A Very Tragic Mercury Retrograde (Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View)

“Dear Professor and Shaz,

I am writing to inform you that I most likely will not be in class next Tuesday. This is due to the fact that early morning today, my fiance was in a motorcycle accident. A truck hit him and he died instantly. I know I will have assignments to complete but right now, I just can’t. My fiance was my world to me and I can’t think or do anything.”

1.) I’m still crying for my student– I opened up my email on Thursday morning, I have over 25 emails but when I notice her email in my inbox…I knew something serious was up. Students don’t usually email me days before class. And when I opened it, oh I was in for a long crying session 😦 Of course her fiance was her world to her! God forbid if something happened to “Prince Player” or “Heart”, I won’t remember the nasty fight player and I had or how “Heart” would ignore me for long periods of time.

I would think about how I should have gone to get tacos and margaritas with “Heart” that one time he asked but I was too invested in player.

Because once something like this happens, that’s all we can think- “I should have, would have, could have.” And we can’t 😦

My student keeps updating me with how she’s feeling, I keep praying for her, and her mom just sent me a doctor’s note excusing her. This is the saddest thing I have witnessed as a TA.

2.) I bumped into “Prince Player” right as I was wrapping my head around the email, and I decided I’m done- After I took my time and wrote my student a heartfelt condolences letter, I put on my best dress. Again, I have an event I must be present at as Vice President. But first I have class. And I need to print out my boarding pass for my flight home the next morning. As I am printing out my boarding pass, I hear a familiar voice and a girl. I take a peak. Crap. It’s player! He’s the last person I want to see after what he said Tuesday. And I feel sick to my stomach when I hear him speak to this girl the way he speaks to me. My email is so slow in loading the boarding pass that I have no chance to escape. Soon, he is standing beside me. I try to ignore him and he walks away. I don’t bother to call after him. But I don’t have to because it seems like he actually wants to wait for me, “I’ll wait for you” he says. As I go take my boarding pass from the printer, I see him playing with my phone. Oh I’m so irritated by him. When everything is printed, we walk to class together like we did on Tuesday.

He asks how I’m doing. “Fine” I say looking away.

“Did you think about what we talked about Tuesday?” he asks. I take in a deep breath. What. the. crap. He just doesn’t get it. I thought about it and cried all Tuesday. There is no need to think about it anymore. I’m done.

“Yea. I mean you don’t want what I want. It’s good. Whatever” I say.

“It’s not that I don’t…I just didn’t want it at the moment” he says.

“Okay so when?” I say.

“I don’t know…it’s just I’m not getting anything from it and you’re not getting anything from it.”

12118601_709032325899273_371480280051301599_nMy jaw hits the floor. That’s it. I’m done. I don’t believe it. I’m glad our 3 year friendship, everything we talked about over the summer, didn’t give him anything. At that moment, I realize why I was fighting for us. It was to get our past and beautiful friendship back. But sadly, that was in the past and there’s absolutely no reason to revisit it.There is nothing new to see 😦 I wish there was.

So I walk. And so does he.

This weekend, I went out with my family and I got a fortune cookie. It said, “Soon, you will make a long overdue decision”. My dad joked and said how that decision is about how I will move to Texas and go get my Master’s from a school near my family.

I wish I could tell him. That’s not what this is about.

3.) I trust “Heart”, but not the girls that surround us- Humiliated and crushed over how “Prince Player” hurt my feelings again, I went to class flustered. After it was over, I went to the event my club was hosting. And guess who was there? “Heart”. First, it was good. We were very civil and we made many jokes to each other. Then, that girl I did my performance with last year showed up. She hugs all my guy friends AND HEART! When “Heart” steps out to take a smoke, I watch her go and talk to him for a VERY long time. Holy moly. They are out for so long that Harris calls them over to come back. What the absolute crap. I converse with her later and confide in her how awkward it is that he is there as we haven’t seen each other in so long, trying to get out of her what they were talking about. “Oh babe, he’s just really busy with his activism! You know if it’s meant to be between you two, it will be you know. And if not, it’s not. You know he’s going to San Diego this weekend for his club!” Uh yea honey I know. Now tell me, how the hell do you know? She barely knows my man and got all that information out of him :0 I tell her I do know and she asks if that’s why I decided to go to Texas this weekend…I’m taken back but I lie and say “Oh yea. Yes.” Mr. Photography dude laughs and asks why I would do that, “So she can see how serious I am about him and won’t steal him!” I say. He rolls his eyes at me.

4.) This weekend with my family in Texas was the best getaway- The real reason I went to Texas this weekend is because my dad recently had a diabetic emergency and it was his birthday this weekend. I love my dad so much and I have never been able to be present for his birthday while in college. Seeing what he’s been through lately and the fact I haven’t seen my new house, I had to join him for his birthday. It was really fun. We swam in our new pool, I belly-danced at his party, and we drank wine (you guys know how much I love wine and when it’s with daddy it;s even better <3) I took him to the doctor before I came back to Chicago and the doctor put him on some new medications.

I’m really worried. But I just got off the phone with him and he told me to focus on school and studying for the GRE. Oh how can I with everything going on </3

5.) One day I’m gonna get married to a nice man and we’re gonna have a wonderful Arab/Indian/American wedding- This weekend, as I was drinking a beer with my Dad by the pool, my Snapchat informed me that “Prince Player” was at a wedding and “Heart” was at his activism conference in San Diego. I didn’t know who to be more jealous of! And then I thought I’m more jealous of “Heart” because weddings make me emotional and conferences (especially when they are in California) are a lot of fun.

As soon as I got back from Texas, I texted Mr. Photography dude and our other friend. “Come over, my mom packed me a lot of food”. They asked me how my weekend was and I said it was good. Mr. Photography dude asked what the men in my life were up to this weekend and I told him. After we whined up how “Heart” got funding to attend his conference before our club did, I said “Player was at a wedding”. Mr. Photography dude takes a bite of rice and chews, “what the fuck does that have to do with you?” I lean on my counter, “Nothingggggggg. It’s just sad what he said that one time. That he and I are different…if we weren’t so different we could be-”

“MARRIED? Don’t even Shaz! Imagine how fun you’re wedding will be. You’re gonna belly dance, you’re gonna wear 4 different gowns, it’s going to be loud and fun. People like player won’t understand belly dancing.”I look at him and burst out laughing. “Oh my god! No!!!! I was just going to say together! And what the heck? Even if I marry someone that isn’t Arab, I’m still belly dancing at my wedding!”

He looks at our other friend, “Yea but like their families will be looking at you like…well you know. Just think, how much better would it be with someone like “Heart”. Remember that night you were performing and the way he looked at you? Not just like you were a beautiful hot dancer, but an actual person? Only an Arab man would do that”.

I smile. Of course I remember ❤ One day, I pray I will meet someone like him.

Mercury retrograde has been over since last Friday 🙂 Now go and relax! I will ❤

xoxo. S.

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