I still feel the same. Why does it hurt so bad. I think about my other heartaches.
“Prince Player”. “Heart”. “Scientist”. My fiancee.
It gives me comfort that the biggest heartache wasn’t him, it was “Prince Player”. I stop smiling when I realize how long it took me to get over Prince Player. And when I realize how much closer this one and I were.
It doesn’t matter that I have been hurt before. And some were worse then this. This wound is still fresh, and thus hurts a lot more at the moment.
Where did I go wrong. I continue to think this. As I help a patient. As I mitigate COVID-19 policies. As I work my butt off in this pandemic.
It’s so hard.
All the memories, they appear like a movie in my head.
Often times when I lay in bed I glance at the empty space next to me. I do it because he used to spend a lot of time there.
Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night. With a cramp or feeling too cold and having to adjust the temperature. I’ll want to look over to see him sleeping, but then again I instantly remember.
I think about all the fun times.
Us going shopping on weekends.
Our little after work dates with our favorite take out at my house or our favorite bar where we became regulars.
Singing country music together.
Watching romantic comedies.
Him telling me seeing me is always the highlight of his week.
Just the way he made me feel.
And then one day, he didn’t feel that way anymore.
Today I spoke to “Prince Player”. He didn’t respond to me a few months ago when I told him I was sick and hasn’t said a word since then. I told him today that it made me sad.
“I’m doing me” he says.
I sigh. I’m still there for my friends in emergency when I’m doing me 😦
My health is better now at least. The treatment the doctor put me on has fixed almost all of the issues my PCOS caused over the last few months.
I have also lost half the weight I gained during the time I was sick. I have a hard time losing weight so the fact that I was able to shed these pounds despite all the stress I had makes me feel really proud of myself. I am technically at a very healthy weight now but I am planning to lose the rest just to be back at what I was before.
I don’t know about everything else 😦 One day my heart won’t hurt anymore. I know it. And one day this pandemic will be over so I and all the other essential workers can breathe ❤