“What is it Shaz? You’re making me nervous. Are you leaving us for another position or something?”

See I wouldn’t normally go to my supervisor’s supervisor. But this time, the problem got too far. And my supervisor’s supervisor and I are closer than myself and my supervisor. I had to solve this. Before my heart stopped working completely.

I stop pacing and sit.

“Would it make you upset if I did?” I say laughing.

“Yes!” my supervisor’s supervisor says looking shocked.

I nod. I explain what happened. And then when I get to my heart, I begin to cry.

My god this is so not what I wanted to happen.

“Take a breath” she says.

I do. And I continue.

“Hmm. Shaz I don’t think she meant it like that. That’s just the way we talk around here”.

My jaw drops. “Jackie. That’s not okay”.

She nods. “I guess we’ll have to work on that”.

Yea, no kidding.

That night I have my session with Don.

“Ah. I was waiting for the Prince Player plot twist” Don says when I tell him about the text.

I nod. I tell Don about all the other crap I’ve been experiencing. With my job and my heart. And my boss.

“Good for you Shaz! You finally did it” he says.

I smile.

“I notice you didn’t say a lot about Prince Player in this session” he says.

I shake my head. “It’s my heart. I can’t fuck around anymore. I want to make this my number one priority”

“Did he even ask about why you went to the doctor before he sent you that text?”

I shake my head. I’m still scribbling notes of things Don has said throughout the session.

“Shaz?” Don says.

I stop writing and look up.

“FUCK. HIM.” Don says.

I nod. “I know”.

“Seriously. Talk about kicking you when you’re down” Don says.

“It’s not the first time that’s happened” I say.

Now he is shaking his head.

The next day, my boss wants to talk to me. Jackie has spoken to her.

“Shaz. What happened?”

Now I have to tell her everything.

“Goodness. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I shrug. “I tried… you weren’t listening”.

“Do you need a few days off?” she asks.

Jesus. Now I’m being asked this. Too little too late.

I tell her it’s ok as I’m going home soon anyway.

She says I’m a senior specialist and therefore I’ll have additional responsibilities than others, but admits she did give me extra over the last few months and will rearrange next month.

Then she gives me a hug.

Ugh, I don’t know how to feel. I’m so burnt out.

Over the weekend my friend Maria who left our team for the same reasons and is glowing in her new job texts me saying we’re going shopping.

I get chocolate covered almonds and organic gummy bears while she grabs healthy things for a new diet she’s on. She talks about how her husband is participating in it too.

“You have a good man Maria” I say.

“I do” she says beaming. “Speaking of which….” she raises her eyebrows at me.

“NO” I say.

“Oh no?” she asks.

“He didn’t want it Maria. I don’t know why, he didn’t want it. And if he doesn’t, well, neither do I. And I told him that” I say. I don’t know what she’ll say, I hope she doesn’t press.

“Exactly Shaz. It’s like ‘bye, nice knowing you!’ she says.

I smile. We can complain about my job all we can, but I made the bestest of friends. Friends that get me. Friends that empower me.

I hold her arm and we go buy our items. We get Dunkin to go as I am fasting for Ramadan.

It’s hard being a coffee addict during Ramadan. I have to drink my coffee at night since I can’t during my usual time.

But I’m just glad my heart medication has started to work and I’m able to fast again. Every Ramadan, I experience a miracle. And this year, I could use one.

xoxo. S.

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