Overwhelmed

So my trip to Boston was exactly what I thought it would be. It was indeed, nothing but politics. Which is sad because Boston is a very beautiful city with lots of awesome people! But sadly, I was in conferences all day long with my executive board and partners. Half of whom, are quite catty and make my job- a nightmare.

Z, “Prince Player”, Mr. Photography dude, and a few other friends kept me sane throughout the trip as they responded to my snapchats or texted checking up on me. Of course, “Heart” didn’t do either but he never really does. I was so relieved when I got back to school, I am definitely a Chicago girl. But still, I was overwhelmed with my mom being in Qatar, failing Microbio, balancing 5 classes, and a lot of other things. When I looked at my calendar, I noticed that the next day- “Heart” was supposed to come speak to the class I TA for. Oh crap! I had totally forgotten about that. I text him and he says he doesn’t think he will be able to make it after all.

I shake my had. I’m happy I don’t have to see him in public, but, honestly- he wanted this, I worked hard to fit him into my class schedule, and he’s cancelling? It made me so mad. But I didn’t have time to be mad, the next day I was going to present the unit about Academic Success Skills and give my inspiring speech about ADHD.

Tuesday morning I wake up with Anxiety. I really don’t want to do it. I am so late for class, it’s so early in the morning I just want to sleep. I snapchat player and “Heart” about how I can’t get out of bed. Surprisingly, player responds. He’s in solidarity with me also having to wake up early and struggling. I smile and begin getting ready. It’s a very good thing “Heart” wasn’t as my speech became emotional and ran long. It was more emotional than I intended because this was my last time teaching, the last day of my TA job. When I looked up, even my students were crying! It was already a very emotional day. But “Heart” and I had originally planned to meet up afterwords so I still wanted to see him.

He asks me how my trip was. I say it was good and shrug. “Harris told me it was great!” he says.

Yea I bet. “Oh my god. What? What is it?” he asks. “Nothing” I say turning my face.

God. I was so stressed with how Boston didn’t go the way I wanted to and how Microbio may possibly put me on scholarship probation.

“Just tell me. I know you. I know something is wrong. Say it” he says.

I look at him, “I didn’t like the conference.”

“Okay why not?” he asks.

“I felt like an outsider. Everyone was speaking Arabic, I don’t know Arabic” I say.

“Okay so? I love the Hispanic culture and I don’t speak Spanish. I never feel like an outsider when I attend conferences with my Hispanic partners!” he says.

I shake my head. He just doesn’t get it. This isn’t about him. I just want to cry. I know he’s only trying to help but his words- also make me feel like I was an outsider.

“My mom’s getting more sick. So I can’t come see you often, kay?” he says.

I just nod. I don’t get why he’s saying this without emotion. This is not the way we used to be. “How’s class?” he asks changing the topic.

“Bad. I’m failing Microbio and may not graduate on time” I say turning away.

“What the heck is Micobio? Small biology?” he asks. For the first time I burst out laughing. I nod.

“Well, how do you know you’re failing? All you gotta do is get a C to pass. I major in something harder than you, Computer Science. I failed 2 tests and still got a B in the class” he says.

I don’t believe it.  Again, he’s making it all about him 😦 Doesn’t he get that I’m different and my situation is different? His classes have other assignments that bring him up, mine is solely based on exams!

I turn away again. “Okay you’re being weird, I’m just going to go now” he says.

What? When did he become like the rest of society? Could he not see how depressed I was? I think he’s joking.

But no. He grabs his backpack, and leaves. I think he’ll say goodbye, I think he’ll give me a hug, but no- he straight up leaves. I lay in shock, and cry my eyes out. I can’t believe what just happened. I’m done with him.

It wasn’t like the time “Prince Player” left me in a rude way because he at least had the decency to hug me and say “You sure you’re okay? I’ll text you”. But “Heart” did nothing.

I cry about the fact that the one person who was always there for me, has suddenly become like everyone else. I wipe my eyes and my hands are black from all the eyeliner and mascara that came off because of him. At that moment, I get a snapchat from “Prince Player”. I had snapchatted him before leaving class saying “I’m ready to take over the world, but I just want to go back to bed”.

I open it and it is a response to that message. “Same, I have 2 presentations today. Fuck this”

I smile. I want to respond but “Heart” just left me like trash and I look terrible. It is fate that player and “Heart” (he used to) gets me at my worst. I cover my one eye that’s messed up and take a snap. It looks nice. “Yea seriously fuck all of this” I caption it. He never responds but it’s okay, it means a lot he was feeling crappy when I was feeling crappy.

The next day I would tear up randomly. Thinking about what an asshole “Heart” is, the work I have for my 5 classes as well as my teaching class, how I need to apply to grad schools, and how I just want to talk to my mom but I can’t when I want to because she’s in Qatar.

12208346_720261978109641_4297035767501531711_n“Maybe when things are better and you’re not failing Microbio, you will like “Heart” again. And maybe when things are not so tough on him, he will start treating you right again” Mr. Photography dude says.

I smile. I’m glad he’s still on the “Heart” bandwagon, because I’m not.

I guess you could say, I’m overwhelmed.

xoxo. S.

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