up on you. Randomly compliments you and hugs you? YES! My point exactly. And you need to stop talking to these other lovers from the past and focus on him!”

I sigh.

“And that’s my last pep-talk for you. If I ever hear player’s name again while you’re seeing ‘K’. I swear Shahz-”

I laugh “Okay okay. I just. Reminisce. That’s all”.

“Remember the other thing I said? If it was meant to happen, it would have” he says.

I sigh. “So I was meant to fall below a 3.0 GPA this semester?”

“Yes” he says. “You clearly didn’t understand what you learned in some classes. Retake them. Learn them better. And you know, you’ll get the grades you deserve. Some people require longer time to learn things, and uh…that’s you. And that’s fine. It happened to you multiple times in undergrad, and you survived!” he says.

“And what about that job?”

He laughs. “Oh my god. We’ve b13226644_823252927810545_3312947443035976878_neen through this many times before too! Somehow, you get rejected to the most jobs, and you keep trying and you get the best job out of all of us! So just keep applying to other ones. Something will come around.”

I smile sadly.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too” he says. “Things aren’t the same here. But do what you gotta do in Boston. You always wanted this. And you never quit. So don’t start now!”

I really hope Boston becomes my cup of tea.

I really hope I become all my Professor’s cup of tea.

I really hope I become employers cup of tea.

The analogy is really making me want some tea before I go back to school tomorrow :0

xoxo. S.

My 23rd birthday, finals, and then some

For as long as I have been alive, I rarely had school on my birthday. And never have I ever had a final on my birthday. Falling only a few days before Christmas, it was never a possibility. Well. Until now. Hooray grad school!

On my 23rd birthday I had my hardest final. Epidemiology and Biostatistics. And the day after that, I had my second hardest…Law :0

At least thinks between me and “K” were good. Since our last fiasco, “K” really improved. He began texting everyday, even if it was just to say “Good morning beautiful”. I would wake up happy. So I was able to concentrate on everything again.

I spent all weekend reviewing for the finals. And then, Monday came. It didn’t even feel like a birthday.

Bright and early in the morning, I got a lovely text. From “K” ❤

“Happy birthday beautiful. Kill that exam. You’re so special I could write a whole paragraph. But why do that when I can say it all to you? Reservations tomorrow at (insert one of the best restaurant in Boston!) 9:00. I’ll pick you up. See you then.”

I smile and get out of bed. Other friends begin to text nice wishes. I get dressed and run to Starbucks. While at Starbucks, it’s “Prince Player’s” turn. He says happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here to celebrate with me. Aw.

My classmates wish me as well. One of them even texted “For your birthday I got you cold weather and one of the toughest finals! No take-backs”. Oh I loved the sympathy ❤

I grab my coffee and turn my phone off. It was time to use the last two hours I had before the exam to study! When it’s time to head out, I do a quick prayer and make it a wish to pass this class.

An hour later, I begin the exam- and I know shit. Absolutely nada. Oh. My. God. Whatever I studied, was definitely not on there! Oh no. I tried my best and after 3 hours, I was done.

So I commute back home and grab Qdoba and a chocolate cake. Hey, “K” was taking me out the next day anyway so I could celebrate for reals then. I quickly eat and begin to study for my next exam. Law. My second hardest. I study and study and around midnight I decide it’s time to call it a day.

When I arrive at the testing center, I continue to go through my flashcards. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But I go in, and holy moly. I KNOW EVERYTHING! I finished it in one hour!

Phew. At least that made me feel better. And at last, it was finally time to celebrate my birthday!

First, I decide to take a quick nap since the exam was so early in the morning. Then I shower and do my nails. “K” tells me he’s on his way. Good. I put on my dress and heels. An hour later, he arrives.

He smiles at me. “Happy birthday, you look beautiful”.

“Thanks” I say holding his hands in mine.

In the car he plays a beautiful song. I look at him and smile.

It’s “Happy Birthday” by Kygo and John Legend.

“Beautiful, beautiful, no other name
I knew from the moment you came
I’ve seen in your eyes the dawn of a day
Where nothing will ever be the same”

“Ooh, I wanna dance with you
Ooh, I’ll promise to stand for you
I’ll do anything for you
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Tonight, my love all I want
I wanna sing for you
Yeah, I’ll sing for you
Happy birthday, baby
Happy birthday to you”

We have always bonded over music. And he always chooses the right song. I lean back into my seat and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. My first birthday where I’m not single.

We arrive at the restaurant and it is very fancy. There are ceiling to floor glass windows with a view of the skyline, and the hostess knows exactly where to take us when “K” says his name.

Oooo. Wow.

We sit down and “K” orders us the wine we had on our first date. He lets me order filet minion and it is delicious.

15894868_971331169669386_1582989894823656681_nI love it. And I like him so much. But my stomach churns. I start thinking a million thoughts. I’m sad to leave him for a month. I’m going to get a lot of crap about this from my Mom when I go home. And why am I thinking about “Prince Player”? I wish I was sitting in a restaurant like this with “Prince Player”. My eyes widen when I realize I just though that.

“You okay?” “K” asks.

I snap out of it. I hold his hand, “Yea this view is just amazing baby.”

He nods. And we are ready for the check. I peak at it. Holy moly. It’s over a $100!! Jesus. This one must really like me.

We head out and reach my place. Everything is great and lovely, and after an hour, “K” has to leave. When “K” clearly told me that on my birthday, he would stay with me for a while.

It must have been something I did or said.

“What’s your deal?” I ask.

“What’s your deal?” he asks.

I go over to him.

He says something that I don’t like him mentioning. I look down. Of course. That’s why he’s leaving so soon. He’s upset.

But he hugs me. And says bye.

I’m so confused.

No wonder why I never had a boyfriend during my birthday, I didn’t want them to ruin it!!

How can we leave each other like this? Winter break was going to be weird.

But at last, after a week and a half of ignoring each other. I finally spoke to him. And we had another disagreement. Although, we told each other we would take some time to ourselves to think about our relationship and hopefully reconcile when we see each other in person again, we continued texting each other and things have been better.

Which is good because things were about to get really ugly.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.