On Tuesday night, I had yet another anxiety attack. It was when I was going to sleep, all these thoughts rushed over me, and I just couldn’t breathe. It was 4 am.
This happens once a week as I try to fall asleep. I think about my past, my future, and the now. I grieve on the past and get scared of the future. It is a really annoying 30 minutes. I wait for it to pass, and when it finally does, I am asleep.
So Wednesday morning I was expecting nothing but to carry on with another day. But when I woke up, I was in for a real surprise. I open up my email as I do every morning, and I see a huge WELCOME! email.
I click on it and my jaw drops. Texas A and M University, has accepted me.Why the heck was I having an anxiety attack the night before??? The 25th best Public Health school in the country has accepted me.
After the initial shock and excitement, I remember why. I applied for my parents. Colorado was my dream school, but because A and M is better (and closer) my parents had me apply there. I had no clue I would get in…
So. It was time to call my family. They don’t pick up at first, my mom texts saying that my dad is in a call. I obviously want to tell them together so I wait and text my dad saying I have big news to tell him and he needs to put a rush on his call (even if it’s work) because this news is very big news.
A few minutes later, they call back.
“Soooo….Congratulations?” my dad says as soon as I pick up the phone.
I laugh. “How did you know??” I ask.
“Please. My daughter will not call me at 9 in the morning telling me to hang up my conference call for no valid reason” he says laughing. “So tell us. What school?”
I smile and take a deep breath. “Texas A and M”.
I almost have to mute the phone. My dad starts hollering and my mom starts screaming.
“Mabrook (Congratulations) baby. We knew you could do it” my mom says.
“Way to go Shaz. See now you can move up to Texas and be close to us” my dad says once he has processed the news.
Oh boy. My eyes sting. I never expected to get in…I feel like Texas A and M might be too overwhelming for me. It is a new place, new city, 50,000 people- I just don’t know.
“So why are you so quiet Shaz are you not happy?” my dad asks.
“I am…it’s just…now I have to go there don’t I” I ask.
“What do you mean?” my dad asks.
“I had my heart set on Colorado” I say crying.
I could hear both of them sighing in the background. “Look. No you obviously don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. But seeing Texas A and M has a better program and also one of the best schools in the country overall, I just think it is more logical” my dad says.
I stay silent. “Am I right or am I wrong Shaz?” my dad asks.
“Yes….” I lie.
“Look it’s up to you. We won’t pressure you. You’re an adult” my dad says. “And you still have more schools to hear back from!”
Oh that’s right. He is absolutely right. So we discuss next steps and before they hang up, my dad says, “Keep up the good work”.
Holy. Shit. My dad never says that. And he never said it to me, that’s for sure.
I update my Snapchat followers on the news, sad that I won’t have “Prince Player” congratulating me this time. Not that it matters. I ask Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick if they are free, and when they say they are, I tell them to meet me at the bakery 🙂
Mr. Photography dude kisses me on both cheeks “Alf mabrook!” (1,000 congrats) “Why are you so humble when it comes to your intelligence? You act like you don’t know much but here you are, holding acceptances to the best schools in the country!”
I laugh. Sidekick hugs me, “Congrats”. Each of us get a frosted cookie and sit down. We joke about the fact that I’m going to gain a few pounds before graduation if I get more acceptances.
“So you really are leaving huh?” Sidekick asks.
I nod. “Yea…guess so”.
We stay silent.
This is sad. But, exciting at the same time.
It’s sad because I imagined my last quarter to be as exciting as I can make it. I wanted to see my friends as much as possible and smile every chance I get. But it’s hard seeing all my friends because a) “Prince Player”, “Heart”, and I all fell apart b) and then my non-romantic friends are busy with their new jobs/planning their own future.
And in the midst of all this, it’s exciting because I can get away from the place that gave me a lot of heartache. I know I wrote all about the lovely memories I had here, but sometimes, these anxiety attacks remind me that life wasn’t so happy here.
“Have you talked to player” Mr. Photography dude asks reading my mind.
“Nope. Not since the day he walked out” I say.
“How about Harris?” he asks.
I think to myself. “Oh shit… I haven’t really spoken to him either” I say.
“Was the last time you spoke to him that day we went dress shopping?” Sidekick asks.
“The day after player and I had our mishap? Oh yea. What the fuck. Something must be bothering these Scorpios!” I say.
They laugh. “I’m serious guys. I get why player is ignoring me. He hates me. And that is fine. But Harris? What is wrong with him?? I message him everyday!” I say.
Mr. Photography dude puts his cookie down, “Um. Why are you messaging him everyday?”
I suck in my cheeks. “I’m…curious…”
“About what…” Mr. Photography dude asks.
“I need to know why he resigned” I say.
“Uh huh. Are you sure you’re not curious about how much he loves you” Mr. Photography dude asks.
My jaw drops. “Shut up. He’s 10 times better than me and he knows it” I say.
“That’s a lie” Mr. Photography dude says.
“Have you heard his voice? He is like the best Arabic singer around! He performs every weekend…” I say.
“And you? Have you seen the way you move? You are a skilled dancer. That’s why you guys go perfectly go together!” he responds.
I sigh. “It’s not about that. He’s just smart. Strong. Loyal. Quiet- keeps things to himself. Just better than me overall” I say.
Both of their jaws drop. “It’s almost like you were talking about yourself… You guys are like identical. That’s why he gets you!” Sidekick says.
I think to myself. The day before our last big event (before Harris resigned) I had a lot of work to get done in preparation for the day. During our prep meeting- our board wanted to go to an event, but I didn’t. I wanted to finish up our stuff. The only person that got through to me was Harris, who closed my laptop and said, “Yallah. Let’s have fun. I’ll help you finish this later”.
Harris always had my back. Always jumped to my defense. Always made sure of my schedule before planning dates. Brought out the real me (which isn’t easy to do).
Damn I miss my VP. I need to get that Harris back!! I didn’t mean to take his position :0
Later that night, my mom told me how my dad was grinning ear to ear at work all day. I smile to myself. My dad has never been this proud of me. But, if I choose the grad school he wants me to go to, will I regret it? After thinking for a bit, I decide I want to fly to both schools one weekend and take a look. And I’ll be damned, much to my mom’s diasaprooval of me walking around by myself, my dad agreed!
In the midst of the celebration, my crying the night before caught up to me. I got a terrible cold and am currently sick 😦 I truly believe that when you are under a lot of pressure- you can get sick. Thankfully, after drinking lots of grape juice and soup- I’m slowly getting better 🙂
I just wish that everything that’s up in the air would come down already so I can graduate in peace.