Plop. I have fallen.

Omg. One crazy 11 hour shift later, I fall in the parking lot of the clinic. Chicago had one heck of a snowstorm over the weekend and it left a lot of ice everywhere. I hold my knee, god that is painful.

And finally, I can cry. I can cry about that thing that happened with Prince Player.

For two months I’ve been trying to get it out of my system. “Feeling is healing” I kept telling myself over and over again. But it appeared my heart was too numb with all the damage done to feel anything.

I get in my car as best as I could. I’ll assess the damage when I get home.

I think about the last 8 weeks. Just that morning, I made my cup of coffee and sat down. I was running late for work but I knew it was going to be a long day and wanted some peace before I went in.

“Seriously? After all that?? Why would he even fly all the way here? To use you?” my mentor asked when I told him the news 8 weeks ago.

I think about that. I think of all the people I had to tell that it didn’t work out. I think of how my 8 years worth of trying was a waste. I think of how I jinxed it. I literally told the few people I told I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t want to jinx it.

When I get home I prop my leg up on a pillow and put some frozen peas on my knee. My knee is swollen but it will be fine. We will see about my heart.

I stare at the ceiling. After 8 weeks of feeling nothing about this situation, I’m suddenly… mad. Usually I feel sad after breakups so this is weird. But I’m mad. I’m mad at player. How could he pretend like I don’t exist, after breaking my heart for the 100th time. Am I not a human being? It’s like we are strangers…

Did he ever even like me. Or did he just feel sorry for me.

My eyes widen. I shut it.

He did. He liked me. Even if it was just for 6 weeks, he did.

What a shame.

I turn off the lights. I know it’s for the best. After 8 years of the same thing, I shouldn’t have expected anything better this time around.

I’m a good person. I accepted him as he is. Forgave him. Loved him. And prayed for him even when he wasn’t mine. I did my best.

I remember what he said the first time he broke my heart 8 years ago. “Some day, you’ll make a guy very happy”.

Yes I will.

The next morning I get up, my knee is feeling better- and so is my heart. Feeling really is healing ain’t it.

xoxo. S.

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