Today was not a fun day.
I would like to think it was hormones, but it wasn’t. It was just me, being me.
Tax returns were due today. And I had no idea how to do them. Figuring this out and submitting them took half of my day. And then I went to volunteer. And I was walking home, some guy stopped me and said, “excuse me, if there was no ground, I would still fall for you!”.
I’m not kidding. And you know, something very similar happened last night when I was walking alone. Something even worse. People used to make fun of me for having guys walk me places, but you know what? I don’t care! Because things like this happen when I walk alone and it gives me deep anxiety!
When I meet my friends for dinner, they can tell I’m…irritated.
“I won’t ask you if you’re okay because I know you hate that. What’s wrong?” Mr. Photography dude asks.
My eyes well up. “I don’t know I’m just really upset right now”.
I tell them about the two random strangers that blocked my way last night and yesterday.
Mr. Photography dude hugs me. “I’m sorry. That must have been really scare of you”.
Yes, someone that gets it. Some people would take these things as pick up lines, but for me, as someone who has been taken advantage of before and trusts no one- I’m still in shock. I keep tossing and turning wondering what would have happened if they wouldn’t have left me alone!
“I thought about ‘Prince Player’ last night” I say.
Mr. Photography dude raises eye brows, “Oh now why would you do that?”
“Because I panicked! I thought about how he used to walk me home so things like that wouldn’t happen! And now he will never do that again, because he thinks I’m crazy!”
“Did he say you were crazy…?” Sidekick asks.
“No…” I say.
“Then why would you say that?” Mr. Photography dude asks.
He has a point. No…player didn’t say I was crazy. But he did say many other things when we last spoke.
I swallow. “He said the reason why I was so ‘depressed’ when he did what he did freshmen year was because I had so many other things going on during that time. Not because of what he did” I say quietly.
I see Mr. Photography dude thinking to himself. “That’s not a lie…you even said it yourself when we stopped by to see you”.
I roll my eyes. “All I said was there was so much going on when he did that and it was bad timing. You know what that’s not even the point! The point is…he diagnosed me as depressed! I wasn’t depressed. Or maybe I was. But what gives him the right to diagnose me? I am a Health Sciences major with a Psychology minor and he dares-”
Mr. Photography dude grabs my arm, “Okay okay. Shhhh. We get it. He called you depressed and that made you angry because you know more about this topic than him and it felt like he brought you down.”
My jaw drops. I roll my eyes at him. “Keep my ego out of this. It has nothing to do with it” I say.
“Okay then explain” he says laughing.
I sigh. “Whatever I was feeling during that period in my life, it was indeed because of the stuff going on between us. Because when I was with “Heart”, a lot of worse depressing things happened and I was perfectly fine. Because I had his love and support, something I didn’t get from player”
I pause at the sadness of everything I said. “Well until this year of course. Something changed between us this year. Things were getting better. Or so I thought. But nothing changed” I say sighing.
I sip my beer. “My mistake”.
Mr.Photography dude shakes his head. “Why do you let one tiny thing turn into another tiny thing and then it’s a series of tiny little things that drive you mad???”
I laugh. “That’s just the way anxiety works” I say.
He shakes his head. “You need to find ways to cope Shahz. You can’t let these keep you awake at night!”
“I know” I say sadly.
I don’t know what to do. It is my last few months before graduation. Senioritis is really fun. I get to go out every weekend. I don’t have much homework. I got into two of the best grad schools in the country.
For goodness sake, I should be happy 😦
I just pray, that today was a bad day, and everything will be fine.
Because let’s face it, there are so many worse things going on in the world.
And I’m irritated.