Something Better Than This

I’m done. Why do you always cry after I leave? Why am I always in your thoughts? You need to start loving yourself. What the f—?

The words “Prince Player” said last night keep replaying in my mind.

“Hey Shahz. Shahz? Hello? You’re okay with this yes?”

“Huh? What. Oh yea sure” I say. I’m at a meeting with Mr. Photography dude and a few executive board members planning for my club’s next major event (the one I met “Heart” at two years ago).

“So you’re okay with us using your belly dancing photos from last year’s ball as promotional material?” he asks. All eyes are on me.

“What the f—? You know I don’t like that shit.” I whisper to him.

“Okay that’s what we’ve been asking you for the past 5 minutes but you have been in your own world” he whispers back.

I sigh and pinch myself under the coffee table. “I’m sorry. I had a long night.”

He shakes his head. “Well get it together Vice President. We need you.”

I nod and take a deep breath. Senior year really isn’t starting the way I wanted it to. On Mondays I have a three hour night class, on Tuesday early mornings I TA a four hour class, and on Wednesday early morning I have a three hours Microbio class. This is on top of my other classes, volunteering, and running a club. I barely get rest these days. I don’t even have time to study for the GRE or apply to grad schools which sucks because….I need to leave this town and find where I belong in the next few months.

And last night, things got a little worse. Mondays already suck because, well, night class. I don’t like 3 hour classes at night- it sucks for someone with ADHD. All I think about in that class is eating, sleeping, and the men in my life. To make matters worse, as soon as I get home, I can’t sleep. I need to prep my lesson plan for the class I will be TAin the next morning. But last night, I had another task. I had a paper to write. I didn’t mean to save this paper until last minute, but I have been so occupied by my new students, 4 all science classes, and political role that I just…procrastinated.

As I was wondering when the heck I will be released from class, I feel my phone vibrate several times. I slowly pull it out of my pocket when the professor is not looking- it’s my mom and “Prince Player”. Why do they always text me at the same time :0 “Prince Player’s” text cheers me up and as class is ending, I message him and we talk. He asks if I’m free then or tonight. Well shit. My busiest nights. Monday nights= lesson prep night (plus this particular Monday I had to work on a paper) and Tuesday nights= study for Microbio quiz night (I always have a quiz on Wednesday mornings). I quickly decided that Microbiology is my most important class and I can’t risk not studying for that tonight. And then I shrugged and thought I could probably do my paper quickly after he leaves.

qitem.phpBut most importantly, did we not just see each other four days ago? I wonder why he wants to see me again so quickly. It’s unlike him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him since he left, so I say okay and he stops by after I get back from class.

“Is this gonna become a thing? I saw you twice in the past few days!” I say as soon as I see him.

“If you want it to…” he says smiling.

Holy crap. Do I want it to?

I shake it off. Right now, player is here to see me. And I must make things right before this year ends and we never see each other again.

When we’re in my apartment, things are going well. But then- something doesn’t feel right. He asks me what’s wrong. I say nothing. He asks me again.

“I like you” I say.

****”You did not. Why would you do something like that?” Mr. Photography dude asks later

*****”Better now than later when he hooks up with someone else and I get sad” I say.

Mr. Photography dude sighs and shakes his head.

Back to player. “You…. like me….?” he asks slowly.

I sigh. “I think I like you.”

“Well, you know where I stand on all of this” he says.

Uh huh. Yes. He stated it ever so clearly in Everything Has Changed Part 2.

But, bullshit. How could he not have a single feeling towards me after everything that’s happened these few months….

“Is it…that you don’t like me…or can’t like me?” I ask.

“I can’t like you” he says.

I nod. I knew it. We talk and he says that everything between me and him is just fun. And that he came to see me because he missed me. He says we should stop this. I tell him this has happened between us before several times. And so he says, “maybe it shouldn’t happen again then”.


xoxo. S.


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