Somewhere In Between

“He’s fine Don, come on, I ain’t all holy water” oh my god I just quoted my favorite Scotty McCreery song.

I can see Don scribbling hard.

“You can’t convince me he’s not the one for me. So help me help him” I say after Prince Player misses our phone call and I hadn’t heard from him again for a few days again.

“Alright… what do you think you should say?” he asks.

“I’ll say…’You ok love?'” I suggest.

Don nods, “That’s good”.

“But then he’s going to say yes and that he was tired” I say.

“Empathize with him. How do people empathize with you when you’re feeling sick?”

“They say ‘Oh sorry Shaz. That must be so hard for you’ ”

Don nods again, “Well there you go”.

I sigh and take my own notes. “You’d think being the chief of planning a vaccination for an entire population was harder than this” I say.

Don laughs “I gotta tell you Shaz. I don’t know many people who would do this for someone. Like this s tremendously nice of you. I mean, he seems to ignore you like this often. Do you like this behavior?”

“No, but I like him” I say.

Don goes right for his Starbucks Espresso shot.

“I am right there with you!” I say taking a large sip of my Gatorade.

He laughs “You sure do come prepared”.

“I know how it looks Don. But I’m glad to have him back. After he left me last time, I felt there was so much I could have done to prevent that outcome. But I was giving up, and thus that made him give up” I say.

Don gives me a look, “Shaz. I guarantee you that is not how it happened”.

“Ok ok whatever. Maybe not. But if this happens again, I want to know that I tried my absolute best” I say resting my head on my Gatorade bottle.

Don nods slowly, “Let’s agree that you absolutely did and are doing that right now”.

“I’d just rather have him in my life than not. I don’t care about the obstacles. He is worth it” I say.

“Shaz. Are we going to have a situation like your last boyfriend?” Don asks.

I run my fingers through my hair. Ugh.

My ex was amazing when I first met him. He loved me longer and harder than anyone else. Always taking me out on dates, sometimes twice a day. Cuddling me the way I wanted to be. Buying me gifts. Meeting my friends, introducing me to his. Kissing me when I cried. Listening to our favorite country songs. Doing everything with me.

But after he left suddenly after 9 months, I blamed myself. I thought he left because he felt I didn’t value him enough.

This proved to be wrong. And after Prince Player left, he tried to seize the opportunity and get me back and manipulated me with his most recent ex. It was so, so, so bad.

I told Don then one of my favorite quotes, “When you won’t get rid of someone bad for you, God will give you an obvious sign that you need to. And it won’t be pretty”.

So that is what he is asking me about.

“Shaz?”

I snap back to reality.

“That was really bad. But I believe Prince Player is different” I say.

“Ok…good luck. If you want him, continue doing what you’re doing. Supporting him, loving him, and being patient with him” Don says.

I feel better that night. But my mind circles the next morning on what to do. Should I give him more space and wait or reach out now.

Now or later.

Now or later.

Now or later.

Omg just stop it, I tell myself. It’s been almost 72 hours and player is my lover and I want to know if he is alright and if he is still feeling what I’m feeling.

I text him.

He responds immediately. We talk. It’s nice. I think we are done for the day, but later that night as I’m setting up my alarm for my clinic shift the next morning- he texts again.

This time he opens up about how he has been feeling.

I’m sad he is feeling that way, but happy he shared with me.

I remind him how special he is and that I’ll stand by him- no matter what.

Our communication resumes and I am happy. It pauses here and there and I still don’t know when I’ll see him physically again, but, I’m ok.

It’s hard sometimes.

I wanted to talk to player last night but fell asleep before his response came in.

I wanted to text him when I saw it in the morning but then I got caught up in my very busy clinic shift.

I didn’t estimate this.

Being a frontline health care worker during the pandemic, being sick, being far away from family, and being in a long distance somewhere in between whatever with the love of your life who is struggling.

My chest hurts so bad. I hold it for a sec.

“Shaz”.

I turn to my associate.

“You good?”

I nod.

I text player after my last patient. He responds and we talk briefly. Then nothing.

Oh boy.

I know things will work itself out, eventually.

But right now, I’m somewhere in between.

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