“I saw your man leading a protest outside” Mr.Photography dude says when I sat down next to him the other day. “Tell me something I don’t know” I said sighing. “Heart” is oh so popular with his activism these days. And I kind of like it. He’s passionate about helping others.
Yesterday was a long day. After class, I saw “Prince Player” at a meeting. I was already in a crappy mood because I did so poorly on my Microbio exam and no one is helping me get accommodations for the GRE.
“How will I get into John’s Hopkins now?” I asked my mom crying on the phone. I have done so well in school these past two years (after my freshman year mishaps) that I actually had a chance at getting into a decent graduate school.
She says I’ll find a way. That I have worked so hard and I have always ended up…exactly where I was meant to be.
Anyways, when I see “Prince Player” I don’t expect anything from him so I keep my distance. He seems different. He starts mumbling all kinds of things. “I’m really struggling right now. So much is going on. Like with my family, and school, and I have a baseball addiction. And like you’re up there. I mean you’re almost up there.”
Oh how nice. I’m up there. Okay great. And what is a baseball addiction? Who are my sports bloggers? Paul, are you reading this? I want to help him, but I can’t. I know he won’t let me.
Player paces by himself. I ask him if he’s drunk. He says no. He says little to me and that’s fine. His words, “You need to love yourself. You are always wanting to be with some guy!” plays like a record in my head. Things are exactly the way they were freshman year, and I don’t like it. As I’m watching him pace back and forth, I get a text from my mom, “Call me as soon as possible.” Shit. The meeting is about to start… I tell her I will once the meeting is over. I sit in anxiety throughout the whole meeting.
When it’s finally over, I grab my stuff and rush out the door. I don’t even think about asking “Prince Player” to walk me home. When I’m about to call my mom, I get another call. It’s Mr. Photography dude asking if I have talked to “Heart” as we need to organize an event between our clubs soon. We kind of did talk this week, but not about that. And I swear to God I saw him while I was waiting for my meeting to begin. Mr. Photography dude says one of our partner organizations was hosting an event and maybe that’s where he was going. So we get that settled, and I call my mom as soon as I get back to my place.
“Your dad was feeling very faint again today. His diabetes is really bad.”
I sit down.
“I am flying to Qatar in two weeks. Your Grandma really wants to see your father and be with him. I’m going to go visit family and bring her here” she continues.
I sigh. I look at the calendar, damn this is a lot. “Hun. Don’t worry. I know I am leaving during the two most important weeks of your quarter. I know you have your next Microbio Exam and you will be in Boston for your conference. But, while I’m away we can Facetime and Skype” she says. I say okay. She asks if I’m really okay. I say I am. She doesn’t believe me. I assure her I’m fine.
When we hang up, my heart races. I just want to be with my dad 😦 And I want to do well in Microbio and graduate and make him proud 😦 This is too much for me. And I want to talk to someone. Some guy in my life that gets me. Player or heart player or heart player or heart. I choose “Heart”. I pour myself a glass of wine and message “Heart”. I tell him that I am so done with all this drama going on, I don’t expect him to respond…but only a minute later, he does. “Me too” he says. We talk for a little while and I fall asleep feeling a little better.
This morning when I woke up, I was happy to get a text from “Heart”. He wanted to some to see me. Finally. But that suddenly took an unexpected turn and made me oh so unhappy when once again, he asked if we could take our intimacy to the next level.
My phone practically falls out of my hands.
Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick gape when I read the text.
“Don’t” Mr. Photography dude says. I look at him.
“It’s very sweet that he hasn’t done this with anyone else in respect to you and all that and that he is waiting for you but you know- just no. I know you and know you don’t want this. So don’t.”
At that moment. I remember what “Prince Player” said the last time we were together. “Some girls think, oh if I just f— him, he’ll stay with me!” He was referring to himself obviously, but it applied oh so well here.
“You see. Even player knows! Don’t fall for this Shaz! Don’t. You have big goals to accomplish this year!” Mr. Photography dude says.
I sigh. “Heart” says he respects my wishes and will come see me later, but he never did. Following Mr. Photography dude’s advice, I realize I have goals and got on with my the rest of my business.
I went to the Office for Students with Disabilities and said I really, really, really must see someone to help me fill out paperwork to get accommodations to take the GRE as I am in a serious time crunch. They agreed.
And then I saw my therapist. She says she is always amused with how much I have on my plate and how I smile through it all. I laugh. She also notes how I have battled things way more serious than this and I will be just fine. I smile.
“You’re in your final stretch!” she says.
Yup. God help me in passing Microbio. My family. And love.