“You know, it’s really hard for me to watch whenever you or your father suffer because both of you work so hard to make others happy, and then, when it’s time for you guys to be happy- no one can make you happy, because you guys are given a battle that is just too hard for anyone to fix”.

I sigh and stare at my mom. She has never said anything so true.

3 months ago our biggest problem was finding a place for me to live and figuring out how I will adjust in Boston. “We’ll just see how the cookie crumbles!” I’d tell my mom.

Now, I take the ibuprofen out of her hands. And pray I feel better soon. So far, I have just been very optimistic. I heard that positive thinking helps.

unnamed“Shaz. Put your phone away. Stop helping people” my mom says.

I roll my eyes. “Mom. Helping people is my life mission” I say continuing to text my former student who is going through a crisis.

“Yes. Why don’t you help yourself before you help the world” she says rolling her eyes.

I get a call from Mr. Photography dude. “I have to get this. It’s a friend call. I promise”. She shrugs and leaves.

“Hey sorry I missed your call earlier. How are you feeling?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

“Better actually. I don’t feel as much pain” I say.

“Good! Our prayers are working!”

I smile. “Yea, they sure are. Hey listen. I called earlier to ask you a favor” I say.

“Consider it done!”

I laugh. “I haven’t even told you what it is yet!”

“Well you never ask me for help. And even when you do. It’s a tiny help. So whatever it is. I’ll do it”.

I sigh. “I never ask anyone for help. But my mom says I need to start because I’m not helping myself enough”.

“Okay, shoot”.

“I was supposed to train our new Executive Board Tuesday-” I begin.

“You can’t. You have your ultrasound then. And if they decide to do the procedure, you definitely won’t be able to train them” he says.

“Right. Can you do it for me? I’d change the date but it’s the only time that worked for each of them because they are all in different parts of the world right now. I know it’s time consuming. But you know the club inside and out-”

He laughs. “Shaz! It’s fine. Yes, I’ll do it. Just forward me the handbook and bylaws”.

I sigh. “Oh thank god. You are a lifesaver” I say.

“Take care of yourself. Please Shaz” he says.

I tell him I will and hang up. I get an email that a few of my classes have been loaded onto Blackboard and I already have homework :0 Much to everyone’s surprise, I start doing it.

When I’m finished I go to dance class and call Yasmeen.

“Look, I’m like one of those girls that don’t wear a bra!” I show her on FaceTime.

“Oh my god! You can barely tell! How did you pull that off???” she asks laughing.

The lump makes it too painful to wear my usual very sexy bras. But I still need support because I am not flat chested. So I wear two tank tops underneath my shirt.

I show Yasmeen. “Wow. You’re a genius” she says.

I sit back down. “Sometimes a girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do”.

Yasmeen is taking over my club so she updates me on things. She tells me about one of my colleagues have been bullying her. It makes me disgusted. And I know my mom said to help myself before I help others, but no. I give them a call and speak my mind.

“How dare you?” I begin.

“Now Shaz. What are you still doing in this business? You have graduated. And last time I heard, you’re not feeling well” they say.

Oh hell. I am not feeling well and have worked my absolute hardest to cover it up. That’s it.

“SO? You think I’d crumble?? No way. You mess with her, you mess with me. And you don’t want to go there. I am the former president. And she is the new president. Give her all access!”

They obey.7fa99daa9a13afbd1c263a7b211ebf09

I hang up the phone. Holy shit. SHAZ IS BACK.

You think I’d crumble? Oh no, not I 😉

2 days until ultrasound. 7 days until Boston. I GOT THIS. (I think).

xoxo. S.


3 thoughts on “Crumble

  1. Please don’t think I’m in any way attempting to belittle your substantial strength. Because, from everything I’ve read in the time since I was introduced to your blog, you’re basically strength personified. But, I gotta side with your mom on this one. Take care of you. I realize that’s easier said than done. Up until about a year ago, I never heard the phrase “self care” from anyone I worked for as a counselor. But I’ve come to realize it’s vital for anyone who has a heart for helping others. The logic is, how can you take care of others if you’re broken yourself. I’m not implying you’re broken, but everyone has a breaking point. It’s important never to reach it. I believe that’s why there’s so much burn out in the human services field. So don’t get so busy taking on the burdens of others that you forget to unburden yourself from time to time. Again I say, take care of you. 🙂

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