Something Bigger Than Me

“We got denied funding” Mr. Photography dude says on the phone.

“Believe me I know” I say shaking my head. As I cram for my Microbio exam and end my terrible weekend with cramps, I am also handling all the politics going on :0 As if things couldn’t get worse on Thursday, I found out my club was denied funding for our main event this quarter! I did remind myself that  I need to rest up this weekend and allocated this issue to Harris and our other board members. But of course, they still need me.

Z and Gabby stopped by earlier today to check up on me.

“Did Player come see you?” Z asks. Oh. About that. I remember asking him to if we could talk this weekend and he had agreed. But no…he never did. I shake my head.

They both look at each other. “Are you okay?” Z asks.

I nod.

001bb06591389dc9ddaa4e2a3f3683feThey both look at me. “What? It’s okay. I’m okay! He probably doesn’t want to talk about it. And if he doesn’t, neither do I. I am an emotional person that loves too much and that is something I’m not going to apologize for!” I say.

“Damn, you should have your period everyday. You sound a lot smarter” Gabby says.

We all laugh. My hormones really stirred up my thoughts about things this weekend. I found myself thinking things like…

“Heart” can have Manhattan… and so can “Prince Player”- There’s a popular song by Sara Bareilles, it goes “you can have Manhattan, cause I can’t have you”. “Heart” was in Manhattan this weekend for a business trip. I am so proud of him. Younger than me and already a traveling businessman like the men in my family. I thought about him so much during this… period (no puns intended I swear).

I thought about how I got intense cramps during my internship over the Summer and he asked me what was wrong. When I told him, he said “It’s okay…it will only be a few more days”. It was sweet. It reminded me of how he would always come check up on me when I was…hormonal and took away every ounce of pain I was feeling.

But, he wasn’t here this time. Of no surprise, neither was player. And I was just fine. They aren’t obligated to be there for me when I’m sick.

“I’m having a contraction!”- Holy, moly. On Thursday, after I texted player and made all my calls canceling weekend plans, I had class. It was my only class and I was okay at the time so I thought I would go. But the second my Health professor started talking about pregnancy, I had the worst cramping that made me feel like I was going to give birth to “Prince Player’s” child. Z is in my class and I whispered to her. She grabbed my hand and laughed, “Why player’s child? Give birth to “Heart’s child!” I squeezed her hand and laughed (but laughing only made it worse). After a minute, it was gone. Sadly, it kept coming and going but I just squeezed Z’s hand and kept telling myself I have a three day weekend ahead. Note to self: Do not attend Health related classes when you’re on your period!!!

I have turned on the AC, then the heater, and then I turned them both off– I am hot and then cold and then hot and then cold. I’m okay right? 😉

Tips-for-Moms-Enjoying-the-Small-ThingsThe “Prince Player” and “Heart” situations are small to them, but big to me- I didn’t say this in my previous posts because I was too hurt. During our fiasco, “Prince Player” had also said “this is so small, compared to bigger things”. It is. I know. My cramps that caused me to lay in bed all weekend gave me time to read all kinds of news happening around the world. My heart pooh-quotebroke as I read about the problems people are facing. And yes, compared to that- he is small. And so is “Heart”. But not compared to that, and in my world of optimism where I live enjoying the small things, they hold big places in my heart! And so does everybody else.

Sometimes, it hurts that I need to care about something….something bigger than them….something bigger than me.

xoxo. S.

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