Monday 5ish- “I don’t get it! I payed a lot of money for tutoring, I studied my butt off- and still when I saw that test today I panicked” I say to Mr. Photography dude as I update him about my exam.

He’s listening, but not really paying attention. Something is up. “Is something wrong?” I ask.

“No just…I don’t know. I wanted to tell you something, but I guess now may be the right time” he says.

I get worried. “Just tell me now” I say.

He sighs. “…I’m going back to Egypt after graduation”.

Ow. Ow. Ow. I take a deep breath.

“Stay” I say.

He laughs. “I can’t. My family’s there and my Visa’s expiring” he says.

I frown. “My dad was in the same situation along time ago and he came back” I say hopefully.

“I’m not as strong as your dad. I miss my mom, my dad, and my little sisters” he says.

I nod. I understand. “Does everyone know?”

He nods. “I told them not to tell you. I was postponing telling you because…I knew-”

“You knew I’d be sad” I say.

He nods. “You just. You just have the biggest heart and I knew it would break-”

“Trust me my heart wasn’t even whole to begin with” I say.

He sighs. “I’ll freakin miss all your poetic lines” he says.

I laugh. “Don’t worry you have my whole blog!” I say.

We sit silently for a while. “I’ll miss you” I say. He doesn’t say anything. “Will you miss me?” I ask.

He looks at me. “Are you kidding me? Yes I’ll miss you! You nutcase! All your stories about these frogs you kiss that don’t turn into prince’s. Waiting for an hour for you to get ready. Your annoying gum popping. Yes. Don’t even ask” he says looking down.

That makes me even sadder.

“Hey no. Stop. We’ll always keep in touch” he says. I think about how I a lot of my friends 12552628_752772304858608_3016956262063895572_n.jpgsaid that to me- only to go our separate ways. Like we forgot each other.

“Will you remember me?” I ask.

He laughs. “I have a whole portfolio of you, you know. My career started because of you! I have a thousand photos of you and none of us together because we were always too busy having fun to take pictures!”

I laugh. He is so right. But this is so sad.

Soon he has to go.

“I’ll call you” he says putting on his jacket. I smile my best “I’m okay” smile and nod. Just as he leaves, I get a text from “Prince Player”.

He asks if I’ll be free later that night. And that he wants to talk, but in a public place, for “obvious reasons”. Oh my. I look at my watch. My three hours night class starts in a bit. I tell him. He says that’s fine and asks if we can try Wednesday night- I say sure.

As I walk to class, I bump into Sidekick. I give him the death stare.

“Ooooo did Player break your heart again?” he asks.

“No. Your best friend did” I say.

He takes a breath, “So he told you” he says.

I nod.

“You knew it was coming” he says.

I nod.

“It will all be okay. Look you’re not gonna be in Chicago anyway!” he says.

“Yea but I’ll be in the U.S…” I say sadly.

“You’ll still have me!” he says.

I smile. “Yes I will….”

“Have you talked to player?” he asks.

I explain the situation. “Ah. You must have been happy you have night class. Today doesn’t seem like a good day to talk to him” he says laughing.

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter what day it is. I will never be ready for this talk” I say.

He raises his eyebrows. “Why not?” he asks.

“I’m scared” I say shivering because of the cold.

He rubs my shoulder, “Don’t be. Just say all the things you feel. If he doesn’t get it, that’s alright” he says.

“But I don’t have anything to say. He does” I say.

“So let him say what he needs to say!” he says.

“What if it’s mean?” I say.

He laughs. “If it’s mean he probably didn’t mean it. Try not to be over sensitive and be brave” he says.

I sigh. “By the way. I think you have lots to say. You can start reading straight from your blog if you don’t believe me” he says.

I laugh and smack his arm. “Ok I’m kidding! But no seriously. I think you do” he says.

When we arrive at our classes, we go our separate ways. After class, I call my dad and tell him about the exam. At first, he was fine with it. And then he said something. And then I defended myself. And then he got mad and went off in a tangent.

And I suddenly realized why I share my feelings with no one. Because they’ll reject it. They’ll reject me. I haven’t talked to him since…I have been postponing.

Mr. Photography dude called shortly after. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Fine. Got bigger problems now” I say. I tell him about the phone call with my dad.

“Let me guess. He probably said you don’t have ADHD because you’re only doing bad in FullSizeRender(16).jpgone subject. And then you said all your classes are equally hard. And then he said you’re not concentrating enough on Microbio. And then he started mocking all your accomplishments and said you should give them up until Microbio gets better?” he asks.

I smile. Mr. Photography dude has heard this story one too many times.

“Don’t. We need you” he says.

“But my dad-” I say.

“Yea and? Didn’t you apply to the Master’s program without his permission? Didn’t you apply to your big teaching internship without his permission?” he asks.

I smile. “Yea”.

My mom is on the other line so I tell him I’ll call him back. I tell her what happened.

I could practically see her rolling her eyes. “Don’t listen to him. Keep doing what you’re doing” she says.

“But he’s my father” I tell her.

She laughs. “When have you ever listened to your father? You are the most successful woman in our family. Don’t let him stop you from your dreams” she says.

FullSizeRender(17)I smile, when we’re done I call Mr. Photography dude back.

“Who am I gonna practice for all my interviews with? Who am I going to practice all my conference/event speeches with?” I ask sadly.

“Me. Sidekick. Your mom. Z. Our board. You have a big community” he says. I smile.

When Wednesday finally comes “Prince Player” and I try to arrange a time to meet up. First he suggests the student center. And then I say no on account of that’s where he broke my heart three years ago and our conversation ended with me telling him he was a dick.

So I suggest Starbucks. But player wanted to meet a bit later and Starbucks would be closed then. So player suggest we meet earlier at Starbucks and that he’ll come there straight from work. I don’t have a great feeling about it…The last time he had a long day at work, he took it out on me. I want him to rest for a little first before we talk.

So I tell him we will just go with his original idea of meeting later in the Student Center. He says okay, but I know him very well. He worked 10 hours, does he really want to see me? I wait for him to text me and say that we will need to postpone.

Behold, a few hours later, as I’m volunteering with my girls- he texts and asks if I will hate him if he wanted to postpone as he worked a long day and the idea of leaving his place makes him even more tired. I smile. How did I see this coming?

But I was happy. I was exhausted too. I had a 10 hour day as well. I tell him that’s fine.

When I’m done volunteering, I go to a meeting I had been planning to go to.  “Mr. Photography dude” and Sidekick are already there.

“Hey what are you doing here? I thought you’d be with ‘Prince Player!’ Sidekick says coming to me.

“Long story” I say.

“Why do you look happy?” he asks.

I try not to smile. “Oh my god. Don’t! Don’t postpone this talk just because you’re scared!” he says.

“What the heck? I didn’t postpone it! He did!” I say.

“And you agreed?” Sidekick says.

“Uh yea. I want us both to be well rested and at our best when we talk” I say.

“Uh huh. Good excuse” he says.

I roll my eyes at him.

And then Mr. Photography dude comes by. “Go home. Didn’t you have a long day today? How was the interview?” he asks.

Yes. I had. A crazy busy day. I stayed up until 4 the night before. My day started at 8 with an interview, 3 hour lab, back to back classes, and volunteering. All of this with no break! And it was now 7:00. Phew.

Sidekick decideds now is the time to tell Mr. Photography dude about the fact I’m with them because “Prince Player” wanted to postpone.

“Uh yea and when do you guys plan to meet? You know we have back to back events for the next three weeks right?” Mr. Photography dude says.

I roll my eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know. I’ll make time” I say.

I tell him I want to  go home and sleep, but have so much to do for our club. This takes me until midnight, and right as I am submitting all our important documents for an event- I see that our event has been postponed until further notice.

Christ. Mercury retrograde ended on Monday. What is up with all these postponed stuff :0

xoxo. S.

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