continued from: Something Better Than This
Jesus christ. See what happens when I open my mouth? But he is right. Lately, when we have been hanging out, it feels the way it did freshman year. And my god- I sure as hell will not let my Senior year turn out the way my Freshman year did.
After we make this mutual decision, I think things are good between us. He says “Now you have a story to write on your blog!” I’m glad he thinks this is funny…Somewhere in between- we start fighting. I think he brings up the story about what happened freshman year (him hooking up with several girls) and how he was so shocked that I thought we were “exclusive” as what happened between us never really meant anything to him. I gape, I ask him why he came back to me if I didn’t mean anything to him.
And then he says the words that I always pray no one says to me.
“Because…I felt bad for you.”
What. the. crap!
I turn away. He says he didn’t mean it like that and starts to explain himself.
“Stop…you’ve already said enough….” I say swallowing back a tear.
He tells me I don’t know what I want.
I say I do. “Oh, and what is it?” he asks.
“Something better than this!” I say throwing my hands in the air.
He looks at me for a while. I think he will listen to me, but instead he says- “I’m done with this” and reaches for his phone.
I roll my eyes and shake my head. “What are you done with?”
“This! I’m over it! Why am I so invested in your thoughts? Why do you always have to cry after I leave? You need to learn to love yourself!”
The worst kind of ouch possible. Player. Player will never understand what I have seen, what I have felt, and what I have heard that makes it so difficult to love myself and really, all the other crap he mentioned. And that is why his questions will never be answered.
But he won’t even listen to me.
He does things on his phone and avoids eye contact with me. I can’t think of a time when I ever made a guy this upset. He keeps talking to me only to see when he can leave. (My roommate suddenly came home and I did not tell her I would be having company so we needed to wait until she went to shower/bed.) He’s angry. He makes a comment about me being a “wuss”. It’s mean… I’m so furious I go and check a few minutes later, she’s in the shower. And so I tell him, player quickly gets up and leaves.
As if he suddenly feels better that he’s out of my place, he starts talking to me as I walk him out. He tells me he saw that other girl (the girl mentioned in Why I Want to Forgive Him) earlier this week. I shake my head and try to open the elevator so I can go back to my room and mope. But he laughs and says nothing happened. It still hurts.
“Hey don’t forget what you did with ‘Heart’ in his car last week” Mr. Photography dude says.
I bite the straw of my Pumpkin Spice Latte. “I didn’t do ANYTHING out of respect to player!” I say.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have done anything with player, out of respect to ‘Heart'” he says tilting his head.
He sure as hell wouldn’t tell me I need to love myself.
“Um. In his defense. I think you do need to practice loving yourself a bit more” Mr. Photgraphy dude says.
“You know. A normal woman, when she got that text, she would have been like- ‘I just had night class, I have to teach bright and early tomorrow, afterwords I have a big executive board meeting, then I have a paper due tomorrow and I have a big quiz Wednesday morning! So I can’t see you for the next three days! But what do you say? ‘Sure'”
I look at him. And then at the floor. And then at him.
“I just take the love I have for myself, and spread it around” I say all bubbly.
“Aw and isn’t that so cute. No habibti (my dear)! No!” he says.
I laugh. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t cry after player left. The least I could do for myself, was not cry over him. Not this time. I was more upset than sad anyway. I used my anger to write my paper. I finished it in less than two hours but went to bed at 4am. And then had to be up for class at 8am :0 I didn’t have time to nap between classes because of my board meeting and was so tired all day 😦
As my board started leaving, Mr. Photography dude and I decided to analyze why all of this crap suddenly happened last night. I decided to do what I always do- read my monthly horoscope. And holy moly! Did you guys know mercury is in retrograde right now?? Oh my gosh. Why didn’t anyone tell me to save my feelings until October when it is over :p (For those of you wondering, Mercury Retrograde affects all astrological signs so…beware and don’t make the mistake I did). To make matters way worse, Sagittarius (that’s me!) and a few other signs are in their eclipse! Eep! Eclipses are not good! My jaw drops as I read to Mr. Photogrpahy dude: “Speaking of love, you have an eclipse this month. If you have been seeing someone- you may break up. If there is something that was never discussed that has been troubling you or your partner, it is likely to come out now. An eclipse would bring out hidden resentments – even if you never meant to bring up the subject. Think back to April 4th. This eclipse within a few days of September 27th will be connected closely to it.”
I think. Mr. Photography dude watches. “HOLY SHIT!” I say.
“What? What happened on April 4th???” Mr. Photography dude is eager to know.
“April 4th, 2013. I had cramps. I was very hormonal. And that was the day Prince Player told me he was hooking up with other girls!” I say freaking out.
“Holy crap” he says.
“Oy ve what have I done. I should have waited until the eclipse was over” I say putting my head on the table.
Mr. Photography dude scrolls down, “Hey look. It says ‘Still I think this is a positive full moon eclipse and that you will like the outcome. I feel you can fix things, so don’t become anxious.”
I laugh. “Fat chance of that happening, let me tell ya.”
We both sigh. I don’t know what’s going on. But Mercury retrograde or not, eclipse or not, I deserve something. Something better than this.
Source of horoscope: http://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/monthly/sagittarius_full.php