The Aftermath of My Mistake(s)

(also known as: All’s Still Not Fair in Love and Politics)

Tuesday morning: I tumble out of bed with my phone buzzing non-stop. The week leading up to an event is always stressful :0 I read the texts. The original meeting my executive board cancelled is suddenly on again. Crap. I rush to do my hair, make-up, and look my best. As I get on my way, I notice there’s a text from “Heart”…

Hey 🙂

No. No. No. Why does this always happen less than 48 hours I have something happen with “Prince Player?” It’s like God is testing my ability for self control :0

“Heart” asks to know the details of our big Thursday event. I let him know the details. “That’s awesome. I wish you guys the best. I’m going to try my best to be there!”

Phew. That was all (at least I thought). It’s sweet. But I’m uncomfortable knowing he’s coming. Even though he is the oh so popular President of our partnering organization. Now there’s even more pressure for me to own the show :0

I walk into the Student Center. I see my crew. I walk over.

“That’s fine. Just don’t tell Shahz-” I hear one of them say.

I walk in. “Don’t tell me what?” Everyone turns to me. What the hell….

“Oh. Shahz. Wow you look beautiful! Look at you girl. Uh… Nothing. Here we have to go advertise for (event we are co-sponsoring next week). You two talk” the board member says to me and Mr. Photography dude.

I look at him.

“You better tell me” I say putting my purse down.

He sighs. “We haven’t gotten a response from the teachers. We need to make our programs by the end of tonight. If we don’t know which students are performing and what they’re performing, we can’t add them in the program. And we’ll need to cut that portion out….”

My jaw drops. “No” I say. I worked too hard on this…

He just looks at me. “No! No way! I will wait until Thursday morning or pull an all righter tomorrow night if I have to to get all of that information. Those kids are performing!” I say.

“Okay, okay” Mr. Photography dude says.

We quickly come up with temporary solutions, make several calls, and try to buy time. In the midst of this, my phone is blowing up with texts. I scroll through.

“Z”. Harris. Mariam. My mom. My dad. “Prince Player”. And “Heart” again.

Wait what. Holy shit. I open what I know will hurt me the most.

“Prince Player”: “Just to be clear, you were perfectly okay with everything happening right? I wasn’t even that drunk. I was just bored and shouldn’t have invited you over….”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. This can’t be happening. He was just bored and wasn’t even that drunk? So he was being a douchebag on purpose? :0 But I can’t get upl-95903set over it. I’ve got 99 problems at the moment, and player is the first one but he can’t be today! So I tell him the short and simple truth. I’m totally fine with what happened. And so I think he’ll be happy and leave it at that. But as I’m scrambling to read through the other texts…

“Okay good. Can we try not to let it happen again?”

Ow. Ow. Ow. What? What does he mean? Was our night together that bad?

“Where is the Vice President for (insert my club name here)?” the receptionist asks looking for me.

I get up. “Where is your President?” she asks.

I suck in my cheeks. Harris. Fuck this. “He’s not around. What can I do on his be-half? I’m Shahz and I run most of the stuff in the club” I say politely introducing myself.

She likes me. She tells me what she needs and I get back to player’s text when I’m done. I ask him if he was okay with what happened…

“Yea I mean I wish it didn’t but that’s on me…”

Noooo. I want to throw my phone away. What is happening 😦 Our night was so bad that he wishes it didn’t happen? This wasn’t supposed to be that big of a mistake! Player says it isn’t either of our faults (which I totally agree with) but he feels like he’s trying to be a good person and doesn’t want to do those things anymore. Well good for him. My mind spins, I tell player that’s fine. I don’t know what to say really. How does one mistake change everything 😦

Before I go crazy, I open “Heart’s” texts.

“I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It’ll pass. We will all miss you too.”

I smile for the first time all day. He was responding to what I said when he asked me how I was doing. I told him I was having in anxiety mode over my thyroid, balancing school and grad school apps, and trying to run this very popular club. And then when he tried comforting me saying I’ll be graduating soon anyways, I said “Don’t remind me! I’ll miss y’all if I’m not in Chicago!”

So I read his response over and over again. “I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It’ll pass. We will all miss you too.”

And that’s when I realize my other mistake. I let the one guy that ever cared about me walk away 😦

“Z” stops by the office.

“Oh, what the hell were you thinking sweetie?” she asks hugging me (she read the posts).

tumblr_o0rmxblu341v4jd1po1_400“What was I thinking? I was thinking. Shit. A few months from now, I can’t take an Uber to spend time with the guy I like. And years from now, I’ll be married. And my freedom to hang out with boys on their couches on Sunday nights will be gone. I was thinking. This is our last few months. And I wanted to just…make things right. Life is too short to be angry with someone. But now I made it worse. You see this is the mistake! The mistake I was feeling in my stomach. The fact that I spent time with someone who wishes it didn’t happen!” I say in agony.

“Shhh it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. You know what’s the good thing about your mistake?” she asks.

“What?”

“That you tried” she says shrugging. “So stop blaming yourself”.

I smile and tell her about “Heart’s” texts and his last text asking if we can hang out later. She shakes her head, “Don’t do it” she says.

Of course I won’t. I can’t. I’m physically and emotionally aching from the past 48 hours. I tell “Heart” I’m really busy, but maybe we can get a beer sometime. He says that would be nice…

Sigh. The aftermath of my mistake(s).

xoxo. S.

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