There was a lot of things I could name this post. But this was the least saddest sounding one, so I chose it. Before I begin, I want to add a disclaimer that, I do know it’s not the end of the world. This is a small thing that happened- I know. But to me, it is sad. And I am hurt. I still can’t find the words to say what happened- but I’m going to try.
Sun. Jan 3rd,
So there he was, standing outside my door. He looks different, but good. We hug. We ask each other how our break’s were.
“You’re in Texas right?” he asks. “Yea” I say.
“I can’t keep track of where you are these days” he says smiling. Tell me about it. It is so depressing having to move all the time.
“I can’t keep track either” I say laughing it off.
And then we look at each other. He pulls me into him and suddenly, the wait is over. I am so happy to finally be with him.
“Don’t ever leave me again” he whispers in my ear. Oh my god, how could I? It was so great being with him.
“Happy birthday” he says softly a little while later. I smile and say thanks. “You’re so pretty” he says smiling.
When he wants to talk and lay down for a while, I get a strange feeling in my stomach again. I feel something terrible is going to happen.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Uh huh” I say.
We continue laying together and he asks about “Heart”. Wait what. Why is he asking about “Heart”???
“Oh do we not talk about him anymore?” he asks smiling. Uhhh well no, not really but does player really have to bring him up during a time like this? When I don’t say anything, and I think to myself it’s not gonna get any worse, it does.
Soon he has to go, and I don’t really make him stay because I know we’re both busy and I don’t want to bother him. As he gets up to leave, he has a question for me.
“So do you know my history with other girls? Like do you know their names? Or just their faces?”
What. the absolute. fuck.
“I don’t know…why would that matter?” I say not looking at him.
“I mean. I don’t know-” he says smiling. I’m glad he is amused.
“What, was it that many girls? How many?”
“Oh I don’t know! It was like in the first few days of school, when you and I weren’t even hooking up yet!” he says smiling. Again.
That was jaw drop number 1. WHAT??? I always thought I was the first one he was with! And I liked him during that time! What. What. What. I let it go.
But then he says, “I mean I just wanted to know. Do you know about (insert his best friends name)?”
Yea. Kind of. One of my good friends told me freshmen year “Oh yea. ‘Prince Player’ is terrible. He was kind of doing the same thing to (insert player’s best friends name). He was playing her too.”
So yea. I just thought, they were really good friends. Like my friend didn’t say they were hooking up. Just that (player’s best friend) liked him and he was playing with her feelings.
But before I can tell him that…he explains. “I mean I don’t know. I guess she saw you and-”
And what? Knew that I knew? Please. Wanted to know if I cared? She saw me and what?
He doesn’t finish. Instead he starts a new sentence. “She and I had a history. We hooked up. And she knows that you and I have a history.”
Ouch. “So what? Are you still hooking up with her?” I ask.
“No we’ve put that all behind us and now we’re best friends” he says.
“I don’t get it. When were you with her?” I ask
“Oh. Parts of freshmen year….Parts of sophomore year… Parts of junior year…”
Ho. Ly. Shit.
We were with each other parts of freshmen year, parts of sophomore year, and parts of junior year…
I tell him. “Well yea but I wasn’t seeing you both at once. It was always a month apart from each other”.
Like that was supposed to make things better…I feel like he punched me.
“So are you guys still doing this? Like why are you telling me?” I ask.
“No, no we’re not. But like would you be okay if you saw us together?”
Un. Believable. Why would I care if they were hanging out as friends? The only reason why I would is if they were doing something else :0 Oh no. Is that why he’s bringing it up?
It’s as if he read my mind. “I’m just saying all of this just in case. Like what if I want to go on a date with someone? What if I meet someone?”
I am stunned. He’s stunned that I’m stunned.
He asks me why I’m upset.
I ask him why he would talk to me all this time and call me things like “baby” and everything- only for it all to come down to this…
I don’t get a solid answer, but he asks if I got feelings. Of course I did! Headmits he got feelings too.
But I realize- he has feelings for so many people 😦 I ask him if he even gives a shit how this must look when he tells other women of these plans of his.
“Look I’m young. And I want to be free. You can tell your friends I’m a player. I don’t care what other people think about me”. I stare into space. Is he for real.
And so, he says he’s definitely gonna leave before he says more stuff. And so he does. He shuts my door behind him and I am ready to cry- but he comes back.
He saw my about to cry face. I turn my face. “What?” I ask.
“Oh my god” he sees me about to cry, mumbles, some random stuff, and says “I’ll text you. Or you know what, you text me.”
Uh. No. I won’t.
So he actually leaves. He doesn’t shut my door behind him the time…but as soon as he shuts my apartment door- I was drowning.
How. Why. I have a billion questions, that I never want to know the answer to. I cry for 5 minutes, and then get over it. I try to take a nap as I had the longest day ever and pulled an all-nighter the day before- but as I try to sleep, I think about player’s best friend and all these other girls. My ADHD throws their faces and names in my mind and I shed a tear every single time.
Yesterday in class, my professor for my Senior Capstone said we have reached our end point and we have made a 360 degree circle. And then he corrected himself and said, “Actually no. You guys are at a 180! If it was 360 degrees, you guys would be back at where you started!”
Yep. Thank you for reminding me professor.
(to be continued- do not miss the conclusion! 🙂