Birthday Breakup (Part 2)

I walk into work exhausted the next day.

Loving Prince Player is like, trying to catch the rain. What am I supposed to do if nothing, not even I can make him happy.

“How’s it going with him?” I am rushing to a patient room but my associate Daniel believes in “walking and talking”.

“Oh. It’s over Daniel. I know it” I say flipping through my clipboard studying the patient’s chart.

Daniel walks faster to match my speed, “What? Come on Shaz. Breathe. No it isn’t!”

I turn the knob on my patient’s door and look at him “Oh yes it is. He’s calling me tonight to confirm it!”

Daniel sighs and shakes his head. “Call me if you need something”. I nod.

When I’m done with that patient I reach into my dress’s pocket for my travel size Bath & Body works lotion that makes me happy. I come up empty handed. What the heck happened to my lotion. I swear I-

Oh. I suddenly remember. I gave it to Prince Player when he left. To remember me 😦

I see my patients and do my job but I am so tired. I take a hot shower after I get home and text player asking if he’s feeling better.

He doesn’t text back, so a few hours later I’m about to FaceTime my other friend Sam when- player calls me. I text Sam, “hang on, I’m about to get dumped”. “Omg Shaz, are you sure you wanna chat tonight?” he messages back. I sigh.

I answer my phone. “Hey player” ugh I don’t sound happy I sound pissed. I don’t need to be, but I’m just feeling drained. With work, my own issues, and what player is about to do.

“Hey Shaz! How are you?” wow he sounds much happier the day before.

“Good” I say lieing.

“Good. Ok. I’m just gonna cut to the chase” he says.

Oh please. Please just do it. Rip off the bandaid.

“I don’t want this anymore” he says.

I roll my eyes all the way to the ceiling. No really?

He continues, “I know you didn’t want us to break up this way, and I wish I could do it in person. I really wanted to give this a try and make it work. But it’s not going to. I was optimistic about this working out, despite us being long distance. But I am not anymore, I see it as a challenge. I value being close physically with someone”

Yea who fucking doesn’t.

He continues again, “I know we discussed this and we talked about how in the future we can be in the same location, but it’s just not something I can think about right now. I should have known this would be a problem, but I really liked you and wanted to try”

I swallow.

He isn’t finished. Omg please finish I can’t bear to listen anymore. “We had something intense, and I appreciated it at the time. But I didn’t think about the logistics of all of this. It’s clear to me now that yea I wasn’t communicative with you when I got back here. But it was because of all this. I don’t know Shaz, um I’m willing to hear what you think.”

Jesus. Mary and Joseph. Finally. My turn

“Yea I mean it’s fine. I just want you to be happy” the words just flow out of my mouth, as if my heart was the one that was talking.

What the absolute hell Shaz. Really? Sometimes I amuse myself. He had this whole monologue, and I just said I wanted him to be happy.

Sigh.

“I want you to be happy too. Although I know this is probably not making you happy” he responds.

Yea no kidding.

“Shaz. I was so optimistic when we were talking and I saw you. But that feeling is gone now. I really appreciate everything you did for me. Thanks for hosting me, I had a good time. It’s really not easy to end things with someone that you went through so much with. And especially that weekend, we discussed some real shit and learned a lot of new things about each other. And yea it’s not easy but, I have to stop letting my emotions take control of me like I usually do- and think”

I stay silent.

“But yea I’m willing to talk more about this or stay on the line if you want to discuss this some more” he says.

Oh my god why is he still speaking.

“No it’s fine. I understand” I say.

Again I amuse myself.

“Thank you for understanding, I think it’s best if we don’t communicate anymore” he responds.

What the fuck is that all about. We are ex lovers ending on good terms not enemies.

“Uh. Well we don’t have to stop completely we can still support each other from afar and wish each other well” I say.

“Yea I wanna see you be successful, which you already are” he says.

Just. Be quiet.

And then he says bye.

And then I say bye. And he hangs up first. As usual.

I hold my phone to my chest.

I look at the calendar. Well that’s not really how I wanted to start the new year of my life.

But.

Something weird happens. Every time I want to be sad or upset about player over the last month- my heart and mind just stop me. And remind me each time, that I just want him to be happy. Even if it’s without me.

I’m glad we tried and that we did everything we could. For some reason, God wanted him in my life for 8 years. And maybe, that isn’t his place anymore- but he’ll forever be in my heart.

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