I’m Okay (the past week and a half part 2)

“How did it go Thursday night?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I flip through my presentation notes, “Oh the conference call with the board? Fine. Just fine” I say.

He grabs my journal. “You know what I’m talking about.”

I look at him. I am preparing to present to Arabic Chicago Public School teachers on how they can integrate their lessons with my club. I have been looking forward to this. But I am in Thursday night’s make up. And crushed.

Thursday was a busy day. But I had seen “Heart” only 2 days before and I felt good. I had a few meetings and then class. After my class, I completely passed out once I got home. The lack of sleep due to most my classes starting at 8am and homework that causes me to sleep at 3am really got to me. When I woke up at 9, I called my mom and sent my club emails about upcoming events. I was texting back and forth with Harris (President, “Heart’s” bff) about our next event when I get another text.

I think it’s another text from him, but I am shocked to see that it is actually from “Prince Player”! HOLY. MOLY. What could he possibly want?

“What are you up to tonight?” he asks.

Um. I was planning on having a major conference call with my board and catching up on my sleep. Ugh. I don’t want to see him. Wasn’t he the one that told me to “love myself”?

I tell him. “But I was wrong…” he says. I think for a while. A long while.

And finally, I tell him I would like to see him. “Don’t belittle me this time!” I text him. He tells me he won’t and says we’ll see each other soon.

The-Good-Wife-Will-Alicia-KissWhen we are finally together, I am in the midst of a very heated conference call with my executive board. We can’t come to an agreement about anything and I need to go as I need to talk to player. I mouth “sorry” to player and he waits.

Finally, as soon as I’m done with the conference call, player is oh so loving. It feels nice to be with him. He is acting like he never said all the things he said…What is going on?

He pushes away a part of my hair and smiles, “I want to make sure you’re happy, because I’ve been really mean to you lately”.

I stare directly at him. “Yea, you gonna make up for everything you said?”

His smile fades. “We’ll talk about that later.”

And so when later comes, I stare at him.

“Hmmm?” he asks.

“Talk to me” I say looking away. I have a feeling I know exactly what he is going to say.

He is so teary eyed and I don’t know why. “I just thought you deserved better” he says.

He’s hiding something. But I nod, because he is right. I deserve way better.

Soon, I am laying down and hoping he will too. But instead, he starts getting ready to leave. It is so quick. I ask him why he is leaving so soon and he says he didn’t really expect anything to happen. I’m dumbfounded. He was the one that texted me to see me!

“Look. You know we’re just friends. And I’m not asking you for permission or anything but like-” he begins and I know exactly what he’s going to say.

“I already know you’re talking to other girls” I say pulling my covers close to my chest. Dart in my heart # 1. But I already knew that.

“What, how’d you know that?” he asks.

“Because you’re you” I say rolling my eyes and not facing him so he can’t see.

“Oh well-” And this is when he starts mumbling so many things. I can’t remember exactly what because next thing you know he says, “Like there’s this girl. And I like her. And I think she likes me. And so you know if she likes me back, I can’t be with you” he says. Dart in my heart # 2.

I feel like I’m going to throw up. What? Why did he even come see me? I ask him.

“I just thought, you were my last impulse” he says.

Oh my god I’m going to throw up. Oh god. This is way against my ethics.

He thinks this is funny and says “I’m gonna leave before I start saying other things. Bye!” I say nothing.

He hugs me goodbye as I lay stone cold. “Are you okay?” he asks. I nod.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asks when he reaches my door. “Uh huh” I mumble swallowing the gulp in my throat. Was he seriously going to come back if I said ‘no’?

“Okay, I’ll text you” he says as he shuts my door and leaves.

I release the breath I have been holding. My chest is so tight. I gasp for air. I feel gross. I feel humiliated. I feel belittled. I shut my eyes, and fall asleep.

I wake up the next day for my conference with the Chicago Public School teachers. When I am done practicing with “Mr. Photography dude” I tell him what actually happened.

“And that’s how I became everyone’s sex toy” I say.

“Assalam aleikum” a teacher greets us as she walks by.

“Wa alekium salam” Mr. Photgraphy dude says to her. “Keep it down! This isn’t the place to air your dirty laundry” he says to me laughing.

I smile.

He gives me a one arm hug. “I’m really sorry. That’s terrible.”

I sigh. “It’s okay….I deserved it” I say sadly.

“No it’s really not. And no you didn’t! But seriously, you have a two day conference ahead. Take off your ‘lover’ panties and put on your Vice President ones!” he says.

I can hardly control my laughter. And then I get it together.Greys-Anatomy-quotes6

I grab his arm as I walk to the conference room. “I am not okay now. I am dying inside. But I will be okay. Okay?”

He nods and wishes me luck as I go present.

Sigh. I’m okay.

xoxo. S.

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