Dating After Emotional Abuse

“Do you have a dating life right now?”

This is what “Prince Player” asks me after I tell him The Big Sick reminded me a little of the way he and I was.

I frown. Only “Prince Player” can ask me that question and get away with it.

Hmmmm. Does hanging out with a guy once and never talking to him again count?? No I don’t think it does.

“No lol. Why?” I ask.

“I was just curious lol. I haven’t heard anything about that part of your life for a while” he says.

Ah. Of course. I’m sure my readers thought the same thing.

And here is why. The last guy, “K”, was emotionally abusive. And I didn’t know it. I missed all of the red flags.

Today, I am here to write share some of those red flags. Because I don’t want anyone to stick around for it like I did.

#1: When he found my birth control

K: “Shahz, what are these?”

Me: *grabs them from his hand* “Give me those, those are my birth control pills”

K: “But you told me you don’t have sex!”

Me: “I don’t. Those are to control the cramps and vomiting that happen every month when I get my period”

K: “Yea right you expect me to believe that? I have never heard of that excuse”

Me: *about to cry* “Then you clearly don’t know enough about them”

K: *gets angry* “What was that you just said?”

#2: When he saw my selfies with my best friend Jeanette

K: “Who’s this chick in all your Snapchats?”

Me: “My best friend Jeanette….”

K: “Is she a good girl?”

Me: *confused* “What?”

K: “I want to make sure you are hanging out with good people”

Jeanette is working on her Master’s with me. And works as a pharmacy tech. This guy had nothing near that. Really??

#3: When I hired a person trainer to help me with the weight gain my auto-immune disorder caused me this past year

K: “Seriously? Can’t you just watch Youtube videos instead?”

Me: “Um. I have more serious issues than that.”

K: “How would you feel if I had a personal trainer??”

Me: “I would be happy that you are taking care of your body and proud of the fact that you are working so hard!”

K: *laughs mockingly* “How much do you pay this guy?”

My personal trainer is gay.

#4: When we were cooking dinner and he opened a jar and accidentally got the contents all over my white walls

Me: *terrified that management is going to fine me for this, starts wetting a towel and wiping furiously* “Hey, can you help me with this?”

K: *tries for a second* “Ugh. I never had to clean a thing in my life. Just stop babe. I’ll hire a maid”

I agreed on a count of the mess he made was so bad and it stuck to the walls.

Those stains stayed there for two weeks. No word from him about the “maid” he promised to clean up the mess HE made.

Me (texting): “Hey. Can you please send that maid you said you were getting? Inspections are soon, and I don’t want to get fined”

Him (texting back): “Shahz wtf? Every time we go out, I take you to a nice fancy restaurant. On the rooftop. $100 meals. And you are upset about this??”

Wait what? He did that once. And may I say, people buying you expensive things/taking you nice places after they were mean to you- that’s emotional abuse.

Me: “Sorry”

I ended up hiring a maid myself. I saw an ad for one in my building. It was a guy’s cleaning company. I live alone in my apartment and was anxious about having a male stranger in my place, but it was my only choice. He had the most affordable rate.

Thankfully, he was a nice guy. He tried cleaning it and said the stains are so bad it won’t come out, and it will have to be painted.

My jaw dropped. But he offered to paint it for me and he did. $100 out of my savings. Gone.

And that was it. This happened right before Valentine’s day. I told “K” I took care of it and asked him if we will be taking me out for Valentine’s day. He said yes, and never showed up.

That is when I sent this text: “You know what. I can’t do this anymore. I’m loyal, I’m beautiful, and I’m smart. I deserve someone that will cherish that. Not someone that will make me beg and wait for his attention.”

And when he doesn’t respond, because he thinks he has more power than me, I decide I have more power. And I block him. On my phone, Snapchat, Facebook, and WhatsApp.

I haven’t had a “dating life” since.

Sure, I’ve been on several dates since then. But they haven’t lasted more than a week.

Because I am terrified.

After I realized what I had gone through was emotional abuse, I felt stupid.

I am better than this. I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. I come from a good family.

This does not happen to girls like me. Girls like me don’t stay in relationships like this.

I should have known.

But I didn’t. I didn’t listen to my mom or brother who were the first people to notice “K’s” strange behavior.

And I feel bad.

I don’t want to declare a “dating life” until I have gone out with someone for more than 6 weeks. That’s my new rule.612923_xYm2zZKs

I am not sad. I am not hurt. I just want time.

The sad part about all of this is, these were just 4 incidents. There was an incident every time I saw him.

To many of you, I am like a little sister or daughter. The purpose of this post was not to make any of you sad or upset. It is so that you and anyone you love can understand the signs of emotional abuse. Because I missed those signs. And if people talked about it more often, I wouldn’t have.

With love,

Shaz

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29 thoughts on “Dating After Emotional Abuse

  1. I will say this… I’m glad you realized it before you got deeper into a relationship with him. A friend of mine was married for 12 years and had five kids with a man who treated her like trash in private but lavished her with expensive things (that put them in debt up to their eyeballs) so he could show everyone around them how much he “loved” her. When she finally recognized that he was emotionally and psychologically abusing her and, at times, their older kids, she left him. In response, most of her friends and even some of her family turned their backs on her. The guy was a heck of a salesman, so he had everyone eating out of the palm of his hand. I practically lived with them for a few years, so I saw firsthand how he acted. When I tried to call him out on his behavior, he unfriended me on Facebook. I got the better end of that deal. My friend, however, had to suffer through a divorce and child custody battle that she couldn’t afford. He lawyered up and threw her under the bus with lie after lie, while she had to defend herself and hope that the judge would see the truth. It took her years and, initially, loss of custody of her kids before things finally turned around for her. So, the bright side is that you recognized how K was treating you long before my friend did.

    • Aw😢Sorry to hear that Aaron, and thank you for sharing. I am glad you called out his behavior. Sad it didn’t change him. It’s terrible, and I am happy I realized it sooner rather than later.

  2. This hit close to home. I have been through this. What’s worse- because I have suffered from “internal” complexes that blinded me from ever realizing it. Thank the universe that you have such mental clarity to catch and react in a timely manner girl. That’s the start of things that could have been SO much worse than you can imagine… thank you for being brave and sharing this. You’ve been heard.

  3. Wow, K sounds like a huge L to me. I’m glad you figured it out on your own and got out of it. No need to waste one more second on guys like that.

  4. Some men are the worst. You were seriously lucky to get out when you did. When I was younger I lived with an abuser as a room mate. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. I remember before he started abusing his mrs he had to make me powerless first before the true reign of terror began. A battle for supremacy which ultimately ended in me feeling powerless and frightened to act upon any terror he dished out on his partner. I was a timid guy back then. I just wanted people to like me, I didn’t care about supremacy.

    Anyway, I’ve witnessed first hand the terrors of abuse of every kind, it’s not pretty, and they never get better on their own! Glad you finally witnessed the signs!

  5. I’m sorry you went through this. I write about emotional abuse too being a perpetrator of it. I’m sickened by my mistakes and I feel for you. Thanks for sharing and hope you continue to find healing. Cheers.

  6. Such a brave post. I am so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves to be treated that way and I am so glad you were strong enough to walk away from him. I was also in an abusive relationship and like you say here, “missed all the signs.” My abuser even told me he had a criminal record and I still believed he was innocent and a good guy. But the thing is that these abusers are so good at manipulating and twisting the truth to their favor, that it’s hard to even tell what’s real. They make you doubt yourself and you have no choice but to believe them. You are so brave for speaking out. Never stop telling your story. Wish you all the best – speak766

  7. I’m so sorry you went through this, gas lighting at it’s finest… I have been there…done that… beat myself up about it (which is never a good thing) and moved on. I am stronger and more vigilant of this kind of manipulation. We are rational thinking, normal, empathetic human beings who cannot fathom this kind of behaviour. I think it is probably the ‘gobsmackingly’ (not really a word) brazenness of it all, is what throws us into a state of disbelief which cripples us from getting out. Glad I did… Kudos to you for being so discerning!

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