Just, Release (My Third Week of Senior Year)

I see his face, he looks at me. I run and I run and I run after him. But he’s gone….

My alarm for brunch with friends go off. Crap, it was only a dream.

This has been a mad week. And it had nothing to do with player. After he left Monday night, I finished my paper and brushed up my lesson plan for the next day. On Tuesday, I was exhausted from the night before. But again I stayed up to do homework and study for my Microbio quiz. On Wednesday I had classes all day and went to volunteer. Finally, I got a chance to sleep fully on Wednesday night since I only have one class on Thursday and it doesn’t start until late afternoon.

I wake up on Thursday feeling good. It felt good to be well rested for once. I even debate texting player. I hold my phone and start typing, but I stop. Player crossed a line that night. He made me feel small. Just for saying that I like him. Which I slowly realized, I don’t- I like being with him. Or something. No way was I going to apologize for being a loving woman. So instead, I start typing up emails and sending Facebook reminders for my club’s Night Out event that was yesterday.

In the middle of writing a reminder email to Harris, (my President, betrayer, and Heart’s best friend), I see a big text pop up on my phone. My heart stops. It’s player!!! Christ, can he read my mind from a distance or something :0

He apologizes, and explains that he just knew I liked him and was tired of me hiding my feelings and making him look like the bad guy.

Oy ve, player. There were so many things wrong with his sentence. 1) What part of me saying “I like you” was hiding my feelings? 2.) When did I make him look like the bad guy? Only freshman year. Not recently. I am grown now and know that me making him look like the bad guy only makes me look worse.

There’s a hundred things I want to tell him, but I just keep quite because I don’t want to start another fiasco between us. I apologize back and say I didn’t mean anything I said that night. I don’t apologize because I have feelings for him, I apologize becuase I said I had feelings for him because that’s what started this. He says he didn’t mean anything either (although his words still hurts and for some reason I think he did mean it) and that he just knows nothing will ever end well between us and he just needs to release himself

Just. Just. Just. I am a writer, and sometimes, when a word is constantly repeated, it feels like someone is pricking me with a needle for heaven’s sake.
200_s

He stops responding and I get ready for class. Yesterday was the day of my event. After I made a few confirmation calls, I put on my best little black dress and went to get some coffee. Who do I see in the student center, “Heart” and his flirty treasurer. Ugh. What are they doing here? I walk the other way. I can play dirty politics, but now- is not the time.

Later when I go meet my club at the train station, everyone is hugging me and kissing my cheeks. “You look good” Harris tells me for the first time as he hugs me. I give him a smirk. He looks great as usual, but after what “Heart” told me, I can’t trust him. Harris and I talk a lot as the event goes on. When we are on our way to the Hookah Lounge, he even says “Hey guys! Shahz and I are going to the strip club and we will meet you guys at the hookah place!” My jaw drops and everyone laughs.

“I’m not that kind of girl” I tell him batting my eyelashes.

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts” he says flirtatiously.

****”WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH THE ENEMY?” Mr. Photography dude asks me at brunch this morning.

Oh no. Hell no. No way will I go after Harris…

Harris and I talk throughout the night. We dance, we sing, he smokes (I watch). He’s hilarious, he’s protective,he’s-

Wait what. He almost took “Heart” away from me. What am I doing mingling with him??? I confront him about it, but he swears he would never hurt me. I keep my distance from him, hours later when he sees me leaving, he hugs me goodbye. “Be good” I whisper to him. He smiles at me.

At brunch, I tell Mr. Photography dude about my dream when the others talk amongst themselves.

“First, I had a dream he was in the hospital and that I found out through Snapchat! So when I woke up, I looked at my snapchat and didn’t have any from so you know I figured that was just a dream. Then, I went back to sleep and I had a dream that I saw him on the street. And I just kept running and running and running after him! And then he disappeared-”

“Wow, the hookah must have really gotten to your head” he says laughing.

I shake my head and glare at him, “I didn’t smoke any….”

“Yea but you must have had second-hand exposure if you were sitting so close to Harris….” he says.

Oh good heavens.

We look up what the dream about player means. The second dream. “To dream that you are running towards someone refers to your willingness to confront the situation with that person head on.”

He smiles.

bridget jonesI was really stupid Monday night. I don’t like him. I mean I do, but not in the way I said it… Anyways, I had dreams about “Heart” and Harris too.

Why are these three always in my dreams. Someone is lying to me and hiding things from me. It is “Heart”. It is “Harris”. It is even “Prince Player”.

When will I be strong enough…to just, release?

xoxo. S.

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