Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View (And An Answer To His Questions)

Every night, I sleep with my windows open. This is what I think to myself as I count the cars going by and all the buildings that make up the skyline.

I really shouldn’t walk alone at night, when I ask people like “Prince Player” to walk me home, I’m not trying to seduce them. Today, another guy randomly said “Damn. Beautiful lady!” eyeing me up and down as I walked by :0

I miss player. It’s been one week since our…fiasco. And I have an answer to his questions.

“What do you want?” I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine until I left for grad school (if I even get in). I wanted him until it was time for me to go.

“Why do you always cry after I leave?” I don’t always cry after he leaves…but in all honesty, I cry about everything. This past week, a girl I mentored at the YMCA for three years moved to North Carolina- I cried. Tonight, I watched the Good Wife episode where Will gets shot- I cried. Every day, I read stories about homeless dogs/puppies getting a home and family- I cry. Today, I was telling my mom about how I can’t believe where I’m standing today- I cried. I CRY ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

“Why am I always in your thoughts?” I have ADHD, OCD, and anxiety. I have lived in 3 countries, 4 states, and countless cities. What I take with me in my mind despite all these hardships is people. Every since I was a child EVERYONE has been ALWAYS been in my thoughts. It isn’t just him. It’s “Heart”, it’s my mom and dad, it’s my family overseas, it’s my dog, it’s my students, it’s my friends that I left behind in all these places, it’s my readers, it’s really- everyone. Everyone is always in my thoughts.

B-J_9rJCMAAr8uL.jpg large“You need to start loving yourself” I already love myself enough and I don’t need anyone’s reminder. I learned to do that when “Heart” came into my life. You don’t need to love yourself before someone loves you, that is a myth. Myth. Myth. Myth. But true, I could love myself more. It’s unfortunate I have a big heart apparently….

I miss player. I wish this fight never happened. I wish he had seen me today and not last Monday because I’m more rested and finished all my assignments for tomorrow. Besides night class:0

Fights like this make me miss “Heart” I think I would like him as 299681e87e98e25d909bf7bc78996235much as “player” if he hung out with me more. He wants to enjoy any chance we have together. But he has no time to spend with me. And that is why I spend it with other people…who don’t like me back. He is in my thoughts all the time too, but the more he ignores me, the more I want nothing to do with him.

I need to take the GRE I’m scared of taking it because I have a learning disability and I’m scared that I will do poorly. There are accommodations for students with an LD, but I have to fill out a lot of paperwork if I want it :0 Regardless, it is time to move on from this town. If I get my Master’s from where I already go to school (I got admitted directly without having to take the GRE)- I’m going to deal with the same boys, same professors, same people, same city, same everything. I LOVE this place, but I have to take the GRE and get out of here! There are many beautiful places in the world (I would know, I have already lived in so many!)

I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl Everywhere I go, someone always knows me. “Hey, you’re my instructor! Hey, you’re the Vice President of that club! Hey, you’re the dancer from last year’s ball! Hey, you were the speaker at that conference!” People ask me why I care about what others think. And I never did, until now. These interactions remind me that I am an educator, leader, activist, and role model to many people. I must behave that way.

I would like to have some wine, but it’s only Monday.

xoxo. S.


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