Love Yourself (This Valentine’s Day Part 3)

On Wednesday evening, I got back from volunteering and I ever so…passed out. The next time I woke up, it was at 2 in the morning! Holy shit- I passed out for 7 hours! As soon as I woke up, I felt sick to my stomach. The 25 texts on my phone didn’t make me feel better. I just went back to sleep :0 I had 5 meetings the next day, and figured I would finish everything I was supposed to do in the evening the next morning. Except I slept all morning too and when I finally woke up at 1, I was still tired.

I walk into Starbucks for my first order of business.

Mr. Photography dude gapes when he sees me. “Are you okay? Good grief. I thought you died or something. I called you like 3 times last night.”

I pull up a chair and collapse on the table. My thyroid doesn’t seem to be getting better. I guess the extreme cold weather and new amount of work I have is also making it worse.

“Seriously, what are you doing here? I told you to stay home” Sidekick says.

I try to balance my face on my hands. “I’m fine. I just stayed up until 5 last night, and then I had to wake up three hours later for class. And after classes all day, I just went to volunteer afterwords and I guess I was exhausted after that. That’s all” I say shrugging. But even that, shrugging, hurts my shoulders.

“Why did you go to volunteering?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I roll my eyes. “Those poor kids beloved teacher just got fired! I can’t leave them too you know” I say.

They both look at me.

“How many times do I have to tell you to take care of yourself first?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I laugh to myself. “Keep saying it”.

“Look. You better take care of yourself. Otherwise, remember how you blacked out on the plane a few months ago? Yea. Something like that can happen to you!” Mr. Photography dude says.

I roll my eyes.

“I’ll tell Mariam, Harris, and Heart you’re not feeling well and can’t make it” he says.

My jaw drops. “Um no! Do you think I dressed up like this all cute for no reason?!?” I ask.

Mr. Photography dude looks me up and down. And shakes his head. “You have 4 other meetings today. Just wear that again on Valentine’s Day or something”.

“But I wanted Heart to see it….” I say.They both laugh uncontrollably.

I think to myself and figure missing the event may be good for me, as I have one meeting after the other. 2 where I’m helping people, 1 with my mentor, and the last one for my scholarship. And also considering the fact I already don’t feel good, I think it’s a good idea.

By the end of my second meeting, I know it was a great idea because the meeting went overtime and I was so exhausted! But at last, the time came for me to get my own help- from my mentor ❤

My mentor was the original Mr. Photography dude. He was there for me since my first day of college and has had to deal with the most “Prince Player” heart break stories as he existed back then, and Mr. Photography dude did not. My mentor has heard it all. My mentor has supported me. And he, oh so kindly, for my sake role played with me over the years- him as “Prince Player” and me as myself  what I would say to “Prince Player” when I see him (because hell I’ve always had trouble expressing my feelings). He also reads this blog and is always very aware what’s happening.

“So tell me, what’s been happening? Did you talk to him?” he asks. I shake my head. “Nope”

“What happened after he left your place that day?” he asks. “He sent me three gigantic long texts a few days later” I say.

He laughs. “What did they say?” I shrug. “I don’t know I deleted them” I say.

He looks at me closely. “Uh huh. Sure” he says. “Okay okay maybe I still have them. But those are between me and him!” I say. “Tell me what you remember” he says.

Fair enough. I close my eyes. “He said. ‘Look. I’m not gonna apologize for what I said, but I’ll apologize for how you feel. And now that we aren’t face to face and I can’t turn him into the bad guy over text, he’ll tell me how he really feels'” I pause. I can do this. “And so he said. ‘You call yourself a princess, and frankly you’re acting like one’. I pause and try to remember what he said. It’s hard because everything he said was so hurtful. “I don’t know. He just explained the reason why he brought all the things he brought up about those girls was so that he can be clear on where we were at, something I never apparently did. And so he ended up by saying-‘You can’t expect someone especially a good friend to know exactly what you want. It’s okay to feel heartbroken, but NOT (yes with a capital N-O-T) okay to say he quotation ‘played’ me and that he is a good person and won’t let me or anyone else take that away from him again just because he doesn’t want a relationship with me. And that he says everything out of love for me as a person”.

I open my eyes. My eyes were wet. “And so that was that” I say slowly.

My mentor laughs. “He’s a piece of work isn’t he?”

I laugh even more. “No. I’m a piece of work. Hell if he had to talk to me like that, I must have been one hell of a piece of work” I say.

He shakes his head, “Well you did memorize what he said.”

“Yea because I keep thinking in my head how I can explain to him how everything he said in that essay of his isn’t true! He totally misread me!” I say. “And then I wonder to myself if it’s even worth it. Because I’ll try to explain to him what the fuck I meant by my silence. And then he’ll be like ‘oh I see’. And then he won’t do anything to help me, and then he’ll forget what I said, and then he’ll just go back to not understanding me.”

My mentor stares at me. He’s sad for me.

12642848_759866907482481_4662595109326381291_n“Look. I used to run barefoot in the dessert. I didn’t have money for an orange like my classmates did. I have a scar on my stomach from playing in a dangerous area when I was little. I’m no princess” I say.

I fiddle with my bracelet. “If he wanted to be clear with me about where we were at, he could have told me before. And we shouldn’t have spoken to each other so much during break. I never said he was a player. All our friends did. And you know something. I defended him! I defended him when our mutual friends did that! What the fuck? I was always on HIS side even though he broke my heart!”

“Good friend? Please. None of my ‘good friends’ would ever do what he did to me. And I NEVER tried to take anything from him. EVER. I couldn’t possibly do that to anyone! I know he’s a good person. Hell, that’s why I liked him.”

“And thank fucking goodness he doesn’t want a relationship with me. Clearly. I deserve better” I say.

“Why did you get involved with him again this year then?” my mentor asks more frustrated than I am.

tumblr_nn4ect8yau1snpgnoo1_500I sigh. “Because. It’s our last year and I wanted to make things right. I don’t want to remember him as a player, and I don’t want him to remember me as an emotional princess. We’re both amazing people. I wanted him to remember our tears together. Our laughs together. Our walks together. But he has that with a lot of other girls so….. I don’t know I thought we had something.”

I shake it off. “Anyways. Forget that. What will I do about Microbiology?!?”

Yes. I have my Microbio exam on Monday, and three papers due in between Sunday-Monday. I think my professors are against Valentine’s Day :0 My mentor helps me study and gives me tips on how I can prioritize everything this weekend. Seriously, the best Valentine’s Day gift a guy could give me this weekend is helping me study for this difficult subject!

“I do like one thing he told you this year though” my mentor says as we leave.

I look at him. “And what would that be?” I ask.

“That you need to love yourself more. You’re going through a lot right now. Don’t be afraid to say no to people and postpone things” he says.

I guess he’s right.

Goal #3 for this Valentine’s Day- Love myself. I’m better sleeping on my own.

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