It’s Hard Being a Girl (In Love, Politics, and Dress Shopping)

I didn’t hear the door shut. I prayed “Prince Player” was walking back to me and didn’t leave yet. But when I went to look, it just seems he left the door open. That’s why I didn’t hear it shut. I shake my head.There’s nothing I can say this time. I deserve to be treated better than the way he treats me. I’m not like his other girls.

“I know you’re going to write all about this” he said in the middle of our fiasco on Saturday.

Some. Nerve. He. Has.

That’s when I decided, that I won’t. Why would I ever, dedicate multiple 1,000 word posts for someone who would never write even ONE word about me. After everything I have done, after all the parts of my big heart I exposed, he still sees me the same way- unworthy and unspecial. And my god I will not see myself that way just because he does! This is a very busy week :0

So as he left the door open and I went to shut it- I get a Snapchat. It’s of Harris singing. He’s singing a song from one of my favorite shows “Empire”. The lyrics of “Good Enough” send chills over my body and his voice makes me cry. I always think of my dad and player every time I hear this song- the two people I’m not good enough for.

But I have no time to worry about either. I have 200 invitations to send out for the ball my club is having. I distract myself with my Presidential duties, I have several voicemails from my board but I ignore it. I go to bed and pray to help me smile as much as I can this quarter despite everything that is happening.

When I wake up Sunday morning, I’m sore and I have so many regrets. But it’s dress shopping day! Mr. Photography dude, Sidekick, and all I need an outfit for the ball 🙂

“How did it go last night?” Mr. Photography dude asks when we meet at the store.

“Good. Player told me that what we had was a joke” I say laughing my best fake laugh. “Haha ha ha ha” I add for effect.

“What the fuck? That isn’t funny Shahz” he says.

I frown. “I know. But I heard. Like in laughter yoga. If you just begin laughing, you’ll find it funny” I say shrugging.

He shakes his head. “This isn’t funny. Don’t feel you have to laugh about it.”

When I begin trying on outfits, everything is squeezing my curves that are aching. But the FullSizeRender(28)first dress I try on is already…amazing ❤

I come out in it. Both of their jaw drops. “Oh my god say something!” I say laughing.

“Player’s loss. That’s all I’m going to say” Mr. Photography dude says eyeing me up and down.

I laugh. I love the dress. “Oooo oh my god. Last night Player asked me how many boys are interested in me!” I say gushing.

“Uh huh. And did you tell him? We’ve got Harris, Amar, Amr, Michael, other Amr” he says counting on his fingers. “And with that dress…” he shakes his head.

I smack him and laugh.

“So I’m guessing this means you didn’t ask Player as your date to the ball?” Sidekick asks laughing as I was freaking out about the dress.

I raise my eyebrows.What… “Why would I ask him?”

“Because Harris resigned! He’s not even going to come to any of our events anymore. I thought-“ Mr. Photography dude stops him.

My jaw drops. What?

“What the hell?” I ask.

They look at each other. “I left you a voicemail. Saying there was something you need to know…” Mr. Photography dude says. Shit. The voicemail I ignored the night before :0

I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. “You guys. What the fuck? What do you mean he resigned? I need him!”

“You know he was just kidding about Harris being your date… OMG SHAHZ.  Was Harris going to be your date????” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I sit down in my $300 gown next to them. “He’s my VP. He’s my backbone. He’s my person that I go to when shit goes wrong. He comforts me in the middle of our events. What the fuck do you mean he resigned?” I ask my eyes welling up.

The look at each other. “You…like him?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

“No. Don’t be silly” I say.

“Could have fooled me. Now that he’s not on board anymore, you can’t use politics as an excuse” he says smiling.

I shake my head. I still can’t believe  it. I grab the next dress, “I’m going to go try this on…”

As soon as I get into the fitting room, I call Harris.

“What the fuck??? You resigned?” I ask.

“You were with a guy last night?” he asks.

I suck in my cheeks. How does he know.”Is that what this is about?”

“No” he says.

“Then what? Is it about me being President. I told you that you could still keep the title!” I say struggling to zip my dress and talk to him at the same time.

“No…it has nothing to do with you” he says.

I shake my head. What is Harris talking about? What am I missing?

“Well then. I guess the ball won’t be our second date then” I say as a joke.

“Maybe we’ll have others” he says.

Oh. I tell him I have to go. The news is disappointing. And everyone seems to have the same question for me….

FullSizeRender(29)I go out in the new gown. A beautiful blue mermaid one. Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick are stunned again. This is $250, cheaper than the first but still so expensive!

“So I know this is not the time. But everyone wants to know, if you’re going to the ball with Harris” Mr. Photography dude says showing me his phone.

Oh god. “Why would they assume that?” Even later in the day, my own phone blows up with my friends asking that too :0

He raises his eyebrows. “Have you not seen the chemistry you two have? You guys are always glued to each other”

I roll my eyes. “Tell them no. He resigned.” I say sadly smoothing out my dress.

“Are you crazy? That is a board secret. And god if you love him so much, you better nag him to get back on board!”

I sigh. I know Harris. He’s like me. He’s stubborn. He’s an all or nothing guy. Like I’m an all or nothing girl. Nothing could convince him.

“If he is so like you. Talk to him. You may understand him better than anyone”

I shake my head. How did things get to this.

My VP resigned. Player said what we had was a joke just as I thought we were in a great place. The two dresses I love are between $250-$300.

I call my mom. “Wallah. Habibti. If you like the dress, put it on my credit card and buy it”

I shake my head. “No mom! I can’t. No way. You know lots of girls aren’t dressing up in amazing gowns like this anyway. I don’t want to stand out to much”

“Honey. You are not “lots of girls”. You are the President. There will be 300 people there. You need to stand out! If anyone stands out, wallah it better be you” she says.

I love my mom. “Seriously. You never got to go to your Prom. You got into Grad School. If you want this dress, I want to buy it for you as your graduation present” she says.

I smile. It was a big decision. But eventually, I decided against it. I want to save up money for grad school. So I’ll be going shopping again later to find a more affordable dress.

But damn. How good did these two gowns look? What a day. It is so tough being a girl.

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