The Hardest Goodbye

I always knew that my hardest goodbye would be my lover. Now who that lover would be my Senior year, that I could not say from a distance. But at last, June 14th, my last night in Chicago came- and it was time to say goodbye…to “Prince Player”.

After saying goodbye to Irv, I still had to meet with my mentor to say goodbye before seeing player. My mentor and I took a long walk, my last long walk in Chicago 😦 He told me that he was extremely proud of me and I told him that I couldn’t have done it without him. He is also a first generation student and just completed his MPH.

He laughs. “Trust me when I say you were more of a mentor to me then you’d ever know. I grew and learned so much from you”.

I smile. That’s sweet. We talk more about the classes I will be taking and how I will balance everything. Then I realize it’s almost 9 and “Prince Player” hasn’t gotten back to me about when he’s coming to say bye.

“Oh I always knew you two would make it until the end” my mentor says. I laugh and text player, he says he will be a while. I say it’s okay on account of I have so much packing to do. I say goodbye to my mentor and he tells me to let him know how the goodbye with player goes (he has been through so many of my player situations for the past 4 years).

An hour or so later, player arrives. I open the door, there he is. Deep breath.

“Oh my god you look so nice.  You’re packing!” he says. I laugh. I tell him I made myself look nice because of all the goodbyes I had to make all day.

He hugs me. “Congratulations!” he says. I hug him back. I instantly blank on what he’s congratulating me about, considering a lot of amazing things happened that past week.

“You graduated!!!” player reminds me. Ah. That one. I hug him back. “Congratulations to you too, we did it!”

I’m really genuinely proud of player and I. We’ve been through so much. And yet we became more successful than most. Player graduated early, started his Master’s early, and will be graduating from that shortly. I graduated on time and got into the 10th best MPH school in the country (we’ll see how fast, or slow? :0 I can finish this one).

Player snaps me back from my thoughts as he pulls me into his arms and wraps them around my waist. He holds me tight and buries his face in my neck.

I raise my eyebrows. “Either you really missed me. Or you’re really going to miss me” I say.

“I’m really going to miss you” player says softly. Aw. I hold onto his arms and tell him I’m really going to miss him too.

We lay down and discuss basically all the random things we didn’t know about each otherFullSizeRender(35) in our past 4 years. Such as the fact that we both love teaching. Or the fact that my personality type is ENFP and player’s is something that starts with an “I” meaning he is introverted.

“Yea I think you’re more extroverted than me” player says.

My jaw drops. “I HATE when people say I’m extroverted! I am not” I say. “I’d rather just chill at home with a book and movie you know. I’m a huge introvert” I say.

“Do you think I’m more extroverted than you?” player asks.

I laugh. “Uh yea!!! You’re so much more extroverted than me!”

“I hate when people say I’m extroverted!” player says doing his best impression of me and mocking me. I laugh so much.

Player says his test said he was almost half and half when it came to determining whether he was introverted or extroverted. My eyes widen. “Mine too!!!” I say.

Then player eases into what happened the week before. “I’m sorry about what happened last week”. He explains everything that happened and I feel bad. He could have told me.

“It’s okay” I say softly. “It’s just we never did anything outside of my place and I don’t have much to remember except all the things that happened here” I say.

“I know” player says.

I hold his hand and squeeze it. There’s so many things I wanted to say. There’s so many things I wanted to do with him. But time ran out.

“Will you come to Boston one day?” I ask him as he strokes my hair. I wait for him to say no.

“I mean yea…if I have money. Why not. It’s a city I’ve never seen to before” he says.

I smile. Yay. But I’m still sad about leaving him.

“I think a break will be good for us” player says.What? I give him a look.

“No!! I mean. Imagine how nice it will be when we see each other again…” player says. Oh, I see ❤ It’s true. Player and I have a lot of passion towards each other.

I pour us some wine and we drink it. We talk more about our 4 years. I think about all the amazing things that happened to me. My internship, all the jobs I got,  my acceptance to BU, my presidency, my award-

“You’re the only thing I didn’t win” I tell player sadly.

“Nobody can win me” player says.

I lay down next to him. He strokes my hair. I don’t like when guys play with my hair, but I love when they stroke it. And player is doing it. And it feels nice.

“Hey you actually had a boyfriend. So you won!” he says. I smile. He knows how competitive I am.

“I didn’t really tell that one goodbye….” I say.

“You can tell him tomorrow before you leave! Then you can have two guys in 24 hours” player says.

I look at player seductively. “Been there, done that” I say.

Player is amused. “Whoa! And I’m the player??” player asks.

I laugh. I look away. “It takes one to know one”.

Player says he’s good person.

“Yea but you’re a thief” I say pushing my finger into his chest.

“Oh really. What did I steal?” player asks laughing.

I whip my hair and look at him over my shoulder, “My heart” I say oh so dramatically.

He laughs even more and I laugh even more.

I sit down next to him. The wine got me walking around and now it was fading. “But through all of it. We kept going back to each other, because we’re addicted to each other” I say.

“Mhm, I just can’t get enough of you” player says as it came out of a romance movie.

I laugh. I can’t tell if player is being serious or not. I hope he is. And I’m so drunk and happy. “This is such a Bridget Jones moment!” I say.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” player says.

“Oh my god player! That movie! About that girl that keeps a diary and has to choose between the player and the good guy!” I say.

“Who did she choose?” player asks. I pour myself another glass of wine. “Well she went with the good guy. But then the player came back and-” I stop myself when I realize how closely the movie is relating to my life. And then I laugh.

“Seriously everything that happened tonight was like a movie. Or a book!” I say.

“Aren’t you already writing one?” player asks.

And then I just about die from laughing. I tumble into player’s arms and we lay back down. I can feel our night’s going to end soon. So I snuggle up to him as tight as I can.

“Just like freshman year” I tell player when I sense he’s noticed what I’m thinking.

“Yea” he says smiling.

When player and I first started liking each other (or at least when I first started liking him and didn’t know about the crap that was happening), we would always snuggle tightly the last few minutes before he left.

He pulls me close. “I know you don’t like this, but I do and-”

I stop him. “No I do like it”. I always liked it. I was just, afraid. Of liking it, and then having to hate it because I won’t see him again.

I smile at him. Everything is so cute, just how I imagined it.

“I have to go soon” player says releasing me from his arms and starting to get ready.

Wait what. I’m puzzled. We were only together like an hour and a half…

I sit and watch him.

“I promised someone I’d play video games with them at midnight” player says.

Now I’m really hurting. I continue to stare at him.

“You’re pretty” he says. Oh how cute.

Player tells me to say something.

“I guess some things never change” I say quietly putting my top back on.

Now player’s jaw drops. “Look. I really suck at goodbyes. Okay? That’s why I don’t want to stay too long” he says.

I stay quiet. “Think of it like this. What’s an analogy…Um okay. So if you had to make a class presentation, or you had a big test. You just want to take it and get it over with right?” he asks.

I get close to him. “So you just want to get me over with?” I say.

“Yes. NO!” he says.

He tries to explain it again.

“This isn’t one of those days I can be a ‘one and done’!” I say.

“Are you kidding? It’s like 40 and done” he says.

More like 25. Oh how I will miss player’s overestimates. But oh well.

“Okay so I’ll be going now. Can I have a hug?” player asks. I give him a quick one. And turn away.

“Hey what was that?” player asks.

“What? I wanted to see you, so I saw you. You wanted a hug, so I gave you one. And now you wanna go…so go” I say shrugging not facing him.

I think he’ll say something, change his mind. Something. Anything.

i didntBut he grabs his keys and wallet. As he’s done before. “Okay…well. I’m not going to take responsibility this time. I hope one day you will see that I’m right” player says.

And he’s upset. And I’m upset. And when I turn around, he’s gone.

Shit. This isn’t how this goodbye was supposed to go.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

3 thoughts on “The Hardest Goodbye

  1. On my last night I had to go back and play video games with my roommate one last time too. We never got around to it because I fell asleep while packing and then I regretted it because that was our bonding activity for 2 years. Maybe player wanted to do the same?

    And I’m an INFP. Close enough!

    • It wasn’t player’s last day though :0 He’s still in Chicago! But, I get it. Player loves video games (low key I do too). Oh my gosh! I totally had a feeling we would have similar personality types 😉 I really have to stop by your blog and catch up! Things have been so crazy preparing to move to a new state!!

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