How Will I Know

Dr. Davis’s question makes me remember Prince Player the rest of the week.

It’s hard. I’m so disappointed things didn’t work out.

On Friday, I do my usual Friday post work-quarantine routine. I watch Shark Tank 🙂 That Friday I had loads of laundry too.

In between late night laundry, I see my phone light up. I put everyone except my family on “do not disturb” through the period of my illness for extra rest and recovery so I think it’s one of them.

I nearly drop my phone when I see Prince Player’s name.

I put down my laundry basket and lay on my bed.

Prince Player says he is sorry and feels bad about the way things ended, and he hopes I’m doing well.

My jaw drops. This is it.

This is the moment I was hoping for.

Our reconciliation.

I told myself in Prince Player came back, I’d do everything I can to make it work. As last time, it felt like I was giving up.

I tell him my life hasn’t been the same since he left.

He admits the same.

We talk and Prince Player reminds me of memories from our weekend together. Some of those memories I forgot in the process of my healing.

While I like discussing the memories, I don’t understand why we are if Prince Player doesn’t like me.

That’s what he said when we broke up right? “Yea I don’t feel the same way”

Unless of course…he changed his mind.

It’s getting late. I tell him I’m happy he messaged and to let me know if his mind has changed about us.

He says he will.

We don’t really stop talking, it becomes clear he has and is on the same page as me.

Prince Player is faster in his communication now. Instead of saying he isn’t sure about his future with me, he says things like “we’ll figure things out babe”. I’m really hopeful it will actually work this time.

Except. On weekends.

On weekends it’s really hard to reach player for some reason…

“Oh Shazzzzz” my therapist Don says when I have told him the story of player coming back.

I snap out of my beautiful daydream and all the conversations I had in the last few days with player.

“WELL WHAT IS HE DOING ON WEEKENDS SHAZ?” Don asks. I don’t blame him. He’s hearing this for the third time now.

I laugh “He is resting. He is a hard working professional like me!” I say shrugging.

“So? You’re fucking Shaz. You should be more of a priority to him!” Don says.

“Well ouch…” I say.

You can always count on Don to give me a reality check. As much as I hate when he does that, I appreciate how he always thinks about the present and forward and not my past like other therapists have done.

“Shaz. You are in the busiest career right now. You are sick. You have maybe more trauma than him from what I know. And you make time for him and everyone else” Don says.

“I know. But he’s going through a lot. We don’t know what he’s going through” I say.

“Shaz. You’re doing it again” Don says.

“What? You’re the one that told me last time I need to be more empathetic to his situation! When I was waiting on him to get back to me after two days and I told you I don’t have time for this- you said I need to make time…”

“I think you misunderstood Shaz. At that time, it seemed like he was making an effort to really be with you and change. But the story he told you when he saw you, plus now him leaving and coming back after 3 months…now that’s just shady. Where has he been these last 3 months Shaz?” Don asks.

My eyes well up. I just know player. He needs space sometimes. He really is better now. I just know it.

“Shaz I didn’t mean to rain on your parade. I just saw you happy last time, after he said all these nice things. And then he left. And you were really sad. And now he’s back. Saying nice things again. What tells us the same thing won’t happen again?”

“He’s better now. He sounds like it…” I say.

“I don’t know Shaz. You are very ambitious, caring, and reliable” Don says. He goes on to say that player doesn’t sound like any of those things and it’s going in one of my ears and out the other. He can’t convince me.

“That is the love of my life you are talking about. And he is all of those things. Or at least he is doing his best to be” I tell Don.

Don stares at me. “Well Shaz. I don’t know him. And I’m not you so I can’t personally feel your feelings about him and stuff. But if you feel strongly about him, then continue- but with caution”.

Oh my god I am so mad at Don. Why would he say that about player.

After my IUD procedure (which I’ll discuss in the next post) I get a lot of pain. The pain triggers my long gone anxiety up again.

And when player vanishes on weekends…it triggers a lot of flashbacks. Flashbacks of player in college when he said he was coming over, but didn’t. Flashback of player in Boston, who came to see me but didn’t want to be intimate or spend much time with me when he did. Flashbacks of all the pain, trauma, and grief I faced since knowing player. And how he wasn’t really there those times.

My head spins.

I lay down and shut my eyes.

He is here now, more than ever before. And that is what matters.

I don’t know if Don has a point.

It’s hard to tell sometimes.

But my heart is with player, and I trust player.

Ugh. How will I know.

xoxo. S.

to be continued in Lady Problems

2 thoughts on “How Will I Know

  1. I know someone like Prince Player. It’s the most wonderful feeling when he is there. And the most crippling when he vanishes for whatever reason he never gives me.

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