Distance

Sometimes I wish, you could be somewhere, and arrive somewhere far way within seconds. Instead of being 3 hours of a plane ride away…

I feel like this on holidays such as today- Mother’s Day. I saw so many people out and about with their moms today. So many pictures on Facebook of what everyone was doing. And here I was, FaceTiming with my mom. I did get to celebrate with her last week when I was in town…but it’s not the same as doing it the day of.

“We missed you today Shahz….” my mom said. My brother was able to fly in and visit her today and took her to brunch, and later- shopping.

My mom’s not really into “material things” such as cards or chocolate. She loves seeing us and talking to us. So I try to see her whenever I can. All of you know how much she means to me, I’ve written endless posts about her and her quirky sayings. I’m not gonna do it now because I’m going to get all emotional and I’m trying to control my feelings these days. What I will say however is, my mom and are in agreement that today is just like any other day…because I celebrate her every single day. Flowers, brunch, spa dates- I shower mama with them whenever I can! She gave me life and without her I wouldn’t be here. And for that, she and all moms should always be celebrated ❤

Anyways, my mom moving away totally changed the fact that I can see her whenever I wanted to. And now, I have a choice- I can move to Texas and go to a nice grad school near her, or I can move to Boston and go to one of the best grad schools in the country…. 4 hours away from her.

What. will. I. do.

If I go to Boston, Mama will be mad that I’m away from her.

But hell, if I don’t go to Boston, Mama will be mad that I let the best thing that ever happen to me slip through my fingers.

I swear aside from time, distance is my biggest enemy.

Either way, I know one thing for sure, in one month (unless I get a summer job), I will be leaving Chicago- for good.

This week I thought a lot about “Prince Player” and “Heart”. I thought this would be the year for me and player, I was so ready to make this year the best year of our long friendship.

And “Heart”. Just as I was wondering how player and I haven’t talking in a month, and I haven’t hung out with “Heart” in 4 months…I saw him. As I was walking late to class the very next day.

It was just me and him on a very empty street. My heart stops and I pretend I don’t notice him. But he makes it clear he notices me. He instantly smiles and waves at me. I swallow. How does he do it. How does he still look as amazing as he did the night I first met him?

He walks away. Wait what. No. What is he doing?? I haven’t seen him in 4 months, and talked to him in god knows when.

“Heart!!!!!” I call after him. “Stop. Don’t go!” I let him walk away once. But not now. I run after him.

He smiles and comes back. “How are you?” he asks.

3b06d2f940893f95dfd8e95fdda37d9aI can’t even speak. We hug. I felt like all the broken pieces of me suddenly came back together.

I pull myself off of him. Tell him about Boston. Tell him about Boston my gut tells me. But I don’t. “Good, I’m so late to class” I say smiling my best smile. He tells me to go and we separate.

I get that we’re not tight any more. And that I may hate him. But honestly, part of me will always love him. Because he was the only person that loved me, when I wasn’t so lovable.

I hate distance. If there was no distance, it would be easier telling people goodbye. Or see ya later.

xoxo. S.

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