Sunday night: Once I got back from player’s place, I sat down on my bed for a while. I couldn’t even lay down. I was so disappointed in myself. And I didn’t even know why. I wasn’t sad, but I felt…strange. I ate some of the rice my mom packed for me and went to sleep. I toss and turn all night.
And then, 7 hours later is when I awoke to “Prince Player’s” text.
I’m so sorry…
Monday morning: Well. At least he is that. I tell him it’s fine and ask if he’s sober. He says he is and that he isn’t usually the way he was last night…I tell him it’s okay and that we should redo the night the right way sometime. He never responds, and that’s fine. I don’t even know why I said it. I roll over and I am so sore. I can’t do this, but I must. I have a meeting with my executive board and partners to advertise Thursday’s event.
After I quickly shower, I tumble into the meeting.
“Oh look who decided to show up” Kameron says. “Wild night last night?” I give him the death stare.
I sit down to set up some things when Mr. Photography dude comes down and sits next to me. He stares at me.
“What?” I ask.
“Where were you last night?” he asks.
“At the library” I say shrugging.
“They were saying you were in an Uber last night during the conference call. Why would you take an Uber to the library….?” he asks.
Shit. “Okay. I went out” I say shrugging. It’s only half of a lie.
“On a Sunday night?” Mr. Photography dude asks.
“Yes, on a Sunday night christ” I say rubbing my back. My stomach kills too. I feel sick.
“I’m gonna get something to drink. You want something? You look a little pale…” he says. I take out a bottle of Advil and ask for some water.
Harris comes over to me when he gets up.
“Marhaban (hello) princess” he says hugging me.
I smile. “I’m excited for our date Wednesday night” he says winking. I see Mr. Photography dude choke on a donut. Harris leaves to take care of some more things.
“What was that????” Mr. Photography dude asks handing me a glass of water.
“Presidential stuff” I say shrugging.
“Oh. Really? Okay well. Just make sure you two don’t create a scandal, keep it a secret from our club, and have fun explaining to ‘Heart’ that his best friend and his best girl are together” he says.
I laugh. “Stop!!!! No!!!!” I say.
“Good. I made you laugh. Now what’d you do last night. The library is literally across the street. And you don’t go out on Sundays. Holy…shit. You didn’t go see a certain someone did you…?” he asks.
I look away. I massage my aching back. “If I answer that question, you will hate me, more than I hate myself right now” I say.
He stays quiet. “That’s really not true. And don’t hate yourself. You’re Shahz. People want to be you” he says.
I shake my head. “Not right now they don’t”.
He gets up. “Go home. We’re about to wrap up anyway” he says. I pack up my things and tell him I’ll meet him and Sidekick at Starbucks before our night classes if they’re around. He says that would be great.
Monday early evening: Throughout the day, I go to class and prepare more things for the event. I start to feel better. And I start to hate myself less. I head to Starbucks before my night class.
“How are you?” Sidekick asks.
“Me? I’m good” I say giving my best smile.
“Yea. What’d you do last night?” he asks. Jesus. Is this everyone’s business.
“I made a mistake” I said.
“Oh” Sidekick says.
Mr. Photography dude, who already saw the preview of the last post gets excited.
“Hmmmm and haven’t you made this mistake before?”
“Oh yea. Several times” I say not giving a shit.
He lifts his chain. “You didn’t learn anything then?”
Everyone is getting my nerves. “Yea no. I had to make them over and over again just to make sure” I say winking.
His jaw drops. Both he and Sidekick burst out laughing.
“Oh my god Shahz. Don’t be so upset with yourself! You’re in college! I’m just teasing. Make your mistakes!” Mr. Photography dude says.
“Okay” I say smiling and sipping my latte.
“Look. It’s just. If you are overwhelmed. You should just…call us. Don’t go around, making mistakes…” he says.
I raise my eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”
“Last night! You were upset about *Mary giving the keynote with you and Harris. You missed your mom and dad. You always do this. Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed or miss your family, you just…hang out with someone like Heart or Prince Player to take away the pain of your other problems and create a distraction for yourself” he says.
I take in a deep breath. He really is my best friend. No one besides my therapist has figured this out about me.
“Look. If you were upset about Mary giving the keynote with you. Just assign her some other role! You are the Vice President! You have 3x more say in this!” he says.
I suck in my cheeks. “If our event doesn’t go as planned on Thursday. Will you want to hang out with Prince Player?” he asks.
Yes. No. Wait. Oh god. What is wrong with me. I stay silent.
He sighs and looks at Sidekick. He shakes his head, “Look-” he begins.
And then I get my words together. I swallow. “I just. No. Last night. It had just been a long time since I saw him, and I wanted to talk to him. Okay? And it had been a long time…since I made a mistake” I say smiling.
They both begin laughing again. “I just can’t. She’s hilarious. You do you Shahz. You do you” Mr. Photography dude says.
When we get hold of ourselves, we go through the playlist for our after social on Thursday. Sidekick plays “Blame”. I smile and look at Mr. Photography dude. “Of course you like this one the most” he says. I laugh.
What do I keep getting myself into :0 I usually make a mistake when it comes to something. But when it comes to someone, I make mistakes (with an s, plural).