Changed, But Not Really(There’s Still Monsters)

continued from: How My Last Winter Quarter Ended (In Love, Frienship, and Everything in Between)

“Well, what did he say??” I ask.

“Listen to this: ‘If you’re seeing someone or just friends with them and you randomly stop talking to them one day- let them know you want closure! This has happened to me and my friends. It’s not okay- don’t be an asshole!” Mr. Photography dude says reading aloud ‘Heart’s status.

I roll my eyes.

“Well damn Shahz! You ignored him so much he made a status about you!” Sidekick comes out of the restroom and is on this too.

I laugh and sip my tea. “It’s not about me guys…”

Mr. Photography dude raises one eyebrow, “How do you know that?”

“I asked him”.

Both of their jaws drop. “What?? God, if I upset him that much I want to apologize jeez!” I say.

“Well what did he say?” Sidekick asks.

I sigh. “That it’s not about me and he would never do that to me.”

“Aw” Mr. Photography dude says. “Wait, if it’s not about you who is it about??”

I shrug. “I don’t know…a friend. A girl. Who cares really” I say smiling.

“What has gotten into her? If this was last year she would have been crying about it being about some other chick!” he comments to Sidekick.

“You guys. He practically ignored me all quarter. I have tried to show myself to him fromsad-quotes-about-love-tumblr-drake-sad-love-quotes-tumblr-199 time to time and he never cared to look. That is his loss, not mine” I say.

Both of their jaws drop again.

“Oh my god, what?” I ask.

“Nothing…you’ve just changed…” Mr. Photography dude says.

Suddenly, I get irritated. “Why is everyone saying I have changed?!” I ask.

In just 24 hours, player told me I changed, my best friend “Z” told me I changed, my mom told me I changed, and now they’re telling me I changed!

“You haven’t changed…you just seem more mature all of a sudden” Mr. Photography dude says.

I think about what had just happened with player when I didn’t want to spend too much time laying with him.

“You know the reason why I was so upset earlier this quarter when I saw player right after break and he said that thing about wanting to be with other girls?”

They stay silent.

“Because that just took me back to freshmen year. I have tried for years to forget what happened. Because during that time, so many other terrible things happened. My ADHD treatment almost killed me, my dad who I loved so much almost walked out on us, and I felt useless in just about everything. His actions of choosing other girls over me, didn’t really help. But you know, just recently- I forgot all about that. I grew up. I changed. And then when he admitted that he was still interested in doing what he was doing before, all those terrible memories came back to me- and I feared a repeat of what happened then, will happen now. And now I can’t seem to forget” I say sadly.

After all those words come out, I am shocked. I have been wondering all quarter why I was upset at what ‘Prince Player’ said that day.

“I wish everyone would stop saying I changed. I’m still…me” I say.

FullSizeRender(24)Mr. Photography dude look at me, “We didn’t say it was a bad thing you changed habibti! Wallah! I just meant, damn it, I just meant that I’m proud of you. You’ve been through a lot over the years and you just take it all with a smile”.

My eyes well up. That last part was the exact same thing “Prince Player” told me on the first day we see each other this year, when I had asked him how he would remember me.

“What did ‘Z’ tell you to imply that you have changed?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I sigh. It’s silly I don’t even want to tell them. “She said….she said she’s really shocked that I still don’t have the picture of me and ‘Heart’ in my room” I said.

They are trying not to laugh I can tell. “And I asked her- why would I still have his picture? I’m just gonna stare at it and mope about how I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Wait. Ouch. No. That’s not what was supposed to come out. I had actually told her what IFullSizeRender(26) mentioned earlier. About it being ‘Heart’s loss. And now I’m saying this.Yikes.

That’s when I realize, I haven’t really changed. I’m terrified of next quarter, my last quarter. How will I say goodbye to all these people I love when I’m still holding on to all these bits and pieces of us?

I swear this anxiety of what I’m going to do next and all the goodbyes I’ll have to say soon are like a monster.

Because I haven’t changed.

xoxo.S.

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