Breakups Hurt

I couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t just any guy, this was someone I knew for 10 years. Why would got put him in my life again only for us to part ways?

I stare at the ceiling when I get home. I have bags to pack for the next day. I’m hungry and I need to eat. No no no no.

This can’t be happening. I really thought this was the one. But he’s made his decision, there is nothing I can do, no magic words that can make him come back. Believe me I tried.

I put my phone down. My house keys he left behind in my hands. What have I done 😦

I can’t help but blame myself. I know it’s my fault.

But is it.

I told him time after time I can’t handle his passiveness. That he can’t just walk away or say “I don’t want to talk about it” every time I raise an issue.

I told him he isn’t really sensitive, and he doesn’t care deeply of the emotions of others and will keep doing what he does because he doesn’t understand how his actions affect them.

But it’s still my fault.

Because I didn’t accept him for who he is he says. How is that true. When I stayed with him for 5 months, introduced him to my friends, my-coworkers, my life, my world.

I don’t know.

I’m not deeply sad to the point I can’t stop crying, but at moments I will shed one tear.

My best friend is going through a breakup too. I can’t inflict my pain because unlike me, she’s never had a breakup and this is hard for her. And she says something that makes me realize why I am sad.

“I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE! I CAN’T KEEP JUMPING FROM GUY TO GUY! I just want the one!”

Yea 😦

It’s sad. This was in the same day that I passed my performance evaluations at work with flying colors and the night I was preparing to fly home to see my mom graduate. It was supposed to be a happy day.

I sucked it up. I thought about the other two happy things in my life and packed for my mom’s graduation. I read my “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” book on the plane. I had a great few days celebrating my mom, I am really proud of her. Today I returned, and I am getting ready for work now. Getting this job was something I worked really hard for and I am going to work hard no matter how sad I feel.

This exact time last year, I lost my partner, job, car, and home. Today, I have only lost my partner. I’d like to say I’m lucky because that’s all I have lost today, but let me be honest. I can’t. People come, people go. But certain people have a special place in our heart and shouldn’t go 😦

So there it is.

xoxo. S.

 

4 thoughts on “Breakups Hurt

  1. Sometimes you gotta break into a thousand pieces just so you can put yourself back together – this time with the pieces you want. – That’s my philosophical take on this. Hope you’re okay, Shaz!

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