On Highs and Lows: In Sickness and Relationships (Part 2)

continued from On Highs and Lows: In Sickness and Relationships

“We have the results from your bloodwork and it is showing you have PCOS. We are sending a new prescription to your pharmacy. Please pick it up and start it ASAP. We want to see you in three months to see if your hormone levels have improved”. 

I hang up and cry my eyes out. On my 26th birthday.

PCOS.

What will my chances of having a kid look like now? How much more weight will I gain and how much more ugly will I feel? This explains why I gained weight despite working out everyday and eating well. This explains the never ending periods.

I call my mother.

She sighs. “I knew it. Don’t worry Shaz, we will conquer this. Sometimes, it can go away” she says.

She tells my dad and he grabs the phone. “Happy birthday. Don’t worry honey. You will beat it. Hey at least we know now. You could have gone forever without knowing”.

I sigh.

I tell my boyfriend. He has no idea what it is nor the time to understand.

I get on my flight and can’t rest thinking what my future with this condition will look like. I think of stories I heard of women with PCOS. Infertility. Diabetes. Cancer. Are all conditions some of them got.

My parents hug me when I get home. They explain to my brother as he watched me be ill over the past few months but like everyone else- didn’t know why. He pats my shoulder.

We cut my birthday cake and celebrate what was my most successful year of life. All of  us hide the negative news we got that day.

A few days later, I come back to Chicago. I celebrate a warm, cozy and fun New Year’s with my boyfriend. It was so good I really did think this year would be good.

But the next week, when we go out and he doesn’t want to discuss my diagnosis- or really anything about my life, I question it.

I start the treatment and it has me feeling all kinds of sick. Makes me feel like an insomniac and drowsy at work- friends offer to drive me home because it’s that bad. In the midst of that, I get the lovely break up text from “him”.

The first week, I feel numb. I pray my heart out for peace.

Last week, I felt hopeful. I finally took the Christmas tree down and threw his things away.

This week. This week I am feeling up and down. Like I want to believe everything that happened this year God made happen for a reason. I pray for the strength and courage to put this behind me.

I remind myself not to blame myself. That what “he” did tells me nothing about me, and everything about him.

Just like the last break up. I move a little slower in the morning, walk in a few minutes later to work, and play country music non-stop.

This too shall pass.

xoxo. S.

4 thoughts on “On Highs and Lows: In Sickness and Relationships (Part 2)

  1. Shaz, I’m so sorry. PCOS makes it difficult to get pregnant naturally but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have children. I get it. You’re young and overwhelmed with life and wanted the support and he really let you down, but I promise you that this is not the end. He was the precursor to your real prince.

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