I Wanted to Be Special (My ghost phone, my person, my sanity)

I think Tuesdays should be eliminated from the week. Sometimes Mondays, Sometimes Wednesdays- but definitely Tuesdays. There was a time, when I was 19, I looked forward to Tuesdays. I got to see my wonderful then boyfriend- “Heart”. I just could not wait for Tuesday to appear.

But yesterday. And today. Was a nightmare.

It all began when I went to see my therapist. Our last session together. She wanted to take the last 20 minutes to discuss “how I was feeling that my sessions with her are ending”. I was happy, I told her that I have grown a lot as a person since I started seeing her and I’m fine. Since we established that, I decided to talk to her about another issue. She interrupts and says- “I think we should use this time to discuss how our sessions are ending and how you feel about that.” My jaw dropped. As a patient, I think I can decide what I want to talk about. And did I not just say…that I was fine with it? But I repeat my very simple statement I made before, and she stares at me for the rest of the time. I could not have gotten out of there fast enough. She wishes me well and I give her my best fake smile.

In a few minutes, my next hurdle will begin. My club meeting. My board pulls me aside to critique the board members I have chosen for next year. They don’t approve and start belittling everyone I chose :0 So as a good president- I tell them I respect their opinions, and would love to see who else they can find for these positions. They all stay silent. And finally conclude that they don’t know anyone else and suddenly agree that I chose a good board. Then they compliment each other and what a great job THEY did this year. Mr. Photography dude looks at me, and then back at my board, “Guys, I think we owe it to our President. She picked up all our shit when we couldn’t. Which was a lot of times.” So then they acknowledge me.

I step outside a few minutes later.

He follows me. “Don’t let them get to you. You don’t have time for that. You have Boston and your research study to worry about! Go home!” he says.

We hug and I do what he asks. Except when I get home, I can’t do anything. I feel sick. I feel anxious that all these people that once supported me, now don’t look at me the same.

As if things can’t get any worse, I see “Heart’s” name on my phone. It looked like he was calling me. I began saying “hello”. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited that he was calling me because it had been a really crappy day and it would have been nice to talk to a familiar person that knows me better than anyone else….

But then. I realize. That my phone is actually calling him….What the absolute heck?? My phone randomly dialed him! Oh shit. I instantly end the call.

And I text him. I tell him that I think I “buttdialed” him and am super sorry. But then, my phone calls some else!!! So I text “Heart” again and tell him that I actually have a ghost phone. He laughs and says it’s fine and I should get it fixed.

Ugh. I hope he doesn’t think I called him on purpose and using the “ghost phone” thing as an excuse. It really did call him!

We talk a bit about our clubs, he invited me to a few of his events and then we say goodnight. I get really sad thinking about the way we used to be, and what could have been.

A tear drop rolls down my cheek. How could I ever have lost the one person that saw the best in me.

Today I wake up empowered for it to be a good day. People are going through more serious things. I talked to a few of my classmates I’m doing my Senior Research Study with, and holy crap. One was in a car accident, one just lost a friend to suicide over the weekend, and one chopped off his finger while cooking!

I felt so bad for getting worked up about my stuff. My little mental issues are no where near as bad as what these guys went through this week.

“So are you good? Or did you have a crappy week too?” my classmate asks smiling.

I smile back. I didn’t have the heart to explain that my problems were mostly emotional.

When I got back from class, my roommate decided to randomly ask “Does your person know you’re moving to Boston?”

Wait what.

2 things.

Who said I have decided to go to Boston?

Who is my person? And then my eyes widen. She means “Prince Player”.

Oh. my. god. I politely answer, “No I don’t think he does”….and begin to get ready for Heart’s event and night class.

When I get to “Heart’s” event, Mr. Photography dude pulls me aside.

“Let’s leave” he says.

I raise my eyebrows. “Why?” It’s a busy day and I have night class in 50 minutes, but, I feel like I have to show “Heart’s” club support.

“You look like you’re about to cry” he says.

Well that’s not a lie. We walk outside.

He asks me why I look like I’m about to break.

I tell him what my roommate just said. “Yea so? Fuck that. It was just a question.” he says.

“He’s not my person. Never was, never will be” I say sadly.

“Don’t you mean, you’re not his person? Never was,never will be?” he asks laughing.

baa2a6cd3c1bb22eb058066669e6c059I look at him sadly and nod.

He shakes his head. “Okay whoa that was a joke! You don’t believe it do you?”

“It’s true” I say.

“So what if it is? He can still be your person even if you aren’t his” he says putting his arm around me.

I feel the wind blow through my hair. “It isn’t fair” I say.

We look away. I turn to him after a while.

“Will you miss me when I leave?”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Don’t even ask me that. You already know how I feel about it” he says.

“Do you think he will miss me?” I ask.

He looks down. “Yea…but I think he’ll miss a lot of girls when they leave” he says.

I want to cry, but I don’t. “And that’s the unfair part” I say. “I wanted to be special” I say letting my shoulders drop.

I shake my head. “How could she even suggest he was my person? We never went to restaurants. We never went to the movies. We never did anything outside of our places!!!!” I say irritated.

He shakes his head. “Yes but you guys had plenty of other important moments. Who cares where you talk. It’s about the conversation, not where. You are special. Won’t you miss a lot of other guys when you leave?” he asks.

I laugh. “Not the way I’ll miss you, Sidekick, player, and “Heart”!” I say. “You guys were all uniquely special to me” I say smiling.

“You’re special to a lot of people too. I promise. Remember what “Heart” said?” he asks.

I look down and smile.

“We will all miss you. You were a friend to us all” I say remembering.

“See this is why I advocate for you and him. I think he gets you better than player” he says laughing.

I sigh. Night class was about to begin and I get going. After night class, I can’t do anything. My anxiety is causing me to break and I am so burnt out from all my senior projects, I ask my professor for an extension on my homework assignment that was due tonight.

I don’t know why I let what others say (or don’t say) make me feel…unspecial.

xoxo. S.

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6 thoughts on “I Wanted to Be Special (My ghost phone, my person, my sanity)

  1. Once I heard someone say that it’s not good to compare your sad situation to another person’s sad situation, because you’re going through it now and it deserves the compassion you need to get through it. Just like other people need the compassion they need to get through their thing.

    It sounds like you are gearing up for some important things in the near future, and sometimes you simply have to let things go so you can get to a better place. 🙂

  2. So, I realize I don’t know you outside of reading your posts here. But, please, do not let anyone ever make you think you’re not special.

    Also, therapists are the worst. …says the guy who’s a counselor for a living.

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